Secular German Confederacy

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“I think you'll find they pinched our intellectual property long before you boys showed up.”

~ Byzantine Empire on Holy Roman Empire
Weltliches Deutschland Confederacy
Secular Germany Confederacy of the Roman Empire
Holy Roman Empire
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Der Senat und die Leute der verschiedenen deutscher Staaten
Anthem: "Wer auch immer ist Kaiser im Augenblick, wir preisen ihn!" (Whoever is Emperor right now we Praise Him!)
Capital Thurso
Largest city Hamburg, Berlin
Official languages German
Government Confederacy of various governments
National Hero(es) Charlemagne, Jesus,
Declaration
of Formation 		 800 AD
Currency Reich-solidus
Religion Catholicism, Protestantism
 Population Variable
 Area Variable
 National animal Bratwurst

The Secular German Confederacy, also known as the Holy Roman Empire was created by God Himself in the year 800AD when God Himself, through his representative on Earth the Pope had a Frankish King called Charlemagne crowned Emperor. God had decided to do this because there was a spare crown lying around Rome that wasn't doing anything (God hates untidiness) and the Empire in the East was being governed by a woman and God knows that women are rubbish. If you have a problem with any of this then you have a problem with God.

Contents

[edit] German

After Charlemagne died the Empire was split between his three sons, Charlemagne II , Charlemagne III and 'Luscious Lorriane' , a transvestite brother who sang at seedy cabarets frequented by Anglo-Saxon tourists in Strasbourg. Like all brothers they immediately started fighting with each other and permanently divided their territory with the western part becoming France and eastern bit Germany and what was called the Transgender Monarchy in the middle (later to evolve into Switzerland).

It was the German lands that inherited the Holy Roman Empire trappings , including the carpets, curtains and broken backed sofa bed. However, due to the Germans not yet having learned the virtues of the power of a unified will they insisted on being split into various Baronies, Kingdoms, Fiefdoms , Duchies, Free Cities and independent bishoprics with the "Emperor" having theoretical power over this confederacy although really he was only ever called upon to approve a new heraldic design, witness the surrender of a defeated foe or mediate on the trials of goat rustlers.

[edit] Some of those Holy Romans in Detail

Once all of Charlemagne's sons had died out/killed each other , Otto the Great became a Holy Roman Emperor in 962 AD. He was a bit of a bastard and had skewered the Magyars at Lechfeld in 955. He made himself a bit of nusiance and headed off to Rome to get the Imperial crown from Pope John XIV , a serial sex fiend who got the papacy because his dad Alberic wanted junior to do something constructive in a summer holidays. Otto was followed by his sons - all called Otto until his family died out when someone spoilt the family tradition and tried to enthrone as emperor Quentin Tarantino.

We should also pause here and consider the career of Emperor Henry IV who unwisely tried to control the church by appointing his mates as religious leaders. Pope Gregory VII said this was all illegal and told everyone in Germany that God had shunned them and their immortal souls were heading to hell. This so scared Henry IV , that he invaded Italy and deposed Gregory to set up Antidotus as the Pope. This lead to schism which isn't nice..and even harder to say or spell correctly. So Henry agreed to meet Gregory and told him he had been a naughty emperor. They kissed and made up and celebrated by spending all night together at the Canossa Spearmint Rhino lap dance club .

[edit] They were well known for...

  • In 1521, held a general assembly, presided by Emperor Charles V, regarding the Diet of Worms in which several issues are resolved including the addessing of issuing a restraining order and ASBO against Martin Luther and the effects on the Protestant Reformation.
  • In 1701, the Secular German Confederacy experienced an attack by cylon forces.
  • According to the Reptilian Agenda, the reptilian bloodline is connected to the Merovingians, the family of Charlemagne, an early ruler of the Empire, to the Hapsburg royal family of the 16th century.
  • Emperor Evil who briefly reigned as Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire after deposing of his cousin Emperor Elvis, who in the height of Elvis' rule, conspired with 12 of a committee to overthrow him.
  • Supporting Bumblesnap Chess to be allowed as an Olympic sport.
  • Using culture to design magnificent head dresses and to create ancient cave paintings and drums.
  • The development of the modern free-market economic theory by Liet Kynes, Imperial Planetologist of the Holy Roman Empire.

[edit] Emperors of the Holy Roman Empire

  1. Charlemagne, Emperor of the West (800-814)
  2. Louis the Pissed (814-840)
  3. Loathedalot (840-855)
  4. Louis II The Italian Stallion (855-875)
  5. Charles ' Baldilocks' (875-877)
  6. Charles the Fat (877-888)
  7. Arnulf the Dull (888-?)

No one applies for the job for a few years. There then follows a number of claimants to the imperial throne like Henry the Dirty Fouler , Louis The Boy Racer , Louis the Prat and Louisiana . A couple of Italians called Berengar have a go but then in 962 , Otto of Germany comes to Rome and repaints the city with blood and proclaims the restoration of the Holy Roman Empire.

  1. Otto the Great (962-974)
  2. Otto the Cheat (974-984)
  3. Otto the Spitter (984-1002)
  4. Henry the Sanctimonious (1002-1024)

Change of dynasty and change of underpants.

  1. Conrad Hilton (1024-1039)
  2. Paris Hilton (1039)
  3. Henry the Blackguard (1039-1056)
  4. Henry the Groveller (1056-1106)
  5. Henry the Charmless (1106-1125)
  6. Loathsome II 1125-1136.

Now we come to the Hohenstaufens. They were also good at 'stuffin' their rivals but got undone by a succession of vindictive popes.

  1. Conrad III (1136-1152)
  2. Frederick 'Panzers At Dawn' Barbarossa (1152-1190)
  3. Henry VII (1190-1198)
  4. Otto the Perve (1198-1212)
  5. Frederick the Wonder Monarch (1212-1250)
  6. Conrad IV 1250-1254

Followed by a long lunch during which the last of the Hohenstaufens , a twerp called Conradin has his head chopped off in Naples after refusing to drink the water. A brother of the King [[England] called Richard of Cornwall and a Spaniard known as Alfonso the Wise posted their applications in for the of Holy Roman Emperorwotsit but everything got held up the famous Aachen postal strike of 1254-1272.

Eventually with the electorate reduced to just seven princes , they chose an Austrian called Adolf Rudolf Reindeer. He changed his name to Rudolf Habsburg:-

  1. Rudolf I (1274-1291)
  2. Adolf Not Hitler (1291-1298)
  3. Albrect I (1298-1308)
  4. Henry VII of Bohemia (1308-1314)
  5. Louis the Bavarian Rastafarian (1314-1347)
  6. Charles IV 'Golden Bulls' . (1347-1378)
  7. Wenzel the Drunk (1378-1400).
  8. Rupert Von Bear (1400-1410)
  9. Sigismund 'Pope Basher' (1410-1437)

Thanks to some adroit vote rigging , the Habsburgs kept the Holy Roman Empire job for three hundred years on the trot.

  1. Albrecht II (1438-1439)
  2. Frederick III (1439-1493)
  3. Mad Maximilian I (1493-1519)
  4. Charles V (1519-1558)
  5. Ferdinand the Freak I (1558-1564)
  6. Mad Maximilian II:Beyond the Thunderbirds. (1564-1576)
  7. Rudolf II Starman (1576-1612)
  8. Matthias 'Matty'(1612-1619)
  9. Ferdinand the Fanatic (1619-1637)
  10. Ferdinand the Loser (1637-1657)
  11. Leopold I The Dim. (1657-1705)
  12. Joseph I (1705-1711)
  13. Charles VI (1711-1740)

Charles spent most of his time trying to get everyone to sign documents that he wasn't a stupid. When he died - every other European leader shredded their guarantees and invaded Austria. As there were no more male Habsbugs left - the electors chose the following:-

  1. Charles VII of Bavaria (1742-1745)
  2. Francis I of Lorriane (1742-1765)

The Habsburgs reclaimed the job with a new dynastic name - Habsburg-Lorriane in an attempt at rebranding.

  1. Joseph II (1765-1790). Had Mozart banned , banished and booted out of Vienna.
  2. Leopold II (1790-1792)
  3. Francis II (1792-1806).

Francis resigns when he finds Napoleon is now getting all the best seats in his favourite restaurant.

[edit] Other Claimants

[edit] The Decline and Fall of the Secular German Confederacy.

From the 16th century onwards the Empire Confederacy became increasingly irrelevant to its member states and with the Confederacy becoming less interesting to the Emperors themselves, the imperial office now being passed around in a sort of Europe-wide variation of musical chairs. Several states in the Eastern Marches even converted to Islam for a few years in the 17th century just to see if the Emperor would notice. Most of the Emperors spent their time trying to marry as many difference princesses as possible or trying to have statues of themselves erected in Peru and other crazy places. At least two of the Emperors actually forgot they were Emperors for some of the time.

Somehow the Confederacy persisted into the 19th century until Napoleon came along and forced the last Emperor to abdicate in 1806. It took another five years for the various states of the Confederation to actually notice that the Emperor wasn't there any more when they tried to get him to sign a declaration recognising the magnificence of the King of Prussia's new trousers.

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