History of Canada

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A statement released by PETA Founder Ingrid Newkirk read, "i Can savez animalz?"

The History of Canada is one of the world's most extraordinarily controversial sex acts, and is infamous for being notoriously difficult to perform. It gained popularity in 1987 when PETA launched a campaign against the act because of its mercilessly cruel treatment of animals (the iconic "Ban Canada's History" campaign).

edit Prerequisites

Only two men and one woman can perform Canada's History, and both men must be physically flexible to complete the final stage. To perform a Canada's History, one must obtain authentic moose antlers, a replica of the Stanley Cup, maple syrup, a beavertail, a live Canadian loon, kerosene, a lighter, a length of rope and a Nickelback album. If you use a Celine Dion album from the mid-nineties the act is referred to as a Canada's Antiquity. If you use a Strapping Young Lad album, Canada's Histrionics.

edit Details of the act

Set the album of your choice on repeat. Affix one of the loon's feet to the Stanley Cup with the rope, douse it in kerosene and set it ablaze, putting out the flames only after 1867 seconds (approx. a half hour), and then only with maple syrup. Observers have reported that the loon will flail for the first minute or so and for this reason it may be necessary to affix it to something else.

The female member of the party then puts the moose antlers on her head and then using the remaining maple syrup begins to masturbate while fellating the other members of the party. After both members have ejaculated on the loon's seared carcass, the woman takes two large bites out of the animal exclaiming "I am the walrus". This marks the beginning of the ceremony.

Both male members then perform a spit roast on the woman, still wearing the antlers, until either she a) regurgitates or b) defecates; the importance here is that the matter that issues forth from her body is composed at least partly of the consumed loon. This is by far the most challenging part of the rite; it can take up to 24 hours for this happen and members must observe that rule that no bodily functions can be forced, which means inducing regurgitation or taking laxative are strictly forbidden. It is vital that until excretion has occurred the party must be actively engaged in a spit roast. Once one of a) or b) has occurred, the climax of the ritual has been reached, and the male whose member has been covered in the bodily secretion is then dubbed "Maclean's Canadian Of The Year", puts on the antlers, and takes turns slapping the two other participants with his member, stopping only to slap with the beavertail if soreness abides.

At this point the ritual is almost at an end. The two participants with vomit or excrement on their faces then perform a 69 so that every single participant has both their sexual organs and their faces covered in vomit or excrement, except for Maclean's Canadian Of The Year, who only has vomit or excrement on his member. In the final stage, Maclean's Canadian Of The Year performs auto-fellatio, thereby covering his own face with vomit or excrement, while the two other members look on and masturbate. The ritual comes to end when Maclean's Canadian Of The Year ejaculates.

edit Controversy

When PETA announced that they would be campaigning against the act in October 1987, literally tens of people flocked to the streets in protest. Some Canadian spokesperson had this to say "we don't like them PETA folk denying our rich heritage".

edit Cultural Impact

In the February 4th 2010 airing of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert made a reference to the act and encouraged his viewers to define it on UrbanDictionary.com in the most 'jaw dropping' terms imaginable. This led some people to believe that the act never existed at all before this date. That would be to deny its rich history.

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