From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Holy Land is a theme park located in Israel. While it is best known for its rides and attractions, its tax-exempt status has contributed to many wars in the region. Proponents mention that the park brings millions in tourist money, while opponents complain that the park should pay "just like everyone else".
The park first opened to the public with a few attractions and shows in an attempt to boost tourism in the area. Negative publicity resulting from wars, crusades, and terrorism contributed to a decline and the economy was in poor shape. Upon opening, attendance was lower than projected and the park almost fell into bankruptcy. The owners took out a loan and added the Moses River Adventure, causing attendance to skyrocket. Over the years, it has since expanded to include a dazzling array of high-tech thrill rides, amazing shows, and more.
edit The Park
Park ticket prices vary, and are usually dependent on the visitor's income. Beggars and the poor can get in for free, while the rich must contribute a substantial portion of their annual income. The same pricing structure also applies to food, souvenirs, and parking.
The park itself is divided up into several themed areas. They include
The park also includes an on-site hotel, the Monastery Vacation Resort, complete with the Baptism Pool and Spa. The park can be crowded at times, especially during Pilgrimage Season.
The park has several "sins" that are to be avoided by visitors. They include line jumping, smoking outside designated areas, vandalism, and littering. Violators are made to ride the "it's a heavenly world" boat ride for several hours non-stop unless they have been forgiven by Jesus himself.
The park has numerous attractions scattered around the themed areas.
edit Thrill rides
The park's seven thrill rides make up the Seven Deadly Thrills offered by the park.
- Atheist Encounter - The park's flagship attraction. Guests find themselves face-to-face with a real sinner. Riders are advised to come early in the day, as the popularity and low capacity of the ride can result in long lines.
- Tower of Babel of Terror (free-fall ride) - Find out why one should NOT try and get to heaven without dying.
- Expedition Exodus - This indoor roller coaster ride is among the scariest in the park.
- Bibleman - The Escape (roller coaster) - Join Bibleman as he escapes from the Atheists!
- Mission: Grace (thrill ride) - This ride has earned a reputation for killing people due to its intense forces, but people flock to it any for a chance to go to heaven. The ride has been somewhat toned down due to the resulting lawsuits from the families of those who succeed.
- Holy Roller (roller coaster) - Experience bliss as you climb, drop, and get flipped upside-down.
- Popemobile Chase (thrill ride) - Speed around Vatican City in an attempt to meet the Pope!
edit Family rides
- Moses River Adventure (water ride) - Guests see the seas part before their eyes, making a safe passage across the river.
- "It's a Heavenly World" (dark ride) - What at first appears as an innocent boat ride, the hymns played during this ride can get on some riders' nerves. For safety reasons, riders are asked not to drink the holy water that the boats float in.
- The Apocalypse (4D movie)
edit Other attractions
- The David and Goliath Stunt Show - See how David overcame the monster in this action packed stunt show
- Crusade Shooting Gallery - The more you shoot, the more you win!
- Noah's Ark Petting Zoo - A great opportunity for the kids
- The Last Supper (restaurant)
- The Wailing Wall
- Character meet-and-greets, including such favorites as Jesus, Moses, Goliath, Noah and more! Miracles performed daily.
In addition to the world class theme park, Holy Land also includes the Great Flood Waterpark. Guests can survive the ten foot waves in the Dead Sea Wave Pool or take a leisurely ride along the River of Jordan lazy river.