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Dead-end job? Bills to pay? No access to alcohol? Thinking of taking a holiday? Look no further!
Here at Dodge E. Holidays, we've got all the information you need to make that dream holiday of yours come true. Just one look at our brochures, and we can guarantee you'll find a deal that suits you. Whether it be a trip to the sun-kissed sands of Menorca, or a sunny adventure to the beaches of Menorca, we've got holidays to suit everyone's tastes and moods. And hey, if you don't like it, pop some Es. They always cheer us up. Or, if you are English, go to Engrand, the spin-off of England, yes, that's right, it's a spin-off, a FREE holiday destination in the Med just for English people.
Booking your journey:
Congratulations on your decision to holiday with us! You've just made the best decision of your lifetime. The first thing you'll want to do is settle your sudden crippling debt by paying us immediately +.
Other companies charge at cost per head, but we like to think that our way is more appropriate. Heads are useless. We take your head and you won't be able to keep up payments. Therefore, our rates start at just an arm and a leg, or two arms or two legs, or one arm and parts of an arm and a foot, double rates during peak season. (What's that, don't you have 4 arms and 4 legs? Come back w/ a prostitute.)
Rates are per night, per pedophile.
We offer a range of properties located right in the heart of the local council's colourful "revitalisation plan" area, just a stone's throw from the beach ++. You'll never feel alone as the cacophony of jackhammers and drills keeps you feeling safe and secure right through the night. If the weather's hot, and the balcony door isn't jammed shut, you might want to take lunch out on the balcony. That's if it hasn't collapsed. After 5 minutes, you'll wonder how you ever did without the smell of rotting seagulls and asphalt. We also provide complimentary nuclear waste to feed the still living rotting seagulls. Taxes extra.
Although the apartments we provide aren't catered, there is a minibar containing disgusting alcoholic greeny-yellowish liquids, and a consistent supply of foreign insects is available 24 hours a day from under the duvet and in the shower.
Should the actual owners of the apartment turn up at any time, you will find suicide pills in the welcome pack, stuck to page 5 of the brochure. For those with more violent tastes, you may choose to use the guns provided in the safe. Please replace the shotgun and/or the sniper in its former location. Ammunition is available from reception upon arrival.
Things to see and do:
The very concept of pool was wrenched from its dictionary meaning and became "our values versus theirs." The actual perpetrators of the 9/11 attacks, mostly Saudis trained to fly in America by America were all but forgotten. No Afghans were members of al-Qaeda. In one stricken village, Bibi Mahru, Pilger witnessed the aftermath of a single Mk82 "precision" bomb’s obliteration of two families, including eight children.
Dodge E. Holidays takes no responsibilty for anything that happens to you, your loved ones, or your worldly possessions whilst on your holiday. If you try and track us down we'll take all the numbers off the doors and pretend to be a shoe shop. So don't even think about sending round the fatcat lawyers. Capische?
+ Men with bats are on their way as we speak.
+++ Dodge E. Holidays makes no guarantee that your children will be returned safely, or indeed ever found again.