History of the world

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[[File:History.jpg|thumb|right|The authoratative guide to the history of the world.]]
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{{Q|7|The Complete History of the World}}
The '''history of the world''' or '''human history''' is the [[history]] of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on [[Earth]]. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were [[spell check|iletterite]]<!-- Spelling deliberate -->, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.
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{{Q|OK. THAT would be a MOVIE. WE are learning about REALITY.|John Hesting|World History}}
   
Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources, such as [[archaeology]], which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised<!--UK spelling--> field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and gives them personalities created from your own [[psycho|psychosis]].
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Following is the '''Complete History of the World''', as approved by the [[god|powers that be]].
   
Human history starts back with the early Stone Age - or the [[Paleolithic|Palaeolithic]] Era - known as such as that was the time that mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the {{RL|Neolithic}} Era and the invention of [[agriculture]], and the subsequent invention of [[beer]], which then lead to the invention of [[bestiality|animal husbandry]].
 
   
The groups of humans grew larger, and developed into city states, and with it the start of [[civilisation]] in places like the [[Middle East]]'s [[Mesopotamia]]. The growing complexity of human societies necessitated systems of [[mathematics]], which led to [[writing]], which then led to the [[internet]], which lead to the end of civilisation.<ref>“[[Conservapedia]]”. Conservapedia. http://www.conservapedia.com. Retrieved 2010-12-20.</ref>
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==Chapter II: Intermittent Stuff Between Genesis and Ancient Greece==
   
The history of the {{RL|Old World}}<ref>The one we left when the aliens visited and took us to this one.</ref> ([[Europe]] in particular) is commonly divided into numerous periods. These are often referred to as ''days'' and ''years''. The study of history is often about the recollection of dates of significance, such as the date you had your first kiss, or for males, the first time you got laid.
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{{Q|The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does|Jack Thompson}}
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{Alt|History of the world/Classic}}
 
   
==Prehistory==
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1. Cain and Abel
[[file:Cave paintings.jpg|thumb|left|A cave painting done in the early "ug" style. Presumably by master painter "Ug" himself.]]
 
[[Gorilla|Hominids]] other than ''[[Homo sapiens]]'', such as ''[[ED|Homo erectus]]'', may have been using simple tools for many millennia. As they had no power source other than the sun, however, the ability of them to make a power tool was a little difficult. This of course meant that the invention of the vibrator was still some way beyond them, which explains why they had to remain erectus for so long.
 
   
At some point, humans began using [[fire]]. While some suggest that this may have been for the purposes of [[heat]] or [[cooking]], the possibility that they were using it as an early form of strobe lighting in late night [[rave]]s cannot be conclusively dismissed.
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After Adam and Eve's fall from grace, which ends the story of the first nudist colony, they put on clothes, grovelled in the dirt, and eventually produced the twins Sweet Cain and Abel Ready 'n Willing to support them in their old age.
   
They also developed [[language]] in the Palaeolithic period. This has often been regarded as a poor move.
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[[Cain]] and [[Abel]] lived together harmoniously at first, with Cain going into agriculture and Abel into shepherding, allowing Adam and Eve to eat well. However, it came time to offer God some presents, and Cain offered him a vegetarian meal, while Abel offered him a steak dinner. Guess what? God snubbed Cain's offering for Abel's, pissing Cain off and causing him to decide to kill Abel, becoming the first male college roommate love triangle in history.
   
The [[Agricultural Revolution]], beginning about 8,000 BCE, saw the development of agriculture. Farming permitted far denser populations, which was surprising as most of the population was fairly dense already.
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And so, come the next morning, Cain invited Abel out for a walk, promptly ably killing him with his cane. God, the Ultimate RoboCop, who saw it all, decided that a lightning bolt was too good for him, and that the only appropriate punishment would be to wander the Earth forever, without his cane (did I mention he was bow-legged, club-footed and lame after catching his foot in a reaper?).
   
Agriculture also created [[food]] surpluses that could support people not directly engaged in food production. As the majority of people up to this point had been in hunter-gatherer nomadic groups, this suddenly meant that the skills held by many became redundant, which increased unemployment levels. A dramatic need for retraining of the workforce was required, which in turn led to excessive [[student loan]]s being required.
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2. Noah
   
[[File:Cuneiform Tablet.JPG|thumb|right|One of the earliest examples of writing, cuneiform. This translates as "LOL! I'm writing! I'm 2 1337 4 u! OMFG!"]]
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After a long boring series of begats, the story of [[Noah]] (AKA Dr. No) of Crab
Due to the lack of banking facilities - predominantly due to the fact that there was no currency - meant that these unskilled workers had no choice but to join a [[military]] unit. This led to leaders having more militaristic strength, which meant that they could then conquer the [[farmer]]s. This is what is known as civilisation.
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Key begins.
   
The development of cities was synonymous with the rise of [[civilization]]. Early civilizations arose first in lower [[Mesopotamia]] (3500 BCE). Each civilisation was so different from the others that they almost certainly originated independently. [[Writing]] and extensive [[Marketing|trade]] developed to meet the needs of cities, which created the role of the travelling salesman. Due to the lack of telephones, it was a while before the role of the [[telemarketer]] became apparent.
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Noah was born with skin as white as snow, and after all the begatting he was the only moral person left in a world of lecherous greedy murderous slime, like our modern-day world. God, pissed off at sin not just inside but outside the Garden of Eden, decided that expulsion to Venus was too good for them, and mass drowning of vermin without trial or due process was called for, a typical example of his reason and justice. However, since he still wanted to be amused by humans, he ordered Noah to construct
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[[Noah's Ark]] with help from Gomer Pyle and the U.S. Marine Corps, and rounded up breeding pairs of every air-breathing species to stock it with, and cut Noah a little slack by allowing his sons and wives to board with the livestock to repopulate the Earth.
   
This period also saw the apparent origins of complex [[religion]], as nothing says civilisation more than believing in nonsense. [[Religious belief]] in this period commonly consisted in the worship of a number of deities, including a supreme [[Sophia|Goddess]]. Modern religions have moved beyond the belief in a [[God|primitive anthropomorphised deification]], and are now much more rational and sane.{{cn}}
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God gave Noah 100 years to do it, and he needed it, losing decades with court fights with rights groups protesting his exclusion of same-sex animal couples on the Ark, and the Environmental Protection Agency, which forced him to spend millions filing an environmental impact statement.
   
{{-}}
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But the job got done, and God promptly pulled the Big Toilet Handle and flooded the
==Antiquity==
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Earth, causing the former critics eat shit and try to climb on board, only to see God himself close the door with his Big Finger, flipping them the Holy Bird.
===Cradles of civilization===
 
The [[Bronze Age]] is part of the poorly named {{RL|three-age system}} ([[Stone Age]], [[Police|Copper Age]], [[Bronze Age]], and [[Iron Age]]). It was during this age, in the 4th millennium BCE, that in places like [[Mesopotamia]] the [[Game:The_City|city-state]]s arose. It was in cities like these that the earliest known form of writing, {{RL|cuneiform script}}, appeared c. 3000 BCE. This started off as pictures of people, animals and things in order to represent people, animals and things, and slowly became more stylised, as shown below.
 
{| class="purtytable" border="1" style="border-collapse: collapse; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 60%"
 
|- style="background-color: #EEEEEE; text-align: center;"
 
! Egyptian
 
! Phoenician <br />''aleph''
 
! Greek <br />''[[Alpha]]''
 
! Etruscan <br />A
 
! Roman/Cyrillic <br />A
 
|- style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"
 
|[[File:EgyptianA-01.svg|Egyptian hieroglyphic ox head]]
 
|[[File:PhoenicianA-01.svg|Phoenician aleph]]
 
|[[File:Alpha uc lc.svg|65px|Greek alpha]]
 
|[[File:EtruscanA.svg|Etruscan A]]
 
|[[File:RomanA-01.svg|Roman A]]
 
|}
 
[[File:Djoser-pyramid-1.jpg|thumb|left|A pyramid. Considered to be an early attempt the render a triangle.]]
 
This change in stylisation was an indicator that style was and is often considered more important than substance. In many ways this is a trend that continues to today, where [[Justin Bieber]] can resemble a singer in much the same way the dismembered head of an ox can resemble the letter [[A]].
 
   
This happened in several places at the same time, but became stylised in different ways.  This meant that different places created different written languages as they became more civilised. This reflects that having more differences between cultures and people is a sign of advanced civilisation.
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After sailing without a rudder, oar or sails for a year to make sure that all the corpses were past the stinking stage, the Ark landed on [[Mount Ararat]], where it remains to this day, just look it up on Virtual Earth.
   
This era also saw new land technologies, such as horse-based cavalry and chariots, which allowed armies to move faster.  These developments led to [[Age of Empires|the age of empires]].<ref>This has been hotly debated, as empirical evidence is hard to come by.</ref>
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You would think that after all that, nobody would ever sin again. But within years Noah himself was planting vineyards and hashish, and getting stoned and drunk, until he was caught masturbating in his tent by his son Ham, who laughed at the old man for having such a small penis (which explains his high moral stand, but nobody was supposed to know that), angering Noah, who cursed him, causing him to instantly turn black (with help from God, probably), after which God cursed Ham's descendants to always have to slave for rich old Jews, along with the goyim.
   
===Axial Age===
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Later, after the Earth was repopulated again, and the buggers went right back to their lecherous ways, God burnt to the ground the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to stop sodomy and gomorrahy. (Don't ask how Hollyweird can thrive today, they pay Satan off.)
[[File:Olmec werejaguar.jpg|thumb|right|An Olmec statue of a werewolf. This indicates that [[Twilight (novel)|bad lycanthrope stories]] have been around for a long time.]]
 
The next great breakthrough in Western civilization was the glorious civilization of [[Ancient Greece]], the inventor of philosophy, music, sculpture, athletics, Greek [[Love#Greek|love]], lesbianism, ouzo, goat cheese, democracy and My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Many sporting events were done nude, along with sculpture and art.  While the Greeks did make significant changes in the rise of civilisation, they appeared to not have quite understood the concept of clothing at the time.
 
   
[[The Iliad]] and [[The Odyssey]], written in the 9th century BCE, was filled with great action scenes and not an insubstantial amount of gay love. The plot, chronicling the epic conflict between two major condom manufacturers, centres on Achilles, a warrior who narrowly escaped being charbroiled and eaten by his mother Thetis, then ran away to become immortal for boning and kicking Trojan butt.
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==Chapter III.V: Feudal Japan ==
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{{Q|Damn Japs!|Americans}}
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[[Image:SwimCon.gif|300px|right|thumb|This image shows elite Japanese Samurai in an underground hideout.]]
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During this period the Wangda-Banga-Chang-Zang pact of 400 B.C. was still in affect so Emperor Who-Ha-gangda-hanga-Wangda the XVIII Decided that The Japs should declare war on pitates causing the great rice war of 1323.
   
Homer, the greatest poet in history until [[Seuss on Wilde|Dr. Seuss]], was only one of Greece's many major intellectual figures, because Greece was bustling with brainy dudes wearing robes and sandals who did nothing for a living, including [[Socrates]], [[Pythagoras]], and [[Aristotle]].
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[[Image:Landlubber.jpg|thumb|An artist's depiction of a <s>fruit bowl</s> ninja. You see, the artist was actually trying to paint a fruit bowl at the time, and it was only when he finished and looked at the painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.]]
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==Chapter III: The History of Ancient Greece: Philosophical, Democratic, and Culinary==
   
[[File:Parthenon environs.jpg|thumb|left|The Parthenon. A symbol of Greek culture built before the invention of colour.]]
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{{Q|In Greece wise men speak and fools decide.|Alexander Santayana}}
Greece was actually many city-states, such as [[Sparta]] and [[Moscow]], but the one that gained the most fame was [[Athens]], the first place where guys with long beards and no visible means of support could enjoy being in the in-crowd. From this city came the beginnings of democracy in 507 B.C. under Cleisthenes, who spearheaded a revolt against dictatorship, not for himself alone, but "in partnership with the people". [[Democracy|Athenian Democracy]] was a new form of government far superior to any that had come before it, as it allowed for the people, namely, the citizens to have a voting say in governmental affairs, excluding of course women, slaves, the poor, Jews, blacks, aliens, or those resisting sexual advances made by the aristocrats.
 
   
It works by locking the voters in a room together until they find a topic they disagree over, then argue about it for weeks without resolution, until they get tired and go home.<ref>This is a proven effective method of reaching a community consensus and establishing the truth, such as the innocence of OJ Simpson and the viability of climate change science.</ref> This replaces the long history of monarchs who can make instant decisions that cost thousands of lives with a new system that accomplishes nothing and retains the status quo.
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The next great breakthrough in Western civilization was the glorious civilization of [[Ancient Greece]], the inventor of philosophy, music, nude sculpture, athletics (nude of course), Greek love and lesbianism, also ouzo, goat cheese, democracy and My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
   
===Regional empires===
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Of course, as with later European civilization, ancient Greece did not arrive at the absolute summit of enlightenment without a religious foundation, not the screwed-up Hebrew Bible, but the way cooler Iliad and Odyssey, by Home Boy, AKA [[Homer]].
[[File:True plato.jpg|thumb|right|[[Plato]], one of the ancient Greek [[philosophy|philosophers]].]]
 
The millennium from 500 BCE to 500 CE saw a series of empires of unprecedented size develop. This has been contributed to numerous reasons - the increasing reliability of information due to [[writing]], the highly developed [[ethics|ethos]] of [[philosophy|philosophical]] and [[religion|religious]] entities, but predominantly due to the fact that some bugger had a bigger [[army]] than some other poor bugger.
 
   
The rise of these empires saw a rise in the need for a strong [[bureaucracy]] which resisted change to support a rule based down through [[filial piety|familial bonds]]. This meant that bureaucrats needed to do nothing significant to be successful, and the ruling families relied more and more upon [[incest|inbreeding]] to keep the seat of power.
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[[The Iliad]] and [[The Odyssey]], written in the 9th century B.C., was filled with great action scenes and a wee bit of gay love. The plot, chronicling the epic conflict between two major condom manufacturers, centers on Achilles, a warrior who narrowly escaped being being charbroiled and eaten by his mother Thetis, then ran away to become immortal for boning and kicking Trojan butt. Remarkably enduring, The Iliad was refilmed for the 38th time in 2004 starring Brad Peachpit and Eric Banana, who did the wild thing out in the front lines so everybody could watch.
   
The costs of maintaining this fell most heavily on the [[peasant]]ry, while land-owning {{RL|magnate}}s increasingly evaded centralised control and its costs. The ruling 1% thereby took what they could from the remaining 99%, regardless of the damage this was doing to their own country. Of course, this type of empire, while common in ancient history, could never exist in the [[Enlightenment|enlightened]] times of today.{{Citation needed}}
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Homer, the greatest poet in history until [[Dr. Seuss]], was only one of Greece's many major intellectual figures, because Greece was bustling with brainy dudes wearing robes and sandals who did nothing for a living, including [[Socrates]] (who people still talk about despite the fact he spent most of his time asking stupid questions like "Wwhy does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" and "How are babies made?"), [[Pythagoras]] (who, despite being a self-proclaimed advocate of logic brought on his own death via an irrational fear of corn fields and the eating of beans), and [[Aristotle]] (who invented the [[syllogism]]).
   
====Europe====
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Speaking of syllogisms, they became the basis of all Western rational thinking, which explains why the West is so screwed up. A typical example: "My stapler is red. The sky in an apocalyptic drawing made by a kindergartner is red. Therefore, my stapler will fill the sky in an apocalyptic world."
[[File:Alexander.jpg|thumb|left|Alexander the Great. Photo probably not taken from life.]]
 
Athenian democracy did not last, as by 340 B.C. {{RL|Philip II of Macedonia}} had swept through, crushing the city-states and unifying them into one collective nation. However, in 336 B.C., just as he was getting somewhere, Philip II was killed over a misunderstanding at a Tupperware party.
 
   
Enter his son and heir [[Alexander the Great]]. Tutored by Aristotle from birth, Alexander was renowned by the age of 18 for his desire to bone his mother and for his boundless ego. This was possibly caused by Aristotle pumping him while telling him that he was "probably the son of Zeus" at age 8.
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Greece was actually many city-states, such as [[Sparta]], [[Poughkeepsie]] and [[Moscow]], but the one that gained the most fame was [[Athens]], the first place where guys with long beards and no visible means of support could enjoy being in the in-crowd. From this city came the beginnings of democracy in 507 B.C. under [[Cleisthenes]], who spearheaded a revolt against dictatorship, not for himself alone, but "in partnership with the people". [[Athenian Democracy]] was a new form of government far superior to any that had come before it, as it allowed for the people, namely, the citizens to have a voting say in governmental affairs, excluding of course women, slaves, the poor, Jews, blacks, aliens, or those resisting sexual advances made by the aristocrats (red-haired people had their difficulties too). It works by locking the voters in a room together until they find a topic they disagree over, then argue about it for weeks without resolution, until they get tired and go home. This replaces the long history of monarchs who can make instant decisions that cost thousands of lives with a new system that acomplishes nothing and retains the status quo.
   
Unfortunately, he was a flagrant imbecile, and decided after a night of drunken partying to burn down the recently captured {{RL|Persepolis}} - a city containing the ancient world's finest architecture.
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==Chapter IV: Alexander the Great==
   
On June 11th, 323 B.C., while trying to round up an army to invade India, Alexander croaked of malaria in the foul town of [[Baghdad]], leaving no heir to take over his sprawling empire.
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{{Q|[He] must be too mean-spirited to get contentment from sitting by a woman.|Bertolt Brecht|Alexander the Great}}
   
While Greece floundered, [[Rome]] was steadily building up its own empire. They had gotten off to a slow start, but since this was ancient history they could take all the time they wanted.
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Alas, Athenian democracy, regardless of its perfection of the Peter Principle, did not last, as by 340 B.C. [[Philip II of Macedonia]] had swept through, crushing the city-states and unifying them into one collective nation. However, in 336 B.C., just as he was getting somewhere, Philip II was killed by his gay bud Pausanias over a misunderstanding at a tupperware party.
   
At first satisfied with their seven shitty hills, the Romans eventually decided to strike out and build the Roman Empire. A few hundred years later, Julius Caesar became [[the man]], not only popular with aristocrats but with commoners for inventing the Caesar Salad and the Caesarean Section so that thin runway models could have children too, and all those fat women could be dispensed with, although this later led to Roman soldiers becoming weak skinny wimps that were no match for the German and other barbarians.
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Enter his son and heir [[Alexander III the Great]]. Tutored by Aristotle from birth, Alexander was renowned by the age of 18 for his desire to bone his mother and for his boundless ego, caused by Aristotle pumping him while telling him that he was "probably the son of Zeus" at age 8, arrived at by his famous syllogism: "Zeus has a white beard. Philip II is Alexander's father, and he also has a white beard. Therefore, there is at least a 50/50 chance Alexander is the son of Zeus." (You know when I tickle your belly and you have that moment of "Oh, yeah"?)
   
[[File:Caesar-crossing.png|thumb|right|One of Caesar's greatest military triumphs is captured here on canvas as ''Caesar crossing the Delaware''.]]
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Too bad, his colleagues in the army all considered him a flagrant imbecile, and their beliefs were validated during his invasion of Persia, when he spontaneously decided after a night of drunken partying to burn down [[Persepolis]], a city containing the ancient world's finest architecture. Given that cities in Persia were pillaged every second weekend or so, still, wouldn't you expect more from someone who has been labeled "the Great"? That's why the first use of the epithet was made by Roman general Pompey two hundred-odd years later so he could apply it to himself.
Around this time, Rome's greatest writer [[Virgil]] was born. In the ancient world, based on the Greek example, everyone who was unemployed was either a philosopher or a poet, and, as philosophers still had to teach two classes a week at the Academy, Virgil decided to become a poet. [[The Aeneid]], his magnum opus, was shamelessly plagiarised from The Iliad, for which God sent him to Hell, where he was put in charge of giving tours of the Underworld, as documented in [[Dante]]'s [[Inferno]], where he became famous for the sound bite that he thought Satan would look "scarier in person."
 
   
The all-too brief period of peace and prosperity enjoyed under [[Julius Caesar]] was abruptly ended on the Ides of March of 44 B.C., when Brutus and a bunch of other jealous senators assassinated him, leading to the division of Rome into two parts by a pair of wannabe Caesars, [[Marc Antony]] and [[Octavian]]. This proved that the best way to cut something up is by using a pair of Caesars.
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On June 11th, 323 B.C., while trying to round up an army to invade India, Alexander croaked of malaria in the foul town of [[Baghdad]], leaving no heir to take over his sprawling empire of blonde butt-boning Greeks, causing chaos as his four main generals split it four ways and caused the Age of the Bleached Blondes to begin.
{{-}}
 
   
====Asia====
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==Chapter V: Jesus and Rome, With No Particular Emphasis on the Former==
[[File:The Great Lavatory.jpg|thumb|left|Among other things the Han Dynasty added to the great wall, allowing them to express how they felt about land that was not China.]]
 
Meanwhile, the [[Han Dynasty]] is often considered to be the Rome of China. One of the major differences, however, is while Rome was built using the best parts of the cultures they assimilated, [[Star Wars|Han did it solo]].
 
   
Another major difference was that Han [[China]] was developing advanced cartography, shipbuilding, and navigation as opposed to a large military might. The East developed blast furnaces, and the capacity to create finely tuned copper instruments. One of the technological drawbacks they had, however, was their abundant love of tea.
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{{Q|Rome wasn't unbuilt in 15 minutes.*|Oscar Wilde}}
   
Due to their desire to make nicer tea cups Han China focused on making better ceramic cups, while in the west they worked on making glass for their beer. This resulted in China being focused on fine china, and not learning the arts of working with glass. This meant they had no spectacles, telescopes, microscopes or windows. If they had reflected on this they would have realised that it was an issue, but they also had no mirrors.
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*I actually made this quote up.
   
Meanwhile, in 300 BCE, <span class="new">[[Asia|<span title="Asia (page DOES exist)">South Asia</span>]]</span> was united into the [[This page does not exist|Maurya Empire]] by [[This page does not exist|Chandragupta Maurya]] and flourished under [[This page does not exist|Ashoka the Great]]. From the 3rd century CE, the [[This page does not exist|Gupta dynasty]] oversaw the period referred to as ancient India's Golden Age. Empires in Southern India included those of the [[This page does not exist|Chalukyas]], the [[This page does not exist|Rashtrakutas]], the [[This page does not exist|Hoysalas]], the [[This page does not exist|Cholas]] and the [[This page does not exist|Vijayanagara Empire]]. As is demonstrated by the abundance of articles on Uncyclopedia, this is a major part of global history.
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Following the fall of Greece, questions began to arise among the intelligentsia as to which nation would eventually fill the shoes of the great superpower. While the smart money in Vegas was on China, India, or Parthia (Afghanistan, home of Osama Bin Laden), it actually turned out to be darkhorse [[Rome]], a small city founded by two handicapped retarded twins, [[Romulus and Remus]], who grew up sucking wolf tit, which shriveled their brains.
   
====The Americas====
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Many cities today share descent from ancient Rome. Chief among these is Washington D.C., the capital of the United States. Rome was originally built on seven hills, the 7th (Capitol Hill) used as a prison to quarantine nut cases, like Washington D.C.'s Capitol Hill today.
[[File:Mexico.Mex.Teotihuacan.PyramidMoon.01.jpg|thumb|right|An Aztec pyramid. Soon to be turned into a 24 hour Walmart.]]
 
In [[Central America]], vast societies were built, the most notable being the [[Mayan Calendar|Maya]] and [[Aztecs]] of {{RL|Mesoamerica}}. However, these empires, along with the [[Inca Empire|Incan empire]], had all but died out by the time white settlers came to America, and as such are [[Nobody cares|not important]].
 
   
===Declines and falls===
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Rome got off to a slow start, but since this was ancient history they could take all the time they wanted. Romulus, the eldest of the two retards, actually founded the city as a practical joke, becoming another proof of Aristotle's famed theoretical formula that states that when moronic people attempt to do moronic things their stupidity tends to backfire and lead to greatness.
   
The great empires of Eurasia were all located on temperate coastal plains. From the [[Asia|Central Asian]] steppes, horse-based nomads (Mongols) dominated a large part of the continent. Which shows that you can be a complete mongoloid and as long as you're stronger than the other guy, you're still likely to end up on top.
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Also according to Aristotle's formula, the Roman Senate was regularly filled with the dumbest citizens of Rome, or those who lost their licenses and were still on the road.
   
[[File:Mongol hordes.jpg|thumb|left|An invading Mongolian army. Photo possibly not from life.]]
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At first satisfied with their seven shitty hills, the Romans eventually decided to strike out and build the Roman Empire. A few hundred years later, Julius Caesar became the Man, not only popular with aristocrats but with commoners for inventing the Caesar Salad and the Caesarian Section so that thin runway models could have children too, and all those fat women could be dispensed with, although this later led to Roman soldiers becoming weak skinny whimps that were no match for the German and other barbarians.
[[China]]'s Han Empire fell into [[civil war]] in 220 CE. Thus proving that while discovery and learning are a good thing, it's doesn't help much when dealing with a Mongol archer, no matter how big you build a wall.  After the fall of the Han Dynasty {{RL|nomad}}ic tribes from the north began to invade. The [[Sui Dynasty]] reunified China in 581, and under the succeeding [[Tang Dynasty]] (618–907) China entered a second [[golden age]], but not quite as golden - more a wee yellow age.
 
   
Yet pressure from nomadic empires to the north became increasingly urgent, and the [[Mongol|Mongol Empire]] conquered all of China in 1279.  Again proving the dominance of strength over geekiness.
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Around this time, Rome's greatest writer [[Virgil]] was born. In the ancient world, based on the Greek example, everyone who was unemployed was either a philosopher or a poet, and, as philosophers still had to teach two classes a week at the Academy, Virgil decided to become a poet. [[The Aeneid]], his magnum opus, was shamelessly plagiarized from The Iliad, for which God sent him to Hell, where he was put in charge of giving tours of the Underworld, as documented in [[Dante's Inferno]], where he became famous for the soundbyte that he thought Satan would look "scarier in person."
   
As the Roman Empire's power and influence weakened in the 5th century, it quickly became the place for barbarians on the make to hang out and pillage. However, after a particularly bad summer when Rome was sacked a total of 9,000 times by [[Huns]], [[Goth|Visigoths]] and [[German|Ostrogoths]] (who are the Goths who prefer to ravage cities looking for Astros tickets), the Germanic Visigoth chieftain {{RL|Odoacer}} forced the last Roman emperor in the West, [[Augustus|Romulus Augustus]]<!-- This links to the wrong guy, but who cares? -->, to abdicate, in return for a pension and lots of young boys.
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The all-too brief period of peace and prosperity enjoyed under [[Julius Caesar]] was abruptly ended on the Ides of March of 44 B.C., when Brutus and a bunch of other jealous senators assassinated him, leading to the division of Rome into two parts by a pair of wannabe Caesars, [[Marc Antony]] and [[Octavian]]. Marc Antony, who coulda been a contender screwed up by allowing Cleopatra to pussywhip him, allowing Octavian to defeat him at Actium in 30 B.C., then after getting him out of the way, rise to power in 27 B.C. as the first Roman emperor, reinstating the Roman Senate as a stage show while he pulled all the strings, making him the first Godfather.
   
[[File:Romanspeech.gif|thumb|right|The Catholic church in Rome, advising the crowd that to give is divine, to hold back from the church is deadly.]]
+
Just as Augustus' reign got into high gear, a pesky little historical event occurred in a remote part of the Empire: the birth of [[Jesus Christ]]. Yes, we're back to the Bible, but this time it's Bible II: [[The New Testament]], as after all these years the Jewish Writers Union decided to try a comeback after being on the Hollywood Blacklist long enough to be ready to push anything that would sell, no matter how crappy.
Accepting a permanent shift in the powers-that-be, the [[Roman Catholic Church]], now the largest support group in the world, held a board meeting in Rome before deciding that, in light of the new Northern European supremacy, they would kiss butt while simultaneously dispatching missionaries to their homelands in the hope of converting them to their superstition and recouping much of the capital they had invested in sustaining a slipshod Roman economy. Much to the delight of the Southern European popes, the campaign to culturally assimilate Northern Europe proved wildly successful, so much so that not only was the term "[[barbarian]]" adopted in the West as a pejorative term to describe someone who lacks manners - or alternatively someone who cuts hair. The barbarians, who had previously been responsible for the destruction of the Roman Empire, would spend the better part of the next 2000 years attempting to recreate it in [[London]], [[Paris]], [[Moscow]] and [[Berlin]].
 
   
In these times, <span class="new">[[India|<span title="India (page DOES exist)">Northern India</span>]]</span> was ruled by the [[This page does not exist|Guptas]]. In southern India, three prominent [[This page does not exist|Dravidian]] kingdoms emerged: [[This page does not exist|Cheras]], [[This page does not exist|Chola]]s and [[This page does not exist|Pandyas]]. Unfortunately, [[nobody cares]].
+
The Jesus Story starts out like any Hebrew prophet, railing against the Jews for falling out of the True Faith of Jehovah and being plotted against by the power structure, religious and civil. His main activity was to wander around the streets of Jerusalem handing out homemade signed cards which he claimed were good for the redemption of either three venial sins or one mortal sin, only one shekel donation required. In addition, he regularly preached to crowds of onlookers, claiming to be the Son of God, the punch line being that his mother was the best whore in Israel, pimping her for big shekels, which infuriated the Jewish religious authorities, who never received a kickback. When asked at the time, God declined to comment, though he did request that his name not be associated with Jesus anymore, leaving it to his Jewish priests to finish him off.
   
{{-}}
+
In light of God's request and Jesus' "dine-and-dash" approach toward paying the bill for the Last Supper, the Jews decided that he had to go, and after a bunch of conspiracy theorists' stuff, procurator [[Pontius Pilate]] (the Roman general appointed to keep the peace in Jerusalem) ordered Jesus executed for treason. However, as the books composing the New Testament were later picked by Romans during the [[Council of Nicea]] in 325, we may never know what really happened, or who killed Kennedy, a lone gunman or a government conspiracy. Luckily for us moderns, [[Mel Gibson]] the noted archaeologist set us all straight with his historical reconstruction titled [[The Passion of the Christ]], in which he proves that he runs the town and all wars were started by the Jews.
   
==Middle Ages==
+
Following Augustus' reign, one of Rome's most popular emperors, [[Nero]], came to power. Named after a CD-burning software package by his mother [[Agrippina]], Nero decided early in his reign that it would be a humorous irony for him to burn down one of Rome's largest residential quarters while he fiddled and masturbated in his toga. However, after the public failed to relate to his sense of humor, which had now forced thousands of Romans into vagrancy, Nero quickly reconciled his popularity by blaming the pesky Christians and constructing a large theme park in the burned area, lit by Christian human torches.
The [[Middle Ages]] are commonly dated from the [[fall of the Roman Empire|fall of the Western Roman Empire]] in the 5th century. The Middle Ages were one of the most progressive times in human history, not just because they had really nifty stuff like knights, dungeons, dragons, etc., but also because several different remarkably innovative concepts were pioneered during this time, including crop rotation, iron-rich diets, and heavy ploughs.
 
   
The knowledge and skills of the ancient Middle East, of Greece and of Persia were learned by Muslims in the Middle Ages. Fundamentalist Muslims have since condemned the West for introducing corruption into their culture, which shows that civilisation is generally synonymous with decadence.
+
Aside from being a total pinhead, like the average Roman citizen, Nero was also widely praised for his decision to appoint his favourite horse to the Senate, who, when given veto power (by virtue of being able to say "neigh") over which reforms should be introduced, ultimately led Rome to a period of greater prosperity than they had seen in decades. A tactful politician, Nero retained his popularity by regularly feeding pesky Christians to the lions in the [[Colosseum]], which was especially fun to watch when they were young beautiful women.
   
[[File:Crusades05.jpg|thumb|left|An artists impression of the crusades. Given the obvious suggestion that it was an easy win for the Catholics, the artist obviously was not a crusader.]]
+
As he found almost everything funny, Nero is frequently credited with inventing the [[Yo Momma Joke]], which in 68 B.C. led to a revolt among the commoners, who wouldn't stand for insults to their mothers. While it was long thought that Nero was assassinated, an ancient inscription by [[Suetonius]] that he "slit his own throat while shaving" has cleared it up.
Several remarkable battles occurred during the Middle Ages, including, perhaps most notably of all, the Crusades, which lead to a Western European victory in 1099 with the capture of [[Jerusalem]], only to face the hard fact that the entire area is run by Muslims and they will eventually reconquer it.<ref>This is obviously not the case in [[Afghanistan]]. [[Lie|Really]].</ref>
 
   
After a Muslim victory, a new crop of [[Crusader]] dopes in 1145 A.D. were talked into the lamer effort with the promise of a helmet with a fancy cross on it, marching off to kick Muslim butt and rape Muslim women,<ref>Kicking Muslim butt and raping Muslim women is now considered to be the national sport of the United States.</ref> crossing through Spain to the Holy City of Jerusalem, where capturing the Holy Tomb of Christ was supposed to be worth it. Too bad, in 1187 A.D., Saladin recaptured the Holy Land, granting clemency to the Christian army and their families so they could go back to Europe and tell people that it wasn't worth it.
+
After Nero's death in well-named 69, a power struggle ensued, resulting in four emperors in one year, followed by a bunch of equally cruddy bumbs succeeding him
  +
over four centuries, none of whom are worth mentioning. What really matters, though, is [[Hadrian's Wall]], which, according to historians of ancient Chinese heritage, was supposed to be built to protect China from invading parties. Unfortunately, as the builder commissioned to construct the wall was Irish, he got drunk and built it in Britannia, which to him was China. The lesson learned is don't let an Irishman build your wall, because it might end up 6,000 miles away from where it was intended to be.
   
Subsequently, the most highly respected thinkers in all of Western Europe held a conference, and decided that if their adult armies could not defeat the Muslims, surely armies comprised entirely of children could. Too bad, the several thousand children sent to fight in the [[UnNews:EU vows to end Mideast strife with "Children's Crusade"|Children's Crusade]] were all captured long before their arrival in the Middle East, and sent to work as slaves in Africa, later inventing marathon running and basketball.
+
As the Roman Empire's power and influence weakened in the 5th century, it quickly became the place for barbarians on the make to hang out and pillage. However, after a particularly bad summer when Rome was sacked a total of 9,000 times by [[Huns]], [[Visigoths]] and [[Ostrogoths]] (who are the Goths who prefer to ravage cities looking for Astros tickets), the Germanic Visigoth chieftain [[Odoacer]] forced the last Roman emperor in the West, [[Romulus Augustus]] (AKA Love Bogo), to abdicate, in return for a pension and lots of young boys.
   
Another conflict worthy of mention is the one fought in by [[Joan of Arc]], the [[Hundred Years' War]].<ref>As a sign of advanced [[mathematics|mathematical skill]], the Hundred years war actually raged over 116 years, although some years were more rageworthy than others.</ref>
+
Accepting a permanent shift in the powers-that-be, the [[Roman Catholic Church]], now the largest support group in the world, held a board meeting in Rome before deciding that, in light of the new Northern European supremacy, they would kiss butt while simultaneously dispatching missionaries to their homelands in the hope of converting them to their superstition and recouping much of the capital they had invested in sustaining a slipshod Roman economy. Much to the delight of the Southern European popes, the campaign to culturally assimilate Northern Europe proved wildly successful, so much so that not only was the term [["barbarian"]] adopted in the West as a pejorative term to describe someone who lacks manners, but the barbarians, who had previously been responsible for the destruction of the Roman Empire, would spend the better part of the next 2000 years attempting to recreate it in [[London]], [[Paris]], [[Moscow]] and [[Berlin]].
   
[[File:Arc-Joan of Arc Engraving.jpg|thumb|right|Joan of Arc, prior to being the guest of honor at a barbecue.]]
+
==Chapter VI: *Drumroll* The Dark Ages==
At the impressionable age of thirteen, Joan began hearing voices, which she attributed to God and his angels, not [[Dissociative Identity Disorder|dissociative identity disorder]] caused by her [[paedophile]] daddy sneaking in at night. The voices told her to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, she found a sword, thus proving herself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of [[France]].
 
   
When commanding her soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming title of "<span style="font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: bold;">She Who Was Asked By [[God]] To Go And Conquer France</span>". She led her men to several great victories before being reminded that she was French, who always lose their wars, after which she promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try her as a witch for dressing like Madonna on the Virgin Tour.
+
"What be can say about the Teutonics? They were the n00bs of the cruzades. They were pwn3d manytimes by the Muslims. They worn a not too nice white robe with a black cross, which symbolizes "Hey dude, we are the Templars, really! Ok you get me, the Templars has a red cross, but...We ownz all!"
  +
- Darklunius, Internet Gamer
   
The Catholic church instituted the Medieval Inquisition around 1200.  This was done by torturing and killing thousands of their own subjects and seizing their assets for the good of the Church. However, they were all found guilty by various forensic methodology like trial by fire, trial by dunking, and trial by methods that would make even a guard at Guatanamo sit up and say "That's a bit rough".
+
Ranked by [[Harper's Index]] as the second least awesome historical era next to the 20th century, the 7th-10th centuries are commonly described by historians as being characterized by disease, scientific regression, and widespread ignorance. On the contrary, the [[Dark Ages]] (as they are often called) were one of the most progressive times in human history, not just because they had really nifty stuff like knights, dungeons, dragons, etc., but also because several different remarkably innovative concepts were pioneered during this time, including crop rotation, iron-rich diets, and heavy plows.
   
{{-}}
+
In fact, it was not until the time of [[Petrarch]], an Italian poet and early humanist, that people began to look down upon the way in which society was organized in the "Dark Ages". Frankly, in historical retrospect, it's hard to see why Petrarch's opinion was relevant, as all he ever really succeeded in doing was condemning a peaceful pre-modern agricultural society (Western Europe) and learning how to speak Greek, though in his translation of the Iliad the lisping twit actually gargles the manly cadences of the original. Never mind this, though. Petrarch is leading the world into a new age of enlightenment, and Western Europeans are a bunch of monkeys.
   
=Modern history=
+
Let's review his progress. Western Europeans have the plague and smell bad. Petrarch, by contrast, has the plague, smells bad, and speaks Greek. Wow, I can just feel that Renaissance coming, can't you?
==Early Modern period==
 
[[File:Vitruvian Man.jpg|thumb|left|Vitruvian man. A sketch by Leonardo da Vinci showing that he isn't very good at counting the number of limbs.]]
 
Early Modern period is that period following the Middle Ages, which in turn is defined as the period of time before the early modern period. It is defficult to define in dates when one period of history ceases and another begins, as historians dispute the dates the define periods, and different periods of history start in different places in different parts if the planet. This is most evident when a citizen of North America travels to [[Texas]], and suddenly realises they've stepped back in time around 50 years.<ref>For an Australian, think of Westem Australia. For a European, think Belgium. For an African... you're pretty much buggered.</ref>
 
   
===European Renaissance===
+
The reality is that, despite what Petrarch thought, Western Europe was a very sophisticated place, with a penchant for the arts and literature which made Renaissance Italy's look pathetic in comparison. Charlemagne, for example, encouraged people to read and write, all the while studying the works of St. Augustine, conquering Europe, getting crowned Holy Roman Emperor and nailing three or four concubines every night. Ever hear of a little thing called Beowulf, Petrarch? Or the poetry of Walafrid Strabo? The stuff he wrote about his garden was so great it was lifted by Tupac.
In the beginning of the 14th century, Europe underwent a state of change that is now referred to as a "Renaissance". This word comes from the Latin word meaning ''to be reborn''. The basic premise of this is that things were better in the old days, and people should start learning from the lessons of the past. In short, they discovered that most of the last 700 years was a pretty terrible time, and they tried to set the clock back again - like a cultural snooze button.
 
   
The renaissance originally consisted of the rediscovery of the classical world's scientific contributions. So the early renaissance men were in fact plagiarists of long dead Roman scholars, who plagiarised the Greek scholars, who had plagiarised the Indian scholars. In short, nobody was coming up with anything new.
+
Several remarkable battles occurred during the Dark Ages, including, perhaps most notably of all, the Crusades, which began in 1095 after [[Peter the Hermit]] talked the pope into it, and which won a big victory in 1099 with the capture of [[Jerusalem]], only to face the hard fact that the entire area is run by Muslims and they will eventually reconquer it. After a Muslim victory, a new crop of [[Crusader]] dopes in 1145 A.D. were talked into the lamer effort with the promise of a a helmet with a fancy cross on it, marching off to kick Muslim butt and rape Muslim women (later becoming the national sport of the United States), crossing through Spain to the Holy City of Jerusalem, where capturing the Holy Tomb of Christ was supposed to be worth it. Too bad, in 1187 A.D., Saladin recaptured the Holy Land, granting clemency to the Christian army and their families so they could go back to Europe and tell people that it wasn't worth it. Subsequently, the most highly respected thinkers in all of Western Europe held a conference, and decided that if their adult armies could not defeat the Muslims, surely armies comprised entirely of children could. Too bad, the several thousand children sent to fight in the [[Children's Crusade]] were all captured long before their arrival in the Middle East, and sent to work as slaves in Africa, later inventing marathon running and basketball.
   
[[file:Printingpress.jpg|thumb|right|The printing press enabled rapid dissemination of important information. Like the Bible.]]
+
Another conflict worthy of mention is the one fought in by [[Joan of Arc]], the [[Hundred Years' War]] (which, for the record, actually went on 116 years). At the impressionable age of thirteen, Joan began hearing voices, which she attributed too God and his angels, not dissociative identity disorder caused by her pedophile daddy sneaking in at night. The voices told her to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, she found a sword, thus proving herself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of France. When commanding her soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming title of "She Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France". She led her men to several great victories before being reminded that she was a Frog, who always lose their wars, after which she promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try her as a witch for dressing like Madonna on the Virgin Tour.
Although it saw social and political upheaval and revolutions in many intellectual pursuits, the Renaissance is perhaps known best for its artistic developments and the contributions of such polymaths as Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo, because at least they were coming up with new ideas.
 
   
Leonardo da Vinci also came up with numerous inventions, such as the helicopter (which didn't work), and gunpowder (which he stole from the Chinese). Many of his inventions were lost for centuries, until they were in turn plagiarised by Thomas Edison.
+
Hopping through the boring stuff...
   
In 1478 the [[Spanish Inquisition]] began. This was actually a ploy by the Spanish monarchy to better their fledgling financial situation by killing Jews and Muslims (whose lives everyone knows are expendable) and confiscating their assets, as they were generally more wealthy than most Spaniards who already gave a tithe to the church. In this regard, the Inquisition could be viewed in much the same light as the modern [[War on Terror]], but less sadistic.
+
In 1478 A.D. the [[Spanish Inquisition]] began, which, despite being often attributed to the Catholic Church, was actually a ploy by the Spanish monarchy to better their fledgling financial situation by killing Jews and Muslims (whose lives everyone knows are expendable) and confiscating their assets. In this regard, the Inquisition could be viewed in much the same light as the modern [[War on Terror]]. Remarkably, the University of Portugal's academic report which suggested that the impoverishment of Europe during the Dark Ages could be curbed simply by murdering tens of thousands of infidels must've been correct, as by 1600 A.D. the majority Europe had entered the Renaissance, an era viewed as superior to the one which preceded it. This perception exists not only because fine rugs began being imported to Europe during this time, but also because widespread literacy caused a plethora of Italian sonnets to be written, not a single one of which is worth reading today, but back then made the Billboard 100.
   
===Rise of Europe===
+
As the Spanish Inquisition was an act of genocide, a word which is the antithesis of genesis, the point from which this essay began, we will stop here. So goes the huge leaps of progress made by humankind from the year 5,632 B.C. to 1,600 A.D.. Besides, little of interest occurred in the Renaissance, save maybe [[Henry VIII]] founding his own religion and becoming his own pope because of a low sperm count.
[[file:GenocidebySpanish.jpg|thumb|left|Thanks to the income generated by the inquisition, the Spanish created a global empire where they could spread their good deeds across continents.]]
 
It was during this, and the subsequent few centuries, European powers came to dominate most of the world.
 
   
There are numerous theories as to why this happened. Some state that it was due to geographical advantages, some state that it was relating the ethnic differences, or differences of power structures, or even a remnant of the fall of the Roman Empire leaving a power vacuum that the church and various other political structures then filled.
+
== See Also ==
  +
*[[Time]]
  +
*[[History of Man]]
  +
*[[The History of The World (Short Version)]]
   
However what all these theories miss is the obvious truth - the the Europeans were just too cool for the rest of the world to stand a chance.
 
   
History did continue to happen in other parts of the world though. Before the era of firearms, the Mongols were a militarily superior force. If they broke out into the plains of northern India or the valleys of China, were all but unstoppable. The Golden Age of Islam was ended by the Mongol sack of Baghdad in 1258. India and China were subject to periodic invasions, and Russia spent a couple of centuries under the Mongol-Tatar yoke, which refused to budge even after the most vigorous of brushing.
+
[[Category:History]]
  +
[[Category:Middle Ages]]
   
[[file:Nun Gun.jpg|thumb|right|The invention of the gun allowed the Eurpoeans to spread their philosophies worldwide.]]
+
[[fi:Maailmanhistoria]]
By about 1500 there was a qualitative change in world history. Technological advance and the wealth generated by trade gradually brought about a widening of possibilities. The it was the expansion of mercantile empires, fueled by Capitalism, that fostered the growth of empires. Fortunately no enlightened country of today would ever consider invading another countries sovereign state on a flimsy pretense for the primary purpose of controlling a larger natural resource supply.{{citation needed}}
+
[[fr:L'Histoire du Monde]]
 
The Portuguese government asked the Catholic church if they could have their own inquisition in 1515. This way they could get the same benefits that the Spanish monarchy were getting, but with Papal blessing. Papal blessing is much like purchasing from a brands official website instead of through eBay.
 
 
This era in European culture saw the Age of Enlightenment which led to the Scientific Revolution. Since this period science has constantly been revolting.
 
 
==Modern period==
 
[[File:Nintendont Workers.jpg|thumb|left|The Industrial revolution. Because happy workers were content workers, and content workers were lazy.]]
 
Revolting science, (otherwise known as the Scientific Revolution) led to the Industrial Revolution. This began in Great Britain and used new modes of production — the factory, mass production, and mechanisation — to manufacture a wide array of goods. This lead to the demoralisation and dehumanisation of the workforce. This was such a revelation in effective managerial techniques that by the late 16th century profits of the slave trade amounted to 5% of the British economy.
 
 
European expansion infiltrated almost every corner of the globe, including Asia, India, and Africa. The Americas, Australia and New Zealand were discovered as bright shining new lands that were ripe for settling, which came as a surprise to the people who had settled there for millennia already.
 
 
[[File:Slave1.jpg|thumb|right|The Americas were the land where everyone could be free, except those that weren't.]]
 
The desire for expansion was so great that the French decided to expand to take over France, which lead to a revolution. The European Americans saw how well that was working for them and decided to do the same. The American revolutionaries won their battle, which finally gave freedom to all Americans, so they could take part in the riches that were there for the taking in the African slave trade.
 
 
Inspired by the success of previous inquisitions, the Catholic Church relaunched it's own inquisition in 1623 as '''Congregation of the Holy Office of the Inquisition''', because if you're going to torture old ladies and say they are witches you need an official sounding title.
 
 
==Contemporary history==
 
===1900 to 1914===
 
The 20th century opened  with Europe at an apex of wealth and power, and with much of the world under its direct colonial control or its indirect domination. This was a time of peace and prosperity, when all the world was joined together in the bonds of fraternal feeling and the concepts of liberty and equality were felt worldwide.
 
 
===1914 to 1918===
 
[[Image:Helga-Adolf.jpg|thumb|right|The first half of the 20th century was a very peaceful time indeed.]]
 
Nothing much happened.
 
 
===1919 to 1938===
 
The world was suddenly a very different place, and the time of the European Empires came to a grinding halt. The Russians, seeing how well the Americans had done out of their revolution,<ref>The European descent Americans, that is. Native Americans and African Americans don't count.</ref> decided to have one of their own. This was a mixed success, where the ideals of communism became a reality, but at the same time, the reality of communism became a reality.
 
 
National pride wavered everywhere, and fascist and socialist regimes started to crop up in places like Italy and Germany, but of course these were no real global threat.
 
 
===1939 to 1945===
 
Even less happened.
 
 
===1945 to 2000===
 
Inspired by nothing of any real significance, the United Nations was founded in 1945. It goal was to allay conflicts among nations and prevent future wars. It didn't really work.
 
 
[[File:Man on moon.gif|thumb|left|Mankind walked upon the surface of another <s>planet</s> planetary body for the first time. They may do it again one day.]]
 
After an aborted<ref>Don't use that word!</ref> attempt to change their image earlier in the century, the Catholic Inquisition continued on until 1965, when it became the '''Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith''', which was not as concerned about witches but public relations. The previous head of the CDF, as they are commonly called, was instrumental in setting up the church practices relating to paedophilia.<ref>Often cited as the inspiration for the US Armies "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.</ref> He was forced to relinquish his position as the head of the CDF when he was appointed the role of Pope in 2005.
 
 
At this stage the two major national powers were the United States and Soviet Russia. There was a significant level of distrust between the two nations, but due to the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction they did not engage in war against each other directly. Instead they circled around each other like two cats, unsure if they were going to fight or procreate.
 
 
In the stead of a direct war, America chose instead to arm and train other countries to wars in an effort to destabilise the Soviet menace. This included the extremely wise choice of supporting, arming, and training Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, and arming and training Afghanistan freedom fighters like Osama bin Laden.
 
 
In hindsight, this may have been a mistake.
 
 
===21st century===
 
[[File:Social-Network-Map3.png|thumb|right|A map of the internet showing just how much nicer the world is when we can all just talk.]]
 
At the turn of the century mankind discovered a new peace and understanding. Technological breakthroughs meant the the world now had an infinite supply of energy, and the advent of the Robotic Revolution meant that mankind no longer had to work to sustain itself, and people worldwide lived in a state of luxury that their ancestors only dreamed of.
 
 
The hover car and jet pack - and later the teleporter - made travel easier, and broke down geopolitical boundaries as a result. International understanding was reached as translation devices allowed all people to share ideals. The world finally learned to live in harmony, and all mankind had universal healthcare and access to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.<ref>If you could make up your own history of the world, wouldn't you want it to end this way?</ref>
 
 
==References==
 
<small><references /></small>
 

Revision as of 07:10, January 19, 2013

“7”
~ The Complete History of the World
“OK. THAT would be a MOVIE. WE are learning about REALITY.”
~ John Hesting on World History

Following is the Complete History of the World, as approved by the powers that be.


Chapter II: Intermittent Stuff Between Genesis and Ancient Greece

“The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does”

1. Cain and Abel

After Adam and Eve's fall from grace, which ends the story of the first nudist colony, they put on clothes, grovelled in the dirt, and eventually produced the twins Sweet Cain and Abel Ready 'n Willing to support them in their old age.

Cain and Abel lived together harmoniously at first, with Cain going into agriculture and Abel into shepherding, allowing Adam and Eve to eat well. However, it came time to offer God some presents, and Cain offered him a vegetarian meal, while Abel offered him a steak dinner. Guess what? God snubbed Cain's offering for Abel's, pissing Cain off and causing him to decide to kill Abel, becoming the first male college roommate love triangle in history.

And so, come the next morning, Cain invited Abel out for a walk, promptly ably killing him with his cane. God, the Ultimate RoboCop, who saw it all, decided that a lightning bolt was too good for him, and that the only appropriate punishment would be to wander the Earth forever, without his cane (did I mention he was bow-legged, club-footed and lame after catching his foot in a reaper?).

2. Noah

After a long boring series of begats, the story of Noah (AKA Dr. No) of Crab Key begins.

Noah was born with skin as white as snow, and after all the begatting he was the only moral person left in a world of lecherous greedy murderous slime, like our modern-day world. God, pissed off at sin not just inside but outside the Garden of Eden, decided that expulsion to Venus was too good for them, and mass drowning of vermin without trial or due process was called for, a typical example of his reason and justice. However, since he still wanted to be amused by humans, he ordered Noah to construct Noah's Ark with help from Gomer Pyle and the U.S. Marine Corps, and rounded up breeding pairs of every air-breathing species to stock it with, and cut Noah a little slack by allowing his sons and wives to board with the livestock to repopulate the Earth.

God gave Noah 100 years to do it, and he needed it, losing decades with court fights with rights groups protesting his exclusion of same-sex animal couples on the Ark, and the Environmental Protection Agency, which forced him to spend millions filing an environmental impact statement.

But the job got done, and God promptly pulled the Big Toilet Handle and flooded the Earth, causing the former critics eat shit and try to climb on board, only to see God himself close the door with his Big Finger, flipping them the Holy Bird.

After sailing without a rudder, oar or sails for a year to make sure that all the corpses were past the stinking stage, the Ark landed on Mount Ararat, where it remains to this day, just look it up on Virtual Earth.

You would think that after all that, nobody would ever sin again. But within years Noah himself was planting vineyards and hashish, and getting stoned and drunk, until he was caught masturbating in his tent by his son Ham, who laughed at the old man for having such a small penis (which explains his high moral stand, but nobody was supposed to know that), angering Noah, who cursed him, causing him to instantly turn black (with help from God, probably), after which God cursed Ham's descendants to always have to slave for rich old Jews, along with the goyim.

Later, after the Earth was repopulated again, and the buggers went right back to their lecherous ways, God burnt to the ground the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to stop sodomy and gomorrahy. (Don't ask how Hollyweird can thrive today, they pay Satan off.)

Chapter III.V: Feudal Japan

“Damn Japs!”
SwimCon
This image shows elite Japanese Samurai in an underground hideout.

During this period the Wangda-Banga-Chang-Zang pact of 400 B.C. was still in affect so Emperor Who-Ha-gangda-hanga-Wangda the XVIII Decided that The Japs should declare war on pitates causing the great rice war of 1323.

Landlubber
An artist's depiction of a fruit bowl ninja. You see, the artist was actually trying to paint a fruit bowl at the time, and it was only when he finished and looked at the painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.

Chapter III: The History of Ancient Greece: Philosophical, Democratic, and Culinary

“In Greece wise men speak and fools decide.”
~ Alexander Santayana

The next great breakthrough in Western civilization was the glorious civilization of Ancient Greece, the inventor of philosophy, music, nude sculpture, athletics (nude of course), Greek love and lesbianism, also ouzo, goat cheese, democracy and My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Of course, as with later European civilization, ancient Greece did not arrive at the absolute summit of enlightenment without a religious foundation, not the screwed-up Hebrew Bible, but the way cooler Iliad and Odyssey, by Home Boy, AKA Homer.

The Iliad and The Odyssey, written in the 9th century B.C., was filled with great action scenes and a wee bit of gay love. The plot, chronicling the epic conflict between two major condom manufacturers, centers on Achilles, a warrior who narrowly escaped being being charbroiled and eaten by his mother Thetis, then ran away to become immortal for boning and kicking Trojan butt. Remarkably enduring, The Iliad was refilmed for the 38th time in 2004 starring Brad Peachpit and Eric Banana, who did the wild thing out in the front lines so everybody could watch.

Homer, the greatest poet in history until Dr. Seuss, was only one of Greece's many major intellectual figures, because Greece was bustling with brainy dudes wearing robes and sandals who did nothing for a living, including Socrates (who people still talk about despite the fact he spent most of his time asking stupid questions like "Wwhy does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" and "How are babies made?"), Pythagoras (who, despite being a self-proclaimed advocate of logic brought on his own death via an irrational fear of corn fields and the eating of beans), and Aristotle (who invented the syllogism).

Speaking of syllogisms, they became the basis of all Western rational thinking, which explains why the West is so screwed up. A typical example: "My stapler is red. The sky in an apocalyptic drawing made by a kindergartner is red. Therefore, my stapler will fill the sky in an apocalyptic world."

Greece was actually many city-states, such as Sparta, Poughkeepsie and Moscow, but the one that gained the most fame was Athens, the first place where guys with long beards and no visible means of support could enjoy being in the in-crowd. From this city came the beginnings of democracy in 507 B.C. under Cleisthenes, who spearheaded a revolt against dictatorship, not for himself alone, but "in partnership with the people". Athenian Democracy was a new form of government far superior to any that had come before it, as it allowed for the people, namely, the citizens to have a voting say in governmental affairs, excluding of course women, slaves, the poor, Jews, blacks, aliens, or those resisting sexual advances made by the aristocrats (red-haired people had their difficulties too). It works by locking the voters in a room together until they find a topic they disagree over, then argue about it for weeks without resolution, until they get tired and go home. This replaces the long history of monarchs who can make instant decisions that cost thousands of lives with a new system that acomplishes nothing and retains the status quo.

Chapter IV: Alexander the Great

“[He] must be too mean-spirited to get contentment from sitting by a woman.”
~ Bertolt Brecht on Alexander the Great

Alas, Athenian democracy, regardless of its perfection of the Peter Principle, did not last, as by 340 B.C. Philip II of Macedonia had swept through, crushing the city-states and unifying them into one collective nation. However, in 336 B.C., just as he was getting somewhere, Philip II was killed by his gay bud Pausanias over a misunderstanding at a tupperware party.

Enter his son and heir Alexander III the Great. Tutored by Aristotle from birth, Alexander was renowned by the age of 18 for his desire to bone his mother and for his boundless ego, caused by Aristotle pumping him while telling him that he was "probably the son of Zeus" at age 8, arrived at by his famous syllogism: "Zeus has a white beard. Philip II is Alexander's father, and he also has a white beard. Therefore, there is at least a 50/50 chance Alexander is the son of Zeus." (You know when I tickle your belly and you have that moment of "Oh, yeah"?)

Too bad, his colleagues in the army all considered him a flagrant imbecile, and their beliefs were validated during his invasion of Persia, when he spontaneously decided after a night of drunken partying to burn down Persepolis, a city containing the ancient world's finest architecture. Given that cities in Persia were pillaged every second weekend or so, still, wouldn't you expect more from someone who has been labeled "the Great"? That's why the first use of the epithet was made by Roman general Pompey two hundred-odd years later so he could apply it to himself.

On June 11th, 323 B.C., while trying to round up an army to invade India, Alexander croaked of malaria in the foul town of Baghdad, leaving no heir to take over his sprawling empire of blonde butt-boning Greeks, causing chaos as his four main generals split it four ways and caused the Age of the Bleached Blondes to begin.

Chapter V: Jesus and Rome, With No Particular Emphasis on the Former

“Rome wasn't unbuilt in 15 minutes.*”
  • I actually made this quote up.

Following the fall of Greece, questions began to arise among the intelligentsia as to which nation would eventually fill the shoes of the great superpower. While the smart money in Vegas was on China, India, or Parthia (Afghanistan, home of Osama Bin Laden), it actually turned out to be darkhorse Rome, a small city founded by two handicapped retarded twins, Romulus and Remus, who grew up sucking wolf tit, which shriveled their brains.

Many cities today share descent from ancient Rome. Chief among these is Washington D.C., the capital of the United States. Rome was originally built on seven hills, the 7th (Capitol Hill) used as a prison to quarantine nut cases, like Washington D.C.'s Capitol Hill today.

Rome got off to a slow start, but since this was ancient history they could take all the time they wanted. Romulus, the eldest of the two retards, actually founded the city as a practical joke, becoming another proof of Aristotle's famed theoretical formula that states that when moronic people attempt to do moronic things their stupidity tends to backfire and lead to greatness.

Also according to Aristotle's formula, the Roman Senate was regularly filled with the dumbest citizens of Rome, or those who lost their licenses and were still on the road.

At first satisfied with their seven shitty hills, the Romans eventually decided to strike out and build the Roman Empire. A few hundred years later, Julius Caesar became the Man, not only popular with aristocrats but with commoners for inventing the Caesar Salad and the Caesarian Section so that thin runway models could have children too, and all those fat women could be dispensed with, although this later led to Roman soldiers becoming weak skinny whimps that were no match for the German and other barbarians.

Around this time, Rome's greatest writer Virgil was born. In the ancient world, based on the Greek example, everyone who was unemployed was either a philosopher or a poet, and, as philosophers still had to teach two classes a week at the Academy, Virgil decided to become a poet. The Aeneid, his magnum opus, was shamelessly plagiarized from The Iliad, for which God sent him to Hell, where he was put in charge of giving tours of the Underworld, as documented in Dante's Inferno, where he became famous for the soundbyte that he thought Satan would look "scarier in person."

The all-too brief period of peace and prosperity enjoyed under Julius Caesar was abruptly ended on the Ides of March of 44 B.C., when Brutus and a bunch of other jealous senators assassinated him, leading to the division of Rome into two parts by a pair of wannabe Caesars, Marc Antony and Octavian. Marc Antony, who coulda been a contender screwed up by allowing Cleopatra to pussywhip him, allowing Octavian to defeat him at Actium in 30 B.C., then after getting him out of the way, rise to power in 27 B.C. as the first Roman emperor, reinstating the Roman Senate as a stage show while he pulled all the strings, making him the first Godfather.

Just as Augustus' reign got into high gear, a pesky little historical event occurred in a remote part of the Empire: the birth of Jesus Christ. Yes, we're back to the Bible, but this time it's Bible II: The New Testament, as after all these years the Jewish Writers Union decided to try a comeback after being on the Hollywood Blacklist long enough to be ready to push anything that would sell, no matter how crappy.

The Jesus Story starts out like any Hebrew prophet, railing against the Jews for falling out of the True Faith of Jehovah and being plotted against by the power structure, religious and civil. His main activity was to wander around the streets of Jerusalem handing out homemade signed cards which he claimed were good for the redemption of either three venial sins or one mortal sin, only one shekel donation required. In addition, he regularly preached to crowds of onlookers, claiming to be the Son of God, the punch line being that his mother was the best whore in Israel, pimping her for big shekels, which infuriated the Jewish religious authorities, who never received a kickback. When asked at the time, God declined to comment, though he did request that his name not be associated with Jesus anymore, leaving it to his Jewish priests to finish him off.

In light of God's request and Jesus' "dine-and-dash" approach toward paying the bill for the Last Supper, the Jews decided that he had to go, and after a bunch of conspiracy theorists' stuff, procurator Pontius Pilate (the Roman general appointed to keep the peace in Jerusalem) ordered Jesus executed for treason. However, as the books composing the New Testament were later picked by Romans during the Council of Nicea in 325, we may never know what really happened, or who killed Kennedy, a lone gunman or a government conspiracy. Luckily for us moderns, Mel Gibson the noted archaeologist set us all straight with his historical reconstruction titled The Passion of the Christ, in which he proves that he runs the town and all wars were started by the Jews.

Following Augustus' reign, one of Rome's most popular emperors, Nero, came to power. Named after a CD-burning software package by his mother Agrippina, Nero decided early in his reign that it would be a humorous irony for him to burn down one of Rome's largest residential quarters while he fiddled and masturbated in his toga. However, after the public failed to relate to his sense of humor, which had now forced thousands of Romans into vagrancy, Nero quickly reconciled his popularity by blaming the pesky Christians and constructing a large theme park in the burned area, lit by Christian human torches.

Aside from being a total pinhead, like the average Roman citizen, Nero was also widely praised for his decision to appoint his favourite horse to the Senate, who, when given veto power (by virtue of being able to say "neigh") over which reforms should be introduced, ultimately led Rome to a period of greater prosperity than they had seen in decades. A tactful politician, Nero retained his popularity by regularly feeding pesky Christians to the lions in the Colosseum, which was especially fun to watch when they were young beautiful women.

As he found almost everything funny, Nero is frequently credited with inventing the Yo Momma Joke, which in 68 B.C. led to a revolt among the commoners, who wouldn't stand for insults to their mothers. While it was long thought that Nero was assassinated, an ancient inscription by Suetonius that he "slit his own throat while shaving" has cleared it up.

After Nero's death in well-named 69, a power struggle ensued, resulting in four emperors in one year, followed by a bunch of equally cruddy bumbs succeeding him over four centuries, none of whom are worth mentioning. What really matters, though, is Hadrian's Wall, which, according to historians of ancient Chinese heritage, was supposed to be built to protect China from invading parties. Unfortunately, as the builder commissioned to construct the wall was Irish, he got drunk and built it in Britannia, which to him was China. The lesson learned is don't let an Irishman build your wall, because it might end up 6,000 miles away from where it was intended to be.

As the Roman Empire's power and influence weakened in the 5th century, it quickly became the place for barbarians on the make to hang out and pillage. However, after a particularly bad summer when Rome was sacked a total of 9,000 times by Huns, Visigoths and Ostrogoths (who are the Goths who prefer to ravage cities looking for Astros tickets), the Germanic Visigoth chieftain Odoacer forced the last Roman emperor in the West, Romulus Augustus (AKA Love Bogo), to abdicate, in return for a pension and lots of young boys.

Accepting a permanent shift in the powers-that-be, the Roman Catholic Church, now the largest support group in the world, held a board meeting in Rome before deciding that, in light of the new Northern European supremacy, they would kiss butt while simultaneously dispatching missionaries to their homelands in the hope of converting them to their superstition and recouping much of the capital they had invested in sustaining a slipshod Roman economy. Much to the delight of the Southern European popes, the campaign to culturally assimilate Northern Europe proved wildly successful, so much so that not only was the term "barbarian" adopted in the West as a pejorative term to describe someone who lacks manners, but the barbarians, who had previously been responsible for the destruction of the Roman Empire, would spend the better part of the next 2000 years attempting to recreate it in London, Paris, Moscow and Berlin.

Chapter VI: *Drumroll* The Dark Ages

"What be can say about the Teutonics? They were the n00bs of the cruzades. They were pwn3d manytimes by the Muslims. They worn a not too nice white robe with a black cross, which symbolizes "Hey dude, we are the Templars, really! Ok you get me, the Templars has a red cross, but...We ownz all!" - Darklunius, Internet Gamer

Ranked by Harper's Index as the second least awesome historical era next to the 20th century, the 7th-10th centuries are commonly described by historians as being characterized by disease, scientific regression, and widespread ignorance. On the contrary, the Dark Ages (as they are often called) were one of the most progressive times in human history, not just because they had really nifty stuff like knights, dungeons, dragons, etc., but also because several different remarkably innovative concepts were pioneered during this time, including crop rotation, iron-rich diets, and heavy plows.

In fact, it was not until the time of Petrarch, an Italian poet and early humanist, that people began to look down upon the way in which society was organized in the "Dark Ages". Frankly, in historical retrospect, it's hard to see why Petrarch's opinion was relevant, as all he ever really succeeded in doing was condemning a peaceful pre-modern agricultural society (Western Europe) and learning how to speak Greek, though in his translation of the Iliad the lisping twit actually gargles the manly cadences of the original. Never mind this, though. Petrarch is leading the world into a new age of enlightenment, and Western Europeans are a bunch of monkeys.

Let's review his progress. Western Europeans have the plague and smell bad. Petrarch, by contrast, has the plague, smells bad, and speaks Greek. Wow, I can just feel that Renaissance coming, can't you?

The reality is that, despite what Petrarch thought, Western Europe was a very sophisticated place, with a penchant for the arts and literature which made Renaissance Italy's look pathetic in comparison. Charlemagne, for example, encouraged people to read and write, all the while studying the works of St. Augustine, conquering Europe, getting crowned Holy Roman Emperor and nailing three or four concubines every night. Ever hear of a little thing called Beowulf, Petrarch? Or the poetry of Walafrid Strabo? The stuff he wrote about his garden was so great it was lifted by Tupac.

Several remarkable battles occurred during the Dark Ages, including, perhaps most notably of all, the Crusades, which began in 1095 after Peter the Hermit talked the pope into it, and which won a big victory in 1099 with the capture of Jerusalem, only to face the hard fact that the entire area is run by Muslims and they will eventually reconquer it. After a Muslim victory, a new crop of Crusader dopes in 1145 A.D. were talked into the lamer effort with the promise of a a helmet with a fancy cross on it, marching off to kick Muslim butt and rape Muslim women (later becoming the national sport of the United States), crossing through Spain to the Holy City of Jerusalem, where capturing the Holy Tomb of Christ was supposed to be worth it. Too bad, in 1187 A.D., Saladin recaptured the Holy Land, granting clemency to the Christian army and their families so they could go back to Europe and tell people that it wasn't worth it. Subsequently, the most highly respected thinkers in all of Western Europe held a conference, and decided that if their adult armies could not defeat the Muslims, surely armies comprised entirely of children could. Too bad, the several thousand children sent to fight in the Children's Crusade were all captured long before their arrival in the Middle East, and sent to work as slaves in Africa, later inventing marathon running and basketball.

Another conflict worthy of mention is the one fought in by Joan of Arc, the Hundred Years' War (which, for the record, actually went on 116 years). At the impressionable age of thirteen, Joan began hearing voices, which she attributed too God and his angels, not dissociative identity disorder caused by her pedophile daddy sneaking in at night. The voices told her to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, she found a sword, thus proving herself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of France. When commanding her soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming title of "She Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France". She led her men to several great victories before being reminded that she was a Frog, who always lose their wars, after which she promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try her as a witch for dressing like Madonna on the Virgin Tour.

Hopping through the boring stuff...

In 1478 A.D. the Spanish Inquisition began, which, despite being often attributed to the Catholic Church, was actually a ploy by the Spanish monarchy to better their fledgling financial situation by killing Jews and Muslims (whose lives everyone knows are expendable) and confiscating their assets. In this regard, the Inquisition could be viewed in much the same light as the modern War on Terror. Remarkably, the University of Portugal's academic report which suggested that the impoverishment of Europe during the Dark Ages could be curbed simply by murdering tens of thousands of infidels must've been correct, as by 1600 A.D. the majority Europe had entered the Renaissance, an era viewed as superior to the one which preceded it. This perception exists not only because fine rugs began being imported to Europe during this time, but also because widespread literacy caused a plethora of Italian sonnets to be written, not a single one of which is worth reading today, but back then made the Billboard 100.

As the Spanish Inquisition was an act of genocide, a word which is the antithesis of genesis, the point from which this essay began, we will stop here. So goes the huge leaps of progress made by humankind from the year 5,632 B.C. to 1,600 A.D.. Besides, little of interest occurred in the Renaissance, save maybe Henry VIII founding his own religion and becoming his own pope because of a low sperm count.

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