edit Before Christ
The first history of Malaysial began when a Palembang Prince, Parameswara a.k.a "Prince Esh" from Palembang (because he was Palembang Prince) got involved in a bar fight and insulted the king's momma. The king threatened to beat the shit and intestines out of Prince Esh so he fled with 3 wives, 4 mistresses, 2 lackeys, 80 mothers, 20 fathers, 10 grandfathers and 25 US Marines, 300 slaves, and a partridge in a pear tree to Singapore after visiting his close associate Mr. Mister and finding that it was too boring. Anyways, he founded the city state of Celaka which prospered for hundreds and thousands of years, much to the disbelief of Singaporeans, who at that time consisted entirely of higher life forms, and a small minority or animals called the Malays. Then came the Portuguese, Dutch, British, Japanese, Freedonians, Bordurians, Orang Bunians, Elfs, Trolls, Jins and then British again who took advantage of the Malay's propensity for public holidays and invaded on a non-working Saturday. The British, like a surging wave of fetid drainwater, carried with them the Chinese (from Chin-ur; we who refuse to wipe our asses) and the Red Indians (from Indi-ur; we who wear 2 liters of perfume) to work the tin mines and rubber plantations. So now, Malaysia has 3 major races (like Tolkien's Middle Earth) with the politically dominant Malays , the superstitious Chinese (c.f. "please-bury-me-next-to-Mao-Tse-Tung-when-i'm-dead...) and the Indians (c.f. can u please tell me when the next boat to Kerala?). Other races such as the hobits also exist but for all intents and purposes, they don't exist except for cultural shows put on for stupid tourists or as pictures in school textbooks. In honour of "Eswara", the national car maker, Proton, named one of their cars Proton Iswara, with slightly different spelling to avoid lawsuits. As told by my physics teacher Mr. Y in school, only Malaysia's 'Protons' are able to move about which doesn't make any sense.
There is a legend regarding the founding of the state Melaka (known to Singayporians as Celaka) that while the Palembang Prince was taking a shit under a durian tree with a joint in his mouth, He saw a sang kancil trying to rape his dog and took it as a sign from David Beckham and said (in ancient Jewish): "Wah, dahshatnya sang kancil tu!"(Holy mother %@#!,that's some scary animal!) He then looked to the spot where his feces fell to earth, seeing that the colour and texture of his crap resembling Gula Melaka(some kind of opium),declared that the land he shat on shall be named...Melaka.
Sometime in 1957, a man by the name of Tunku Abdul Rahman listened to a cassette with emo music from Sunny Day Real Estate. He then became an emo kid wearing cool glasses and shopped in thrift stores to buy his clothes, unlike those posers who go to Hot Topic and listen to As I Lay Dying. Like many emo kids, he decided to fight The Man and get freedom for the country. This struggle was only achieved when he turned into a hipster, like most emo kids do once they enter university in Britain, the United States, or anywhere where there's Evil Western Influence. Since he was already a hipster, he named 31. December 1997 as the day Princess Diana... er... the day the Federated Republic Kingdoms Malay States Sdn. Bhd. achieved IndieRockPendence. Death Cab for Cutie composed Soul Meets Body, which became the National Anthem.
Malaysia announced plans to build a Bridge Over The River Kwai. Singapore protested, even though the Kwai River is nowhere near that rock. To confuse the Simkapoleons, the plans were altered to build the bridge in a circle, then a rhombus, and then in a dodecahedric design. The plan was finally scrapped when the government realized that the River Kwai already had a bridge. Also, the river was probably somewhere in Thailand. Actually, the bridge is still being fought over. It's not going to be built but everyone is fighting over the right to claim victory in this on-going saga. Stay tuned. Immediately after the war, the Berita Hairan, New Straight Times, and (p)Utusan washing machines went into "Full Spin" cycle.
1969 May 13 (also known as 513) is when the government (Malays) lost in the national election but they were unable to accept the truth of losing, they then killed and arrested many peoples and they considered the election won. After 513-incident Dr. M invented the Malay-Dilemma because it was said the incident was largely caused by income-disparity (Malays too poor, non-Malays too rich) and so the gov had to rewrite the law to make Malays compulsory rich and to increase birthrate of Malays to ensure future election won and also to ensure schools produce more highly-talented-Malays than non-Malays (supposedly to make non-Malays less competitive but somehow produced large numbers of Mat-Rempits, Bohsia, Bogel and Rasuah-Experts). 22 years later Dr. M step down because of an obvious extreme-income-disparity among the Malays, widespread of social ills and economy crisis, the rich Malays earned 1k per month comparing to the poor Malays earned RM800 (with many jobless). Dr. M guilty (but dare not admit) and he restored English language back in schools to hope the poor Malays become more competitive in economy.
In the mid-70s some assholes invented HBO (huge black object), roughly the size of a microwave but known as a mobile phone. This shit cost 10,000 ringgit each. Malays could not afford such a luxury that cost their entires life savings so only the Chinese had it and 'discuss million dollar business' (in fact billions) and they make sure the whole world can hear it. Normally these kind of handphones are used by the big time "ah long". For a martial artist to be the best, he must have the ability use the weapon as if it is his own arm. For this instance, the GIGANTIC handphone is used by the "ah longs" during clan fights. The massive phones are thrown towards the enemies and would cause massive head destruction if directly hit.
edit The 80s
English language was officially banned by the government, and all schools in Malaysia must not speak Inggeris (because it's not patriotic) and were transformed into Kampung playground to mass produce Mat rempit, Ah Lian, Rojak, Bo Lui, Bohsia, So Hai, Ma Hai, Puk GaiGatal, Tak-Gatal, Kerling and many more. As a result now most Malaysia speak broken Inggeris called Manglish and Rojaks - including me talk.
The 80s sucked with their bad, Shitty costumes, badly synthesized music, permed hairstyles. Same thing in Malaysia. Some guys called Umno got banned by the moderator after the cops busted their party. Fortunately, the fumes from their overly sprayed hair and the ear splitting technology of the synthesizer knocked out the authorities long enough for them to escape.
The 1980s also saw the start of the Malaysian Bloods. This youth movement, started by Black Jesus to destroy the wicked Cryptkeeper, found a large following among the disaffected youth of Malaysia and played a pivotal role in ending the bloody Bread War.
edit Bread War
The Bread War, supposedly started by smatijoves, lasted from 1986 to 1988 between Malaysia and America. It was a tragic feud which led to the rise of the ongoing smatijove extremist cult, saw the bannination of smatijoves in two continents and resulted in a field day for those bastards at CBS News. America won after ending the war in the way it usually does (by dropping things on them), and the Malaysians were left devastated for the next eight minutes.
Hip Hop is an impact of Bread War and had led many Malaysians involved in this monkey-like culture to be found in Malaysia. There is one mamak-lead hiphopping monkeys group appeared out of nowhere, from the island of mamak perhaps. This is a true negro from Gabon culture. They said they like girls, but only white girls or a standard malay girls. Why don't they just like other monkeys or Afrikaan gals like the way they are? Can somebody explain this? If you want to copycat what the niggers do, have a nigger as a girlfriend from the wonderful continent as well. Hip hop in Malaysia is lost and confused. They like to perform other people's songs and not even good. In fact, it's so bad that you would find it hilarious if you appreciate real hip hop music. They buy their clothes from Echo Park at Sungei Wengker and say "oh boy... you wan da hip hop ah". They call hip hop RnB here and they have no idea what the difference is. This paragraph was later released as a No1 hit single by 50 Cent but with the unexpected twist of carrying a bigass gun.
Most local artists in Malaysia is garbage and faggot. Take Mawi as a example. They can't pronounce words correctly and like to rap about smoking philly blunts and translating tupac songs into tamil (official snitch language). They like to perform at various clubs in KL and even though no one comes to show up they still pretend to have a good time. Anyone who ever released an album never reach gold... hell they never reach pebble. "Bread War" had its brighter sides though but nobody really gives a shit.
edit 1996-2000 Malaysia-Singapore War
The war started after the Communist Republic of Singaypore lost to Malaysia in a rigged football match. At first, Singaypore, under Lee Kuan Yew aka Robo Lee's command, ordered revenge by stealing some Plotong Wira (goodness knows what for) from Malaysia and smuggling them into Singaypore. Slowly this incident had lead both countries becoming involved in a war that raged in Antarctica, Sahara Desert, Indian Ocean and your mother's home.
However Malaysia lost the war as their soldiers are too fat, lazy and basically couldn't care less about fighting. Their soldiers, mainly Muslim (their Chinese citizens were secretly fighting on the Singaypore side.) had to pray 5 times per day, must have at least 3 tea breaks per day (In addition to breakfast, lunch, dinner & supper) and so pretty much doomed themselves from the start. Even if they wanted to fight, most of their military equipment such as fighter jets and tanks were rendered useless by enterprising mechanics selling their parts for porn ciggies on the black market, and their jet engines sold to Uruguay. Some even broke down before the war because most of the malays don't have any idea how to maintain yet alone fix it since their brains cannot function normally. This is mainly caused by their excessive praying and eating habits(and yet they claim to be holy just because they don't eat pork).
As a result Malaysia was forced to supply cheap water to Singhkapore at 3 sen (Equal to 0.0000001 Singhkapore cents) per 1000 gallons and continue the export Plotong & BerukTua there. Which by now were being recycled into more useful things such as manhole covers and paperweights.
edit 10,000 BC - present
And still...it is the only country in the world that requires information about the colour of your skin when you wanted to get scholarship and make bank accounts at some of the banks.