Hogwarts
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“ Harry Potter goes to hogwarts.... TO LEARN TO BE A TECHNICIAN . ”
~ Albus Mcafeeore, on Hogwarts school of it excellence on Hogwarts
“ A spectre is haunting Hogwarts, the ghost of Nearly Headless Nick! ”
“ Are you fucking kidding me?”
~ Harry Potter from Troll on Harry Potter
“ Nobody really knew what this place was. There's a lot of secrets in the Chamber of Secrets. ”
~ Nick Blake, on District Hogwarts
“ I love Hogwarts, especially when that snake was sliding around the school, killing people.”
~ a random wizard currently attending Hogwarts
“ Aaah. Nice one, Hermione. I've lost my wand in your Chamber of Secrets.”
~ Harry Potter on his 'wand'
“Go on, sue me, i'll just sue about 60 more people anyway.”
~ J.K Rowling on Troll 1
Often regarded as a university for oxbridge rejects, Hogwarts "School of Witchcrap and Lechery" is the United Kingdom's slave and prostitution concentration camp for students of magic. Located somewhere in southern Scotland, Hogwarts is rumoured to be near Livingston. Its name is derived from the Old Scottish hgg wyrts, meaning "child abuse". Once again, noting the slavery.
Hogwarts is an immense old castle that looks to muggles like a moldy old ruin, but has in fact been open for over a thousand years, looking to wizards like a moldy old ruin that they're forced to sleep in. (Much like St. Andrews) It is also immensely underfunded. The NSPCC won't even touch it anymore and Linda Barker and frequently been asked to visit to clean the place up. These requests have been denied time and time again. This upsets Snape, who wants to get to know Linda better. Poor Snape.
After someone read a science book by Benjamin Franklin, the founders engaged in a fancy name change and called it the Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy and moved to America, where all the wizards turned their broomsticks into maps and set a spell that caused houses and shops to suddenly erupt near train stations. Dumbledore called this "Smart Growth", as opposed to "Cancer", which is a bunch of party dudes at whatever school is closest to you. Why this was done is not known, but Dumbledore was allegedly pissed off over Harry Potter's wrecking a car at Hogwarts. Thus, they didn't want anyone to use cars or broomsticks near cities, so they set about casting spells causing buildings to appear everywhere, which apparently seems to make sense to wizards and witches at Hogwarts Bloustein (at least when they aren't dressing up as pirates for silly dances and going on broomstick excursions to Jersey City). However, there have been lawsuits about mixed-use developments suddenly blooming up under people's feet (thus throwing them into the air) and devouring unsuspecting pedestrians. Like Doub-O and Chuck Norris's son.
Or so the popular books by J.K. Rowling would have us believe.
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[edit] Academic Performance
Hogwarts, despite being one of the country's oldest public schools, has a poor academic record. In 2005 OFSTED inspectors described the school as "[...] a crumbling ruin full of knuckledragging, semi-literate cretins. Honestly, we've seen sink estates with more intellectual vigour than this lot" (Reuters). The school's emphasis on Potions, Quidditch and Necromancy means that pupils often leave the school barely able to hold a pencil correctly. And to answer you questions, yes, this school involves brewing meth and other illegal drugs. Hence code names "Potions". It also promotes sex, mainly homosexually, because it has been proven people certainly use their broomstick a lot. Its qualifications are written on cheese meaning it can't even make the league table.
[edit] Hogwarts "Disease of Kings"
The reality of Hogwarts is considerably grimmer.
It is a pestilence, a plague, a disfiguring disease that is so horrible it is kept secret. The royal families of Europe, Japan, Spain, and Saudi Arabia are all carriers. There is rumour that Elvis Presley, King of Rock and Roll also suffered from the disease.
[edit] Agent of Infection
AIDS outbreaks are as common as they are slightly toasted. The main cause of these outbreaks is the AIDS infected headmaster of Hogwarts demanding a group orgy with all female teachers and students above the age of 18. Over time, these females contract and spread the virus to all male/minor students.
[edit] Hogwarts in History
- In 1127 King Cuthlbrodmickle the Broad developed a Hogwart on his head so large that upon suddenly dismounting from his horse the extra weight broke his neck.
- King Juan Carnoza de Flambé de Malaga of Spain was attempting to swim the Tagus when his massive Hogwarts dragged him underwater. (He was trying to escape the Moors, who wished to circumcise him.)
- While conquering Egypt, Napoleon barely fought off a gangrenous infection of his Hogwarts. General Leclerc was so sickened by the smell of Napolean's putrifying wart tissue that he attacked Ætheopia just to get away from his commander.
- King Louis XVI, while trying to escape France in disguise during the Revolution, had his escape foiled by an angry mob who recognized him by the giant wart on his forehead.
- In 1238, Hogwarts was taken over by Mexican Illegal Immigrints. They Moved out when the FBI inspected the place.
- In 1355, Hitler became headmaster but quit because there were too many black people in the castle.
- In 1475, Micheal Jackson was on the staff role, known as Proffesor Peter File. He was fired in 4 months after his Sex scandal with a Student, which made a Sex Tape and Leaked it on the internet.
- In 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered Hogwarts, the way he discovered America. Hogwarts was already flourishing for over 2000 years.
- In 1509, The Year of Retarded Magic, every student failed or died by the gone wrong magic during that year.
- In 1691, Zoidberg becomes Headmaster, but retired after the Health Inspector found out.
- In 1768, Tinky Winky enrols but was kicked out after smuggling drugs in and having an orgy with the teachers.
- In 1769, Tinky Winky Tries to enrol again, they let him again, but ends up having another orgy with the teachers and is kicked out again.
- In 1899, Hogwarts become a Japanese Firework Factory to make money due to the economy at the time.
- In 1908, Albus Dumbledore becomes head master.
- In 1923, the school destroyed by the Great Earthquake in September.
- In 1944, Hogwarts falls victim to the air raids of WWII and is demolished once more.
- In 1950, mysteriously destroyed again when somebody bombs it.
- In 1952, during official re-opening of school, a battle breaks out among students. In the ensuing riot, the school is destroyed.
- In 1956, at the opening for the new pool and gym, students from another school break in. Fortunely, the damage is limited.
- In 1960, Hogwarts holds the "1st Metropolitan Magician Gang Leader Conference".
- In 1968, police called to graduation ceremony. The conflict begins as a five-on-five battle between students and officers but escalates. Eventually the riot squad arrives, leading to the school's demolition.
- In 1982, Sewer Pipes Burst and floods the school, drowning most students in 50 year old shit.
- In 1985, janitor accidentally lets all the school pets escape. Principal shoots and kills the animals, leading to another school riot. The school is destroyed.
- In 1993, Albus Dumbeldore and Gandalf get into a dance crew battle but gollum decides to bite off Dumbeldore's finger, and in his anger Albus destroyes the school
- In 1996, Voldemort puts a curse on everyone making them canabals, the school yet has another riot and is destroyed.
- In 1999, Hogwarts is awarded the "Best Place Ever For Suicide by Arabic Viewers.
- 2001 to 2008, Hogwarts is used as a movie set for shooting the movie "Harry Potter". Dumbledore has a crush on Daniel Radcliffe.
- 2009, Albus Dumbledore accepts Radcliffe as his lawfully wedded marriage partner in holy matrimony at Hogwarts.
[edit] Trivia
- J.K. Rowling has miss-interperated the "Room of Requirement". It was actually a room where the lonely teachers of Hogwarts school went for some "relief" (a room that contatains whatever fetish the user requires)
[edit] Hogs
Alien hogs are known to raid Hogwarts every 156.5 years since 1234. The next raid will happen at the year 8013 on Friday the 13th. If you get attacked, you will become gay in just 12.34 milliseconds OR if you are lucky, use laser vision to transform those creatures into your farting power.
Note: All wands will be destroyed by the time it comes.
[edit] Other
It should be noted that the Wizard's Staff has got a knob on the end of it, but that that is nothing compared to what is on the end of the Witch's broomstick. It should also be noted that you can replace the word "wand" for the word "wang", to prove that both harry potter and ronald weasly are of the homosexual origin. and that all witches are filthy whores.
[edit] See also
| Harry Potter | ||
| Characters | Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Rubeus Hagrid · Severus Snape · Cedric Diggory · Bellatrix Lestrange · Sirius Black · Luna Lovegood · Dobby | |
| Books | List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version | |
|---|---|---|
| Places | Hogwarts · Inquisitorial Squad | |
| Misc. | Spells · Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical (Sequel) | |
