Hoboken, New Jersey

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Hoboken NJ photo D Ramey Logan

View of Hoboken, where the beer flows, the weed burns, and the girls are surrounded by 20 guys.

Hoboken, New Jersey (also known as "HoBROken") is a fraternity in Hudson County, New Jersey. It is New Jersey’s largest chapter of Bro Wheretha Girls. As of 2010, there were 50,005 brothers in the chapter, making it New Jersey’s largest fraternity. It is top house in Hudson County.

edit History

Hoboken was founded as a German American fraternity in the 1849. Shortly before this time, the first professional baseball game was held on the site that is now the fraternity. As the New Jersey Hudson waterfront developed, many longshoremen bros joined the Hoboken frat. Hoboken became known as a quintessential longshoremen fraternity in the 20th century, so much so that the movie “On the Waterfront” was based on the shenanigans of the Hoboken fraternity and filmed there.

Frank Sinatra, a famous singer who was from Jersey damn it not fucking New York, was a brother in Hoboken. He along with Joe Pantoliano, who played Ralphie in the Sopranos, are the two most famous Hoboken bros.

Hoboken was a bottom tier frat until the early 1990s, when some finance bros who didn't make it into Manhattan began to pledge, attracted to Hoboken because of its house's (see "House") proximity to a PATH ("Port-A-Potty Transexual Hudson," for you non-Jersey bros) train station. More and more finance bros began pledging over the next 20 years.

Today, Hoboken is top house in Hudson County. Weehawken, Jersey City, and West New York are only a notch above GDI status and barely attract the number and quality of females that Hoboken does. Bayonne is for GDI’s.

edit Economy

17135865232 9617aba264 b

Suckers who thought they could have a fun time in Hoboken but just ended up waiting to get in a bar.

Most of Hoboken’s economic output is from packed, loud bars with lots of men pursuing 3 or 4 girls. Alcoholism is a major industry. Major expenditures include DJs, mid tier handles, shitty weed from Jersey City, quality weed from Brooklyn, and STD screenings.

Each year, the Hoboken fraternity holds its vomit-infused St. Patrick’s Day bar crawl to supposedly raise money for some cause no one cares about. Look, it’s fine if you want to have a good time, but don’t try and BS me and tell me it’s for charity.

164514066 1f9d81651a b

The most conveniently placed and inconveniently serviced train station in the world.

Hoboken is such a big and fuckin' sweet frat that it has its own train station, which is convenient if you want to go out partying during the week and go home before midnight. Otherwise, you have to transfer in Secaucus or just say "screw it" and take an Uber.

edit Education

Hoboken public schools suck, so move out after your brat kid finishes preschool.

Hoboken hosts the Stevens Institute of Technology, which is a private coeducational research university that you haven’t heard of unless you live in Hoboken.

edit Government

Hoboken is governed by the five member Hoboken Executive Council. The council is comprised of chapter brothers who are elected by their fellow brothers. It consists of a president, vice president, secretary, director of philanthropy, and pledge master. The president must be a senior preparing to graduate to the suburbs. The pledge master must be a sophomore who became a Hoboken brother the prior year and constantly tries to convince his friends in Brooklyn, Manhattan, and even his pathetic friends still living at home to come out and drink in Hoboken.

The executive council votes on all matters related to frat life, but things are pretty chill in Hoboken, so they don't have to vote too much. It's there just in case, bro. The president leads chapter meetings, handles all public relations with the advice and consent of the rest of the council, and is in charge of bro-versus-bro conflict resolution. The vice president fills in when the president is absent and handles disciplinary matters, unless the school administration gets involved. The secretary fucks Vice President Joey "Putz" Weissbaum's mom and also handles all administrative matters. The current secretary also happens to be a DJ, so he DJs the parties. The director of philanthropy directs philanthropy efforts, you dumb shit, and the pledge master manages all pledging.

Each council member serves a one year term. Elections are non-partisan. As of 2017, the Hoboken Executive Council consisted of President “Angel” Anthony DiLaura, Vice President Joey “Putz” Weissbaum, Secretary Eric “DJ Schmidtfire” Schmidt, Director of Philanthropy Tyler “Poopie” McCann, and Pledge Master “Wild” Will Gunther.

edit Fraternity Life

edit Pledging

Pledging Hoboken is an intense process. Pledges are known to be forced to pay real estate agents exorbitant finder’s fees, unreasonable rental rates, and $15 for a vodka Red Bull. In addition, many pledges are forced to give up their cars. Some do not see their friends outside of Hoboken for months.

Bowery men waiting for bread in bread line, New York City, Bain Collection

Early 20th century Hoboken pledges waiting to talk to the same girl.

Pledges are also often found waiting in twenty minute lines to get into bars. Once they get in, they are known to swarm groups of girls so they can all talk to the same friend. This then turns off the other friends, who slowly peel off until the hot friend is alone and uncomfortable. She then leaves, and the pledges go back to using Tinder.

edit House

Hoboken House is the nicest frat house in Hudson County. It is situated on a 1.3 square mile parcel of land on the Hudson waterfront, with views of New York that make panties drop faster than you can say "Yahtzee!"

Given that it is filled with tens of thousands of horny young men, Hoboken is known as the masturbation capital of New Jersey.

So, you're from New Jersey? What exit?!!!
Atlantic CityCamdenHobokenMaplewoodMonroe TownshipMorris CountyNewarkShort Hills
Personal tools