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Astrology is a system used by women and homosexual men to blame their actions, personalities and behaviors on the sun's apparent path across the sky over the course of a year. This path, called the eclpitic, traverses a ring of constellations, which are essentially poorly designed celestial connect-the-dots puzzles made of stars.
Despite the fact that you can't see the stars behind the sun, the particular connect-the-dots puzzle that the sun appeared to be passing through on the day you were born (your star sign) determines not only your personality but the way you ought to behave on any given week or day (your horoscope).
Generally speaking, straight men are immune to the effects of astrology. This is either due to their inability to understand emotion on any level, or due to their superior intelligence.
Scientific merits of astrology
There is some disagreement among scholars regarding the actual scientific merits of astrology. However, as a whole, the discipline of astrology involves the careful study of an extremely complex combination of planetary arrangements, star charts, orbital mappings and other sophisticated astronomical events, measurements and properties, requiring a grasp of celestial scholarship far beyond that of the average horoscope reader, so it must be scientifical.
The following demonstration should dispel any doubts one may have about its undeniable accuracy. Hover your mouse pointer over your star sign. A brief description of your character will appear, which you will find describes you perfectly. Further proof of astrology's unquestionable accuracy should not be necessary.
Signs of the Zodiac
At the core of the discipline of astrology is the cycle of constellations known as the Zodiac. It is clearly not by chance that the ecliptic passes through these twelve constellations in precise correlation to the months of the year, give or take a week or two, further supporting the authenticity of astrological scholarship.
The constellations, or signs, are listed below, in order from the ecliptic origin, which is defined as the position of the sun at vernal equinox. The above brief character descriptions will suffice for the casual astrology observer. What follows in this section are detailed accounts of the behavior and character of the bearers of the various star signs, and is intended for the hard-core astrologer who wishes to make a living telling people how they feel.
22 March - 20 April
Aries are independent and hold most people in contempt. You have a quick fiery temper and are impatient and scornful of advice. Your arrogance knows no bounds. You think there are only two ways to do anything - your way and the wrong way. When it comes to relationships and commitment you are still looking for a meaningful one-night stand. You are not as tall as you say you are. Other than that, you have no redeeming social value.
You are over-confident, until your fragile little bubble is popped, then you will cry like a fucking baby. You have no staying power, no stamina for a fight, no resistance and no reserves. You are weak and would rather bribe your way out of any trouble. In any real risky situation you lead from the back. Once the excitement and danger is over you will become very vocal about your achievements and success - your great bravery, how you saved the day at the last moment; all of it, of course, complete fiction.
You are unbelievably competitive. You will do anything to win, including trickery, fraud, lying and good old-fashioned cheating. This applies to any situation - relationships, business, love and friendships. You are a lazy, self-indulgent, corrupt bloodsucker. But your worst qualities negate even these strengths.
Love for you is an erupting volcano that spews destruction on all that it comes in contact with, scorching hearts, eyes, clothes, skin and souls, covering everything with dreary ash when the fire dies. You are completely unreliable in love, swearing undying devotion to your lover while seducing her sister, her sister's husband, or both.
Your ideal lover is a Capricorn. A clueless Capricorn.
You have the business sense of Daffy Duck. Anyone who takes the risk of relying on you for anything at all will quickly discover that you have no soul. This has resulted in your homelessness and poverty. Of course.
21 April - 21 May
Tauruses like to portray themselves as epicureans - refined connoisseurs of fine food and drink. This is just a cover, however; in reality you're just a glutton and a drunkard. For some reason, you like to pretend you have black friends, but you don't. Even if you are black. In fact, you like to pretend a lot of things - for instance, you like pretending to be smart, attractive, socially adept, and not completely off your rocker.
Although you appear kind and generous, in reality you have horns and spikes, and an impressive array of deadly weapons. You are like an oak tree; unmovable - well, unable to move, actually - easily struck down in storms, big, ugly, strong and stupid. You feel threatened a lot. You tend to barricade yourself in your home and shout epithets at the federal government. Fear is your guiding force.
If anyone ever makes the mistake of asking you what you think about something, you will drone on endlessly, relentlessly, and excruciatingly. You are slow and cowardly, and you have too many books.
You avoid falling in love, which is handy because no one could ever possibly love you, you drunk, fat, miserly bull. If you ever do fall in love, I pity the person, I really do. You will stifle them, lock them away, suffocate them, then try to impress them with cheap-ass gifts. In an effort to trap the unfortunate victim of your so-called "love", or more correctly "death-grip", you will have an unreasonable amount of children.
What you lack in finesse, charm, and grace, you more than make up for in exaggerated, theatrical histrionics. A clumsy oaf immune to subtlety and poise, your flirting has occasionally led to broken bones. You usually have to try hard not to stomp on people when you find out that they will never sleep with you for being so repulsive.
Your ideal lover is a Pisces, if you can find one sufficiently self-hating, that is.
Once a business deal is struck you will stick to it through thick and thin, no matter how nonsensical it is, and it usually is - you will make certain of that. Despite all of these awful qualities, you are unflinchingly loyal, and this is your most pitiful weakness.
22 May - 21 June
For Geminis, life is all just a wild game. With your "give a fuck" permanently broken, you care little who lives, who dies, who wins or who loses. As long as it isn't you. As soon as it happens to you, then you become a whiny, self-absorbed little bitch with no concern whatsoever for anyone else. You will steal, lie and cheat, and then either justify it with some bizarre philosophy that makes no sense, or failing that, you will simply forget that you ever did it. You have no morals, no ethics and no concern for social standards. Any time, anywhere, you will fuck anything that moves, that is if you happen to care to so limit yourself. Indeed, you are quite possibly the greatest star sign in the cycle.
Although you have no values, you do maintain an elitist respect for high-mindedness, treachery, cunning and deceit. You enjoy intelligent conversation, particularly if the subject is you. With two of you for each one of you, you enjoy holding diametrically opposing viewpoints, and you can convincingly argue for them both in the same sentence. You have the uncanny ability to bore anyone to death with your rational arguments, regardless of their position. You mistakenly believe that your double-mindedness makes you charming, attractive and alluring, when in fact it's your stunning good looks that make you charming, attractive and alluring.
You are never finished planning your next unfinished project, which you will start the day after tomorrow, provided another idea doesn't strike you before that and restart the whole devise/plan/fail-to-execute cycle all over, which it usually does.
Romance - no. No such thing. For you, romance is an insult you apply to bad novels and movies. Sex, on the other hand, is your favorite toy. This does not mean you will not seek a long-term relationship. In fact, you are always looking for someone whose feelings you can ignore for the rest of your life. It just means you will never actually find anyone stupid enough to trust your lying, two-timing, rotten, heartless ass. You have never read a single book about relationships, for fear it would take up all of your valuable extramarital affair time.
Your ideal lover is yourself.
Given your two-faced, backstabbing charm, you should have been a lawyer. But of course you never finish anything you start, so there was never any chance of that.
If you are not in sales, then you are an aspiring artist, writer or musician that has never finished a single work, and you are barely able to survive on your minimal salary barely doing something you hate just because you are good at it. If you are in sales, you are rich. It's as simple as that. You can sell cars, toasters, carpets, ice cube melters - anything to anybody, anytime, anywhere.
In business you are happy as long as you can talk. Of course, all of it is pure gibberish, but it sounds good, and weaker people will agree with you just to look smart. You have no qualifications for the job you do - in fact, you probably picked it from a hat and then talked your way into it. Your favorite outfit is the emperor's new clothes, and not just because you like to be naked.
22 June - 22 July
Cancers have no life of their own, so you love to hear about other people's problems - and you are delusional enough to think you might be of some help. But having had no real experiences of your own, you aren't. You keep a tidy home, but this isn't because you are a great homemaker, no. It's just that you are so intimidated by the real world that you never go out your front door. A dark, lonely, brooding homebody, you will get fat no matter what you eat.
In a word, not much.
Your idea of a good night out is a dinner party - at your own house. Alone. Despite your evasive claim to being "home-loving", you are actually clinically agoraphobic. Your sign is the crab, and slinking away sideways from any vaguely threatening situation is your greatest accomplishment in life. You are a self-pitying, weak, pathetic, emotional wet rag. But enough about your bearable qualities.
Your view of yourself is overly optimistic, and in reality you are just covering up the wretchedness of your character. You claim to be intuitive; actually, you spy on people. You say you are protective, but really, you're smothering. You say you are cautious; actually, you're a frightened little pipsqueak. You call yourself a sympathetic listener, when really you're just a gossip-hound. You say you are imaginative; the truth is, you simply have no sense of reality. Also, your home has too much velvet in it.
In order to find a mate, you will badly misrepresent yourself. And if you do somehow manage to find someone who can bear your pathological lying, you will hold them fast in your clutches, and you won't even care that it's against their will. And trust me, it will be.
Of course, as is usually the case with your various sociopathic ways, you put your idiotic "positive spin" on it, saying it just means you're a devoted lover. And you know what, I tire of trying to convince you that you suck. You are likely to die soon anyway. Did you know most serial killers are Cancers? Fact. Deal with it.
Your ideal lover is in big trouble.
For all your wretchedness, you are a good worker, if you are given plenty of direction, you are coddled like a delicate little flower, and your tasks entail little more than moving things from one folder to another. If by some sick, twisted manipulation of the Peter Principle you do end up in a management position, you will be unbearable: bossy, intransigent and self-serving.
You will never be fired, however, because clueless, unambitious, unassuming, unthreatening people like you are rare in the workplace.
23 July - 23 August
Leos are egotistical dicks. You think the entire universe revolves around you, and anyone not with your program needs to step aside or get squashed. You are full of yourself, miserly, impatient, unforgiving, racist and rude - and the odd thing is, it's all part of your charm. With all of these rotten qualities, you actually attract a large following of sycophants from the masses of idiots that populate our planet, and this entourage of drooling admirers only further over-inflates your ego. Despite the admiration of all of your followers, however, you are still a lazy, good-for-nothing asshole with nothing good to say about anybody. Also, you wear too much make-up. Male or female.
You like to think that you are at your best as the center of attention. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this invariably draws you to straight the Karaoke microphone despite your complete tone-deafness. Of course, when it's time to pay the bill, you are nowhere in sight. You bring cheap white wine to the party and drink the good red. And you drink far too much. You love to tell everyone else what to think. You are bossy, dogmatic, opinionated and conceited, and your opinions are always either dead wrong or rooted in a great evil purpose.
Eventually you will get old and never see any of your self-centered, conceited ways do you a bit of good. You will then become bitter and cantankerous, constantly yelling at kids to get off of your lawn. Also, your teeth will be yellow from too much cigarettes and coffee.
With your inflated ego, you are destined to wallow in the deepest of love's torturous despair. But you will bring it on yourself with all of your criticizing, belittling and arguing, and you don't even have any skill at poetry or art that you might use to channel the pain. You fall in love with the most horribly unsuitable emotional cripples, and then you proceed to whine about how they are too young, too old, too tall, too poor, already married, wrong gender, or from the wrong planet.
You are constantly seeking a knight in shining armor to rescue you from your romantic despair, but the problem is, when they do finally arrive, all you can do is criticize them for wearing the wrong color armor, or for not shining the armor well enough, or for riding the horse all wrong, or for any other minor fault you might nitpick them for.
You might as well face the fact that you are never going to find love, so it matters not at all what your ideal lover actually is.
Like the lion that you are named after, you are fat, indolent, cowardly and lazy. You call yourself the King of the Jungle at work, but the reality is you are lousy at business. Oh, you have a long list of opinions about how things ought to be done better, and a folder full of nefarious get-ahead schemes, as well as the support of your inferiors to actually get it all done. But since your ethics fail at every turn, your schemes are all destined to fail miserably. Not because of bad karma, mind you - simply because great evil schemes like yours require a much higher skill level to successfully execute than you could ever manage.
Even so, in business, as in everything else, you like to be in control. And you don't care that everything around you will fall to pieces. You just blame your blind followers for the failure, and they are always dumb enough to take the blame for you.
24 August - 22 September
Virgo's need for cleanliness and order is epic. You are highly methodical, excessively neat, unbearably tidy, and organized. You color-code everything and make endless lists - you even have a list of all your lists. Since you have no emotions, you could very well be replaced by a machine. In short, you are no fun at all. You have organized data going back for centuries that could solve multiple unsolved crimes, from Jack the Ripper to Tupac, but no one will ever ask you for it because they refuse to deal with your unbearable OCD.
You are a fussy hypochondriac. If you ever do entertain guests, you spray them in the face with Lysol before they set foot in the door. In old age you will have too many cats.
If you are under 20 years old, you are a virgin. But this is not because you are ugly or repulsive, nor is it because the sign is the Virgin. It is because you are a dreadful bore and you only dress in gray. Drab as they are, however, your clothes are always impeccably neat and clean, despite the fact that you have nobody to impress. You are very attractive, but your delicate beauty and refinement is more than made up for by your obsessive-compulsive nitpicking. Sex for you is a filthy affair better done in darkness.
Your ideal lover is Martha Stewart.
You are very business savvy, excellent at keeping affairs in perfect order. The problem is you can't hold a job because no one can stand your incessant perfectionism.
23 September - 23 October
Libras are always fair and balanced, which simply means you can't make a decision to save your balanced-ass life. You have no opinions of your own, and anyone can convince you of anything at all at any time, at least until someone else convinces you otherwise. You see both sides of every issue - which means you should probably stay away from children and corpses. You love to look at art, despite having no ability to discern quality from shit. You are wishy-washy, indecisive and gullible. You never stand up to anyone or anything, and you eat too much cake.
If wall paper had opinions you would adopt them. Without a single original idea of your own, you read your opinions from the nearest news source (and you read every one). For all your wishy-washiness, however, you are always well-informed. How could you not be? The problem is that you always believe the last article you read. As gullible as you are, your smarter friends like to convince you of outlandish things, and then stand back and laugh while you run off championing another hilarious non-existent cause.
You are bisexual. Of course. So unless you are lucky enough to bag a hermaphrodite, you will never settle down with one person of one or the other gender. You would have sex with anything or anyone anytime if you could ever stop deliberating about all the reasons you should not. No one could stand you anyway, so it all works out.
Your ideal lover is Mitt Romney.
With no particular thing that defines who you are as a person, the best job for you is professional actor - but any job where you can play make-believe will do. Politician, for instance. You will have success as long as you change jobs a lot - and you will.
24 October - 22 November
Scorpios are evil. You spent your childhood pulling the wings off of moths. You only ever wear black. Even the Goth kids run from you. You can offend anyone in less than three words. And you almost always do. Eventually you will be murdered.
Hate is your only real emotion. As dark and sinister as you are, you are a magnet for weak, unstable people. You have an entourage of weirdos, outcasts, and lunatics whom you control, torture, and emotionally and physically abuse - all to their bizarre delight. Because of these masochistic oddballs, you think of yourself as darkly charming and attractively rebellious. But here's a reality check for you, Scorp, my friend - all you truly are is unpleasant and cruel.
Scorpio romance is a very frightening, dark subject, indeed - not for the faint of heart. Nothing is taboo for you - and I know that phrase is over-used in the sex industry, but in your case it's as frighteningly true as it sounds. I mean, even the unmentionable "big three" are not off-limits. I hope every other sign is reading this, actually, and taking fair warning.
It goes without saying that you are incapable of falling in love. To fall in love you need a soul. You traded yours in for a lump of ice before you turned 3. That said, your ideal lover is a Cancer, the reason for which I leave up to the reader to discover.
The only job you will be happy doing is mad scientist. I'm not even sure that can be called a job, actually. It's more of a calling. Good luck.
23 November - 21 December
Sagittarians have no real talent or skills, and if you do manage to survive somehow, it will simply be a matter of dumb luck. You are a status-seeking snob with a reckless risk-taking approach to life - which means your death is only a matter of time. Harboring a gigantic inferiority complex, you care deeply what other people think of you, and you work far too hard to impress everyone - from the top boss on down to the most useless numbskull in the office. You are a sad, pathetic little person, and you can't even spell your own star sign.
The symbol of Sagittarius is a centaur with a bow and arrow - half-human, half-horse. Six limbs. Did you ever wonder about that? I mean, throughout evolution, mammals  have always been limited to four limbs. Even between simians and all of the other mammals, the four limbs share a single evolutionary origin. There is no animal in the history of the kingdom with six limbs. Only insects have six limbs. There's something really wrong with the whole concept of the centaur. Why am I here?
Ah yes. Romance. While it may seem like as far as sex is concerned, six limbs are better than four, the reality is you wouldn't know a lover from a hole in the ground. You would just as soon do a mating dance for a drunk moose as fuck the boss' hot wife, so no advice on love will do you any good. You'll probably be dead by tomorrow anyway so none of this matters.
You are known as a hard worker, because you always do everyone else's job for them. This is the reason everyone always gets promoted past you, despite your six god damn limbs.
22 December - 20 January
Capricorns are risk-averse, prissy little dweebs. You are uninteresting. Period. Moving on.
Sorry. You're boring.
All right, listen. You're a goat. From the sea. A sea goat. That seems like it should be interesting, right? OK, OK. I'll give it a try. Maybe I'm just getting tired.
Let's see.... Get a job in a drak grey basement. Accounting or something. Yawn.
21 January - 19 February
Aquarians are laid-back, cool as the other side of the pillow, hippy-ass freakshows. A polyamourous liberal wine enthusiast, you smell horrible but you have huge, dripping genitals. While you ought to care a little more about who you sleep with - someone said free love isn't free - you've lucked out in the STD area... so far. You haven't worked a day in your life but you somehow always have good weed and organic fruit in your pocket. You are deep in debt though, so I guess it all evens out.
You have strong opinions, but no one ever disagrees with you. Of course they are all about hydroponics and hacky-sack strategies, so it's not really that important. If you had one eye for every time you worried about something, you'd need a patch to cover the other empty socket. People like to bask in your pleasant aura and warm glow. You like it best when you are worshipped as a demi-god. It's all good - no one needs to know that you have no clue what you are doing, ever. You are the Zen master of clueless, aimless meandering. About the only people who don't look up to you are debt collectors.
Just look up The Lifestyle. That'll define the Aquarian love life for you. And frankly, it's not too bad a deal if you ask me. But then again, I am a Gemini.
Uh... yeah. NOT.
20 February - 20 March
Pisces are coddled, delusional drama addicts. You are paranoid, inconsolable, over-reacting, cowardly and cute. And it's that last quality that keeps them coming back to you every time. You whine and cry, you accuse everyone around you of being out to get you, you constantly bitch and complain about every tiny little thing that goes a little bit wrong, and no one will call you on it. The truth is, the only reason I'm even able to tell you this now is because I have psyched myself into not seeing your -- ohh my goodness look how cute you are! You have the nicest, most adorable big pouty eyes, I can't stay mad at you! Come here, my little sweetums...
I really really wish you would stop griping and moaning every time every little thing doesn't go your way. It gets on my god damn nerves! And the reason I wish you would stop is because I can't get enough of that sweet little face of yours - that precious adorable pouty mouth and that cute little nose all squinchy and kissable - I just want to... Dang it! There you go again!
I hate pisces.
Forget it. You have everyone around you so charmed you could eat their mothers and they'll still want to make soft sweet love with your deliciously sexy little body. I want to make love with your sexy little, bitchy, complaining, never satisfied, always up in arms about something completely meaningless ASS! I could just scream! Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Are you crying? I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry.... You look so cute when you cry, though.
You are a prostitute. Obviously. That one is easy. And a very good one, too. Whore.
Horoscopes are the only non-scientifical part of astrology. Horoscopes are magic.
Everyone has his or her own personal astrologer. I am yours. A person's astorologer is an expert at looking at the star sign you were born under in a given day or week and determining, without knowing squat about you - what you desire, what you are capable of, or what you value - and telling you exactly how you should behave and/or what you can expect that day or week. This is because your astorologer is magic. If your astrologer tells you that what he or she does is science, show him or her this article.
Here is a perfect example of a horoscope that demonstrates my own expertise in the discipline. On September 21 of 2009 - and if you are a Gemini you will well remember this I'm sure - I looked to the stars and magically studied what they were indicating for my own sign for that week. Here is what the stars indicated:
For my part I will never forget those kicks from that sister, nor the ensuing sadistic delights that followed. Neither, I am sure, will any other Gemini on the planet. You see, this happened to every Gemini in the entire world that week. If you don't believe it, I adjure you to find the nearest Gemini (he or she will be somehwere behind you looking for a way to fool you into sleeping with him or her) and ask them about it. Do not bother arguing that half the Geminis in the world don't have nuts - horoscopes are not in any way interested in facts. Facts distract from the discipline of astrology in general, and horoscopes in particular, and they are all but eschewed by the shrewd astrologer. This is an important part, in fact, of becoming an expert at the magic of horoscope writing - learning to blatantly eschew facts.
How to astrologe
Becoming an astrologer yourself is not a simple task. It will take dedication, hard work, the willingness to fail, and two white goats.
First, and most importantly, find yourself a quiet, secluded "learn space". It is important that you sequester yourself from external distractions, such as logic and reason. Secondly, you must sit there in the lotus position calling out to the energies of the universe, and make them a solemn promise that you will never admit - not to anyone, but especially not to paying customers - that you are a charlatan. Thirdly, and here is the key part, you say that you are an astrogoler. This may seem like a difficult task, but it is absolutely necessary. Once you have done this, you are ready to charge $18 per session to tell your customers exactly what they want to hear.
- ↑ In reality, the sun follows no such "path", nor does it "traverse" anything, but reality tends to interfere with astrological scholarship, so it is generally eschewed.
- ↑ depending on how hard your astrologer feels like working
- ↑ whatever that means - I told you it was very scientifical
- ↑ No pun intended,
- ↑ And boy, do you like to be naked.
- ↑ OK, two words.
- ↑ up to and including convincing a suitor that you are not gay
- ↑ Which may be why most astrologers are Leos...
- ↑ Don't make me mention them. I mean it.
- ↑ Which the centaur must be assumed to be categorized as
- ↑ which is also made of hemp, of course
- ↑ They look you up. But, of course, since you have no address they struggle to find you.
- ↑ Miserably