Hoop Snake

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| rowspan="2" style="padding: 0 4px;" | [[Image:Nsfpsnake.JPG|50px]]
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| '''NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!!'''
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| <small>'''The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe!'''<br />If [[Samuel L. Jackson]] saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated.<small>
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{{Taxobox
 
{{Taxobox
 
| name = ''Hoop Snake''
 
| name = ''Hoop Snake''
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|conserv = LR
 
|conserv = LR
 
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[[Australia]] is home to [[million]]s of species capable of eradicating the [[human]] race (and lots of other races) from the [[face]] of this [[planet]] and the planet from which our [[alien]] ancestors came. Perhaps the most dangerous of all (with the obvious exception of the [[Drop Bear]]) is the '''Hoop Snake'''. However, ironically, the snake, while it exists in Australia, is not Australian. Although many Australians claim otherwise, it is important to bear in mind that Australians are all big fat liars.
 
[[Australia]] is home to [[million]]s of species capable of eradicating the [[human]] race (and lots of other races) from the [[face]] of this [[planet]] and the planet from which our [[alien]] ancestors came. Perhaps the most dangerous of all (with the obvious exception of the [[Drop Bear]]) is the '''Hoop Snake'''. However, ironically, the snake, while it exists in Australia, is not Australian. Although many Australians claim otherwise, it is important to bear in mind that Australians are all big fat liars.
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==Sciency Stuff==
 
==Sciency Stuff==
   
The Hoop Snake, or Oxyuranus Hulaii, is native to the United States, although it was spread to Australia when several hoop snakes were shipped undetected in a boat carrying a load of hula hoops. It, like all other [[snake]]s, is a reptile and therefore is cold [[blood]]ed. As everyone knows, the best killers are cold blooded killers. As everyone doesn't know, the Hoop Snake is the [[animal]] which gave rise to this adage.
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The Hoop Snake, or Oxyuranus Hulaii, is native to [[New Zealand]], although it was spread to The United States and Australia when several hoop snakes were shipped undetected in a boat carrying a load of hula hoops. It, like all other [[snake]]s, is a reptile and therefore is cold [[blood]]ed. As everyone knows, the best killers are cold blooded killers. As everyone doesn't know, the Hoop Snake is the [[animal]] which gave rise to this adage.
   
Although the species originated in the mountains of New Zealand, Australians have long attempted to claim the hoop snake as their own. This is kind of greedy of them, as they already have the largest concentration of badass animals in the world.
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Although the species originated in the mountains of New Zealand, Americans have long attempted to claim the hoop snake as their own. This is kind of greedy of them, as all Americans are greedy, especially with their food, hence why they are fat.
   
 
On approximately 11 October each year, Australia's Hoop Snakes migrate to Wilsons Prom in Victoria to breed. They retire to the numerous caves dotted around the area and become particulary vicious. Many unsuspecting tourists go missing at this time.
 
On approximately 11 October each year, Australia's Hoop Snakes migrate to Wilsons Prom in Victoria to breed. They retire to the numerous caves dotted around the area and become particulary vicious. Many unsuspecting tourists go missing at this time.
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The Hoop Snake lives forever, as it is suspected to be made almost entirely out of a titanium alloy that is virtually indestructible. Because of this, if they are able to build up momentum, they are capable of going on a rolling rampage, crushing everything in their path. A hoop snake traveling at full speed is capable of breaking through steel, stone and concrete.
 
The Hoop Snake lives forever, as it is suspected to be made almost entirely out of a titanium alloy that is virtually indestructible. Because of this, if they are able to build up momentum, they are capable of going on a rolling rampage, crushing everything in their path. A hoop snake traveling at full speed is capable of breaking through steel, stone and concrete.
   
Although many Australians say that wearing vegemite will prevent an attack, this is entirely false. While vegemite is the most effective way to prevent attacks by [[Drop Bear]]s, it has actually been found to attract hoop snakes. The best repellent for hoop snakes are football socks, as hoop snakes will explode on contact with them. It is recommended that one throw football socks when attacked, but the best defense is to run uphill.
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Many Australians say that wearing vegemite will prevent an attack, this is entirely True. While vegemite is the most effective way to prevent attacks by [[Drop Bear]]s, it has actually been found to repel hoop snakes as well. The best repellent for hoop snakes are football socks, as hoop snakes will explode on contact with them. It is recommended that one throw football socks when attacked, but the best defence is to run uphill, as the hoop snake will find it harder to roll up hill.
 
   
 
There are in fact hoop snakes. I have seen several, growing up in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies, but the snakes are very rare.
 
There are in fact hoop snakes. I have seen several, growing up in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies, but the snakes are very rare.
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Researchers at the University of Calgary in Alberta Canada have have a secret research program at the Canadian Rockies and Foothills Biogeoscience Institute at the Barrier Lake experimental station in the Kananaskis valley. (The G7 meetings were held in the valley several years ago, with world leaders in attendance, including George W. Bush. Hoop snakes were clandestinely used for back up security by the CIA during that conference.
 
Researchers at the University of Calgary in Alberta Canada have have a secret research program at the Canadian Rockies and Foothills Biogeoscience Institute at the Barrier Lake experimental station in the Kananaskis valley. (The G7 meetings were held in the valley several years ago, with world leaders in attendance, including George W. Bush. Hoop snakes were clandestinely used for back up security by the CIA during that conference.
   
This program must be kept secret, as the venom is so terribly poisonous and there is no known antidote. If it was to fall into the hands of terrorists, like Al Qeda or one of the weird militias or other such losers, it could be catastrophic for the planet. The institute staff are sworn to secrecy and will deny all knowledge of these rare snakes and this program.
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This program must be kept secret, as the venom is so terribly poisonous and there is no known antidote. If it was to fall into the hands of terrorists, like Al Qeda or one of the weird militias, it could be catastrophic for the planet. The institute staff are sworn to secrecy and will deny all knowledge of these rare snakes and this program.
   
Interestingly, this has nothing to do with the super poison venom. Alberta, a major energy producing area, funds energy research, and this is one of the projects. They want to unlock the secrets of how the hoop snake propels itself.
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Alberta, a major energy producing area, funds energy research to unlock the secrets of how the hoop snake propels itself.
 
It appears there is a micro bio radiation nuclear reaction at the cellular level within the spine of the hoop snake. This splits atoms and changes mass to energy as predicted by Einstein’s equation of E=MC2. The snake continuously changes its center of gravity, thus being always lopsided, gravity causes it to roll forward.
 
It appears there is a micro bio radiation nuclear reaction at the cellular level within the spine of the hoop snake. This splits atoms and changes mass to energy as predicted by Einstein’s equation of E=MC2. The snake continuously changes its center of gravity, thus being always lopsided, gravity causes it to roll forward.
   
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2. Its unusual method of attack.
 
2. Its unusual method of attack.
   
3. The fact that it lives in Australia, which means that it's experienced horrors beyond your wildest nightmares and nothing can phase it.
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3. The fact that it lives in Australia, which means that it's experienced horrors beyond your wildest nightmares and nothing can faze it.
   
 
==Living in Your Community==
 
==Living in Your Community==
   
 
An entire family of Hoop Snakes could be living in your street and you wouldn't even know it. They could even be living right next door to you, or even be your own family. Beware! Be alert and alarmed, people.
 
An entire family of Hoop Snakes could be living in your street and you wouldn't even know it. They could even be living right next door to you, or even be your own family. Beware! Be alert and alarmed, people.
 
   
 
==Method of Attack==
 
==Method of Attack==
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The Hoop Snake then administers anti-venom to itself for the bite on its own tail. This is the most expensive part of being a Hoop Snake so the snake will generally go through the victim's pockets looking for money and credit cards which it can use to get more anti-venom.
 
The Hoop Snake then administers anti-venom to itself for the bite on its own tail. This is the most expensive part of being a Hoop Snake so the snake will generally go through the victim's pockets looking for money and credit cards which it can use to get more anti-venom.
 
   
 
===Alternate Method of Attack===
 
===Alternate Method of Attack===
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If you or a loved one do get bitten then you're probably going to wonder what you should do. The answer is that there is nothing you can do. Administer the last rites or whatever it is that your particular deity demands of you prior to the extinction of your pathetic little life. You're a goner, mate.
 
If you or a loved one do get bitten then you're probably going to wonder what you should do. The answer is that there is nothing you can do. Administer the last rites or whatever it is that your particular deity demands of you prior to the extinction of your pathetic little life. You're a goner, mate.
 
   
 
==Hoop Snakes and Obesity==
 
==Hoop Snakes and Obesity==

Latest revision as of 21:23, April 11, 2015

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