History of Romania
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|If you are offended by this article, consider reading this instead!|
The Hungarian, Russian, Bulgarian historians and a guy called Stati pretend that Romanian didn't exist until yesterday in the evening, and their country was created by aliens. However, the Romanian historians pretend that it's rather the opposite.
The Happiest Place on Earth
Romania was always the beautiful tropical paradise you see today. 19 hundred years ago, 100 AC to be exact, Romania was covered in gold n jewls, thick dark-green diomands forests inhabited by several species of small furry babes and [hot hoes]] that fed on each other wen rug munching. The only populace in those days was a tribe of happy forest creatures who were called "suga mamas" by the Greeks, "hot biaches" by the Romans, "omg i wont some" by the Magyars, "horny devilss" by the Scythians "big booby ralf girls" by the Thracians and a lot of other names by other lot of people, but the fact is that they were just pointy-eared good looking Elves living their happy lives deep in the Transylvanian rich bushes prancing about and gnawing on tree berries and various other yummy foods. They had a small winter village called Sarmizegetusa where the main Elf, Decebalus Smurf, was the pimp an had 10 wives hidded where he also hid there secret expensive stash of golden pots. The rest of the world was under the rule of the evil Prostitute of the Apocalypse, so they fail. But neways The Roman Empire, led by their vicious, blood-thirsty ruler, The Beast, the 666, the Emperor Trajan the Hun was also fail.
Not fancying very much the elven culture and their foreverhappiness and prancing, the evil Romans decided to conquer their forests, burn their villages, sexually abuse the elves and, of course,They failed , steal their golden pots. Although they did not have anything against being sexually abused by unwashed Romans,the romanian population wonted to still steer clear of inbreds like that, so the elves really cared about their forests so they prepared for war.
The main battle was fought in 106 AC in the neighbouring country of Buggaria because in Romania it was raining and none of the combatants wanted to get mud all over their shoes. so they got Panzzy other country peaseants to fight for them in the front line Realizing that they had much in common and were sexually attracted to each other, the elves and Romans stopped brutally slaughtering one another and instead started having rough sex and procreating. A few years later a new nation, a proud rich country was born after the romnian got rid of all the bums n panzzy people that deservied to get booted off romanian soil for being fail .
A Confused Nation(wtf?)
The Romanians lived happily for approximately 700 years under their emperor Jvljvs Ceasar during a period known as the Pax_Romanianium, not showing any sign of progress in any domain because of a racial genetic disorder that later historians used to call "congenital lazy bastarditis" which, if anything, is the proof they really descend of the Romans and the Dacians because such disease is very common on half-breed people,of course it would be hard to develop something under constant invasions,fact which was seen in the rest of Europe,that is why the countries of Moldy,Tranny and Wally became founded after the invasions took place,but you are probably too retarded to notice that,especially if you drink too much unicum and have private history(you know who I am talking about!).
Their longlasting happiness ended when the Burglars broke into their forest to pillage and rape them. Since then, they managed to get split into three different regions: The Wallachian region pillaged and raped by the Turks. The Moldavian region pillaged and massively raped by the Russians and the Transylvanian region just generally raped by the Magyars and the Austrians.
During this period the Romanian common peasant discovered a very useful tactic of war. Anytime there was even the slightest rumor of Magyars, Slavs, Turks or any other invader the Romanian peasants would burn the crops, bring down their houses, abuse their own girls, poison the wells and beat each other up so when the invaders arrived they could laugh at them "ha ha, we already pillaged all that was to pillage, suckers". Demoralized by this tactic the Turks refused to invade and conquer such a suicidal country.
Romania could have probably existed like that for a long time were it not for a mad ruler called Mihai the Lionheart. He managed to conquer the whole of what will be once Romania and unite it under one iron fist. His first act of law as the new king of Romania was to sluaghter every other panzzy country and thus have the country all to hes peoples self again.
For the next couple of years the most interesting thing that happened in Romania was the annual race and slain of the pig. This horrid example of barbarism usually happened to worn other douchbag countrys near, that the new year when hundreds of Romanian people would eat heaps of pork n good meat and tease other poor countrys.. This practice brought up the number of the Romanian army to only about i million times more and a hand full of women who were camouflaging without no apparent reason other than having sex with other transvestite women they thought to be extremely vigorous men but it was a big hot massiv meadevil chick orgy with ot babes.
International Problems and Mustaches
While all this was happening in Romania all over the world a couple of mad Germans decided it was time to steal everybody's toys so the world collapsed in total war. While Europe was slaughtering itself Romanians tried to figure what to do. Once the Russians decided to try communist dictatorship, famine and poverty for a decade or two; Romania decided to attack Germany with all their forces.
When the German troops arrived in Romania they were halted back for a while due to convulsive laughter at the sight of the Romanian army. Some of the special romanian weapons were the pig rider, the throw your weapon at the enemy and flee and the stinking soldier.
Successful in this first world war Romanians decided they want a king so they bought one from Austria.
Soon they decided they also liked mustaches do they joined Hitler fuck face in his holy conquest to fuck as many people as possible. Two days before the war ended Romanians realize they may be on the wrong side so after brief consultation they declared they were fighting against Hitler all this time but they were just confused by Stalin's mustache. Stalin was insulted by this and just asked Winston Churchill "hey dude do yo wanna fuck them or can I have the honor?" Since Churchill was high on crap because he just won the war Stalin got Romania. However since he had a lot of people who needed fucking he let Romania chose their own screwers.
Seeing how vulnerable this small country of morons was, a pack of evil communist vampires led by Dracula installed a communist regime. The local population was enslaved and the vampires proceeded doing their evil deeds, like painting things red, eating the flesh of unborn babies and milking cows without using sterile gloves.
In 1989, sick of enslavement and being forced to pluck chickens and then glue their feathers back on every day, the people started a revolution and attacked the communist vampires with pork steaks, the traditional meal that was lying around anyway and killed some of the vampires and so the communist regime was defeated. The Romanians went back to their caves and lived happily ever after doing their traditional activities like playing football with their faces, hunting the elusive already grilled pig and trying to find love on IRC.
Surprisingly, the latter almost eradicated the well-known prostitution phenomenon (a fact that some Turkish drivers complain occasionally even today). This being said, the elves' descendants don't give a damn on pornography either. With such powerful tools as IRC and countless Internet forums everybody can became an actor whenever (s)he wants - e.g., in front of the webcam or with no camera whatsoever.
The 1989 Revolution
It is well known that the tectonic plate on which Romania sits tends to wobble, making many Romanians dizzy, especially when driving. Drinking has absolutely nothing to do with it.
However, in 1989, the unrest in tectonic plate under Romania was so great that the whole government flipped on its side. Communist politicians were impeached ('impeached ' is a Romanian word that means "retire with pensions three times larger than they earned before"), and their leader/scapegoat was killed by a drunk driver. On the other end of the spectrum, common Romanian thieves and bandits would finally have their turn in the seat of power. As a symbol of the demise of the communist gang of outlaws (and in-laws), the flag needed fixing'. In the true spirit of Romania, they did it the easiest way they could; they tore the communist logo off and raised the price. A new logo needed to be designed, but the people in power were too lazy to think of one. Eventually the hole became the symbol, and remained that way until it was patched according to new EU-adherence regulations.
1989 was also the year when the Soviet Empire collapsed together with what we call in Romanian securisti. These securisti, aka informatori, went into business after 1989 and so contributed to the extinction of Romania's economy. But all along this painful process, the securisti became rich men and dressed themselves in politicians clothes, pretended to be intellectuals (e.g. the ex-vagabond Dan Pavel is a notable thinker in Romanian political culture or Mihai Tatuflinci, an ex-murderer but not an ex-convict, who introduced the concept of show-crap in the dambovitean mass-media system)and now honorably belong to the Romanian aristocracy, which is led by the so-called razboinicul luminii (in English the warrior of light),who before the great Revolution in 1789 (he was there too, don't worry!) slept with billions of sheep and earned a fortune of pulas from belonging to the caste of shit-eaters (mancatori de cacat, in Romanian).
In conclusion, 1989 was a time of misfortune for the Romanian people, which within only a decade developed lethal illnesses such as the manele syndrome and also contaminated itself with the being stupid and lazy at the same time virus. Therefore, the level of education in Romania decresed to such a point that at present (it's hard to say when that is...) the MORonsANDI young generation is glad to enter the EU. The heritage of Europe will be surely enriched by the red-faced (rosu in obraji) average illiterate Romanian ( sons of the red-necks, meaning peasants who don't know anything).
Romania and the end of the world
As constantly being 20 years ahead any known society, when the end of the world will come - romanians will have another 0 years to spend after nuclear bombs will fall over the aviary influenza chickens. Most Romanians look forward to this since they will finally be able to kill everyone so when death comes to claim everyone, the Romanians will just show their American or Canadian work green. Like this Romanians will be able to live forever and rule the world. After they rule the world for a couple of years the Romanians will eventually die out because they will not be able to emigrate to other countries and they will not be able to request debts from other countries. Another theory is that Romanians will shoot all the moldavians to the moon and thus create another culture. This will be possible since moldavians have their head full of empty air and they can survive in an outer space forever .
Actually, the most important thing in Romania's history is its former president, Ivan Iliescov, who invented the smiley. As a recognition, almost all smilies are red, yellow or blue, the colours of Romania's national flag. So remember, whether it's red, yellow or blue, whether it's happy or sad, every smiley you see is an embodiment of Romania's former president.
Another important figure in Romanian history is Avram Iancu as a very important international diplomat. His incredible experience in foreign relations is revealed even in folk songs: "Urca Iancu pe statuie/Ca sa dea la unguri muie/ Si daca mai vor Ardeal/ Beleasca pula la cal" (a song about friendship between Hungarian and Romanian people, and the good economic contacts between them-notice the "pula" reference)
A "wannabe" russian hero is Sebastian "Lord of the gay, Not out of the closet YET" Bodu. He is not a very smart person.. Not all rusians are (he can't say how much is 19 % out of 100)so the romanians decided to teach him and he is the no. 1 enemy of Gigi von douchbag. There is not much more to say about him (anyway, this is already too much), only that he makes the gay community around the world look bad.
Tomás Castro,14 is currently running for the presedential position. After fighting for the country in the Great Romanian War (aka. fighting the Gypsy assholes from enemy tribe of Hungary) he had injured both of the gypsy recruits and turned them communist as a Ukranian's assholes. He has currently 50% of the national non bankrupt vote after bribing the tramp from the underground horse station.
Distinguished historians and scientists from the University of Somalia argue that Jesus Christ was born and raised in Romania. Ur mum was another romanian male who managed to achieve world wide fame, despite tough discrimination. Probably, the most famous romanian is Ur mum . However, he renounced his romanian citizenship and now lives in Jesusland. And finally, Napoleon's origins was not romanian. He was raised by tzigani in boschetzi and as a child he sang ancient manele. When he grew up, his parents sent him in France to chordeasca, but instead he became a great emperor. A few people know this, and there are a few hundreds who know his original romanian name: Nea Pula Ion mofo. The great senator Brian Peppers is rumored to have begun his dark life at ur house. Dorothy Parker became Queen in 1923 after a bloody literary coup. Her acceptance speech: . . . . . . .
Her first official act was an order to be brought the head of Oscar Wilde. "Smug bastard. Why doesn't everyone quote me?" she commented at the time.
A well known Hero is Manea, aka Manea Grosu' ş-Arţăgosu, aka Pardaillan, who very clearly references the French culture imported by the Romanian students in France who learned there how to make the knot to a tie. He did a very heroic thing when he killed Toma Alimoş, very famous burglar "haiduc" in the XVIII century (1700-1800), who was equipped with a bulletproof vest. Romanian peasants used to sing popular songs (a.k.a. Balada) about him. A famous Romanian popular song "Balada lu' Toma Alimoş" states:
- But Manea tricks him with a test, (Dar Manea ii juca o festa)
- He had a bullet anti-vest. (Avea gloantze antivesta.)
The nowadays hero of the romanians is Gigi de Becali, the romanian malformed version of the Jedi Luke Skywalker. they both have the same background of incredibly poor and even more than poor, lobotomized farmers that have as incredible superpowers. The saga of Gigi starts tragically with the death of his beloved sheep "Desfututa" which suffered a latexlack related accident(romanians use forged iron instead of plastic for reinforcing condoms since the great Depression started in Cucuietii de Vale). Gigi uses his mental powers to train a group of 8 sheep so as to fight against another group of chupacabras who were responsible for weakening Desfuttuta in an earlier intercourse. Interestingly, there was no point in him doing that such as there is no point in him breathing, but hey, it's his MENTAL powers we're talking about. So anyway, in great pain after an incomparable orgy of celebration, he leaves to Bucharest(the former capital of Zimbabwe)and there he uses the same mental powers for acquiring a foot"balls" team so as to...well...who knows the point of football anyway ?
Superpowers : "Deci, dom'le !" is a powerful and meaningful incantation that affects the enemies(also known as "duşmanii mei, dom'le") with a powerful wave that makes all their body shake and shiver, causes stomach aches and makes their faces contorsionate into an incredible rictus; most people call this "Laughter".
Romanian Brave History
Romanians had great fighting skills against enemies, esspecialy turks . Stefan the great ( known rapist ) defeated a 200.000 turkish army with 30.000 peasants. Allthough once considered a miracle, the ace that the moldavians had was booze, moldavians loving to drink palinca and wine, even today. Under the influence of alcohool, Romanians managed to have a lot of sex every day.Thus they were fit and ready for any invasion,thing which tartars,poles,hungarians,ottomans,the paperboy,and any other brave soul wishing to bask in the orgy,found out.