Horse-drawn submarine

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The technical points of the HDS.

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A horse-drawn submarine is an equine powered watercraft capable of independent operation below the surface of the water, which for a number of years was viewed as a valid alternative to traditional and nuclear powered craft. Although its prominence has waned in latter years they still remain the main fleet in numerous countries such as Canada and Switzerland.

edit History and Development

First used in WWII, the Horse-drawn submarine (or HDS) was one of the more successful inventions of JFK. The system was widely used in submarines throughout America, as their former form of propulsion was simply not powerful enough. They did try using the amazing nuclear-power that Captain Nemo developed, but since this required using too many flux capacitors they gave up, and used horsepower. Now as we all know, cars are powered by horses, just very small ones. Why else do you think they have 100horsepower, 200horsepower etc?! Idiot.

The horse could be placed to the front of the submarine, where it would be connected via a long strand of spaghetti, and where it would swim by thrusting its MIGHTY LEGS generating whopping amounts of Kinetic energy. The horse would be kept alive by using its gills to breathe, and by eating all the fish that it came across. This kept its coat soft and luxuriant while also supplying energy to its legs. When not in motion, the horses would rest in specialized pens inside the submarine away from the leers of the sailors, and called out when they had to move.

After extensive testing, the American government decided to put this system into play, and the results were fantastic. Their innate navigational skills proved to be the deciding factor in many storied Naval battles, chief among them, the sinking of the Flying Dutchman and the routing of the German flotilla sent to free Indiana Jones. Their natural sonar ability was also completely compatible with the submarine and allowed for instant communication with the captain. Many a captain fondly recall memories of the old days, telling the horses that they were "Good Girls" and promising them a nice bath alone when they were done with their mission.

edit Predecessors

Horse bathing

Special safety equipment would later be developed to ensure the safety of equine submariners.

The American government, before being liberated by JFK's wonderful plan, experimented with many other animals. They tried:

  • Dogs
  • Chickens (this was immensely popular for the brief period before Deep Frying Mines were discovered.)
  • Mongooses
  • Moles
  • Bears
  • Butterflies
  • Acorns
  • Squirrels
  • Killer Whales (soon abandoned due to them being un-seaworthy)

None of these ideas lasted for very long, although they provided navy recruits with the option of bestiality over homosexuality.

edit Decline of usage


Horse-drawn submarine surfaced, notice the defense Amphibsloths in offence formation Alpha.

Throughout the 1970s and the early part of the 1980s the use of Horse-drawn submarines fell into decline, with complaints from environmentalists about the amount of horse manure that had built up throughout the oceans of the world. Commercial "mini subs" which utilized Shetland Ponies remained in common use despite the protestations of organizations such as Greenpeace.

In 1997 the World Health Organization (WHO?) released the following statement in regards to Horse-drawn submarines:

Of course, one would think that these HDS's are far superior to the Submarines of today.
One would be right.
One can, naturally, blame Canada.
But it wasn't.
They died somehow.

Additionally during the Cold War under ice operations were becoming popular. Horse-drawn submarine's were experiencing difficulties in these operations. Every horse was was equipped with a butter knife to chisel to the surface, but the real problem was the Polar Bears that awaited the horses. Horses naturally loved polar flesh and would gorge on them once surfaced through the ice. As a result the horses would gain additional weight and off set the buoyancy of the entire Horse-drawn Submarine. Thus the HDS being limited to the bottom of the ocean until the horse defecated said Polar Bear.

edit See Also

Kraspin One or more of the authors of this entry was terribly bored. They may be afflicted with Attention Deficit... hey, we should go fly kites. That'd be so awesome! We haven't flown kites, since, like, summer. Hey, summer is when birds come out! Birds are so cool.
You can help by paying for their Ritalin, or finding them a kitten to play with.
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