Hollyoaks

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“I haven't seen something this dramatic since I killed my girlfriend.”

~ O.J. Simpson on Hollyoaks

“You can put lipstick on a pig, and that's all I have to say about that.”

~ Barack Obama on Hollyoaks

“6:30? Yeah, I'm free.”

~ Steve McClaren on Hollyoaks

Hollyoaks is a bullshit British reality tv based around ex models who think they can act.

Previously on Hollyoaks, you had to physically stunning to get a role but nowadays they let any minger on the show. Hollyoaks is set in the fictional town of Chester, Planet Earth, and consists of a whole village with 2-3 cars and crap mood scenes at the beginning of each episode with pseudo-indy music

Ali Taylor battling Macki

.

[edit] Notable past storylines

[edit] The rapist who ruined everyone's shit

After turning into a mad man after being pressured into drugging women and having his way with them, "Stone Cold" Sam Owen escaped was sent to prison. Eventually. It should be noted that this was not certain for a very long time, because Sam was a Good Rapist, as opposed to his mate Andy, who was a Evil Rapist. We know that Sam was a Good Rapist because he occasionally felt conflicted, and only raped strangers, not his friends. This passes for morality in Hollyoaks.

After he went to prison and thereby became all tough, which was made apparent by the growth of stubble, he kind of escaped, and then kidnapped his fat sister, and escaped some more. In order to prove his love to the twin sister of the girl he didn't rape, he blew up the local pub. This resulted in the deaths of the non-rape twin and the twin he loved, a random guy and a random girl. Sam died too, which leaves two possible conclusions. Either he wanted to die, in which case Sam wins, or the stupid bastard wanted to just kill everyone and survive but died anyway, in which case he still wins because nobody else in the village has the balls to blow up a pub.

[edit] "Shit, that's a dead body"

Bombhead's Mum died, and he was too busy watching Deal Or No Deal to do anything about it. One day, for some reason, his friend Lee was about to fornicate with a female, when they noticed the body. Bombhead was subsequently hanged. But not before turning gay.

[edit] Stop, Or My Mum Will Die

Jake was pissed off at Becca, so he got drunk and went for a drive in his van. The Valentines' Mum crossed the road and was introduced to Hollyoaks Top Gear style. Ever since, Calvin Valentine has dressed up in black clothing and mime make up, roaming the streets at night trying to find his Mum's killers. Someone should probably tell him it was Jake...

[edit] Fire, I'll take you to burn, Fire, to destroy all you've done

Andy Holt's fellow rapist Sam Owen came out of prison and went crazy and decided to blow up the pub to get revenge on Sophie Burton who grassed him up to the fuzz (That's what you get for raping people!) Sophie , her sis Mel, Joe (the guy who was mistaken for a gay), Olivia (who know one cared about) and Sam himself died in the fire. But still Sam wins because he's the only one in the village to have the balls to blow up the pub.

[edit] I like Becca, I would like to stick my wet big dick in her

Justin decided that even though his half brother died in battle, he would pursue his love interest, Becca Dean, who was originally Becca Hayton, but she married Jake "The Snake" Dean who went on to kill everybody in his van. I tell ya, these villagers get around. Anyway, Justin fancied Becca, but Becca was like "Hell no foo', I'm yo teacher, you my pupil, ya dig?". Unfortunately though, Becca got horny and banged Justin in his own home. A relationship followed, during which Justin won the 'Luckiest Boy in Chester' award and was congratulated by every male in the village apart from Jake who did some shit acting and cried a lot. After a tantrum where he wouldn't eat his egg soldiers, Becca dumped the now erstwhile Luckiest Boy in Chester champion. Justin, never one to take things lying down (he preferred sex against the wall due to his mis-shaped penis), locked Becca in a prison cell and got one of his contacts to cut her head off. After her death all the men in the village still thought Justin was a winner for banging his hot teacher but acted all pissed off at him because the women were being all whiny about Becca snuffing it. After a year (which is enough to completely redevelop a character's status of either 'Good' or 'Evil' beyond all recognition - see the previous entry regarding Sam Owen) it was revealed that Justin was the father of Becca's ill baby. The male staff of Chester Hospital immediately undertook the procedure of high-fiving Justin followed by intense patting on the back having previously believed him to be an urban myth.

[edit] Million Dollar Baby 2: The Slut

Amy, who was drunk and celebrating her birthday, had sexual relations with a ginger monster in a park. This resulted in fertilzation and Amy had a baby. She then gave it to her Mum, because that's how these crazy soaps roll. This baby didn't die like Mandy and Tony's baby, who'd have thunk it? Being a baby in Hollyoaks sucks, chances are you'll die of cot-death or be adopted and never seen again and you don't even get to suck on any delicious Hollyoaks boobies.

[edit] Warren vs. Clare in the battle between Good and Evil.

The 'Evil' Clare (who Justin once also tapped, the little sod seems to get all the luck with the older women!) got all pissed off with Justin for trying to kill her and abducted Katy, yet another hot girl who Justin was tapping, and kidnapped her. Warren (who was previously 'Evil' but now 'Good') got all growly and desperate, Justin panicked and Max showed up at Warren's flat and joined him in the battle between Good and Evil just for hell of it. A chase ensued, with them believing a dummy was Katy (although the actor playing Warren refused to do any scenes with the dummy as it constantly outshone his own acting ability) and pretending Justin was dead. Clare ran over Justin, a chase to some lake ensued, Warren shouted 'KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEH!!' really loudly as Clare ended up driving into the lake, as she was a typical woman driver she had rang her mate just for a bit of a girly chat and didn't look where she was going. Warren panicked some more and jumped in to save Katy. Max and Justin followed when Max mentioned that Katy and Clare would now both be wearing wet t-shirts. It looked like Clare drowned as Max couldn't be arsed to stick his arm out and grab her. Good had triumphed over Evil once more, although the battle was revealed not to have won the war as Clare was shown to be alive and well, plotting her evil deeds in an airport lounge.

[edit] Soap Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

A cheap soap opera rip-off of Star Wars, The Jedi (Coronation Street) and Sith (EastEnders) battle across our TV screens for more viewers and the Jedi create a Clone Army (Hollyoaks, But they're not really clones anyway!). And also Emmerdale charcaters are the Stormtroopers. And then was followed by crappy sequels and a rip-off of the original trilogy (the bastards!). They rip-off alot of things from the Star Wars universe such as The Queen Vic being the Death Star, Ian Beale is a Palpatine like character and Ken Barlow is an old Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[edit] McQueen Church Explosion

As you all know Niall goes crazy because his mum Myra "Mama Chav" McQueen dumped him on a church doorstep, so he kidnaps the McQueen's by keeping them hostage in a church which is about to be blown to smithereens by Niall and it is also revealed that Niall kidnapped the Angry Video Game Nerd and the Nostalgia Critic for some reason and tortures them by making them by playing shitty games and watching shitty movies. And it seems all hope is lost, but that is until Super Mecha Death Christ comes to help with a Peterbilt truck which turns out to be Optimus Prime and Super Mecha Death Christ kills Niall, and the McQueens, The Angry Video Game Nerd and the Nostalgia Critic are freed.

[edit] Notable characters

[edit] Present

Tony Hutchinson - The Ken Barlow of Hollyoaks. Yup. You know the lad's going to be there to the fucking end.
Cindy Cunningham - Unsuccessful gold digger.
Jack Osbourne - Indebted bar owner. Faked his own death because....err...it seemed like a good idea at the time?
Darren Osbourne - Used to be in a boy band, dresses like MC Hammer's pimp. Resident basket cast.
Holly Cunningham - Will get married to a Mr. Oaks and will be Mrs. Holly Oaks.
Tom Cunningham - Cursed to tragedy and family deaths. 99.99% chance of already being screwed up beyond repair by life.
Steph Dean - A poor man's Paris Hilton with a good heart. (If such a thing is possible)
Frankie Osbourne - Crazy MILF
Charlie Dean - Justin/Jake/Becca/Nancy/Frankie's kid. Also has leukemia. Unsure which to feel more sorry for him about.
Zak Barnes/Ramsey - Scouser who magically disappeared then returned with a different last name.
Hayley Ramsey - Zak's absent wheelchair-bound sister. She's been on it for weeks but Gaz (see below) stole the wheelchair. She now pulls herself along the floor trying to find the cameras.
Garry "Gaz" Bennett- local racist male chav....You just know his death is gonna be painful and largely unnoticed.
Nancy Hayton - Super-feminist turned oppressed housewife turned Mega-feminist. An evolving pokemon of feminism.
Dominic Reilly - Tony's brother, only more feminine.
Hannah Ashworth - Thought she was fat but she's not. Hasn't been relevant since.
Neville Ashworth - Kept in the dark. A bit of a racist.
Rhys Ashworth - Town pariah because he boned his sister. We haven't forgotten as we don't have memories like goldfish, which is more that can be said for the show's writers.
Josh Ashworth - Has cheekbones you could slice turkey off. Cries like a fucking baby at the drop of a hat.
Gilly Roach - Desperately wishes he was an Ashworth (he'd probably would have had more luck with Beth)
Sarah Barnes - Overdramatic mess in a mini-skirt. Cried when her boyfriend turned out gay, only to find out herself that she drinks from the furry cup.
Amy Barnes - Good at being pregnant; not that great at staying with the beu-bies afterwards.
Mike 'Barnsey' Barnes - Failed father and husband by every count. Boned a hot 20-year-old so fair play to him.
Leah Barnes - Plot device extraordinaire.
Ste Hay - Douchebag.
Lucas Hay - Mike was surprised he was a Hay, he should be glad he's not a Hesbian.
Mercedes McQueen - Slaggy Chav
Jacqui McQueen - Angry Chav
Carmel McQueen - Plastic Chav
Michaela McQueen - Bratt Chav
Theresa McQueen - Slutty Chav
Myra McQueen - Mama Chav
Nana McQueen - The Original McQueen responsible for Myra and her spawn of Chavs
Malachy Fisher - Has "the HIV" which has been known to develop into "the aids"
Calvin Valentine - Dildo headed Crime fighting big girl's blouse who could do with readig 'Acting for Dummies' even if he wouldn't understand it. Although, we suspect he has massive balls.
Sasha Valentine - From drugs to dating thugs; she likes to abuse her body. Followed Warren around like a dumb dog, moaning 'but I love him' every five minutes and oblivious to the fact he didn't give 2 shits about her.
Leo Valentine - Likes himself a skotch but to be fair who doesn't in Hollyoaks? Inkeeping with Black stereotypes, he gets women preggers and then fucks off.
Lauren Valentine - Emo that is steadily growing into a fully-developed sociopath, and from the look of her hair, sticks her fingers in sockets.
Zoe Carpenter - Shags mentally unstable men, gambling addicts, old men and occasionally her best mate/bf's daughter.
Kris Fisher - Irish bisexual tranny. Will hopefully die in the most slowest and painful way possible.
Elliot Bevan - Thought his dad was abducted by aliens, got hypothermia waiting for him to come back from space...... considered the smartest person in Hollyoaks.
Jamie 'Fletch' Fletcher - Recurring family member (without a family) that nobody cared about. Left town a greasy smackhead.
Newt - Emo kid who makes even drag queens go "step back, mate. No one needs this much mascara". Despite being a schizophrenic and an emo, he has nevertheless turned into a pussy magnet recently. Things have changed a lot since I was at school.
Eli - Newt's evil imaginary friend (No, really).
Ravi Roy - Makes up for a personality with muscles and bisexuality.
Leila Roy - An artist! AN ARTIST, DAMMIT! Why won't you acknowledge and love her art?!
Ash Roy - Crazy rapist eyes!
Anita Roy - Has issues!
Govinda "Gov" Roy - Neville Ashworth with a spicy twist.
Bel Roy - Works in Evissa. The end.
Archie Carpenter - Zoe's brother. Has apparently been standing two feet away to the left of the camera for three years until fully introduced as a man whore.
Spencer Fox - Warren Fox's mentally retarded step-brother. Adorably daft.
Loretta Jones - Stripper whose hobbies include bird watching and soft stares.
Lydia - Regulation muff diver.
Daniel - who cares?
Abi - Will soon begin to kidnap babies

[edit] Past

Louise Summers - Glamorous bitch. She was hot though. Plotted to kill her fiance, it backfired!
Tina McQueen - Library chav. Survived an explosion but died when she fell in a hole.
John Paul The Queen - Gay chav. He's gay and he's left. Thats about it. Oh he was a DJ...Yeah so there you go.
Kieron Hobbs - Gay ex-priest. Poisoned by his best mate while his boyfriend was simultaneously cheating on him. God doesn't take rejection too well it seems.
Nigel "Nige" Foster - Smack head drug dealer, slept with Sasha, pissed her brother Calvin off so he killed him....OR DID HE?! *ccue to dramatic music even though nobody cares*
Max "Cunning Plan" Cunningham - A character who spent most of his life trying to think up stupid plans to get rich quick, in the end he decided to get married and die on the same day. Only character universally mourned.
OB - Max: the sequel. Hobbies included trying to kill Clare Devine and hugging Max. A lot. Really a lot. Too much. Enough to seriously question both their sexualities.
Aleksander Malota - Albanian bloke, shagged half the McQueens Albania-style with his proud Albanian semen....ALBANIA!
Sonny Valentine- Angry Rude-boy, ran off to Auntie (Actually got fired haha).
Danny Valentine - Still exists... we think, ran off after leaving his emo kid sister a note (got fired like his bro, knobhead!)
Benny Valentine - Got fired just like his 2 brothers, never actually made it onto the show as he forgot to turn up on his first day
Becca Dean - Paedo who married Jake, humped Justin, got stabbed and snuffed it. Tis life.
Jake Dean - Controlling husband. Went crazy insane because of ...well we're not quite sure why but he's in the loony bin now where facial hair equals lack of sanity. Was a complete and utter weapon so no big loss by any means.
Will Hackett - Is handy with a webcam and throwing people off buildings.
Katy Fox - Also referred to as Kay-ehh. Got upset and left. (Really, that's how it happened)
Warren Fox "es Glacier Mints" - The local thug who always liked to talk in a whisper so no one heard his evil plans to murder everyone on the show leaving him the only one alive. Also liked to grind his teeth when talking to people so they could smell the foxes glacier minty freshness. He died after he saw his own reflection.
Joe Spencer - Died in a fire. From Manchester. So nobody cared! Apart from Zoe for a minute before she jumped into bed with a psychopath.
Olivia Johnson - Plank of wood. Also died in the fire.
Justin Burton - If there was something fishy going on in the village, he was likely to be behind it. Left after he was kidnapped by Russ Owen. Boned his hot teacher.
Mel Burton - Alcoholic, eventually died in a fire, too bad she drank so much, she burnt like a motherfucker!
Sophie Burton - Her twin sister, also died in aforementioned fire.
Sam Owen - Same fire, although he started it. Sexy bastard though and crazy psycho rapist like his friend Andy Holt.
Russ Owen - Became a fully qualified teacher in three weeks, then decided it wasn't for him and that he wanted to leave. Then he didn't. Then a fit bird turned up and asked him to go away with him, he wanted to leave again, but didn't. He then wanted to leave again but didn't and then finally with a little help from Caramel McQueen he nabbed his son and Justin and finally left.
Nicole Owen - Half teenage girl, half hamster. All cheeks.
The Owen Parents - Not really important. Likely to be found working at the cardboard box factory.
Noel Ashworth - Scored with Suzanne many moons ago and made Rhys. Half man, half leather jacket. Often likened to the Gallager Brothers.
Beth Clement - Killed in a car crash. karma isn't kind with incestuous pervs
Jess Harris - Heather Mills-McCartney with two legs
Summer Shaw - A STAGED singer! (really wasn't as interesting as they made it out to be)
Andy "Came To A Halt After He Was Impaled On A Pole" Holt - Crazy rapist guy. Last seen impaled on a conveniently placed pole.
Dannii Carbone - Dannii - Despite having a generally silly name, is generally a class act.
Cameron Clark - Joined Metallica and had his bollocks burned by Captain Ev!l
Ali Taylor - Killed in battle
Darlene Taylor - Nobody liked her, got her face slashed. Boffed Craig back in the days when he had dodgy longish hair and wasn't gay.
Justin's Mum - Moved away, can you blame the bitch?
Richard Taylor - Slept with other women. Owned a juice bar that EVERYONE went to.
Macki - Assassinated by Ali.
Wayne Tunniclife - Ugly fucker who Michaela McQueen went out with.
Lee Hunter - Ran away to Emmerdale and is masquerading as someone else.
Les Hunter - Owned a garage, looked like a nonce, spoke like a bastard.
Sally Hunter - Not important although she was nice - one of the better mums on the show. A little sour faced.
Lisa Hunter - Shacked up with Ben Davies. Had orgies. Developed STDs. Shared them. Sluts! Became a hidden character on Hollyoaks: In the city, unlockable through E4.
Dan Hunter - His car exploded. He died. Everybody was sad. Then they moved on.
Bombhead - Went to Ukraine with his long lost dad to join the circus. And you think this is a joke.
Ben Davies - Left, became another hidden character in Hollyoaks: In The City. Got shot in it, so that's what you get for leaving Hollyoaks!
Craig "I'm NOT Gay" Dean - Liked to wear vests when sleeping with John Paul. Likely to be found denying he's gay despite constantly bumming JP.
Spike - a podgy gay plot device designed to snarl at Craig a lot. Walked out of The Dog and never returned.
Clare "I'll Be Back" Devine - Rasputin without the charm. Strangled by half the village on separate occasions and survived. Pushed off a balcony and survived. Had a seizure and survived. Finally had a big fucking car crash into a lake and survived, before becoming trapped in a fire with no exits, yet she survived. Was once found in Eastenders, lying about her surname and having a short hair cut. You ain't fooling anyone, Clare!
Debbie Dean - Was going to marry Dan but couldn't marry a coffin. Fucked off on a boat. Yay!
Zara Morgan - Boz-eyed, snag-toothed, loud-mouthed ugly twat.
Izzy Davies - Posh totty.
Mandy Hutchinson - The Chester Bike. Was married to Tony, but left him when the baby died, speculation inidcates the child died of malnutriion as Mandy never fed the poor little shit. A little bit frosty and icy.
Grace Hutchinson - Died sadly, thanks to fraggle rock dyke Nancy.
Melissa Hurst - Tragically died of anorexia/bulimia; now fronting a hot new ad campaign for PRADA.
Rob Hawthorne - Posh, evil motherfucker who everyone hated, tried to bomb the entire village but ended up killing himself.
Burton Philips - (Who?!) Hidden character who can only be unlocked through E4 in Hollyoaks: In The City, not a very nice bloke. Their version of Warren.
Others - They all left after they either (a) - went insane and tried to kill someone, (b) - were killed in a fire started by the psycho, (c) - left after a lover died or (d) - were killed by Warren Fox.

[edit] Current happenings in the village

Max is dead. Kieron is dead. Jack is dead, but not really. Get it? Good. Kieron is dead because Niall killed him, and that's what you get for being gay AND religious at the same time. Max is dead because Niall hit him with a car, and that's what you get for being Tom Cunningham's brother. Jack died, but came back to life in a controversial living dead storyline that has reshaped soap operas. An insurance company is now paying Jack £300,000 so that he won't eat them all. Some people are getting married, some people are being emos, and some people are just complaining about things. But the general consensus is that Niall is bad ass and just wants to kill every fucking one. He has yet to show whether he has the balls to blow up a pub though, and until he does, Sam Owen will still be winning.

[edit] The Great Cast Explosion Of 2009

Things were getting rather normal and believable in the village, no gay rapist dog abducting plotlines and things were finally looking up for the clueless habitants. . . That was until Sonic's Dr. Robotnik showed up acting all pissy, complaining that things were beginning to get stale, this prompted the creation of several new characters to get things back on the crazy train. After a writers meeting consisting of Roy 'Chubby' Brown, Family Guy's Brian, Gordon The Gopher and the Tourettes Guy, 9 new characters appeared (6 Indian People, a man whore, a poor acting special boy and a tramp) It seems Hollyoaks still has that magic (shit) touch.

[edit] The McQueens

Possibly one of the most dysfunctional families of all time, they would constantly be on Jerermy Kyle if they were real, Myra the head of the family has had 7 kids (Probably more will come out like 798 by 799 dads - yeah shes a slag) by 4 dad's though she claims to be a devout Christian, one of the dad's died in prison when she had her first (Niall) at 14 and left him on the church step. Then her oldest Niall, a psychotic loser who shocks us all for actually being a straight male hair dresser, lived with a gay ex-priest and his gay secret half-brother. Then Jacqui, a walking stereotypical chav who can't have kids but has been in and out of prison through most of her life, now lives with Tony, a crappy chef. They also lived with her sister Tina and her sister's annoyingly nerdy hubby Dom (who is also Tony's brother), until Tina croaked it. Mercedes, the town bike, has slept with everyone within a 53 mile radius, exept Darren (but I guess she doesn't want to go near those string vests). Tina was supposedly the "smart" McQueen, so smart that she gets knocked up with Russ' kid while she's supposed to be pregnant with Tony's and married to Dom). Carmel's the ditzy blond who is irritating beyond belief and is a copper despite the fact that her family are a bunch of criminals. John Paul, the gay DJ dating Craig Dean who denies he's gay, used to date Kieron Hobbs (the ex priest! outed at his now sister-in-law's Steph's wedding!) And before that Spike a fellow gay DJ and before that Hannah who turned to madness after they split up when he fell for Craig. He now lives in Dublin with Craig. Then Michaela, the most ignored of the McQueens, is a chav who is in love with her best friend's (Amy Barnes) dad (Mike "Barnesy" "FILF" Barnes) but she is now going out with the scouse Zak Ramsey.

[edit] The Alcohol

Every confrontation, affair, fist fight, and randy bout of incest in Hollyoaks is caused, fueled and eventually resolved around a pint of alcohol. The average Hollyoaks citizen consumes an average of 8 glasses of wine or beer a day and the average student 12.

The only reason this severe communal dependency has yet to become an issue, is because the flow of alcohol never stops in Hollyoaks, keeping the alcoholics (aka everyone) happy and buzzed. Whether it's at the Dog, at the Gnosh, in the SU bar, at the Loft or even in the streets, Hollyoaks' village motto is: "Life's better when you rub some Hollyoa- Wha-What are ye looking at? Want to take this outside?!".

[edit] Hollyoaks Trivia

There are 5 alcohol-licensed establishments in Hollyoaks but no pharmacies.

As a general rule, men and women cannot stay just friends. As long as they have no desire to kill each other they must sleep together at least once if they have been acquainted for more than an hour.

The memory of any character is only capable of lasting a few months, therefore any characters who were in conflict will inevitably end up sleeping together, getting married or having an illegitimate baby together or some crazy-ass shit.

Drugs are very rare and when anyone in Hollyoaks takes them they immediately become addicted and turn evil. Any good characters who take drugs will have an immediate brush with death and hit rock bottom.

Channel 4 has once been taken to court by Chris Martin for using a Coldplay song, in every Hollyoaks episode ever.

Tony "I'll never ever leave, will you marry me?" Hutchinson is the only character remaining from the original cast.

There are about 5 fires a year at Hollyoaks.

The University is not a real University and there is only one flat for the students. We NEVER see any of the other flats.

There was once a regularly used swimming pool in the village but it has since vanished along with the writers long term memories

Writers keep adding characters who do not have an actual point or even a 2nd name!

People who die will die in ironik circumstances.

There shall always be more than 2 psycho's in Hollyoaks a year. (present ones are Warren, Ash, Newt, Abi, Ste and returnee Clare), past ones are...(look in list of past characters - all of them!).

Hollyoaks often put their camera's as close to the actor's face as possible. This makes all the village look like they have massive heads.