From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The horse (Equus ferus caballus), is a large, often magical, predominately koala-eating horse-like animal closely related to the zebra and the donkey but much more majestic and so much more prettyful. Belonging to the family Equidae, along with many other horse-like animals including the aforementioned zebra as well as other members including the wild ass, the legendary unicorn and the smaller, less-appealing pony, this family of creatures is unusual among animals, with all members having only one toe on each foot, the appendage now referred to as the hoof. Very few other animals have only one toe, because it is a really dumb way to walk. Imagine ducks with only one toe, or monkeys. Only a rather stupid creator would ever produce such a faulty work. At least deer have two toes. The stinky old rhinoceros has three. Even the nasty little opossum, undesirable raider of trash bins throughout North America, has no less than five! But the horse, the beautiful, majestic horse, has just one lonely toe on each foot. If this isn't proof that there is no god I don't know what is.
The horse is generally believed to have evolved over the past 4 to 6 weeks from a small multi-toed creature, most likely an otter or other small weaselly thing of some sort, or maybe like a newt or mouse or something or other, into the large, single-toed animal of today. Humans, never content to leave shit alone, began to domesticate horses around last Tuesday, and their domestication is believed to have been widespread by late Thursday evening, although they did not reach Australia until the next morning. The horse is today extinct in the wild, killed by the millions for their delicious tongues and soft, salty nose hairs.
It is interesting to note that the horse is one of only three acceptable subjects for a painting, along with ships with sails and men holding swords while staring off into the distance. While some would argue that perhaps vases of colorful flowers or landscapes with pretty clouds might also be acceptable, these notions couldn't be further from the truth as these are terrible, dreadful subjects for any painting.
horses r niggers in diguise
The horse is a social animal and in nature lives in large shoals of up to a million individuals all ruled by a single dominant male, known as a stallion. The stallion protects his herd from all threats, such as wolves, foxes, and even scary tractors with rusty metal axles that creak in the wind, and in return is permitted to have his way with any of them whenever he desires, which is quite often, sometimes up to fifty or more times per female per day during the height of the spawning season, from mid-march onward thorough late February. Very rarely, a horse that is unable to procure a suitable mate of his or her own species may instead choose to copulate with a related animal species, most often the donkey or the zebra, in which case a mule, or a freaky half-zebra half-horse man-eating maniacal murder monster may be born, respectively. While the horse is magnificent beyond imagination and the zebra is at least adequate as an animal, the half-zebra half-horse man-eating maniacal murder monster inherits nothing of value from either of its parent stock and is almost worthless, unlike the mule which, although ugly beyond belief and stubborn as pinkeye, is at least somewhat useful as a draft animal.
Horses are intelligent animals by nature, rivaling both chimpanzees and sheep. With positive reinforcement, the horse is among the easiest of creatures to train and can easily be taught to perform simple tricks such as making delicious iced tea, eating an apple, figure skating, or even learning to solve simple mathematical equations such as the square root of 67,980,331 million mentally. Some exceptionally brainy individuals can even learn to make the perfect pineapple upside-down cake, one that is so terrifically tasty that if a human were to try to eat it his head would explode from the unbelievable sensation of sweetness.
Horses are unsurpassed swimmers (but should not be confused with the dissimilar seahorse, to which there is no direct relation) helped in part by their flexible neck vertebrae and inside-out knees, and the highest population densities can always be found near the seashore where there is an abundance of nutritious molluscs and small fishes on which the horse can feed. Horses are able to tread water for close to a month and with lungs that can each inflate as large as a minivan are easily able to hold their breath for over 458 minutes as they search for the delicious clams, barnacles, and starfish growing along the sea bottom, prying them from their fastenings with a delicate twist with the tusk-like incisor teeth and storing up to 50 pounds of the creatures in specialized cheek pouches in its throat. Once these pouches fill, the horse surfaces, swallows its catch in a single gulp, and dives again to continue hunting, sometimes repeating the sequence 0 or even 65 times in a day.
Horses have few predators but at times may be preyed upon by certain scary wallabies.
fucking everywhere. Colchester is their main source for putting there dick into the horses pussy