Hong Xiuquan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Although not as sexy as Original Jesus, Jesus' younger brother still make men ashamed of their bodies when they see his incredible physique.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hong Xiuquan.

Hong Xiuquan, (Chinese: 洪秀全), otherwise known as Grand Ayatollah of the Kingdom of Heavenly Peace, was the younger brother of Jesus who rebellioned against the Qing dynasty under the name of establishing a Christian theocracy in China. Scholars have debated why God would have placed his second son on nearly the opposite end of the earth, some believe that God knew he had already ruined his chances of ever creating peace on earth in the western hemisphere, while others believe he, like all Jews, likes Chinese food. Whatever the reason, his life is the most hilarious episode in Chinese history in which 200 million died in the farcical course of events which resulted in the military disasters that resulted from Hong's plans.

edit How did this happen?

At the beginning of time, God had two sons, Jesus and Hong Xiuquan. He sent his first son down to the Roman province of Judea, while he did not tell anyone about his second son, but 1800 years later without any announcement sent him down to a Hakka village in China no one has heard of, Fuyuanshui in the province of Guangdong: King Herod would have never thought to look there in a thousand years. Knowing that their son was one of the sons of God, Hong Xiuquan's parents believed that he had a future in the Chinese government and set him to studying for the {{w|Civil Service Entrance Examinations]]. Like most good Asian parents, they used physical punishment some very persuasive means to make him study, and this placed a lot of pressure on the young Hong. He placed first in the local preliminary exam, and went to Guangzhou where he overheard an Evangelical missionary reading the bible translated into Chinese; thinking nothing of it at the time. During the exam he became so nervous that his mind blanked out during the examination and he failed, not only once, twice, but thrice. After his third time failing the examination he had a complete mental breakdown religious vision in which he saw God revealing himself as his father and his older brother Jesus standing beside him. He watched Confucius burn in hell for his faithlessness and for making generations of students study for the Imperial Examination have to read all his long boring books. Then some angels gave him a life to his big bros loft up in heaven where he gave him his sword and a seal and told Hong Xiuquan to go purge China of demon worshipers. When he regained consciousness from his breakdown vision he dismissed it as just a bout of Asian bird flu, and went back to studying. However, after he failed the 4th time at the Chinese Civil Service Exam he decided that trying to pass the examinations was too difficult what with the 1% pass rate, and instead took on the full-time occupation of being Jesus' younger brother. For the next 6 years he would be too busy teaching to actually learn anymore about his big brother, until suddenly it hit him who those people in the vision were and that Confucian and Buddhist statues were demons. He told some of his relatives who had also failed the exam and they began cleaning up the streets. Hong's Confucian employers didn't really like this so he and his followers lost their tutoring jobs and marched 300 miles west of Guangxi were they were more sympathetic to his smashing sacred statuary.

edit The Missionary

Over the next decade he got a hold of a Southern Baptist missionaries bible which helped him fill in some of the gaps in his understanding of God. Christian missionaries who were initially unwilling to support Hong eventually did, and tried teaching him the words of God was revealed in the Bible. However they became very alarmed when Hong started writing his own version of the Bible, inserting himself into the stories of the New Testament where he was baptized alongside Jesus in the Jordan River. Not only did he need to be the younger brother of Jesus have a wish to be venerated as a God, but he also needed to have an over sized demon slaying sword one meter and four and a half kilos, like his other favorite Christian hero King Arthur.

edit The Kingdom of Heavenly Peace

As Hong gained numerous followers who found the safety of the church a better alternative than the marauding bands of pirates and bandits, the Chinese government became worried of the potential threat this new religious sect could pose against them. As Hong became more and more entrenched in his total insanity religious vision he became convinced that God had sent him down as a heavenly ruler of all China, Western missionaries who have been teaching Hong Xiuquan Christianity became wary of him. On January 11, 1851 declared himself to be the Grand Ayatollah of the Kingdom of Heavenly Peace (Chinese: 太平天国), the official leader of a Chinese theocracy, some missionaries who have been backing him withdrew all their support. However, Hong Xiuquan had all the support he needs from his followers who believed that he was the son of God. In quick order he recruited men to his personal army, and as quickly as it became feasible, attacked the Green Standing Army stationed by the government despite being outnumbered 10 to 1 and had even enlisted the local river pirates. The war torn Chinese government, who had already suffered a devastating defeat by the Manchus 200 years before could not face the dishonor of yet another defeat by their own people in a civil war, so they retaliated, sparking the {{wp:Jintian Uprising}}. In the ensuing battles of the Taiping Rebellion, the government failed miserably, and faced defeat after humiliating defeat at the hands of the troops of Hong Xiuquan and Feng Yunshan.

Every citizen was trained for total war. Hongs followers were supported by the local landowners but soon ran out of gunpowder, and so lay siege to Guilin; but the city and it's walls stood their ground. Heading north to Hunan they encountered an elite anti peasant militia. At Soyi Ford by 1852, 20% of the rebels were killed, yet they still managed to take Nanjing the next year. Hong introduced numerous reforms like communal land ownership and issued more equal rights for men and women, having the sexes in his new sect of God Worshippers (拜上帝會) segregated so he could have all the hottest Asian women for himself. Hong became suspicious when his dad started talking through the rebellion general of the east Yang Xiuqing; and so did the Christian thing and had Yang and his family assassinated.

On the verge of poisoning himself to avoid the dishonor of losing China to a measly band of religious fanatics, the Emperor of China received a reprieve when he received a message from the English and French that they were willing to help him to defeat Hong Xiuquan for the exchange of the privilege of selling opium to the Chinese. Knowing the full dangers of opium the emperor nonetheless considered it less mind altering than Christianity, and reluctantly agreed to cooperate with the Foreign Devils in order to maintain his empire. So in exchange for the reputation of the Chinese being opium addicts for the next century, the emperor of China saved whatever was left of his empire that Hong hadn't already massacred. At first the technologically superior western weaponry aiding the Qing was no match against the waves and waves of Taiping rebels that came cascading through their canon fire, however slowly the tide began to change following the failed offensive on Qing Shanghai in 1860. It was reported that Hong fought to the very last battle, before poisoning himself to avoid a death that at best would consist of a 10-pound iron ball blasting away his head, and at worst would be Death by a Thousand Cuts; his last words were reported to be, "I wish I tried passing the Chinese Civil Service Exam one more time before I went on this mission from god with my brother."

edit His influences on Chinese culture

In certain Marxist interpretations of Hong Xiuquan, he was actually a pre-modern proto-communist who used the language of religious struggle to rally the proletariat in a Marxist revolution against the bourgeoisie; most Chinese people just think he was insane though. Despite his ambiguous reputation in China, many people have proclaimed to be the the reincarnation of Hong Xiuquan. Amongst these are Sun Yat-sen, Mao Zedong Li Hongzhi.

Personal tools