From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“If Friends were like Hitmen, the world would be a better place”
“This guy stole my technique, I was the one who planted a gun in the bathroom of a restaurant to later use to kill a gangster and a high ranking cop!”
“Boobies? Who likes boobies? I can't kill anyone with boobies. Get your boobies out of my sight, Nika.”
edit NounThe name "hitman" is generally used to refer to a special breed of stealthy warriors who use a HAMMER as their trademark. They may be contracted by an individual, organization, government of r even another hitman to "hit" a target. "hitting" a target generally entails sneaking up to a sitting target and tapping the target's left knee (though there have been recorded cases where the hitman was asked to tap the RIGHT knee instead; the first incident caused experts to flatly refuse to believe it was a hitman who did the job), making it jerk up in the process.
This is an extremely dangerous job, for the careless hitman may get caught by the security in the room, shot by guards, or even worse, get hit by the foot which the hitman had tapped. (That's why fibre wires are invented so that the hitman could get the Silent Assassin rating instead of the Thor rating)
Professional hitmen of the highest caliber have been able to make the target's knee jerk up, kick the table out of the window and smash the shatterproof glass in the process, providing the hitman with a ready-made escape route.
In more recent years, there was an uprising of new age hitmen (who are women) that go around hitting people for fun. These women are more commonly referred to as bitches.
edit Video game
This run 'n' bump game follows the life and times of a jolly hit man about town named 69, a guy cloned up from various cool dudes in the basement of a scientist named Dr. Oscar-Mayer who lives in an asylum and has a funny accent and talks a lot, in an attempt to create a fella with ultimate sex appeal. The result was a smooth talking bald guy who prefers expensive suits, traveling the world taking up dangerous contracts and running like mad when everything goes wrong.
Agent 69 has a fetish for RU-AP mines and enjoys dropping them in crowded areas. Especially the New Orleans level.
Agent 47.....sorry i mean 69, actually is a Sith or Jedi. He uses Force Sense to detect the people and environment around him(Map),and know how suspicious he is. he also uses Force Mind Tricks to trick others - holding his CheyTac 408 Rifle in case of non compliance.
Agent 69 has a fetish for sniping. Especially at the St. Petersburg level, even if it is evident that it is just a cardboard.
Agent 69 is actually said to be
homeless living in a garden shed, instead preferring to murder people for items of clothing, household items & weaponry. He can usually be found squatting like a common tramp in some garden shed or basement of a dilapidated building.
Agent 69 never stops talking (and coughing), making it almost impossible to sneak up on people. Did we mention that he prefers to wear bunny slippers that squeak as he walks?
He is averse to traditional pick-me-ups like coffee and instead prefers a steady diet of painkillers and adrenaline injections.
The basic idea of the game is to travel around the world as a hit man with his arsenal of deadly hammers. As an in-game bonus, smash hits on such areas as pop, techno and rap music can also be made by the hit man. The voice of hit man is supplied by Bret "the hit man" Hart
69 has a woman who tells him what to do, her name is Precious Mfundo and she gives Agent 69 missions to do and in reward he gets
a kitten to be led on by Precious' seduction.
The most recent game in the series is "Blood Money." The game is so titled because Agent 69 can donate the blood plasma of his victims for money.
In an earlier game 'Hit man Contracts' agent 69, refused to pay his bill to several multinational phone companies, in this game Agent 69 had to visit various telecommunication directors, and assassinate them in any way possible hence severing the contracts on his many mobile phones.
Agent 69 is also a renowned dyslexic who has much trouble with numbers, Agent 69 is willing to pay close to $100,000 for a bottle of aspirin, having no concept of monetary value.
edit Disturbing Nature
There are a few nasty things in Hitman games that will make you jump out of your chair and shout 'Oh Shiiiii' for example in the Hitman: Contracts level 'Fat Bastards Party' during a Barmitzvah. Agent 69 comes across a dead girl who committed suicide by somehow hanging herself upside down, cutting her own arm off and then gauging her eyes out and then a funny scottish man comes chasing after you for some reason and he will be all like 'ROFL'!!!
edit In-Game '69' Quotes
"I don't remember asking you A GODDAMMED THING"
"Agency, this is 69. Patch me through to Diana. Hello? Is that Diana? Ok I've got my tools ready.. do that sexy talking you always do!"
"Now that's a tasty burger; you mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?" (Player can then proceed to eat out an "interactive" online mate)
"Why am i sat in the back with this messy bitch? You should be the one on brain detail" (An excerpt from the optional two-player bonus game "Bury The Whore")
"I need to use the bathroom"
"Frankly my dear, I couldn't give a flying cluster of monkey fuck to even care what the shits you are talking about. Bitch"
"My name is Agentus Sixtiest Niner, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Princess Diana. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."
"..DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! I'll have the chicken. DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!..."
"I shall strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers" (this is said once in a cutscene before he hits the knee)
"Names are for friends, so I don't need one.. Waaaaaaaaaah Wanna be my friend!? PLEASE? I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"
"Out of Burritos? Out of burritos? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"He had a hole in his face when i got there!"
"SNAKE!! ANSWER ME!!!SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I have no friends."
"Better look sharp, the locals seem edgy.. Meh, I'll just pull out over 20 different assault weapons from my pockets and then not be able to put them back."
"Penguins are better than goafers. They provide excellent protection and they master over 10 different ancient martial arts".
"Names are for friends so i need one"
edit Cloned Hitmen
LOL Interactive have been sued for repeatedly parodying Dr. Otto Wolfgang Ort-Meyer's experiments to produce an eventual counter force to Justin Timberlake and Mikhail Touraeg, Agent 17. A controversial decision made by the doctor was further cemented in it's unpopularity, as he has been repeatedly attacked by Timberlakes' 6-year old female fanbase and several Penguin-Humping and Spam Elves (Ort-Meyer's experiments eventually led to 17, but along the way created a defective clone Timothy Olyphant who is known for his recent terrorist attacks against elves, using the patented Orgasm Gun, two bronze plated AMT Hardballers, with bubblegum firing pins, and a giant menstruating elephant. Other cloned hitmen include