History of Germany
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“Germany sits in the middle of Europe like a fat, unwanted child abandoned by embarrassed parents ..”
“In Germany, even love keeps regular working hours.”
Germany doesn't like history that much. Following 1945, West German Chancellor Konrad Adenauer officially encouraged National Amnesia as the new political ideology. If any German was asked if he or she was German they were to deny it and pretend to be Swiss. In East Germany the Russians treated their satellite/allies more severely and did not allow them to leave their country. When some ignored this and crossed into West Berlin, the East Germans called in the builders.
The Germanic tribes first settled in the land they call Heimat, Mittal Mickey Lander or Autobahn in around 100BC. The Celts were still there but the Germans pushed them out and told them to cross the Rhine and not to show their sorry faces there anymore. This marks the start of Germany with an early example of 'living space'.
The first known leader was Herman the German who spanked the Italian legions of Augustus in 9 AD and killed everyone who had crossed the frontier without their papers. The Germans were good at coming up with names for their tribes: The Franks, The Euros, The Allman Brothers and Cher, Awkward Angles, Saxypants, Goths, Vandals, Spray Can Gang, Banksy...many. They wanted to be part of the Roman Empire as they were convinced their chariots were far better quality than the fancy crap built in Northern Italy.
In the late Fourth and early Fifth centuries the Germans became restless as all them were itching after not bathing for centuries. So what was called the 'Wandering' saw Germans turn up virtually everywhere. At the seaside resorts of Spain, the hotspots of Tunisia and slumber land of Italy. Two tribes somehow ended up in Britannia as the Anglo-Saxons.
Some of the Germans formed Kingdoms and others preferred not to. The former were Christians but of the Arian type. This drew to them the hostility of the Catholics who nagged them for centuries to 'join the team win-win' which they eventually did. The Germans in England stayed pagan but eventually they were strong armed into Christianity. However their story doesn't bother us here as these Germans soon lost their good manners and tidy streets and turned into the English thugs we are so familiar today.
Another Germanic tribe the Franks got reversed taken over when they moved to Gaul. Though they got the country renamed after them, the Franks lost their memory of their native language and started to speak in very slangy Latin which we now know as French. These Franks became ashamed of their origins and pretended they had been French always.
The first great German hero is Charlemagne. Ok, Karl Der Grosse in German which sounds so much grander than Charlemagne. He created the Holy Roman Empire and united France, Germany, Italy, Flanders, Flippers, Frisians, Spanish, Wends, Bends, Spoons into one happy monarchy. The Germans and French liked it each other so much that they split up after 60 years. Germany eventually kept the 'Holy Roman Name' as it sounded so much posher than just Germany. By then they had stopped worshiping Christmas Trees and were now following the Fairy towards Christianity.
Middle AgesHaving spent the last 1000 years travelling West and South, the Germans decided to return back to the East. However their former lands had been taken over by the Slavs who had noticed there was no one at home and the lights were not on.
German organisations like the Hanseatic_League set up clubs all over Northern Europe to encourage German resettlement. Sometimes the Slavs were ok with their new German friends, sometimes (often really) not. This led to wars between Poland where many Slavs had now lived. There were many wars about stupid things, many wars about serious things and just many wars. The eagerest for war were the Teutonic Knights. These ex-Holy Land skull crushers wanted a new challenge and didn;t like wearing heavy armour in hot lands. They moved further along the coast and started to convert many pagans from living pagans into dead pagans. Some they made christians as the German knights needed peasants to abuse and insult.
The Hanseatic League also created a system of divisions with promotion and relegation and the awarding of cups after long campaigns. The English later claimed they invented all this and called it Capitalism..or was it Football.
During this time the Germans became less and less united. They had an elective monarch but only seven people at any one time could vote. These men (as they were all men, it being just the rule then) were called Electors (duh!) and could chose anyone to be Leader (Emperor) of Germany as long as they got paid for doing it. No Germans have ever believed working for nothing. That is why they despise countries that employ interns.
By the end of the Middle Ages the Germans invented Moveable Typists. For centuries the monks had kept their monopoly on book writing. Now a German called Gutenberg invented the disciplined lunch break and came up with printing out menus in very bad hand writing. But the Germans liked bad hand writing so came up with a font it was so hard to read that only people in Germany could understand it. This explains why German as a foreign language outside Germany never caught on. You couldn't read their text books.
Martin Luther fell in love with nun-typist and left his copying books behind in his monastery. Luther nailed his Lotto numbers (oops..his mistake), a 'Have You Seen My Missing Puppy' notice before finally coming to 95 text messages of complaint about why Pope Leo IX in Rome was a shit theologian. This was strong stuff and Luther was threatened with having his habit lifted in a public square for his criticisms. Luther abandoned Catholicism and encouraged all Germans to think about the here and now as the Far and Distant would see a lot of them burn their nether regions in hell.
Luther wasn't burnt in the end and his Bible was published in German. He wrote it in High German but with some Low German jokes thrown in to the mess up the ears of The Purists ( a stricter wing of The Puritans.)
Thirty Years War
Germans are always proud that they could count how many years they were at war with - unlike the English and French who obviously had a problem with any number over 100. Germany had been pretty quiet since Luther's day. Those who wanted to be Protestant Lutheran, Protestant Calvinist or Catholic let their princes or town councils decide on their allegiance.
This worked fine until the Bohemians - who were not Germans but Czechs - broke up the orderly work pattern and changed from Catholicism to Alcoholism. The Austrians..oh yes, the Austrians who were part of Germany then...said this was bad and invaded. This led to a war which got a lot of unhelpful interventions from France, Italy, Denmark, Sweden, Poland, well just about every neighbour. Germans killed Germans and no one could remember why. If it was about religion why was Catholic France fighting with Protestant Germany against Catholic Germany, Austria and Spain? Many millions were dead, no one knew the answer. Who did score that winner against Hanseatic Hamburg FC in 1622?
Rise and Rise and Rise of Prussia
With the Treaty of Westphalia, every German ruler was now sovereign in his own palace. They didn't have to follow or obey any Emperor, so didn't. Whilst the Habsburgs in Vienna sulked like a rejected suitor, some of the German states became friends with King Louis XIV of France. Ambassadors were exchanged, French culture replaced German as the height of sophistication. Everyone (except the Habsburgs) wanted to be French it seemed.
One German state chose a different option. The Elector of Brandenburg, ruling from then then obscure and provincially dull Berlin had other ideas. Though his territories were strewn across the middle of Germany like slopped soup, they had a block of territories in the East known as 'Prussia'. Frederick William the Great Selector also realised after his country had been trampled all over in the Thirty Years War needed an army. Sitting down at his French bureau (Fred liked French stuff too), he invented the Prussian Army. It would be a bit like the Teutonic Knights but without the religious mission.
War of the Spanish Succession1702-1713
In 1700 Germany was once again at war. The Habsburg Holy Roman Emperor wanted Spain back for his family though why Germany should be bothered wasn't explained. The Bavarians preferred to ally with France and give the Austrians a walloping for wasting German money on some Spanish bailout. But the English intervened under an army led by Winston Churchill's Great etc etc Grandfather the Duke of Marlborough. Astride a horse, the Duke and his Italian Friend Eugene of Savoy had beaten the French and Bavarians at Blenheim. Centuries later Winston Churchill would always bring up this story when invited for tea at the German Embassy in London.
War of the Austrian Succession 1740-1748
Another war fought in Germany. This time it was between Prussia and Austria. The Prussian King Frederick beat Maria Theresa of Austria in an unfair arm wrestle. Using the 'Silesian hold', Frederick sliced off a sausage shaped land and made it Prussian. The Austrians tried to reverse result Frederick's army beat the Austrians so many times that the others said it was time for peace. Maria Theresa kept Austria but lost Silesia.
War of the Seven Years Itch
Maria Theresa was still determined to have one back on the Prussians. The French has been enemies for the last 250 years but Maria cleverly made a hint to King Louis XV that she was open to flattery and seduction in Berlin once Frederick was beaten. Dumping the British, Austria and France became allies and went to war on Fruity Fritz. Thanks to some undiplomatic references to Czarina of Russia, the Russians joined the Austrians and French. Since Louis XV preferred spending time on his wigs and wenches, French military effort was organised by his Madame Le Pompadour. For the gay Fred (officially single), it was a War Against the Harpies.
In his bunker, Frederick stocked up with pointy helmets until the Russians changed their minds and started shooting at their allies under the orders of the new Czar Peter III. Prussia was saved and kept Silesia. Empress Maria Theresa kicked her ambassadors for making a shameful peace with Frederick.
Germany once again a battlefield. This time it's the French who want to mess things up. Prussia prefers to stay out East so it is the Austrians who get the regular 'Boney Battering'. They are forced out of Germany and the Holy Roman Empire is dumped into the bin. Prussia eventually decides the French have been rude too long and go to war. And lose. Napoleon wanted to burn Berlin but fell in love with the King of Prussia's wife's well exposed rack at a ball to celebrate the end of the war. In those days the losers were allowed equal access with the victors for all decent parties.
Since Napoleon wants to invade Russia, he forces the Germans to invade Russia with him. Turns out to be a right calamity, thought he Germans later blame Napoleon for his bad tactics and say they will do better if running the war themselves.
Prussia and Austria then combine with Russia (who they had just burnt as part of Napoleon's army) and smack Napoleon down in Leipzig. War is over except for a brief sequel when the Prussians save Wellington's British arse at the Battle of Waterloo.
The new Germany after 1815 - the Germanic Confederation - was led by Prussia and Austria. The two countries shared the duties of washing up after each other. This broke down in 1848 when a pile of dirty plates told Prussia that the Austrians were having trouble at home. This led to other revolutions in Europe and in Germany. The King of Prussia was offered the 'German Crown' but he said that was too vulgar and that only God and not the common schiesse could decide.
Austria recovered from its severe bout of Revolutionitis and wanted to humiliate Prussia. The Prussians hope of making the Confederation theirs were met by Austria and her allies as 'Bullies Bullies' and so the Prussians backed down. Shortly after their King lost his mind. Vienna said that was Heaven Laughing.
Full steam ahead, avoid the planes with torpedos...yes we are talking about Otto von Bismarck. He became Prime Minister of Prussia. His plan was to reverse humiliate the Austrians and expand Prussia at the expense of her enemies like Hanover, Saxony and Bavaria. Bismarck cleverly started a war with Denmark over a couple of German states called Schleswig-Holsten, a difficult issue that was later turned into a television quiz.
Prussia and Austria then went a war against mighty Denmark and won within a few weeks. But the Austrians didn't want Holsten and said they and Prussia should donate the recovered German states to charity. Bismarck said he didn't do charity and in 1866 started a war against Austria.
It was all over in Six Weeks! The Austrians were so slow that their army hadn't finished packing for the war until the fifth week. By then Austria's allies had been overrun or surrendered. When Prussia and Austria finally got together, it was a disaster of a date. Austria had her face pushed into the meringue and forced to pay the bill when Prussia stormed out. However Bismarck encourage the Prussian King Wilhelm to 'go easy on der zilly strudels' and took nothing away from her. Austria was however forced to leave the German home and stay permanently next door.
France had been betting that Prussia and Austria would go in for a long and dirty war that the sudden news that the Viennese had been waltzed off the battlefield came as a shock. Emperor Napoleon III said that wasn't fair and offered Austria another chance to get a crafty kick at the Prussians. But when war started in 1870, the Austrians stayed at home. France got a battering and Paris was taken.
In Paris Bismarck told every German prince to come along to a surprise party in the Hall of Mirrors. This was a giant sized bedroom in the Palace of Versailles. As the Germans lay on the bed looking at the ceiling, Bismarck entered the room and presented to them King Wilhelm of Prussia, German Emperor. The Germans clapped but when the applause finished some asked when the 'pretty French girls' would be coming in to celebrate with a bloomer-free Can-Can.
World War I
Also known as the Great Music Wars. Franz Ferdinand of Austria and the Kaiser Chiefs of Germany had an ongoing battle for world chart supremacy, decades of violence had gone on between the two rivals, so Franz Ferdinand released a single called “Take me out” which was an offer of peace, asking the Kaiser Chiefs to go out for a nice Bratwurst and a pint of beer with them and talk things over.
Unfortunately the Kaiser Chefs saw this single as a taunt on their military capability and athletic prowess and this ended in the unfortunate assassination of Franz Ferdinand. This resulted in the Great Music Wars of 1914– 1918 and the defeat of the Kaiser Chiefs.
Germany was so taken with grief at the death of their leaders they called for Franz Ferdinand to have to sit in a small isolated room listening to non-stop playback of Kaiser Chief songs. After 3 days and 4 hours later Franz Ferdinand was found dead with his hands over his ears.
The Teutonic Beast (see picture) was unleashed on the French. who were slaughtered without their savior Napoleon Bonaparte. Because it was unfair that only French. citoyens were slaughtered the French. warned the english if the germans were to take over Germany they'd never be able to win the world cup football, and they were to suffer even more shamefull defeats than the 4 - 1 loss in South Africa. Because of the fear for German Football supremacy the English joined the war and slaughtered badly at Passendale. (Passendale by the way is great Belgian cheese, it is sad you can still taste the dead englishman) In the mean time the French. sat back and re
World War Two was ignited by a jinx between Hitler and the Prime Minister of Poland. Hitler refused to give up his last Pepsi, and so the war began.
After World War I or The Great Music Wars one would think that the Germans would realize that they are not very good at winning World Wars and so would give up without further embarrassment. Soon, a short, dark-haired Austrian, whom the Germans decided to put into their government after he said that he wants to kill Jews and start a world war, so they were all happy and started singing "We are racists and we love losing world wars" they decided to give it another go for old time's sake. Little did they know that this Austrian, who went under the name of Hitler was actually Franz Ferdinand’s Great Grandson and fueled with enough revenge and bitterness to lead the country into a hopeless War and watched the country fall apart while rubbing his hands with glee, cheering as they were pwned by the evil-eating French.
However, the joke was soon on him as he had forgotten to lead his native land of Austria in on the joke and soon he had half the world after his blood. Hitler called on Snow White, Road Runner, Donald Duck, and Giygas to help him out with the war effort. They agreed. Snow White, however, was unfortunately assassinated with a poisoned apple by the Resistance after she went on live TV announcing her support for the Hitler. Hitler was so overcome with grief at the death of his mistress Snow White that he committed suicide.
Evidence (in the form of used crack pipes found in the Fuhrer's bunker in the last days of the war) suggests that Hitlers war strategies have been helped by hallucinogenic drug use.
This might also help to explain the Fuhrer's almost messianic foresight surfacing in decisions like the 1940 invasion of the Channel Islands in an early attempt to rule in European tax evasion.
Adolf Hitler is one of the most commonly misunderstood figures in German history. He is well known for being a total douchebag, who exerted world domination while exterminating a majority of the Jewish kind. Little known is the fact that this is untrue. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Many scientists and philosophers have postulated the theory that Germany might cause a Third World War, as it is commonly understood that the third attempt is lucky.
Republicans America has agreed a Treaty, that if such a 'third attempt' would be made by the Germans, that they would formally ignore it once again until the last possible second and then claim responsibility for the Victory.
A few days before Adolf Hitler's death, he signed a paper known today as Nacht der Untoten which started the production of Nazi zombies and Hell hounds. This production is also used today for suicide bombers. For a short time, Imperial Japan was in on this too.
After all this shizzle by Germany everyone starts noticing that Germans have a tedious habit of trying to take over Europe time over time, usualy the British Army and of course the Glorious National Army of Uganda are allways on hand to defend the world from very naughty people.