History of Sweden
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“For a country I am supposed to hate, Sweden is very... meek.”
“That party is not dead which may eternally be re-elected, and within strange eons, even capitalism may die.”
“If I actually hated freedom, I'd bomb Sweden.”
The history of Sweden is a history full of glorious atrocities and bloody kings; or perhaps it is the other way around. It is the number one most secular country in the world (only Iceland actually has a higher percentage of secular humanists, atheists and agnostics), and this fact has thoroughly affected the course of history. A popular theory during the nineteenth century was that Sweden didn't come into existence until 1827. Most modern-day historians think that Sweden was specifically created by the Pope during World War II in order to be secretly allied with the Nazis.
However, most Swedes live under the impression that Sweden has a long history. This long timeline of theirs is an invention by Elias Lönnrot, "the Tolkien of the North" famous for his three semi-erotic dark fantasy/steampunk novels based on Scandinavian "collective" mythology (Forbidden Love in Kalevala: A Story of Aino and Väinämöinen, Without Brass Underwear in Valhalla and Dude, where's my Magic Mill that Produces an Eternal Stream of Golden Coins?), who interestingly was a Swede living during the nineteenth century. This article on Swedish history describes Swedish history as Lönnrot would've wanted it.
There are many views on how, why and by who Sweden was conceived; the three most popular ones are presented below. Notice that all of these conflict with the general underdstanding of the age of Universe as well as the idea of continental movement, but the Swedish population seems to not care, which isn't odd, considering how "who gives a damn?" and "it is important that we take all possibilities into consideration" accurately sum up the Swedish views on science. The three creation theories given the most credence are known as: Creatio ex Vaticanum, the Scandinavian Twelfth Planet Theory (STPT) and of course the infamous Svedala Aliens Hypothesis.
- Creatio ex Vaticanum is a scientific theory of creation so embarrassing even Creationists have disowned it. It´was forwarded by Ulf Arnmeyer, Ph.D and the President of the Conservative Neo-Christians against Nazism, Catholicism, Racism and Atheism Party (CNNCRAP), in 1988. He wrote, in a famous booklet known as Geology on Trial, that Pope Pious IIX invoked the power of his false, catholic god (known as "Allah" in many of Dr. Arnmeyer's texts) in 1939 in order to create Sweden "ex nihilo." This was done in order to make Sweden join WWII, secretly aiding the Nazis. About 0.6% percent of the Swedish population believes this to be true (Gallup, 1992).
- Scandinavian Twelfth Planet Theory is supported by the Swedish Friends of Zecharia Sitchkin, a New Age movement hell-bent on destroying capitalism. They claimed that, while the rest of the world came about according to the current theories of geological change, Sweden specifically was created by aliens from the Twelfth Planet, known as the Nephilim. The Sumerian verse "an elongated phallos of the north extended from Ea's merciful body" from an unidentified tablet written during Ur-Nammu I's reign is quoted as supporting this stance.
- The Svedala Aliens Hypothesis was forwarded by Örjan P., a farmer from Norrbotten, who rose to considerable fame after allegedly experiencing an alien abduction. He said that the aliens came from the planet Xaghool millions of years ago in order to build a spaceport in what today is known as Svedala. For some reason, debris rained down from the heavens during the construction of the port, and Sweden was formed. Örjan P. sadly died when confronting the Swedish Friends of Zecharia Sitchkin; from a "telepathic overload" as his "alien masters tried to send him battle to him mentally," some of his more devout followers said.
Considering the attitude towards science presently found in Sweden, it looks like any serious inquiry of the geographical past of Scandinavia is doomed.
Stone & Bronze Ages
Sweden lagged behind in scientific terms during this unfortunate epoch. When the rest of produced wonders like the Sphinx, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Mausoleum at Helikarnassos and the Colossus of Democratic Rep. of Rhodesia, Swedish rocket scientists struggled hard to fully understand what a rock could be used for. One major breakthrough was when the King of Birka, Bjalfr Maugfrilsson in 2043 BC discovered that gneiss was inedible; he then proceeded to use the rock to smash the head of the King of Umeå out of spite. Thus the first real weapon was invented, and large-scale warfare was well under way by 2011 BC, when the people of Birka, armed with dangerous minerals and other sharp stones all of a sudden attacked the nearby settlement of Lund.
Bjalfr's son, Bjalfr. W. Maugfrilsson (sometimes called Bjalfr Dubya Maugfrilsson by American historians) managed to unite Birka, Lund and Svedala under a single banner. A relatively short time of piece was followed by the rebellion of the communal politician and workers' ombudsman Grendel Narksson, who lived in Lund. The Battle of Saxtorp (back then called Sékstaurpr, which means "Plaza of Sex") was one of the bloodiest battles in Swedish history. Indeed, so horrible it was that no scribe dared to mention it ever again, and all evidence was dumped into the ocean. Some even believe that the Municipality of Saxtorp fabricated the story in a pathetic attempt to gain international fame. Those people are generally regarded as idiots.
The next one thousand and five hundred years are generally referred to as the Period of Peaceful Decadence, during which the Empire of Birka slowly declined until it was but a shadow of its former self. An evil, monastic order that worshipped Odin (known as the "Vikings") rebelled in 466 AD and killed off their good counterparts, the Socialdemokraterna, in a way reminiscent of the final destruction of the Jedis in Star Wars III, which was, in my opinion, a fairly good movie. I mean, Hayden Christensen did a wonderful job as Anakin, especially with the whole going mad business, and General Grievous looked abolustely evil. I have to agree, though, that the dialogue of some scenes was a tad weak, but that hardly-- oh, perhaps we should return to topic.
Viking propaganda was spread aggressively throughout their land. Jaurmgrandr Skurklesson, a rune-scribe of some fame, produced several "Odin Tracts" revealing to all Swedes the wonderful truth of the Aesir. Conversely, the rival Vanir sect was banned by an official degree from the Chief of Birka in 501 AD. Common propaganda phrases included "Odin has a very large spear he likes to impale people with; and if you don't convert, he'll impale you too," "Big Brother Odin sees all, 'cuz he has two crows, Hugin and Munin" and of course "the only way to Hel is not through Odin." There were also several "4 Kidz" runic stones being made, but they never got any popular.
The Vikings raided the civilized world at that time, making their name as one of the most brutal and barbarous ethnical groups ever to walk the face of Earth. They went plundering as far as the Americas (the Mayan king P'ol Seven Pot commented the whole business by saying, "The Scandinavian invasion has caused us much grief. They trample our holy cities, commenting the beautiful architecture. They walk our sacbe causeways like tourists. They do not understand even the simplest words we speak, such as 'do not touch this murial'. The Maya are doomed") and South Africa. The even raided the lost ark several hundred years before Indiana Jones. Indeed, the famous Jävla Sten (the Stone of Jävel), a runic inscription dating from 788 A.D., prooves that the Vikings very well could've sailed such long distances since, after all, the valkyries were pulling their ships along.
During the medieval times, Sweden was constantly modernized. For example, the Swedes invented a thing called clothes, followed by the introducing of modernity’s such as houses, cities and even functional government. During the medieval ages, most Swedes where neo-pagans, worshipping the Sun God and a great entity known as "Den Wäldige Swänsk," (The Great Swede), who is in fact exactly the same as Sweden's modern day prime-minister Göran Persson.
Some more famous kings during this era were Bigger Jarl and his brother Louder Snarl.
When neo-paganism became unpopular during the 1970, thanks to the disco movement, most Swedes converted to Christianity again.
The first Swedish knight was dubbed Sir Skurkenhielm, but he was ripped of his knighthood due to involvement in Anti-Smurf movements. Several civil wars followed, mainly about the credit of writing Harry Potter. When the most ferocious civil war of them all ended, in 1388, the Swedish government was reformed from monarchy to monarchy.
In 1412, King Göran XXVI Adolf experienced a surprise attack by a dinosaur. Fortunately, the king managed to drive his spear into the throat of the beast, leaving it to die. This event has subsequently become a legend, proudly referred to as king Göran slaying the dragon. At this point in time, the dragon depicted on a white rectangular cloth was adopted as the first official flag of Sweden. In the early 21st century, the flag was simplified according to modernist ideals, thus abandoning the dinosaur design in favour of the current yellow cross on blue background design.
1467 the Danes invaded Sweden, which the Swedes really disliked. The Danish king, Christian the Unnecessarily Cruel then committed one of the worst atrocities in history. He gathered all the Swedish nobles on the main plaza in Stockholm and sung "Magic Dance" by David Bowie. This occasion later became known as “The Bowiebath of Stockholm.” It is still celebrated in Sweden, under the name “Schlager.”
A young man who witnessed the Bowiebath was Gustav Vasa, who is in fact worshipped instead of Virgin Mary in some Christian Sects (where he is announced as the “Mother of Jesus”). Vasa fled after the Bowiebath with the ambition of becoming “da King” of Sweden, or as the position was called then, “Then Mektige Konung.”
He actually fled to the castle of Christian the Unnecessarily Cruel, which historians believe was called Castle Grankendorm. Some historians believe that Vasa and the pope was the same person, although with a split personality, as Vasa was a devout worshipper of the Sun God (later, he became the Vatican).
Gustav Vasa dressed himself up like a Dane, that is, in wooden shoes and Greek national dress. He also called himself Gustæv Væsa in order to pass for a Dane. He planned his revenge for a week, and then returned to Sweden. Most Swedes mistook him for a Danish person, and most Danes mistook him for a Swede. He was chased out from Stockholm by two drunken Danish sailors, and hid in “Then Wackra Noorden,” that is, the northern part of Sweden.
Though having great visions of the freedom of Sweden, Vasa ended up as an officially employed drunkard in Västerås. One day, while chasing a small kid who had stolen his beard, the patron saint of Sweden, Saint Christian the Unnecessarily Cruel, appeared and told him to die. Vasa, who was drunk and confused at the moment, killed Saint Christian the Unnecessarily Cruel, and was then celebrated as a hero by the Swedes.
Vasa was elected king of Sweden, without him knowing anything of it. He lived long and prosperous, starting many organizations such as “Inquisitors against Plumbers” and “Expe-dition Robinson.” He is, contrary to popular belief, in fact dead. Also, contrary to popular belief, he was never a cyborg.
Sweden entered the crusades era in 1607, which was a bit too late. The most famous of all Swedish crusaders is Jan Guillou. A biography of Jan Guillou is available, written by Arn (the three books are called “Guillou and the SÄPO Scandal,” “The Naughty Boys at Stjärnsborg” and of course, “The Way to Jet-Set Life in Jerusalem.”)
Sweden was torn apart by even more civil wars during the crusades era, between Tupaq Inka and Atahuallpa Inka, who had fled the Spanish conquest of Peru in order to continue their struggle for the Inka Throne.
The Swedish church invented a number of seemingly unnecessary laws, such as a curfew for unemployed and homeless Swedes between sunrise to sun fall. The punishment for disobeying was death, and so, most homeless and unemployed where executed. The whole process, known as “Disobeyers of Unemployed Curfew Law Process,” which is not as nearly as famous as the Witch Process.
In 1623 a group of Spanish conquistadors arrived in Stockholm, mistaking Sweden for the New World yet again. Due tot his insult, Sweden declared war on Spain, only to chicken out before the first battle. This was mainly because the Swedish army only consisted of chickens and Swedes.
In the 1600's, Sweden enjoyed fucking shit up in Brandenburg (more commonly known as Prussia). They liked to raep little children and freeze old people to death. They continued this until 1641 until they made a truce with them. Sweden definitely owned Prussia's ass.
The Battle for Lund and Los Bandidos Svedalas
The mean Danish attacked Lund 1661. The League of Evil, now in charge of Denmark, ordered the attack. The Swedes fought valiantly at the Lesser Hills of Christendom, just outside Lund. Just when the Swedish where about to win, the Danish employed their secret weapon, the “Bruce Springsteen Beam.”
Half the Swedish army was turned into Bruce Springsteen-fans. Most historians’ debate from whence the Bruce Springsteen Beam originated, but it is believed that Springsteen himself handed it to the Danish after traveling through time. When he was asked, he said:
“Baby, I was born to run.”
In any case, the Danish turned half the Swedish army into Bruce Springsteen-fans. For the Swedes, it seemed like all hope was lost. Suddenly, Superman who traveled in time together with Bruce Springsteen killed the League of Evil. The Danish immediately withdrew.
There was no cure whatsoever for the Bruce Springsteen fans, so the Swedish slaughtered them. Some, however, got away forming an underground guerilla movement (in fact, they even marked their headquarter on various maps, in order to get everyone to understand how hidden they were). The Swedes started calling them Los Bandidos Svedalas, because they hid in the Svedala area (Svedala was built by aliens).
King Zeke Wolf of Three Pigs outlawed Bruce Springsteen in whole Sweden, leading a brutal war against Los Bandidos Svedalas.
King Carols the Twelfth
The greatest king ever to rule Sweden was born in a far far away land, named by his parents the name Sveg Carols. Like Vasa, he was ahead of his time, introducing the spoon to Sweden. Earlier, most Swedes had gone by using pitchforks when eating. He was elected dictator through a democratic election, and immediately attacked Russia. His hate for Russia was due to his extensive Russophobia, originating in him being partially a Russian.
He led his troops to Poland first, and dethroned the king, before realizing it wasn’t Russia he was in. He continued his march to Ukraine, yet again realizing it wasn’t Russia. Eventually, he settled in Turkey, and called himself Abdullah-Sveg.
Being well educated, Carols spoke several languages, and among them Arabic, which he used to communicate with the Turks (and the Finnish and the Germans, as he believed these languages were actually different dialects of Arabic). This eventually got him into trouble, and he had to work as a weaver.
Carols had a great sense of humor, which made the sultan of Turkey angry. Turkish troops attacked Carols encampment the twenty-fourth of December. Carols and his republican troops, who were out caroling, had to defend the encampment all by themselves. They surrendered after a battle that lasted fifteen minutes, bribing the sultan to let them go.
Carols returned to Sweden, inventing the conventional Swedish greeting in the process (that is, the famous “Cry Sly, Mr. Borgadorguck.”) He laid siege of Stockholm without knowing he already was the boss of the city. Carols was murdered by a walrus when he tried to find Santa Claus, looking in the wrong places (for more information, see his book “How I tried to find Santa: Travels in Northern Sweden.”)
His skull currently resides in Stockholm, being the only tourist attraction of historical worth in Sweden at all.
The Murder of King Crookid the Seventh
In the year 1772 King Crookid the Seventh was shot by Johan Anckarström, the Terminator’s brother sent back in time to eliminate various insignificant European kings, at a party. Crookid was shot in the head with a stapling machine. He died immediately, though not from the thumbtack. Instead, he was probably bored to death by the party.
Anckarström was accused of murder and arrested. He was however very cunning and escaped the juridical system of Sweden simply by playing insane. Some historians believe that Anckarström wasn’t clever enough, and that he simply told them he came from the future and thus deemed insane. However, the papers from the trial present another view:
Wi här i then swänscka domstolen har kommit fram till att Johan Anckarström är galen, icke för att han påstått sig hvara från framtiden, utan för att han påstått sig hvara Arnold Schwarzenegger’s brodher.
Direct translation: We officials of the Swedish Federal Bureau of Investigations have found Johan Anckaström insane, not because claiming future heritage of salmon the lord of macaroni, but because of claiming to be the brother of Arnold Schwarzenegger. What a nerd.
On the day of his execution, Anckarström was saved by the Terminator, as both then went looking for Sarah Connor.
The Eighteen Century: Explosives and Heavy Industry
Upon the advent of the steam engine, Sweden already lagged behind in terms of technology, since King Johannes Tröglodyte III had signed the Treaty of Swensson-Bulwer, which disallowed ordinary Swedish citizens from burning any kind of fossil fuel. Thousands of tons of coke and coal were confiscated by the government and sold to Germany in a desperate attempt to gain an economic advantage. When the industrialisation truly came, Britain and Germany became world-leading powers with strong economies and vast armies, whereas Sweden was reduced to a small, unimportant speck of land dangling like a minuscule yellow-blow, nationalistic penis between Norway and Finland, due to these late eighteent century fossil fuel policies. The first real factory -- which made door knobs and sold them to France -- was set up in Sweden around 1806, and this sparked a secondary industrial revolution confined to the northern reaches of Europe.
Due to poor foreign policies, Sweden lost four decisive wars against Turkey and its vile alleys Russia, Kazakhstan, Tibet and New Crobuzon. This embarrassing period became known as the Shame Years, for they were the last wars the minor monarchy ever participated in. February the fourth 1809, a joint Kazakhstani-Tibetan force routed King Johannes IV's army Oglostavyansk in Ural, which more or less spelled the doom for Swedish hegemony in southeastern Europe. Between 1810 and 1811, Duke Skurkenhiälm, the head of the royal army, tried to upgrade his troops by teaching them how to actually use those guns. They won a few unimportant victories during the Finland Campaign, but lost the Battle of Helsinki, which pitched the 3rd, 9nth, 10nth, 11nth and 14nth cavalry regements against a fifty thousand men strong Russian army. All in all, the Russians lost twenty-nine men over the course of the consecutive wars; Sweden, on the other hand, nearly drained half its population. And most of them died while trying to get to Finland anyway.
As a result, the Treaty of Shlatrokovsky was signed, which gave Russia and allies (sans Tibet) the right to, at any time they'd feel for it, demand that Sweden paid for the birthdays, marriages and so on of important government officials. King Johannes IV was dethroned and stripped of his noble title shortly thereafter, only to be re-elected as king Johannes V after dressing up as his own son. This caused some controversy, as he was the first monarch in history ever to manage two "mandate periods." He banned the parliament out of spite after these embarrassing turns of events.
Sweden lost Finland to Estonia in a game of dice 1812, and Estonia later lost Finland to Finland in a game of poker 1813. Sweden followed the process up by retaking Finland 1814, and then losing it again 1815, this time to the conquering Russians.
Many famous scientists from other countries were kidnapped and forces to work for the Swedish government in order to give the insignificant kingdom a scientific rise. The forefathers of the Mario Brothers, called Ye Olde Mario Brothers, saved most of these scientists. One who stayed in Sweden was Alfred Nobel, the famous inventor of the band rehearsal dynamite.
Suffering from the grim oppression by the king, the people collectively sued King Nörd the Insane. As Nörd was an American citizen, he committed suicide like a true Samurai. Later, the people realized how much they missed Nörd the Insane, and were all forced to say that they were sorry to his grave.
Nobel blew up the 1800 century when he experimented with explosives and Nanne Grönwall. The Swedish nineteenth century was set back fifty years, thus ending Sweden as a scientifically advanced country. In fact, the science advisor from Civilization III appeared and told the current king, King Oscar the Blue Meanie that “we’re a terribly backwards land! We can’t let this continue! Please invest more in science!”
Fifty years after the “backwarding” of Swedish technology and science, Sweden entered the nineteenth century.
World War I, II and III
Sweden sympathized with the Nazis during both WWI and WWII. The reason is thought to be that the Birth of "Nazi-bom" had been inspired by the Swedish Socialist "Moosedom" movement. Swedes' sympathy was more the reason of envy because of the bureaucratic rule of their Swedish State to not allow a copyright infrigment upon the Nazi's thefth of the Swedish doctrine of how to live a human life (to be read as Swedish life). Sweden would let others borrow the swedish way of life concept to be spread about in the Swedish Secrecy act, The "SSch" but could not themselves further any finale solution to any universal problem at hand. The Swedish Woodland State was very influential on the "Nazi Kriegswelt Kultur" at the time and Adolph Hitler, the Nazi's Fuhrer would himself argue that if it wasn't for Sweden, "nein Zwei Welt krieg" would ever had happened. In modern times the same powerful influences can be seen in both the ABBA indoctrination of The Limey Brit Umpire and the IKEA controversy. By having it's founder and chief administrator, IKEA and Ingvar "Adolf" Kamprad was suddenly known to have been brought up as a Tannenbaum-jungling predating Hitler's Jugends and being the sole builder of every piece of furniture in the Nazi Empire, Kamprad let himself be both praised and critized in his hometown of Socialist Sweden. The praise was mostly about how industrious Kamprad had been during the whole affair while the critic was that he had used the alternative surname of Speer instead of his own. Though his touch can be seen in every aspect of the "Laugh Labour Camps" or later renamed "LoL Camps" in the Slow days of the Internet age. Hitler even congratulated Sweden and Ingvar Kamprad in his children's book "Mein Kampfrad", translated into angloish as "My Battle bicycle". The Fuhrer seemed to have been particulary pleased by the "battle bicycle" or "fight bike" but the publisher missed the "rad" ("bicycle") part in printing and the book titled Mein Kampf had to be re-written. It's main themes seems to have been slightly altered from that of the story of a beautiful friendship between a little-known Austrian painter, brought into the Yiddish fold and a wonderful young jewish fraulein. How much of the original text that has still been left intact is unknown. The Kampf-rad had been designed by Ingvar Kamprad from the childhood Try-cycle-bike that he used to ride across Sweden during the Vasa-Bicycling Contests that are usually held every tenth year depending on the new millenium.
In and out of war
Sweden had involved itself on many sides during the war and everytime "it" (since Sweden is not a state of people but simply said to be "The State" it is usually it to the citizens of Sweden) was questioned about involvement Sweden would point to their nation's neutrality as being their free sovereign attitude to be involed and not be involved at the same time. The Prime Ministery of Head-moose Per Albin Hansson of the Socialist Moosedom kept Sweden out of WWI and WWII by declaring that all the countries that was part of it didn't exist, hence their was no war to speak of. The Socialist Moosedom of Sweden managed to govern accordingly to this doctrine of "having their pancake and eating it to" until late in 1986 when Olof "Adolph" Palme went to see a film at a local Cinema and was never heared from again. "Never heared from again" is the swedish way of telling the citizens of the country that they have probably been subjected to a violent crime but since violence was abolished in the year of our lord Ansgar and later re-abolished every tenth year in the new millenium "you" may be killed in Sweden but will never be told about it, hence you are never seen or heared from again. By keeping their revolving door spinning and themselves in- and outside of the geo-political scene when the rest of the world seazed to exist completely, the Socialist Moosedom of Sweden was the only remaining state in the known world and outside of Sweden there was no other world than the world Sweden could influence from savagery to Swedish socialist citizenry. Sweden also committed various atrocities the world around under the cover name Gyllene Tider, a militant com-munist-hippie-neo-pagan army serving the League of Evil. During WWIII that actually never occurred Swedish Prime Minister Per Albin Hansson was nowhere to be seen, having eaten himself when earlier falling into a bowl of peasoup and the waiter wasn't about to acknowledge flies in anyones soup, Swedish peasoup doesn't have flies and neither do Swedish soupjokes.
The People's Home
As Soviet Communist Humdrum and American Jingoist Monopoly ruled the known world, Sweden introduced the People's Home Socialist Model to let every swedish citizen retire at the date of their birth (this has since been changed to include every known progeny and possible child born on swedish soil). The swedes were brought up to want nothing and ask for nothing more than their share of the workload. Sweden was thoughtfully turned into the idealistic state to be an example for the rest of the world since the world wants to be swedish but doesn't know about it yeat. The motto was: "Live in peace", "be quiet when speaking" or "don't speak at all if you are not a socialist politican or influential socialist citizen", "work as if your life depended on it because your life do depend on it" and then go home to the wonderful "Retirement village of Sweden". In "The People's Home State", everyone is treated the same except for socialists that are a little more important than the other workers or citizens and the non-socialists that doesn't exist. The children are handled with the same care as the old, they are fed regulary, they are bathed and clothed and are brought out for little walks in the sunshine during the days (the sun is very modest in Sweden and so are the outside walks). Sometimes there are playgrounds, that are safe since safety is the code, in Sweden everything is safe. The People's Home State was strictly swedish and anything not of swedish decent or creation was declared non-existent. If something is introduced into Sweden it will either be swedish, turn out to have been swedish all along or be repelled because it doesn't really exist.
In Sweden everything is "The State". It is said that around the time when the spirit of the logical forefather Aristotele visited Sweden's little Bernadotte King/Non-King Carl Gustav the Sixteenth in his youtful dreams, Carl Gustav was given the Democratic knowledge of having democratic elections to sort out that the people only want "the one Socialist Moose party" to rule them all. It was the success of "The State of Plato". The king that was not the king was very influential in passing on the knowledge that Sweden was protected by The Greek Polis, "The State". The Greek Polis went around unquestioned doing the State's bidding. The time period that was already underway has said to be the beginning of the communist rule. Since Sweden is Sweden where things are and are not there was Socialism and work-ethic but no sides. Which makes many people living in Sweden confused on what side they're driving or what hand is right and which one is not since both hands are said to be hands, and when you wipe your behind with the left it might actually be the right, nobody seems to know and nobody seems to figure out which side is which. The king that was not king got to live in a castle as a king but at the same time got to dress and behave like a regular swede of non-royal descent. He was allowed to race cars and maim down old people and little children and would never get arrested in the monarchy and non-monarchy of Sweden. He made up for the potential negativity by doing PR-work outside of Sweden to sell the swedish model and make other human beings understand that they were in fact swedish and living in Sweden as well.
The Rise of Göran
Göran Persson -- or Grn'yihlathlakeh, as he is known in his native tongue -- was a wicked God floating through the Universe in the form of a vast ocean of greyish-green flesh, blubber, blistening mouths and tentacles that collided with our world in 1344. He has visited Tellus before, probably some three thousand years before the birth of Christ. This is mentioned on page 54 of the Egyptian Book of Dead, which reads: rwnt snbw3 ibywswt nfrtmnw3why ptrhwnf achmwnwf ("the false one, the one who speaks with the tongues of hatred, the red lord of madness"). For a time, he served Ramses II as the vizier of Libya, but betrayed him and impersonated a burning bush in order to make Moses revolt against his Egyptian overlords. Various theories regarding why he did this and exactly how he accomplished it are detailed in the Necronomicon, which some occultists suspect he co-authored with his good friend Abdul Alhazred, the Mad Arab. He left this Universe around 233 AD. Yet all was not well...
... for verily, it is the nature of good things to end...
... and with the help of a cabal of the most horrible evil masterminds ever to walk the face of Earth (Hitler, Stalin, Ganondorf, C. S. Lewis, Auric Goldfinger and General Custer), he managed to return to Earth once again, for unknown reasons. Indeed, the thoughts of those monstrous brains cannot be predicted or explained by mere humans. He was joined by two other Old Ones -- Shyb-Mannurath, known as Schyman, and Ohly-Sathla, the current head of the Stalinist-Maoist Party.
Modern Times and the Rule of Persson
The year 1985 Gudrun Schywoman became the ultimate leader of all Sweden, before being betrayed by her vizier Ingvar Kamprad (see article on Sweden for more information). Civil wars followed, both against Swedes residing in Sweden and Swedes residing outside Sweden. The outcome of these wars was the rise to power of Göran Persson, who had until then stalked in the shadows of Regeringskansliet.
Persson was brutal and efficient when it came to getting rid of political enemies. He forced dissidents to work as slaves under his secret ally, Ingvar Kamprad. Persson and Kamprad betrayed their allies in 1992, thus finally destroying the League of Evil. The League was reformed, now ruled by Persson with his ministers and secretaries at various positions. The New League of Evil commenced with their plan to turn Sweden into Soviet.
First, Sweden was terraformed into a shape resembling Soviet. During the brief Soviet fan age the Swedish government put up several communist-style buildings.
Sweden joined the Iraqi war as a “supporting nation,” and sent several cheerleader groups to support the US troops. Due to heavy over taxation, the Finnish government bought the Swedish troops and fed them to the pigs.
Teh pH4ll 0f L0rd P3rzz0n
In 1999 Sweden adopted L33t as the national language. Göran Persson is finally defeated in CounterStrike, and has to retreat to his evil castle in 2002, where he holds Qadaffi prisoner. He had captured the Libyan dictator months earlier and forces him to teach him the way of the Dark Side.
Persson’s troops where defeated at the fields of Pelennor. The demise of Persson was one of the most famous in military history. He and the League of Evil rode out from Göran’s Castle and surrounded the good troops of Leijonborg, high knight in the Order of the Lion. However, as Persson was mocking Leijonborg, the great Liberal Wizzard Reinfeldt appeared and attacked the League of Evil from behind.
The slaughter was supposedly terrible. Reinfeldt killed thousands with his ten thousand soldiers of justice. He also slayed the whole Miljöpartiet (which means something like “Millieu Party”), a group of eco-terrorists, and its two dark gods Peter Eriksson and Maria Wetterstrand, and was finally killed by Leif Pagrotsky, Persson’s wicked sidekick.
At the end of the battle, Persson was captured but he managed to escape. It is unknown where he fled, but some people speculate about Rwanda or perhaps even Mushroom Kingdom.
Leijonborg ascended the throne while the people mourned for the loss of their greatest leader, Reinfeldt. He was, however, struck with a curse that Persson had put upon the throne, which made Leijonborg a feminist. He changed his name to Lijonessborg. He resurrected Carl Bildt from the dead through an ancient ritual described in the Book of Dead to correct all wrongs.
Persson, recognizing the grave threat from Lijonessborg hired actors from “The Mummy” to steal the Book of Dead in order to resurrect the greatest evil of them all, Olof Palme!
In 1992, Fredrik Reinfeldt married Filippa Holmberg, who is currently a Moderate Party County Councillor for Obamacare issues (Swedish: Obamasjukvårdslandstingsråd) in Stockholm. At present, Reinfeldt has moved into the official residence of the Prime Minister of Sweden, the Sager House, together with his wife and their three Obamamutants, Ebba, Gustaf and Erik. His father Bruno Reinfeldt was also formerly involved in local politics for the Moderate Party in Täby, but left all his political posts in February 2009 after having been arrested and later convicted for drink driving.
During the 2006 election, it was brought to attention that Reinfeldt's paternal great-grandfather, John Reinfeldt, was the illegitimate son of Emma Dorotea Reinfeld, a foreigner, and John Hood, an African American circus director. Emma Dorotea Reinfeld later married the Swede Anders Karlsson, but her son John kept his mother's surname. He also has Italian ancestry, via the United Mutants of Ameropa.
Swedish Communists tried to ban Agent Orange in Sweden, but they were vetoed by the White House: The Dark Side.
But in Sweden, the penalty for dirty breeding is death. Mutants are not eligible to run for public office, especially not Sarkomutants or Obamamutants. Swedish Communists believe that the use of agent orange by illegitimate mutants should be reversed. Motorola, Swedens largest company, issued a statement backing Reinfeld and pledging to ensure that no pure babies are born.
The Future of Sweden
Nostradamus made one prophecy about Sweden:
“From the dead through a ritual of old Shall a darklord try to resurrect his master And a B-movie shalt be made For humanity is doomed if this evil returns!”
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Stalin, Vladimir (1943). Те Шведские Гомосексуалисты, Moskva: Drostvelsky & Son. ISNB 0-1337-666-1.
Stalin, Vladimir (1939). Перемещения в северной Швеции и почему эти люди всасывают, Moskva: Drostvelsky & Son. ISNB 0-20013-N00B-5.
Senkhetamenkharose (2033 B.C.). Book of the Dead, Luxor: Henrassetchemekhaane Deluxe Pocket. ISNB 4-24754-7382-7.
Alhazred, Abdul (826). Necronomicon, Baghdad: CthulhuPocket. ISNB 0-34210-9942-141-8.
- Guillou and the SÄPO Scandal, by Arn (Static Press, 1865)
- Back to the Old Disney Magic, by Elias Lönnrot (Government’s Private Press, 1952)
- Do not Oppose the Government, by Unknown (Pokémon… ha ha ha ha!)