“My Home-Haggis-Maker and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.”
Let Me Tell You A Little About My New Invention
|Ron:||This is the latest and greatest way to make nutritious, great-tasting food at home. As everyone knows, homemade food is always better for you, even if you deep fry it in lard.|
|Nancy:||But what is it, Ron?|
|Ron:||Well, it's simply the only kitchen appliance you'll ever need! It grinds, it fills, it cooks! Just a couple simple steps and you have the most delicious and nutritious homemade food, and at a fraction of the price at the market!|
But what is it, Ron?
|Ron:||Only the most pleasant and efficient method for making the food your whole family wants! Filled with delicious goodness; you know what goes into it is the best, and you want only the best for your family. No more wondering whether they cut corners or used inferior ingredients. Never again worry about food-borne diseases! Your family will be happy, healthy, and love to eat homemade food again!|
|Nancy:||(with Audience Shouting)
But what is it, Ron?!
|Ron:||It's my latest invention, The Home Haggis Maker, which will revolutionize the way people make haggis at home. It does everything: it grinds and combines the offal, onions, oatmeal, suet, spices, stock, and salt, then fills the stomach. It's the easiest, most delicious, nutritious, and economical way to make a haggis at home!|
Let Me Show You How It Works
|Nancy:||So, how does it work, Ron?|
|Ron:||Let me show you how it works. It's so fast and easy that I can explain it as fast as I use it!
Susan, bring in Dolly!
[Entering stage right: Ron's lovely assistant, Susan, brings Dolly, a very cooperative, clean, white sheep]
Thank you, Susan.
Would Anybody Like To Help
|Ron:||Would anybody like to help me make a haggis?
[Audience members raise hands as camera pans]
Over there, you look like a busy mother. Would you like to help me make a haggis?
[Stressed older lady from the audience comes down]
So, what is your name?
|Ron:||Hello Lorraine, have you ever made haggis before?|
|Lorraine:||Many times, but I always buy them from my butcher. I never imagined you could make one at home!|
|Ron:||Are you ready, Lorraine?|
|Ron:||To make a haggis just grab Dolly like so, throw her to the ground, then take the included knife, a 29.99 value, from its convenient holder on The Home Haggis Maker, grasp Dolly's front legs, and slit her throat with a firm and strong slicing motion, like so, cleanly through her jugular.
[Ron pantomimes the process]
Now you try.
[Lorraine throws Dolly to the ground, pulls out the knife, and slits Dolly's throat quickly and easily]
|Lorraine:||That was easy!|
|Ron:||Of course! The Home Haggis Maker is the simplest way to make haggis! Everything you need is included and within easy reach.|
|Nancy:||Wow, that's amazing, Ron!|
|Ron:||Watch how fast Dolly's heart pumps her blood out of the slit in her neck. You'll notice we're collecting the blood to use in another one of my inventions - The Home Black Pudding Maker, which I'll tell you about on our next program. The benefit of this is less blood inside Dolly when removing what we need for our haggis.|
|Nancy:||Wow Ron, there's a lot of blood!|
|Ron:||Every bit makes more delicious fresh black pudding! Now, you'll notice that Dolly's heart has stopped since it's not spurting anymore. Now, Lorraine, take the included skewer and stick it through both of Dolly's rear legs between her Tibia and Fibula. Simply clip the skewer into the hanger on the Home Haggis Maker so the remaining blood will drain from Dolly as we remove the ingredients for our fresh haggis.|
|Nancy:||It's so easy, Ron! Even I could do it!|
|Ron:||Of course, Nancy! With the Home Haggis Maker, anyone can make fresh haggis at home fast! It's simply the best kitchen appliance ever invented!
Now, just slice Dolly's belly and ribcage open lengthwise, being careful not to slice open any of her internal organs just yet, since we'll need those soon.
[Lorraine quickly, if slightly klutzily, performs what Ron instructs]
Just pull out Dolly's internal organs and gently draw the intestines out hand over hand, being sure not to break them. Cut the intestines off near the rectum like so and the esophagus from the the throat.
[Lorraine follows directions and places pile of Dolly's innards on the table]
Cut off and set Dolly's intestines aside for later. Cut her stomach from her esophagus and allow Dolly's stomach acid to drain. Now you simply attach Dolly's stomach to the Home Haggis Maker here and place the esophagus in the hopper here.
[Lorraine follows instructions as Ron speaks]
|Ron:||It's easy, just cut out Dolly's lungs, heart, and liver, then toss them in the hopper along with the suet from around the liver and kidneys.
On the table here we have all the freshest ingredients:
Simply cut the top and bottom off the onion and toss all of these into the hopper along with Dolly's innards.
Now, just wipe the knife clean.
[Ron displays knife to audience, who "oooh and ahhh", then he returns it to the Home Haggis Maker]
Then I just return the knife to its convenient holder. No muss, no fuss. See how clean and easy this is?
[Audience: oooh; ahhhs]
Here's the Amazing Part!
|Ron:||Here's the amazing part! Now you just push a single button and the haggis grows before your eyes!
[Lorraine pushes button.]
[Home Haggis Maker comes alive, rinsing out the stomach, tying off the end, grinding, and filling the stomach with ground up Dolly]
Isn't our fresh homemade haggis lovely?
[Home Haggis Maker ties off other end of the haggis and drops it into boiling water]
Has Anyone In The Audience
|Ron:||Has anyone in the audience ever made a haggis from scratch?
[Camera pans over the audience: a very short and stout middle-aged lady sitting between two beefy men in kilts stands up. Camera cuts to her]
|Mother:||(Mother Audience Member, with thick Scottish accent)
I have Ron! It's a mess and a lot of work!
|Ron:||You're a busy mother, aren't you?|
|Mother:||Aye, and me boys love haggis!
[Two beefy men in kilts stand up next to their mother]
After a long day out tossing the caber, they work up a real highland appetite!
Before I bought my Home Haggis Maker, it would take me hours to make a fresh haggis for my boys. They deserve a nice hot haggis after all that log flipping, but it was so much work!
|Ron:||It's also cheaper than buying one at the market, isn't it.|
|Mother:||Aye, it is, Ron. Do you know how much a haggis goes for at the local butcher? It's highway robbery, I tell you! The Home Haggis Maker has paid for itself, Ron in both time and money saved making haggis.|
|Ron:||Thank you ma'am, I'm glad you like my invention.|
|Mother:||You're welcome, Ron.|
The Haggis is Done!
|[Home Haggis Maker removes haggis from water and drops it out a chute. Gentle dinging noise: the haggis is ready]|
|Ron:||And the haggis is done! Quickly and easily!
Isn't this the most lovely haggis you've ever seen?
|Nancy:||The most wonderful haggis I've ever seen!|
|Ron:||[Ron takes the haggis with some tongs and places it on counter]|
Who wants to try
|Ron:||So, who wants to try the freshest haggis you've ever tasted?
[Camera pans across the audience all with hands raised]
Come on down! Plenty for everyone!
[Ron begins cutting the haggis up and placing slices on plates. Nancy and Lorraine pass out plates] [Cut to Ron with Nancy and Lorraine among people overly happy eating their haggis]
So, what do you think?
|Nancy:||(trying to swallow quickly)
It's delicious, Ron! The best haggis I've ever tasted!
|Lorraine:||(barely containing her happiness)
I agree, Ron, and it's so much faster and easier than going to the butcher!
|So, we know the Home Haggis Maker will save you time and money, but what do you think it's worth?|
|Audience1:||I'd pay 400!|
|Audience2:||I'd pay 600!|
|Ron:||You're both wrong!
What if I told you that you could have your very own Home Haggis Maker, delivered right to your door, including the utensils, skewer, knife, handy cookbook, and everything you see here, for 6 easy payments of 299.99?
|Audience3:||Wow, Ron, that's amazing!|
|Ron:||You know what, for my loyal customers I'll even make you a deal. Not even 6 easy payments of 299.99, but 6 easy payments of 385.92!|
|Audience2:||How could you sell it so cheap Ron? That's unbelievable!|
|Ron:||In fact, if you call in the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in an extra set of knives that never need to be sharpened, and all this for the amazingly low, never before seen price of 6 easy payments of 525.81!
You can order by calling the number on your screen, we have operators standing by.
Isn't this unbelieveable, folks?!
[Audience gasps in excitement. People begin buying Home Haggis Maker on camera]
Here's How To Order
|Ron:||But wait! There's more! Call in the next 10 minutes and I'll also throw in the Nothing Box absolutely free! It's got nine lights, and they blink!|
|Nancy:||Wow! I have one of those at home, and I paid $40 for it! And you're giving them away free?|
|Ron:||That's right, Nancy, absolutely free. But you have to call in the next 10 minutes! Remember, you get the Home Haggis Maker, the haggis recipe guide, all the utensils you see here, the Never-Dull Knives, and the Nothing Box for only 7 easy payments of 525.81!|
|Announcer:||Hold it Ron! Now you can own the Home Haggis Maker for only 7 easy payments of 592.55! To order your very own Home Haggis Maker, call 867-5309. That's 867-5309. Call in the next 10 minutes to get the Nothing Box and the Never-Dull Knives absolutely free. Have your credit card ready. Sorry, no CODs. Must be 18 or older. Operators are standing by. Call now!|
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.