Hoop Snake
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| NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!! |
| The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe! If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated. |
| Hoop Snake | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Reptilia |
| Order | Squamata |
| Family | Colubridae |
| Genus | Oxyuranus |
| Species | Hulaii |
| Binomial Name | Oxyuranus Hulaii |
| Primary Armament | Rolling assault |
| Secondary Armament | Bite |
| Power Supply | Long rolling range |
| HP: | 20 |
| Mana Points: | 16 |
| Strength: | 9 |
| Intelligence: | 7 |
| Weight | 4-11 kg |
| Length | 2-4 metres |
| Special Attack | Can call in cousin "Pogo Snake". |
| Conservation Status | LR |
Contents |
[edit] Sciency Stuff
The Hoop Snake, or Oxyuranus Hulaii, is native to the United States, although it was spread to Australia when several hoop snakes were shipped undetected in a boat carrying a load of hula hoops. It, like all other snakes, is a reptile and therefore is cold blooded. As everyone knows, the best killers are cold blooded killers. As everyone doesn't know, the Hoop Snake is the animal which gave rise to this adage.
Although the species originated in the mountains of North Carolina, Australians have long attempted to claim the hoop snake as their own. This is kind of greedy of them, as they already have the largest concentration of badass animals in the world.
On approximately 11 October each year, Australia's Hoop Snakes migrate to Wilsons Prom in Victoria to breed. Male and female Hoop Snakes have approximately 50 partners during the next few weeks. These partners are chosen randomly by the females. The Males all put their car keys in a large fruit bowl and the blindfolded females take it in turns to take a set of keys from the bowl. The male who owns the car keys is then allowed to have his way with the female before having his keys returned to him. He is then able to return to his hotel if he needs a break or return his keys to the bowl if he is a real man with some stamina.
Americans snakes have a different mating ritual. Every year in late spring for two weeks, hoop snakes will migrate to Florida, where they have intercourse with as many as 300 others, prey on partying college kids, and get drunk off their reptilian non-existent tits.
The Hoop Snake is born as an egg. The mother snake then sits on the egg for approximately 4 weeks, occasionally making the 4 mile trek to the ocean to hunt krill to maintain its body fat reserves. When the eggs hatch the baby snakes come out and they look so cute with their big round eyes and their forked, sticky-outy tongues.
The Hoop Snake lives forever, as it is suspected to be made almost entirely out of a titanium alloy that is virtually indestructible. Because of this, if they are able to build up momentum, they are capable of going on a rolling rampage, crushing everything in their path. A hoop snake traveling at full speed is capable of breaking through steel, stone and concrete.
Although many Australians say that wearing vegemite will prevent an attack, this is entirely false. While vegemite is the most effective way to prevent attacks by Drop Bears, it has actually been found to attract hoop snakes. The best repellent for hoop snakes is grits, as hoop snakes will explode on contact with them. It is recommended that one throw uncooked grits when attacked, but eating them at least once a week is also effective.
[edit] Attacks!
The hoop snake is so deadly for 3 reasons:
1. Its ability to live unsuspected in the community until the time is right for an attack
2. Its unusual method of attack.
3. The fact that it lives in Australia, which means that it's experienced horrors beyond your wildest nightmares and nothing can phase it.
[edit] Living in Your Community
An entire family of Hoop Snakes could be living in your street and you wouldn't even know it. They could even be living right next door to you, or even be your own family. Beware! Be alert and alarmed, people.
[edit] Method of Attack
The Hoop Snake's attack works best from uphill. A Hoop Snake will wait at the top of a hill, mountain or even slight incline. It will wait until an unsuspecting victim walks past below doing something innocent and unsuspecting like going to the shops to buy some bread or walking around looking for cars to steal.
When the hoop snake spies its victim it bites its own tail to form the eponymous hoop. It then begins to roll towards the victim. With undulations of its muscular body it gains speed and momentum at an exponential rate. Before long it is careening headlong towards the unsuspecting victim who has just managed to get their jemmy down beside the car window.
At the last moment the snake lets go of its tail and hurtles through the air with its 5-inch fangs bared and pointing towards the victim's buttocks.
The fatal venom is administered and the victim is generally dead so quickly they manage only to say, "Holy shit. What the fuck was tha..." before collapsing on the ground.
The Hoop Snake then administers anti-venom to itself for the bite on its own tail. This is the most expensive part of being a Hoop Snake so the snake will generally go through the victim's pockets looking for money and credit cards which it can use to get more anti-venom.
[edit] Alternate Method of Attack
Today's hoop snakes have developed a new and insidious way to attack. Taking advantage of the cartilaginous nature of their skeletal structure, they can arrange their bodies in a way that gives the appearance of cheap and rigid plastic, thus disguising themselves as hula hoops. Then they lay down in some conspicuous place and wait for victims. Some innocent person will come along, see what appears to an unattended hula hoop, pick it up and begin twirling it around their waist, only to have it come alive in mid-twirl. By the time the victim realizes they have been tricked, it's too late. This method is very clever on the hoop snakes' part, as they don't have to expend energy on rolling and leaping, and there is less chance of the victim escaping.
[edit] Avoiding Attacks
It is almost impossible to avoid being attacked by a Hoop Snake. They attack. It's just what they do. You can, however, learn and practise taking evasive action when the Hoop Snake does attack. School children in Australia and rural areas of the United States are routinely interrupted for Hoop Snake Drills during class, just in case.
The Hoop Snake relies on downhill slopes and the force of gravity to make its attacks. For this reason the best method of defence is a good offence. If you see a Hoop Snake rolling towards you, start running back uphill towards it. At just the right moment, step to the side like you're dodging a tackle from Glenn Lazarus. (If you're American and don't know who that is, look him up now, because lack of this knowledge could cost you your life.) The Hoop Snake will fly past you. Once it is downhill from you, you are safe. Timing is the most important factor here. Too late and you're dead. Too early and you're dead. Just right and you live to tell the tale. Practice makes perfect and there are plenty of Australian corporations that provide Hoop Snake training equipment so that you don't have to practice with the real thing. American corporations are too busy taking over the world.
The only way to avoid being attacked by a hoop snake pretending to be a hula hoop is to not pick up unattended hula hoops. If you see a hula hoop lying around and want to find out if it is really a hoop snake, poke it with a sharp stick. If it is only a hula hoop, nothing will happen. If it is a hoop snake, you just made a big mistake.
Buttock protection equipment is now available at Woolies. This is a thick arse-shaped piece of cardboard that you slide in the back of your stubbies. These protectors come in three sizes: scrawny, normal and bootylicious. Americans typically import equipment or insert steel plates in the seats of their pants.
For some reason, the snakes don't often attack Americans, especially ones that have grown up in or near the Appalachian mountains. They seem to have very distinct preferences in their prey and it is speculated that they migrated to Australia because Aussies have a very salty, vegemite-y flavour that they enjoy. Each year, hundreds of attacks on Australians are attributed to the hoop snake.
[edit] First Aid
If you or a loved one do get bitten then you're probably going to wonder what you should do. The answer is that there is nothing you can do. Administer the last rites or whatever it is that your particular deity demands of you prior to the extinction of your pathetic little life. You're a goner, mate.
[edit] Hoop Snakes and Obesity
Because hoop snakes exist only in the two fattest countries in the world, some scientists have proposed a possible connection between the presence of hoop snakes and a high obesity rate. It is likely that the hoop snake's uncanny resemblance to a hula hoop causes Americans and Australians to fear using hula hoops. Without hula hoops to aid their workouts, their body weights skyrocket.
[edit] See also
