History of Asian labor
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- Dawn of Humanity God supposedly created the heaven and the Earth. Due to poor translation, this was the version of the event that was passed down to the masses. However, this was the true beginning of Asian labor; God later admitted that he did, in fact, hire an Asian man to do all of the work for him, saying that he was "probably smarter than Me anyway."
- 5,000 BC Egyptians use Asian labor to build the Pyramids. Sources say that "twenty ton stone blocks were nothing to them, considering that they're used to carrying that amount on their back in rice."
- 350 BC Roman Julius Caesar hires an Asian soothsayer to say sooths. One day he said to Caesar that "You wirr be kirred by Brutus." Due to some unfortunate misunderstandings and errors in translation this resulted in the public execution of a prominent cartoon character.
The Early Years
- 18 AD Jesus cheats off an Asian man using his all-seeing ability to pass his high school exit exam. Others noticed and said that if it was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for them. Since then, the practice of copying off the Asian kid has become widespread.
- 1100 AD Since Asians had been killing each other for thousands of years, the Christians figured it was time to get in on the action. They decided to attack Istanbul (not Constantinople) hoping that "some of those hot Asian chicks might be impressed."
The Middle Ages
- 1600 AD The Spanish Inquisition sweeps through various parts of Europe. Its membership is mainly composed of Asians. The phrase "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" became popular, because nobody expected Asian men to come bursting through their door to torture them; they were more used to having their throats stealthily slit during the night.
- 1700 AD The Great Wall of China is built. Perversely, even though this is the largest known example of Asian labor, the Wall was not actually built by Asians, because "stone blocks refused to be picked up by chopsticks." Asians had forgotten about being slave-driven by Egyptians at this point, because all of the Asians that worked on the Pyramids had been wiped out shortly after completion by the Plague of Frogs, an event that occurs quintmillennially. (Which is totally a word.)
- Around 1900 AD Asians become popular as authors of children's books. The most well-known of these is "The Three Little Asian Pigs," in which the Big Bad Wolf comes to blow down the houses of three little pigs. The first one was not very bright, and made his house out of rice; he ended up eating the rice, and thus had no house left by the time the Wolf came along to eat him. The second one built his house out of chopsticks, which was not enough to withstand the Wolf's woodchipper. The third one built his house out of dead Asians, which was economical and efficient. However, the Wolf was able to eat through all the bodies. The story is resolved when, just as the wolf is about to eat the last pig, the A-bomb falls and kills everyone for miles around (a common occurrence in Asian countries).
- 2000 AD Asians become the primary instigators of conversation. Specifically, they are known to call people during their dinners and ask if they want to buy a new long distance service at $3/minute. Responses range from "Oh my God! Like, totally, sure! I'm gonna go watch Simple Life now, bye!" to "Git off my property you chink devil" to "Chinga tu madre, cabron" (only applicable when phone call is placed to California).