Horny

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“Lord Byron knows all about horny”

~ Oscar Wilde on being gay

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Horny.

Being horny isn't one of the strangest of the strange diseases of life, with male "victims" ranging from birth to Michael Jackson. You, in fact, at this moment are horny, you just don't know it. It comes in many forms and is common in all species of animals. Be it the dog humping your leg or your little brother on the sofa pillows, it's there staring you straight in the groin.

Unbeknownst to all, this horny toad is making good use of the victim's hand. The victim will write it off as one of the more acceptable bodily wastes and never speak of it again, as is often the case when a male is touched by the genital excrement of another male.

[edit] Facts About Being Horny

Being horny is a disease that one covers up in the early stages of the onset (by blaming it on the fold of the jeans, or by sticking one's hands in one's pockets and pushing the thumb outward as far as possible while walking in an obvious sort of hunched over position and hoping to god the cool kids don't notice), gives up trying to hide by the time one reaches 25 or so, and then feels the need to aid in the later stages of life by means of viagra, the weekender, and popping the cherries of innocent teenage girls who mistakenly happened by the church on her way home from school.

Goats without horns are usually infertile, therefore we can assume that horny goats are perfectly capable of mating to produce offspring, and will not cease to do so unless forcibly restrained or subdued by means of tranquilizers or the calming effects of dark chocolate.

A rare picture of a woman that's actully horny..."Feme-Horny"; long believed to be a myth, was recently discovered on myspace and in Rhode Island.

Humans are the only species with the ability to shoot lasers out of their nipples. It comes from the circulation of blood being simutaneously tricombusted into the form of electric waves that descend from the brain. The secret to having "laser tits" is to create arousal and stimulation in the mind and body while at the same time keeping your chest and especially teet pores extremeley cold-almost subzero temperatures. It is with this ability that speculators feel John Wilkes Booth was able to assasinate President Lincoln from behind closed doors. He was found earlier at the bar demanding ice and a rubdown from the male serving drinks. If Wilkes wasn't aroused by the black scottish terrier he brushed passed at the bathroom, he would have never been able to shoot lasers out of his nipples, Abe would still be honest, and in retrospect the Civil Rights Movement may have ceased to exist.

[edit] Horniness in History

Many credited historians believe Caesar was horny when he engaged in acts of public fornication with Cleopatra, thus effectively giving her control of the entire Roman Empire, along with parts of Cuba, Guam, and his few acres of the Moon after a divorce in 1973. Cleopatra was later quoted as saying "MAI BABYS DADDEH AINT GOT NO RESPECT" After deftly conquering the Roman Empire by means of the blow job, Cleopatra moved on to greener pastures. she employed the worlds first non-fleshy object for means of vaginal penetration, thereby introducing the world to the New Age, where women could go through life pretending never to want sex, and can accuse men of being pigs simply because they DO. Later on a one legged French prostitute with leporacy would blow the secret by demonstrating use of the dildo in public, however Cleopatra musn't be robbed of credit for accomplishments in the area of female superiority.

Many a young lad has been horny in history, usually when paired to give a presentation on the Middle-East with the hottest girl in class, declaring "it's hot in the middle east..." trailing off as he realises that comparing this aspect of the Middle-East to the bod of his female partner would only alert the entire class to his quite embarrassing condition, and the reason he is hunched over with his hands in his pockets in the first place.

[edit] Treating Horny

The cure.

If you come down with a case of horny, there are several actions you can take. Some of them are relatively painless, and the others are for those masochists out there:

You can take antibiotics. These treat the infection roaming through your body. In order to make sure they work you should put your left foot in, take your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about. That's basically what it's all about.

Castration. That is right, a good ol' chop at the nads. Quick and effective. My advice, don't use anastethic.

Death. If you are dead then you can't really be horny. Can you, punk?

For you religion nuts out there, pray to Satan. Clearly someone who doesn't want to be horny is Satan worshipper.

Sex. The only sure fire way to rid yourself of an embarrassing case of horny is to screw anything that moves or at least looks like you could poke your dick in it and retrieve it safely. More than 98% of the male popluation suffers from horny at any one time, as reported from an Australian study conducted recently. The study concluded that the other 2% are statisticians or castrated monthly. The Australian study was then studied by a North Korean study. Of course, the North Korean study was then studied by students at MIT. No one studied the students though, because they are nerds and no one likes nerds.