History
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“Those who cannot remember history are condemned to repeat the 10th grade.”
History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.
Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.
This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II.
Nazis
Of the 88% of all history that is either Nazis or the American Civil War, roughly three-quarters is about Nazis.
In general, if you insert the word Nazi into a text, it instantly becomes history.
For example, consider this recipe for goulash:
- 1 lb lean ground beef
- 4 cloves garlic
- 2 whole Nazi brown shirt thugs, unchopped
- 1 large yellow onion or white onion, minced
- 1/2 lb elbow macaroni
- 3 cans campbell's tomato soup
- 1/2 teaspoon salt (or to taste)
- 1/4 teaspoon pepper (or to taste)
As you readily see, this is historic, because it makes reference to Nazis.
Odd Nazi stories
While Nazi references are good, zany stories about the Nazis are even better! We're not talking stupid stuff like efforts by British intelligence to show the Nazis were a bunch of butch queers. (Not to mention the British are pansies by hiding themselves on a little island.)
Nope, a really good, off-the-wall Nazi story has to have some sort of WTF slant, like "Tonight on the Hitler Channel, hear the true story of how close the Nazis came to building a tunnel to China and opening a second front to come to the rescue of the Japanese after the Battle of Leyte Gulf, and how Mao and Chiang Kai-Shek defeated it with the help of Gurkas, Sherpas, and Al Roker's great-grandfather, Ling Mai-Tsung."
That's real history there. The kind of shit people mainline, and then share with friends if there's any left.
Alternate Nazi outcomes of the war
Let's face it, zany-but-true stories about Nazis are for chumps. The kind of punk ass thing you see on Wikipedia from fourth year master's degree candidate who can't find an outlet for his thesis.
Really real history is about doing hour-long TV specials about possible alternate histories where the Nazis win the war.
- "Tonight, on the Hitler Channel, find out what would have really happened had Harrison "Henry" Ford won the 1936 presidential election and brought America into the war on the side of Nazi Germany. [Cut to interview of alternate historian.] 'It's at this point Hitler surprises everyone by explaining that the Holocaust was just a really awful hazing ritual, and now the Jews would be accepted everywhere in Europe as true brothers.'"
The American Civil War
Nazis, that's history, I guess. But, really, is there anything history if it doesn't turn into a big babblefest about America?
Hell, no. America is the greatest and most super duper historicalistic nation to ever crack this world in the ass!
Therefore, real history is the history of the coolest thing America ever did: cut itself in half and then put itself back together with a bare minimum of scarring and free negroes. That's right: the Civil War.
And when we talk about the Civil War, we're really talking about the Confederacy, because no one gives a rat's ass about the alcoholic, man-raping Union generals who just torched shit and made the South look bad in the process.
We're talking about Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson.
Really zany shit the Confederates tried
Even better than Lee and Jackson, who were practically a pair of sedated zombies, is the chronicles of goofy shit the Confederates tried to win the war.
This usually starts out with the Confederates trying to build a submarine to break the Union blockade. But, we're talking about Southerners, right?
Yeah, right.
So, eventually, it turns into a project to build a ladder to the moon and leave three divisions there with the intention of kicking Neil Armstrong's ass and then taking the Apollo 11 return module back to the United States and stomping the shit out of the surprised U.S. government before they can even react.
Fortunately, the only people who knew to type in this section were mildly retarded, just like Cuba Gooding Jr.
War letters
It's kind of gay to admit it, but Americans don't really get down to things like bearded lunar hillbillies plowing out of a space capsule, hijacking an aircraft carrier, and winning the Civil War 100 years after it ended.
Nope. Americans like to think that they -- you and me, bucko, John Q. Public -- could have survived and thrived in a time without DirecTV Sunday Ticket and the most recent episodes of Lost, Law & Order, and Viva La Bam.
This means dredging up really long, antiquated prose written by guys with blue balls in gray uniforms, basically using super-secret Victorian-era ninja language to beg their old ladies to sneak out to the front lines and just give them a hand job before hostilities commenced.
"My dearest Sarah, Ye olde heart dost acheth for thine fairest face-eth. Meow, meow, meow, bulurbity blur blur. I do truly love thee. If but one more time I could verily breakdance on my father's plantation, I could die and leaveth this truly awful war forever. Your humble and obedient BDSM servant, Col. Polyester Johnson, 11th Wisconsin Rifles"
That right there -- that's History with a capital H.
All this is correct. However it fails to note that the term History stems from the ancient greek word Hysteria. The Y or "I greek" as the French term it, is converted to an I and the rest of it is changed somehow. History is actually a psychological disorder involving Promotion behaviour and exaggerated or uncontrollable behaviour (hence most history involves war, celebrities/rulers and disasters). Any history that involves day to day activities and boring ordinary nobodies is not real history. This is termed Archaeology
The other 12% of history
Is basically divided into efforts to caricature an entire ethnic group into their oddest and most interesting selves, or to make people think differently about themselves today by rewriting what is accepted about the past.
History
The history of history is historic. It generally repeats itself. As the very definition of history is that it is an event that has been written down, it follows that historians work from copies of their predecessors and only need to change the dates occasionally. Any difficulty in understanding this recursiveness leads to a "chicken or egg" discourse, which historians solve over an extended brunch of eggs and fried chicken, "southern" or Confederate style. For any laymen attempting to lay their hands on the original history text, so as to see what is going to happen next, historians have developed the Catch 22 defence, causing one's head to asplode. This is to safeguard their even more extended perpetual free lunch, the Holy Grail of all academics.
The current custodian of all historical texts is a closely guarded secret.
The samurai
About 1% of history pertains to romantic ideas driven by the notion that feudal Japan would have been a bitchin' place to live. Of course, this is not true, in light of the fact that most people in feudal Japan worked long hours in rice paddies, with utterly no ability to watch The View or Dr. Phil.
But, you draw me a caricature of a crazy-ass Jap with a sword, and I'll give you three kids who think that's a darn tootin' idea.
Thus, feudal Japan and its study are history, even if much of it only makes sense in the "No wonder we nuked those fuckers" context.
The art of the samurai is a sacred and ancient form of discipline. Training was hard for the samurai warriors but it was far beyond worth it as after their day of training they would sit down in front of the tv and enjoy a nice cold victoria bitter as vic is the best.
Apologizing for/to black people
About 3% of history is some form of apology for or to black folks. This usually includes things about the Negro League and how those black guys would have totally kicked Derek Jeter's ass if he mosied by the bar after the negroes had suffered a hard day of being black in the racist North of the later Industrial Age.
The rest is mostly about using black people as guinea pigs during World War II and the Cold War.
Cosmo magazine as history
This also sometimes called cultural history. Basically, instead of making a real effort to write history, which may require actually fucking research, you just go to the library and grab the oldest newspaper and magazine they have and write about whatever the ads have.
This acounts for nearly 3% of modern history, and is growing in amount.
"Tonight on the Hitler Channel, throughout the ages women have been beholden to the whims of men's raw pulsing beefiness. But, during the 1920s, electric hand-tools cause a revolution. The history of the 16-inch black dildo, at 8 pm tonight, only on the Hitler Channel."
See? Doesn't that beat the ass off listening to how Charlemagne's empire was divided along lines of property, thereby damning the one good chance for the Dark Ages to end before Leonardo da Vinci invents the cordless drill?
Really dusty old shit from Greeks or Englishmen
Thucydides, Gibbon, all that crap. The balance of what's left. Do the math yourself. I'm tired of this boring shit.
What People say about History
“The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Intentions
“History is bunk.”
~ Henry Ford, 1914 on History
“Actually I said, 'History is more or less bunk.”
~ Henry Ford, 1916 on History
“Ha ha! Did I say, 'History is more or less bunk?' What I meant was 'Shut up.'”
~ Henry Ford, 1917 on History
“History is the study of the past and therefore not to be undertaken by forward thinkers as it is likely they will reverse time.'”
~ English proverb C1800 on History
“Who cares?”
~ You in History class
Key Dates
- A Really, Really, like Really Fucking Long Time Ago: "In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." "Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" A lot of historians disagree as to the mode of creation. The most generally accepted theory is that the universe was created when Jean Claude Van Damme karate chopped the nothing before it because he was getting bored doing nothing. This is coincidentially also the first reported sighting of MacGyver, he was apparently spotted walking away from the scene with three paperclips imported from the newly-created Norway, a rubber band and three rolls of duct-tape (rumours indicate that he was also carrying a pocket knife and a rubber band, these two items apparently created before the universe. Sightings come from a reliable source (believed to be his noodly appendage)).
- 66 million B.C.: Rock band Status Quo are formed.
- 66 million minus one day B.C.: Macarena Song is Invented by a Plesiosaur.
- 66 million B.C.minus one day from one day:Saddam "Barack" Hussein Obama is crowned King of Dogs by Bo, the First Dog(not to be confused with Bo Bice).
- 65 million B.C.: The Heaven's Gate Dinosaurs commit mass suicide.
- 30 million B.C.: John McCain is the first land mammal to crawl out of the prehistoric ocean. He later evolves into a sub-race of human called a Republican.
- 25 million B.C.: Unix is invented.
- 929484 B.C.: Manners are invented.
- 929483 B.C.: Manners brutally slaughtered by a baby duck when they went for a morning walk.
- 6092 B.C.: Landmark Case of "Madison's Head" vs. "Marbury's Rock" establishes the precedent of pain as a punishment.
- 5052 B.C.: Oggg first listens to porno music; prefers the Stock, Aitken & Waterman remix.
- 4000 B.B.: Hammurabi establishes the one man = one vote: The one Hammurabi got One vote, for He was the only man.
- 4000 B.C.: History Begins. It will end in 2050. Anyone who tells you otherwise is completely wrong.
- 3020 B.C.: Earth lays an egg. Hammurabi calls it the Moon.
- 3000 B.C.: The Pyramids run out of LEGO.
- 2000 B.C.: Macarena song is re-invented by a cro-magnon, who uses it to annihilate neanderthals.
- 1969 B.C.:God makes the Jews his chosen people. Nothing bad ever happens to them again.
- 1017 B.C.: The murder of Fred Flintstone marks the official end of the Prehistoric era.
- 500 B.C.: Homosexuality is discovered by the ancient Greeks: it soon becomes popular.
- 499 B.C.: The Greeks combine their love of man-love with their love of boy-love (called the "Grecian Formula"). They start N.A.M.B.L.A. and within a century are extinct.
- 460 B.C.: The Greeks build a special MacArena to celebrate temporary peace.
- June 29th, 452 B.C.: Rome built. Union movement complains that workers not given sufficient smoke breaks.
- 431 B.C.: The case of Thucydides v History takes place as the man demands a paternity test to determine who is the real "Father of History".
- 0. B.C. or 0 A.D.: Lucas writes the Trilogy. Da Saviour, the Original Jesus, is born and takes away the sins of the world, for a few years, until people sin again.
- 1:Creation of the first morons.
- 10:Lucas Writes the Prequel.
- '28, February 29:Satan teaches the Macarena to Original Jesus whilst Original Jesus is on a holiday in the desert (as an aside, this was the first leap year - named as such 'cos of the leap Original Jesus did when he leapt for Joy on learning the Macarena).
- 32:Original Jesus begins formal teaching of the Macarena to his followers.
- 33:Original Jesus goes into hiding when his teachings of the Macarena are deemed too dangerous; followers create a fake death story.
- 62:Satan plans to create pure evil (eg. by teaching Emperor Nero the Macarena)
- 64:Emperor Nero gives first public concert of Macarena on the fiddle on July 18. Someone lights fire in protest.
- 66:Lucas reads the trilogy.
- 105:Gladiators fight with swords in Soldiers Field.
- 109:Satan finds a dinosaur skeleton.
- 311:A Roman radio DJ finds out an ancient partiture of Macarena (not Nero's version) and remixes it. Starts Decadency.
- 312: Homosexuality becomes popular in Rome.
- 500: America destroys Rome. Zulu tremble in fear.
- 666: Satan creates Barney.
- 683: Memory leak found in History: the years 400-499 were erased by hackers.
- 684: History-patch invented.
- 685: History-patch created for Memory leak 400's.
- 926: Sean Connery is born.
- 926: Americans wipe out the Zulus.
- 927: Vikings learn good ship building.
- 1000: Lief Ericson and the Vikings discover America, but have the good sense to return it.
- 1091: The Pope invents tap dancing.
- 1124: Samurai use swords to beat Barney. They later wait 100 years to find something to replace it.
- 1184: Filming of Monty Python and the Holy Grail stops.
- 1199: A Spanish Bard, on a tour around Arabia, sings the Macarena. As a result, more than 100,000 Arabs die in terror.
- 1200: Moors invade Spain and Portugal, to make them pay.
- 1224: Kung-Fu invented. Swords made useless.
- 1228: Guns invented, Kung-Fu made useless.
- 1229: Wire-Fu invented, guns again useless.
- 1231: Wireless-Fu invented, Wire-Fu is useless.
- 1232: Gay-Fu invented, but Gay-Fu is useless.
- 1250: Filming of Monty Python and the Holy Grail starts.
- 1308: British discover showers, find they dislike them, never use them again.
- 1309: The plague hits France.
- 1310: France attempts to hit back but misses.
- 1311: Charizard uses flamethrower, it's a critical hit! France is unable to fight ever again.
- 1337: Oprah born.Oscar Wilde Cries. Nerds crawl out of the primordial soup, and begin to do...nerdy...things...
- 1407: Old York City burned.
- 1465: Mozart sings in Atlantis, Plato dies and turns into plato, ballet invented by Richard Nixon.
- 1469: God first vacations in Rockport, Texas, a place not yet discovered by dirty Europeans.
- 1476: Some douchebag accidentally erases the universe by combining karaoke with way too much alcohol.
- 14 seconds later: The universe is recreated by MacGyver, using a rubber band, a broken wristwatch and a pair of speedos.
- 1492-1700's: Indians die, slavery starts. America becomes kickass.
- 1502: Leonardo Da Vinci paints the first homoerotic painting, the Manalisa.
- 1588: England gets drugged on tea.
- 1600: Shakespeare starts making porno and action movies.
- 1620: Pill-Grums discover football and turkey.
- 1650: Donald Trump builds Taj Mahal to impress the Egyptians.
- 1675: Toys R Us founded by Oscar and Olde Wylde. First Era of Hyphens begins.
- 1696: Joseph McCarthy starts the Salem witch trials.
- 1709: The Butt Pirates of the Caribbean sail the high seas.
- 1715: Sir Isaac Newton introduces drugs.
- 1735: Marijuana discovered by pirates.
- 1740: TV Show how to paint a wagon blue premieres.
- 1744: Stealing cable becomes popular.
- 1756: Satan creates USA.
- 1764: Era of Captain Hook begins. Flute music becomes popular, erotic art becomes popular, Voltaire invents disco. First Era of Hyphens ends.
- 1771: Scottish nationalists build Earth, then quickly invent history to avoid embarrassment.
- 1776: The people of Scotland build the U.S.A., Al Gore invents the internet,Mozart invent reggae.
- 1790-1810: A Frenchman goes mad by listening to the Macarena, puts a hand over his chest, dons a paper hat and manages to conquer all Europe claiming he is Napoleon.
- 1800's: Americans kick each other's asses.
- 1804: The Lois and Clarke Expedition begins.
- 1812: Francis Scott Key Writes Old McDonald Had a Farm.
- 1812-1815: War of 1812-1815.
- 1819: Beethoven makes his first porno music album.
- 1820: Oscar Wilde Heads to San Francisco to invent homosexuality, beginning the Second Era of Hyphens.
- 1838: Pornography invented in England.
- 1868: Canadians read pornography for the first time, find they like it.
- 1879: Oscar Wilde uses genetic engineering to create new bright yellow flower he calls "sunflower", and tries to market it around the world. Uptake is poor, as color is fading in the world.
- 1890: All the sound and color in the world vanishes.
- 1900: Americans too fat to kick any more ass. Blame Mcdonalds.
- 1900: First woman tries to start HERSTORY. Most people think it's a dumb idea, so it gets dumped for the superior His story.
- 1901: The first Victoria's Secret opens.
- 1902: The world's sound and color comes back briefly, then fades from over-use.
- 1915: Germany goes to war with Britain after Britain breaks Germany's DDR machine.
- 1917: Here be commies.
- 1923: Some guy named Warren Harding commits suicide by jumping off a cliff, no one cares.
- 1927: Charles Limburger flies across the Atlantic to Paris.
- 1932: Cow war.
- 1933: The world's sound and color come back.
- 1934: Franklin D. Roosevelt invents McDonalds to prevent social turbulence.
- 1935: McDonalds claims the world's red and yellow.
- 1945: Japan Bombs New York City with atomic bombs. Many people mutate and lose brain cells. These people later become known as "NY Yankees fans".
- 1945: Animals take over farm of Mr. Jones.
- 1961: Oscar Wilde founds the Hippies. Walt Disney founds the Hookers.
- 1962: Some stones starts rolling.
- 1963: JFK killed by lasers.
- 1968: McDonalds invents the McArena, but decides to dislike it a month later.
- 1975: Lucas releases the Trilogy.
- 1977: God invents funk and later likes it.
- 1989: Nothing happens in Beijing, China - nothing at aw. Now move arong, there nothing to see here.
- 1990: MC Hammer tries to touch everything, but fails.
- 1995: Everyman and all round good guy Michael Jackson releases HIStory - a lament about the state of his career.
- 2000: Americans panic, Al Gore's Internet might crash, Steer/Queer declares he will fixzor it. Second Era of Hyphens ends when the United States encounters a hyphen shortage. Hyphens later become extinct.
- 2004.8: First Monkey President: Monkey C. Monkeydoo.
- 2005: Google takes over the Internet.
- 2006: Some moron tries to fool everyone reading the History of the Earth into believing that the first monkey president was amazing by editing someone else's beautiful work. <Obligatory Oscar Wilde Statement here.>
- 2007: Pirates steal teh internets.
- 2012: Michael Phelps wins more gold in the Olympics London 2012.
- 2017: Plan 9 overtakes Windows.
- 2019: WWIII begins. Unlike previous World Wars, this world war attempts to mix up the popular formula by becoming a free-for-all.
- 2022: Europe is wiped out by Russia. Communists take over.
- 2049: America reduced to island the size of atom.
- 2050: History ends. Regardless of bombings and WWIII, no winner has been declared. Therefore, God chooses America as the winner, because it is the largest country still alive (the rest are the size of quarks).
- 2051: America holds a vote to decide whether the universe should continue. Existence wins by vote. Also this election had the largest voter turnout in 25 years; exactly three people vote.
- 2094: The human-machine war begins.
- 2095: Operation Dark Storm takes place on Earth, militars put a dark cloud to remove the sun from the machines.
- 2102: The machines win the war against humans.
- 2105: The machines create the Matrix. All humans are put in littles pink boxes to be used like Energizer bunny(Batteries).
- 2106: The machines decide to use batteries, throw out humans.
- 2112: Zombie Jesus returns to Earth riding upon Raptor Jesus, who is a known shooter of acid from his eyes.
- 2129: Anthrax made legal in school science workshops.
- 2300.5: USA invent world air-conditioning to prevent global warming, 80% of the world's population dies (including Satan).
- 3000: Satan accidentally deletes the Universe.
- 3100: Satan creates Universal patch v1.007. Universe is re-created (rumor has it that Satan believes himself to have created the patch but that it is in reality fixed by his noodly appendage. This intel is again provided by a reliable source, believed to be the original creator of the universe MacGyver).
- 3150: on the seventh day God recreates pornography for animals and robots... and he sees that it is good.
- 3425: Ice Age 6 terrorises children with its 5D experience of being eaten by a sealion.
- 3430: James Bond is finally killed in his latest film, "The Bond finally dies", starring Muhammad Jihad as James Bond and Bob Parker As Muhamma.
- 3692: Bond remade as James Blonde by the Nazi Jesus.
- 4231: All thoughts of rational logic are completely destroyed, the amount of stupidity in the Earth's atmosphere begins to plummet into the Earth, killing everyone with an IQ level of 45 or over.
- 4232: Hitler Invents Nahtzee. The creator and patcher of the universe discover that the disappeared people have in reality teleported themselves using paper clips and rubber bands to evade all the stupidity falling from the skies. The two join their fellow beings.
- 4532: The universe starts running away from a macro-fur.
- 4534: The macro-fur is tricked into stopping the largely injust chase by the creation of a gigantic DDR-machine by MacGyver with the material provided in a new-age religion and his pocket knife.
- 4535: The Jews invented toilet paper and sent it back in time, only to be found by an unknown writer who turns it into the world's most selling Sci-fi book - only to be crucified along with a man who sings "Always look on the bright side of life".
- 4536: The Jews forget how to make toilet paper.
See also
Little Bighorn
