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“Isn't it ironic that you enter the Chamber of Secrets in the girl's bathroom?”
“I love Hogwarts, especially when that snake was sliding around the school, killing people.”
Hogwarts school is a secondary grammar school for wizards and witches situated in the Highlands of Scotland. Often regarded as one of the oldest educational facilities in the world, Hogwarts has been around for almost 1000 years as it was founded by wizard monks shortly after the Norman invasion of England.
Hogwarts is an immense castle built on a hill and within walking distance of Lochlohmond Railway Station. The UN has declared the place a world heritage site and because of this, the problem of muggles intruding in on witch and wizard classes while lesson are in progress has become even more frequent. Luckily the care taker Finch deals with them in the usual way, releasing the warewolves.
edit Academic Performance
Hogwarts, despite being one of the country's oldest public schools, has a poor academic record. In 2005, OFSTED inspectors described the school as "[...] a crumbling ruin full of knuckledragging, semi-literate cretins. Honestly, we've seen sink estates with more intellectual vigour than this lot" (Reuters). The school's emphasis on Potions, Quidditch and Necromancy means that pupils often leave the school barely able to hold a pencil correctly. The poor behaviour at this school reaches as far as brewing meth and other illegal drugs. Hence code names "Potions". It also promotes sex, mainly homosexually, because it has been proven that people certainly use their broomstick a lot."
Hogwarts does manage to maintain a steady 589th place on the national league table which is a poor place considering it is a grammar school. It sits between Croydon School for Sex and Drugs and Gloucester CofE School in the Middle of Nowhere amd has a chance of being relegated from the school's league table next summer.
It is also said that students are frequently placed in difficult and dangerous situations that are way beyond their ability and forced to survive. Reports that a troll broke loose once have not been confirmed but it is said that a pupil was required to deal with the situation while the teachers simply ignored the troll.
THe school also shows segregation, something which is common in grammar schools and his one of the reasons most counties have got rid of them. In Prime Minister's question time in Parliament Hogwarts school was brought to the attention of the MPs as the headmaster was said to have shown favouritism to some individual pupils in the school.
edit Hogwarts: A History
- In 1127, King Cuthlbrodmickle the Broad developed a Hogwart on his head so large that upon suddenly dismounting from his horse, the extra weight broke his neck.
- King Juan Carnoza de Flambé de Malaga of Spain was attempting to swim the Tagus when his massive Hogwarts dragged him underwater. (He was trying to escape the Moors, who wished to circumcise him.)
- King Louis XVI, while trying to escape France in disguise during the Revolution, had his escape foiled by an angry mob who recognised him by the giant wart on his forehead.
- In 1509, The Year of Retarded Magic, every student failed or was killed by "magical accidents" during that year.
- In 1691, Zoidberg becomes Headmaster, but retired after the Health Inspector found out.
- in 1703, A Burmese tiger is mistaken for a kitten with a overly large pituitary gland. It kills 17 students before the mistake is finally realised; several more "adoptions" lead to the death of over 58 students.
- In 1769, Tinky Winky tries to enrol again. They let him back in, but ends up having another orgy with the teachers and is kicked out again.
- In 1770, Drugs are sold through the dealer Severus Snape, who proceeds to cash on favors and becomes the "King of Hogwarts". After a gang war with the rival concentration camp in Britain, they are defeated. A riot ensues, destroying Hogwarts.
- In 1899, Hogwarts becomes a Japanese Firework Factory, to make money owing to the economic problems at the time.
- In 1908, Albus Dumbledore becomes headmaster.
- in 1910, a Boeing 747 crashes into the astronomy tower, the resulting blast levels half the school.
- In 1923, the school is destroyed by the "Great Earthquake" in September.
- In 1944, Hogwarts falls victim to the air raids of WWII and is demolished once more.
- In 1950, mysteriously destroyed again when somebody bombs it.
- In 1952, during official reopening of school, a battle breaks out among students. In the ensuing riot, the school is destroyed.
- In 1956, at the opening for the new pool and gym, students from another school break in. Fortunely, the damage is limited.
- In 1960, Hogwarts holds the "1st Metropolitan Magician Gang Leader Conference".
- In 1962, Professor McGonagall is caught shoplifting 4 bottles of Radox Lavender shower gel at Harrods. The manager of the store calls the police and two officers come to arrest her, so she fakes a seizure. Mcgonogall is placed in a cell for three days and is forced to do 72 hours' community service in the Forbidden Forest.
- In 1968, police are called to the school's graduation ceremony. The conflict begins as a five-on-five battle between students and officers but escalates. Eventually the riot squad arrives, leading to the school's demolition.
- In 1982, Sewer Pipes Burst and floods the school, drowning most students in 50 year old shit.
- In 1985, Mr Filch accidentally lets all the school pets escape. Headmaster Dumbledore shoots and kills the animals, leading to another school riot. The school is destroyed.
- In 1987 the Hogwarts express collides with the 2:30 from London; 127 muggles die (no wizards are killed).
- In 1996, Voldemort puts a curse on everyone, making them cannibals. The school has yet another riot and is destroyed.
- April, 1996, Dobby turns into his father Jar Jar Binks, and his accent is so terrible that many students suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
- September 1997, Snape and Dumbledore order pizza and gulp down fifty or so beers while listening to the new Verve album - Urban Hymns. They have an argument and Snape bets Dumbledore a weeks wages that he can "knock out a Norwegian Ridgeback in less than three punches". Dumbledore accepts the bet, but Snape fights the dragon and loses, he ends up in a coma for 5 months and survives by feeding on pumpkin juice from a drip.
- 2000, through reasons unknown the goonies appear in the staff lounge of Hogwarts, another riot ensues. The school is partially destroyed and a Dobby goes suicidal and finishes off the school with a bomb.
- 2009, Albus Dumbledore accepts Radcliffe as his lawfully wedded civil partner, at a ceremony at Hogwarts.
edit The 2011 Closure of Hogwarts
Hogwarts was closed for students in 2011, after it was discovered by OFSTED that there were many health and safety violations, including moving stairs and three headed dogs. After the closure, Hogwarts was forced to think about rebuilding its site and have laid down new plans for a school building with safety railings on the staircases and pets banned from the premises.
Hogwarts re-opened in 2012 after Dumbledore used his charm to convince the OFSTED inquiry board that the latrines only led down to a basement below and that the tower where the headmaster commited suicide (before he was re-incarnated) had been closed off now.
edit See also
|Characters||Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Severus Snape · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby · Lord Voldemort|
|Books||List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version · Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-off Novel Series of All Time|
|Misc.||Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel)|