Hitman (videogame)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“This game is violent and politically incorrect, and it's responsible for all the shoot-outs, murders and huffed cats that ever happened in the world! It should be forbidden! And don't get me started on Grand Theft Auto!”
~ Jack Thompson on Hitman

This is a stealth game, and that's the guy you control. Subtle, eh?

Hitman is a series of games from Yo Interactive where you get to control a bald, well-dressed clone assassin named 47, with a subtle bar code printed on the back of his head. The game's goal is for you to be as stealthy as possible while killing your targets. You'd think that would be hard, with the bar code and everything, but no, because the game's A.I. is slightly superior to a doorknob.

edit Gameplay


47's nemesis

A video game developed by LOL in France and XD in Somalia available on platforms like the Gay Boy Color, Windows 3.1 and SEGA.

This run 'n' jump game follows the life and times of a jolly hitman about town named 69, a guy cloned up from various cool dudes in the basement of a scientist named Dr. Oscar-Mayer who lives in an asylum and has a funny accent and talks a lot, in an attempt to create a fella with ultimate sex appeal. The result was a smooth talking bald guy who prefers expensive suits, traveling the world taking up dangerous contracts.

Agent 69 has a fetish for RU-AP mines and enjoys dropping them in crowded areas. Especially the New Orleans level.

Agent 47.....sorry i mean 69,actually is a Sith or Jedi. He uses Force Sense to detect the people and environment around him(Map), and know how suspicious he is. He also uses Force Mind Tricks to trick others.

Agent 69 has a fetish for sniping .Especially at the St. Petersburg level, even if it is evident that it is just a cardboard.

Agent 69 is actually said to be homeless, instead preferring to murder people for items of clothing, household items & weaponry. He can usually be found squatting like a common tramp in some garden shed or basement of a dilapidated building.

Agent 69 never stops talking (and coughing), making it almost impossible to sneak up on people.

Agent 69 comments on videogame violence with body art. He is averse to traditional pick-me-ups like coffee and instead prefers a steady diet of painkillers and adrenaline injections.

The basic idea of the game is to travel around the world as a hitman with his arsenal of deadly hammers. As an in-game bonus, smash hits on such areas as pop, techno and rap music can also be made by the hitman. The voice of hitman is supplied by Bret "the hitman" Hart

69 has a woman who tells him what to do, her name is Petunia and she gives Agent 69 missions to do and in reward he gets a kitten

The most recent game in the series is "Blood Money." The game is so titled because Agent 69 can donate the blood plasma of his victims for money.

In an earlier game 'Hitman Contracts' agent 69, refused to pay his bill to several multinational phone companies, in this game Agent 69 had to visit various telecommunication directors, and assassinate them in any way possible hence severing the contracts on his many mobile phones.

Agent 69 is also a renowned dyslexic who has much trouble with numbers, Agent 69 is willing to pay close to $100,000 for a bottle of aspirin, having no concept of monetary value.

In all the missions in all the games, you're supposed to kill two or three dudes in a map. But the circumstances vary. Sometimes, the guy is an Arab, sometimes he's German. In order to be sneaky, you can rob the clothes of every man you kill or render unconscious, for everyone in this game has the same size and build.But unfortunately the girls wear so tight-fitting dresses that even hitman cannot remove them. When you're in your normal clothes, nobody notices you, even if you're wearing an expensive suit surrounded by people wearing Bermuda shorts in a party. But when you're wearing a disguise, surrounded by people with the same clothes as you, suddenly everybody stops to look at you suspiciously.so would u think.

In the fourth and latest game of the series, Hitman: Blood Money, you're supposed to make the deaths look like an accident whenever possible. Things like putting a mine in a conveniently-placed winch and making something heavy fall on the target (the police won't notice the fragments of mine all over the place later) or poisoning someone's drink (nobody detects traces of poison on the corpse or on the glass the victim drank from). Also, even though you wear about five disguises in every mission, nobody notices you unless you do something suspicious. The NPCs(non-playable characters) in every mission see a bald man with a bar code on the back of the neck, shortly afterwards a bald worker with a bar code on the back of the neck, then a bald policeman with a bar code on the back of the neck, then a secret service agent with a bar code on the back of the neck... and they find this just dandy. The A.I. Here's how it works:

  • You shoot the shit out of some dude.
  • Guards find some dude. They look scared.
  • They bag the corpse and take it somewhere indoors.
  • They resume their normal activities after finding a man shot to death in their area
  • Any civilians who have already been alarmed by the corpse once will just walk by the corpse as if it wasn't there.
  • No one cleans all the pools of blood

Also, you have the help from Diana, from the ICA (International Contract Agency), an agent from the agency you work for. They give you all your guns and a GPS-based map with the target's location marked on it and constantly updated (somehow). And when you buy guns that are too big to conceal in your jacket, the guns are placed somewhere in the map. How they were placed in the area you're supposed to work your ass off to infiltrate remains a mistery.

edit Sound

47's interpreter apparently swallows an egg before starting to record and Diana's interpreter sounds like a rich English woman who has a Yorkshire dog dressed in expensive clothes (the dog and Diana).

edit Graphics

Using the same engine - Glacier - since the first game (from 1999), all the characters in Hitman have facial features so pronounced they look like live versions of Mount Rushmore. All the women have big tits and big asses (finally something you can appreciate about this game...), but no variety between them whatsoever (... or not).

The realistic ragdoll physics engine is still the same from the first game, which practically invented ragdoll physics. You shoot a character, he flies ten feet back while his arms and legs flop like he's being shocked by a taser. That's amazing... if you're still in 1999.

Personal tools