Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 09:25, January 22, 2012 by Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article has too much listiness.
While it would be great for someone with ADD, most people would be just fine if you turned those lists into paragraphs. If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.

This translation of the Bible was written by God, the real One, not that one who sits in the street screaming at passersby about who stole his underwear. It takes into account the greatest findings from such reputable Neocon scholars as Rush Limbaugh, Ronald Reagan, Hot Mama, and 50 cent. It speaks to our generation in a manner which no other translation can, because it has pop-up features. It is also known as the Apocalypse Book.

The Ten Neocon Commandments

Part of a series of articles on
Holy Scripture
BibleWarningLabel

Judaism and Christianity
Torah
Bible
BIBLE!
New Cooler Edition
Rick James Version
Revised Liberal Edition
Revised Neocon Edition
Bible 2

Islam
Quran
Q'whatever
Duran Duran

Hinduism
Vedas

Buddhism
The Sutras

Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
Jesus-pastor

God
Jesus
Evil Jesus
Satan
The Apostles
Heaven and/or Hell
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
The Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship
Mortal Sin

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
The Pope
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
· Carver


I. "I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt surrender thine guns so that the all-Holy State can oppress thee."

II. "Thou shalt not support socialist programs, excludeth socialist programs for the benefit of corporate interests which are thy superiors.

III. "Thou shalt listen to Bill O'Reilly and keep him holy."

IV. "Honor thy father and thy mother, especially if they are former presidents as you will inherit the job from them later."

V. "Thou shalt kill Muslims. Let's face it, they art all probably terrorists anyway."

VI. "Thou shalt not utter the word torture. It is an abomination! Thou shalt refer to it as "harsh interrogation" or "just high spirits". Thou shalt remember that water boarding and being stripped naked in a human pyramid buildeth character, and is harmless fun."

VII. "Thou shalt not care about the environment. Believe me, I'm God and I invented it and I can tell thee that it's completely overrated and thou wilt not miss it when it's gone."

VIII. "Thou shalt not lead the nation into a war with false information unless thou art really sure Halliburton will profit from it."

IX. "Thou shalt not teach children to use condoms or let gay people marry. And while thou art at it, thou shalt teach intelligent design in schools. Show both sides of the controversy"

X. "Thou shalt covet thy neighbor's oil, and his wife while you're at it."

Seven Deadly Sins of Neocon Christianity

1. Communism.

2. Voting "Gun Grabbing" Liberal Democrat.

3. Not being a White Person

4. Rehabilitation instead of jail, a death sentence, burning at the stake while being stoned by the audience.

5. The letter after "K".

6. Islam and Secular Humanism

7. Anything relating to Michael Moore. And we mean ANYTHING!

8. Poverty.

9. Marijuana, the gateway (and therefore most dangerous) drug.

10. Questioning the fact that the "Seven Deadly Sins" go to 11

11. Having Clinton in your name.

Neocon Biblical Philosophy

God4
God wrote the Bible whilst learning computer networking in college.

Neocons generally have no Biblical Philosophy because they aren't brainwashed swine like Atheists who foolishing believe in Athe by denying she exists. Instead they follow the elightened philosophy of conservatism, except they hold others to rules but not themselves. This is a great system as it makes it impossible for them to commit any sin, but impossible for their enemies to avoid committing sin, thus proving itself and it's followers to be inherently moral. Example 1-Drug addict is put in rehab. Neocon says "It is not a disease, it is a crime committed by bad people with dark skin, possibly illegal immigrants! Hanging is too good for these juiced up junkies!"


Example 2-A popular right wing radio host is found to be filling out false perscriptions to feed his drug habit. Neocon says - "Well obviously the man is sick and needs treatment and understanding, not anger or punishment. How typical of heartless liberal facists to want to punish someone who needs understanding and support."

See? You get to be in the right everytime!

The unwritten Neocon Biblical Philosophy is as follows:

  • The Bible is the word of God and should be taken literally, but only the parts you like. If you can't find anything you like, you're misinterpreting.
  • Peaceful protests are riots in which protesters' weapons are hidden well. Police officers should use force and tasers or rubber bullets accordingly.
  • Minority groups who want their interests addressed in the government should reproduce faster. Current baby murder, sodomy, and child wife laws will be changed to help them achieve this.
  • Life is tough, life is hard, so make it tougher and harder for everyone else.
  • Refuse to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors, but hold others responsible for their actions and behavior. Loki gives you special permission to act like a hypocrite, but not others.
  • You have a right to your opinions and views, and a right to the freedom of speech. People who wish to share this right should adopt your opinions and views.
  • Instead of blaming the government for terrorism, you should blame the protesters for giving them the idea in the first place. After all protest is just another form of terrorism.
  • Alternatively, blame the government. Just not your government. That means blame a foreign government, like Iraq, or Iran or whatever government we tell you to blame.
Splode
Like this picture, Neocons' heads may asplode if their holy book is found to be actually written by Al Franken
  • Who needs facts and evidence, when the ones with the most News Networks and loudest voices, are the ones who get the public's attention. After all, the truth is boring, but Neocon lies are exciting and make news.
  • When backed into a corner during a debate, counter-attack by calling other people names like Crybaby, horseface, fat bastard, or nancy boy, but then accuse others of doing the same thing, but claim you never did such a thing.

God wrote the Bible whilest learning computer networking in college. The actual philosophy of the Holy Bible: Neocon Edition is therefore up for debates. One group of Neocon Christians say that there is no Neocon Bible philosophy, while the other group made up their own Neocon Bible Philosophy, yet unlike Atheists these Neocon Christians are brainwashed swine who believe in God by telling the world that he does exist. This section of the article has been rewritten a dozen times and blanked at least twice as much as a result of these two waring factions of Neocon Christians.

Neocon Origin of Life

In Genesis, God creates Adam from mud from the Earth, and makes Eve out of one of his rib bones. This was the first man and woman created. It was an Intelligent Design by God, and not some sort of Evolution. In fact, Genesis 11:30 states "Evolution isn't real, you'll all burn in Hell for believing this lie!" and that Neocons should go out and get Evolution removed from schools, especially in the Kansas state in the United States.

Also Genesis 12:36 states "It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Anna and Eve, marriage is between one man and one woman, anything else is a sin punished by being sent to Hell." Which seems to be the original of the Neocon view on Gay marriage and Homosexuals.

Differences From Orthodox Christianity

  • Orthodox Christians teach that necrophilia is fun, while NeoCon Christians say that the only true unsinful and truly erotic expirence is self-castration
  • Orthodox Christians claim that reason is useful to some degree, yet reject any conclusions that conflict with the Bible, despite its obvious flaws as a scientific text. NeoCon Christians allegedly like to talk about the Bible teaching that insects have four legs, though "insect" is a modern taxonomical classifcation with few precedents in the ancient world. NCCC's also like to say that Orthodox Christians believe the word of God states the need for socialism.[. This is based on hundreds of thousands of Orthodox Christians claiming exactly that. Nevertheless, some Orthodox Christians, who recognise that the Bible does not explicitly state that money in itself is actually evil, choose to ignore a large body of their more fundamentalist cousins.
  • Orthodox Christians use logic to reject parts that don't cater to their desires. Many NeoCon Christians do likewise. So, there is no actual difference. Never mind.
  • Orthodox Christians, ignoring the vast bulk of human history, teach that God will punish people just for fun as in the biblical smitings with disease, prolapsed colons, and defilement. They believe that infinite punishment for limited transgressions is an aspect of goodness, and that God really hates punishing people, but still does it to those who have the gall to think that such a policy is a load of bullshit.
  • NeoCon Christians believe that this type God is petty, violent, and less just than your parents. They also insist that Jesus made people castrate themselves in the Bible. Orthodox Christians believe that the latter is very clear on the point that some people were to become eunuchs out of their own free will, and can't fathom the concept of anyone disagreeing with them.
  • Orthodox Christians believe that Jeebus was God Incarnate, and said, "No one comes to the Father but by Me." They believe that implies that only one religion is True™. They are utterly unable to explain why they believe that similar quotes from the Qur'an, or other scriptures are not equally authoritative. (See the discussion on reason, above). They believe that those ignorant of the True™ religion, God will allow them to enter the upper atmosphere from "baptism of desire." If they reject it, an infinitely just and loving God (i.e., the one professed by Orthodox Christianity) will torture them forever for rejecting Truths™ that run contrary to all known physical laws.
  • NeoCon Christians adore Jesus only because there was a chance that he would torture someone for all eternity!!!
  • Orthodox Christians believe that only one version of these can be right, and obviously believe that the Bible supports the Orthodox Christian doctrine. NeoCon Christians therefore found that it was necessary to create a new Bible, more suited to our modern sensibilities regarding love and justice, and our desire to have a Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want. Whether it be petty theft or killing hundreds of thousands of people so you can make a few more million a year.
  • NeoCon Christians caused your baby SIDS.
  • Orthodox Christians believe that making fun of NeoCon Christians is totally in line with what Jesus would have done. According to Orthodox Christians, in a lost chapter of the Book of Mark, Jesus once came across a group of Greeks who were trying to start a new Roman olighacracy and said, "You guys really suck." Everyone knows that Jesus votes Democrat because he allowed George W. Bush to serve out two terms as US President despite Bush being very unpopular with the liberal Public so he could humiliate the Repbubic party and have a new Democratic congress elected.
  • The book of Revelation where Jesus comes back to Earth, and takes over the world by having a foreign policy of overthrowing governments he disagrees with and calls evil, and setting his own people up in positions of power that mimics George W. Bush's foreign policy.- NeoCon Christians believe that Bush will do this. Orthodox Christians believe that only christ has the moral authority to do this.
  • Orthodox Christians believe that Jesus will come back and rid the world of evil.

NeoCon Christians believe that it is George Dubya Bush's job to rid the world of evil. If not, then some other hand-picked neocon politician who got his/her political butt kicked by an unpopular liberal(See the 109th Congress) will come back and rid the world of evil.

Modern version of the Holy Bible: Neocon Edition

Fundiemag
Read this book to learn how to be a neocon and serve God.

Recent changes were made to the book, to make it easier on the eyes and easier to understand. The average modern Neocon has the IQ of Buffalo Semen, so the whole book had to be rewritten into a more modern, simpler, and revised format. It sums everything up to under 100 pages, and most of them are pictures of impish little protesters. It includes hints and tips as well as examples. It helps to explain how to be a modern neocon, and how to take advantage of technology and the media. It outlines the marketing plan that neocons need to follow when communicating with the unwashed masses of the public. It guides neocons in their quest for power, by learning how to grab attention by any means possible. It has forwards by Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Fred Phelps, George Dubya Bush, and many other famous neocons. It is written to help you, and others, learn to get in touch with their inner neocon in a more violent, tasteless and annoying (modern) format.

Use it against those heathens, and infidels out there who speak out against our holy book and way of life. Learn to unleash that neocon power that is inside of you, and shine your light into the world to expose the darkness. After all, it is only our opinions and views that matter, as we are the chosen people of the planet and we deserve to be in power. This new modern version of the book also comes in audio tapes and CDs, for those of us who cannot read, which version does especially well in regions of the country freqented by the alien abduction phenemenon. It has been a favorite of many prisons and hotels, replacing the Gideon's Bible and other books in the best seller list. Read it every day and learn the truth, preach and convert others over to our side. Live up to your potential by reading this book.

Stop hand This article is a Hilarious piece of liberal humor. It is so funny that it gives that it gives Bill Clinton heartburn. (See photo)
Bill Clinton
Contribute to this great page here and defend against annoying conservatives.

See Also

Personal tools
projects