Honey Badger

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Honey Badger
Honey badger faces off against an unsuspecting Lioness. Seconds after this photo, her head had been torn off and devoured.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Honey Badger.

The honey badger is a highly aggressive, super carnivorous mammal, found in large numbers in Africa and Asia. It is also the dominant species on the planet Earth.

A growing number of scholars believe a single ancestor of the honey badger may well have been responsible for the dinosaurs' demise in one breakfast service.

edit Predators

The honey badger has no natural predators. This is mainly due to it being an indisputably ROCK HARD MOFO.

It is considered to be the most powerful creature on the planet by four out of five alien races who have visited Earth, and in 1947, after the Roswell fiasco nearly caused a civil war throughout the entire universe, a honey badger (High Commander Of Honey, Cuthbert Von Hefflinhelm) was chosen to represent Sol in the Milky Way Senate. His hawkish policy of ripping off the face of anyone who votes against his bills (which regularly contain provisions for finding more and more fearsomely delicious beasts for honey badgers to sample) enabled Sol to flourish for most of the 20th century. Incidentally, human beings, the third most powerful race on Earth and second most powerful land creature, are not even aware of the senate's existence in 2013.

edit Prey

The honey badger's diet consists mainly of whatever the hell is there to be eaten. This includes poisonous snakes, swarms of angry bees, lions, ninjas, super-heroes, hydrogen bomb parts, God and, astonishingly, Chuck Norris.[1]

Nothing can survive a fight with a honey badger,[2] making their civil wars particularly costly.

edit Relationship With Dolphins

Honey badgers rarely interact with dolphins.[3]

edit Relationship With Humans

Honey badgers consider babies to be a delicacy. However, they prefer living where there is an abundance of deadly snakes and fearsome big-cats to toy with and then devour. If you don't go looking for trouble, you'll be OK, if you do, remember that nothing can survive a fight with a honey badger.[4]

It has been rumored that a mini-gun with 10,000 silver bullets may be able to slow down a honey badger so you can run away. This theory is still unproven scientifically.

edit Not A Real Badger


Did you just call me a FUCKING WEASLE?

Honey badgers are not real badgers. They are technically mustelids and look more like weasles, though it's not like you would ever dare say that to its face!

edit Footnotes

  1. Technically, Chuck Norris has a slim chance of beating a honey badger. He is Chuck Norris, remember.
  2. Except, possibly, Chuck Norris.
  3. Dolphins live in the sea.
  4. OK, what the fuck would happen between Chuck Norris and a honey badger? They're both made for fighting, natural born badasses, powerful, mighty, noble, seemingly invincible. What would that fight look like? Just how can two indestructible opponents destroy each other? And, most importantly, how much will HBO charge for the Pay-Per-View?
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