Homework
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“This doesn't deserve a quote from me.”
~ Oscar Wilde on not quoting on homework. Why? BECAUSE IT SUCKS!! D:<
“Why are you reading Uncyclopedia? Either do your homework or die.”
~ Teacher on Homework
“I'm not dead yet :D”
~ Student on not doing his homework and not dying
“I am sick and tired of this mother f**king homework from that mother f**king school”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Homework
“Homework is illegal for use as torture in at least 10 countries, but not the US”
~ A person forced to go to school on Homework
“One word - SH*T.”
~ Captain Understatement on Homework
“It's schoolwork you do at home!”
~ Captain Obvious on Homework
“Homework is beneficial to a child's learning. It helps them remember the thing that we teach them. Most homework should only take about 30 minutes, with the possible exception of projects, which are purposely designed to be longer and more challenging than most normal homeworks. Right, now that we've established that, you can do your homework knowing that it's contributing to your education.”
~ Delirious Teacher on Homework
“wh4t'5 r0ng w17 t3h h0m3w0rkz? 1t'5 c001 XP”
~ You on t3h h0m3w0rkz
Homework is when your teacher gives you a paper because he is too busy sleeping or whatever so he can pretend to be teaching you while you are at home instead of him doing it at school.
Homework originated as a form of torture during the Middle Ages. Specific details on homework are sparse, because those who engage in homework are much too busy doing it to explain it. However, some facts on homework can be pieced together from speculation and terrifying eyewitness accounts.
Homework is also used by the school to get a sample of your hand writing and finger-prints.
The word homework is derived from the Greek words hom and workos which literally translate as "death by torture". It is given to us so that it can one day rule the world by slowly filling our brains with wrong information and using up so much of our time that it is quite literally impossible for us to do anything of importance at all, or to learn anything of actual value. It is also given to punish students for the low wages of the teachers and to make sure we are so busy working that we have no time to actually allow us to learn the material. This will ensure we end up with jobs that pay even lower than their own.
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[edit] Stages of torture
[edit] The pack of bricks
It is clear that homework involves forcing the victim to carry around a massive number of bricks of paper which contain printed text and hard covers. These bricks are held in a pack which is placed on the victim's back and is known to cause strange posture and hunchbackedness. The pack must be carried to various locations on the grounds of the torture center, known as classrooms, where additional bricks are added. Sometimes the victim is able to place the bricks in a storage container known as a locker, but this is if the victim is lucky enough to have this container. Unfortunately, this storage container can, in itself, often provide a source of torture for the victims as, unless it is kicked, screamed at, or caressed in the proper manner, it will often remain stuck closed, provide a place for them to be shoved in by the local bully, causing the victim to be late to their next torture session and forcing them to face more torture as punishment and is given to kids by teachers for fun to make us as miserable as their shit lives and lose our social lives.
[edit] Reading the bricks
After obtaining the required number of bricks, the victim must carry them home and read the text printed inside. The length of the text is directly proportional to how boring it is. All of text found in the bricks is written by a team of top military scientists specializing in alternative torture, and is specifically designed to induce sleep. In order to avoid a harsher punishment in the future, the victim must maintain consciousness throughout the entire ordeal.
[edit] Scrawling words
After reading the bricks, the victim is forced to scrawl words onto paper until his or her wrist is no longer capable of movement (a derivative of notetaking). At this point, the punishment is considered finished for at least five minutes, or until the wrist is sufficiently recovered to only hurt a great deal but still function. The amount of scrawling the victim must perform is generally inverse to the difficulty of determining what to write, but some particularly cruel torturers have been known to assign work which is both voluminous and overly complicated.
[edit] Other stages
Other stages may exist, determining on the particular methods of the torturer. These may include cutting out construction paper, creating collages, or using Microsoft Powerpoint. Often, the other stages force the victims to evaluate their own work and correct any errors, this torture can cause normal kids to become EMOs and, if the errors are not corrected the torture will force the victim to repeat the entire torture process.
[edit] Avoiding homework
It is said that this form of torture may be avoided by feeding the bricks to a pet, most often a dog. It is suggested that evidence of said consumption be provided to the torturer to prove that such an event in fact occurred. However, many torturers are aware of such tactics and may assign an even harsher punishment as a result.
[edit] Labs
In this so called "class" you must face occult rituals known as labs. These rituals usually involve the sacrificing of "students." Labs usually involve calling upon demonic forces and possessions, as well as the inherent risks created by burning acids and toxic fume inhalation. When bored make sure you smash the shit out of anything made of glass within 15 meters and then tell the science teacher that they are f**ked up wigga's from Mars then stab them to death. Often times the teachers are witches or warlocks set on destroying the universe through children and frogs.
[edit] History Homework
History homework is a specific type of homework that tends to be larger, more arduous, and rather than causing hunchbackedness, people simply drop them, often crushing toes and creating bottomless pits. This results in performance of the satanic ritual of "coming up with an excuse for not scrawling down some notes in front of your history teacher." This normally results in the raping, and subsequent eating, of the person who has dropped the homework. It is also the cause for the creation of 99% of nerds.
[edit] Maths Homework
Maths, a very painful subject at school, is often given to some of the more retarded and idiotic children for extra punishment. Some mentally challenged children whom many call 'geeks' will often ask for extra Maths homework, thus a whole pack of normal students suffer for a fortnight. Overdoing Math homework usually results in suicide or penis removal. Some prisoners are fed Maths homework as a form of punishment for not doing their homework which was in fact about Maths, so the Maths homework cycle is one which goes round and round... and round.
[edit] Spelling Homework
Spelling homework is usually given out to the most dyslexic children known in the school, spelling homework is the most easiest but if the child can't read, then its a long, long story.
[edit] Schoolwork
Homework has evolved from schoolwork, although some fundamentalist fanatical Christians believe that homework was simply created through the magical powers of teachers. Schoolwork is a brick that is handed to a student during school, and words are supposed to be scrawled down during school, but due to unfair detentions, Teletubbies, gas chambers, King n00bert, and Russian goldfish, this schoolwork is often sent home with the student, hence the theory of evolution. By this stage, the schoolwork is fully fledged homework. Eyewitnesses claim that this schoolwork adds to the pile of homework the student is already carrying home, and that this often leads to the contraction of Super AIDS, or listening to emo music. Both of these things usually cause death, hence, why there are cemeteries in most schools.
[edit] Projects
Considered the 'Boss Level' of all homeworks, this normally takes weeks to complete. It may be set just before a holiday (see above), which it usually is. This takes away the relaxing and enjoyable parts out of the holiday, leaving only pure stress for the student. Not completing the project usually results in humiliation in front of your fellow classmates, as well as an 'F' grade from the teacher. FAIL!!
[edit] Breaks
Occasionally, the torturers temporarily regain sanity and let the students go home to their grieving parents for at least a week. These occasions are known as breaks, or holidays. However, the torture-break ratio is extremely unfair, as students usually get 1 or 2 weeks of break after 6 weeks of torture, maybe more. Also, some torturers never regain sanity, and set students homework over the break, thus rendering the concept of breaks fucking redundant, useless and annoying.
[edit] Videogame
The developer of Destroy All Humans! found that most kids hate homework. Deciding to get some pocket change for candy, he organized a team and is currently making Destroy All Homeworks! and then soon to be followed Destroy All Teachers!. They will be released next year. Huzzah!
