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“I wouldn't huff a kitten raised on anything but Hobnobs”
Hobnobs are widely considered the lord of all biscuits, this nobby treat which is indulged in chocloate is better than SEX itself - You Love It! Each has more fibre than a truck full of cat litter and are more nutrious than thirty -one chickens. They are considered one of the staple foods of students.
Recent studies have shown that raising kittens on Hobnobs from birth increases their flavour when huffed. This secret was known to ancient huffers but was lost during the great hobnob famine of 892 AD.
Hobnobs are a mixture of angel tears, demon blood, Chuck Norris pelt and hay. The blend of ingredients causes a mild euphoric feeling that is divine, subversive and ass kicking all at the same time. Social conservatives and religious groups have tried to ban the beloved biscuit a number of times due to the inclusion of Norris pelt.
edit History of the Hobnob
Legend has it that in the long long ago God was searching for a biscuit to dunk in is tea. Many biscuits are suitable to use with tea but require delicate timing and are at risk of disintergration or simply retaining their hardness.
God had just made himself a fresh cuppa when he stumbled upon an unusual situation. Chuck Norris had just busted a prostitution ring run by the demon Asbaquck and 'staffed' by the choicest angel pussy, it was run out of a barn which doubled as a brothel. Norris of course round housed kicked the shit out of Asbaquck who was shattered into thousands of lumps of demon flesh. Norris then proceeded to sodomize all the angels at the brothel. Such was the pain he inflicted that the angels wept a river of tears.
God witnessed the combination of the four ingredients which instantly sparks the creation of a perfectly formed hobnob. Seeing the biscuity goodness God have it a dunk and was greatly impressed. God passed the recipe to Oscar Wilde who founded a business and factory complex to make the treats.
To this day the recipe remains essentially the same although demons other than Asbaquck had to be used.
edit The Birth of a Hobnob
It is an interesting and bemusing fact that Hobnobs do not require specific quantities for creation. The smallest fragments of each ingredient will form a perfectly round buscuit if combined. When added together there is a loud squeaky 'pop' that singles the birth of a Hobnob.
- One of the many angels in the in the Hobnob factory is violently raped or is made to watch a Ben Stiller film. It should be noted that only tears of pain will yield a Hobnob.
- A slither of demon flesh is surgically removed from a subject. It has become common to use free range demons to decrease the suffering of the hellspawn.
- A strand of golden Cornish hay is plucked from the field at the back of the plant.
- Chuck Norris pelt is very difficult to obtain but fortunately only one of the steely man fibres is required for a busicuit. They are obtained in upmost secrecy.
- Once all the articles have been collected they carefully placed next to each other. The room must then be evacuated as the parts are drawn to each other. A loud squeaky pop follows and the buscuit will appear roughly six inches above average table height. It is speculated that this is to allow for instance dunking.
There are several varieties based on the standard Hobnob. Here are listed all four of the legal varieties.
- Plain Chocolate: This variety is very easily made. Instead of golden cornish hay the recipe require slave grown hay. The mixture of racism and oppression causes a layer of chocolate to form on top of the buscuit.
- Milk Chocolate: Instead of slave hay, as used by its older brethren, this version uses prostitute hay. This is almost exclusively grown at the Hobnob factory.
- Light: Simply subsitute angel tears for angel semen. This is difficult because most angels are female, or at least pussies.
- Godnob: The purest and most powerful of all Hobnob varieties. It is said that one Godnob can absorb all the tea in China, however its creation may bring about the End of Times if used recklessly.
There are a great number of illegal versions of the humble Hobnob developed by unofficial, non-Wilde endorsed factories. The effects of these biscuits is highly unpredictable and best avoided.
edit Huffing and Hobnobs: a guide
Hobnobs can be broken up and feed to kittens to improve the quality of their soul. An orange kitten raised entirely on hobnobs will provide a huff that can floor even an experienced huffer. Most people are unaware of the value of Hobnobs to kitten huffing largely due to the raising of kittens by third parties. A Hobnob diet will increase the potency of the high received but altering the diet to include Hobnob varieties is a delicate process.
Plain chocolate Hobnobs will alter the kitten's soul. It has occasionally been observed that a kitten fed on plain chocolate hobnobs will burst into a form of folk-soul-kitten music that can reduce a grown man to tears.
Milk Chocolate Hobnobs will turn your kitten into a whore. The feeding of them to kittens has been banned ever since the Human vs. Kitten War.
Light Hobnobs will actually lessen the impact of a hit. This is sometimes used by experienced huffers to introduce new people to huffing with a reduced risk of overdose.
Godnob. Just one Godnob is required to turn a kitten into a Super Kitten. The glowing yellow hair of a Super Kitten is very hot to the touch so that care is required whilst handling. It is also recommended that they are huffed rapidly for safety reasons. Although several people have survived huffing a Super Kitten the experience leaves them in a vegitative state. Mind melds with the huffers have all resulted in instance death to the melder.
Clearly huffing and illegal hobnob varieties is a dangerous idea. It is not recommended and its experimentation has been blamed for some of the universe's great errors. The only documented example is Ben Stiller.