Hiram Wesley Evans

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 20:00, September 18, 2013 by ScottPat (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
HWE

Hiram Wesley Evans takes part in the circus parade while on tour as a magician in the early days of the KKK.

Hiram Wesley Evans (26th September 1928 - 14th September 1966) was a humble dentist born in Alabama who followed the American dream and went from being a poorly paid teeth-whitening specialist living in Texas to being Lord High Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK and the Elder Elves in the space of two years. He took the initiative of taking the KKK from the joke spoof of a magician group to becoming a political power bent on the intention of making all African Americans disappear.

Famous points in Wesley's life were the 1923 Nuremburg, Pennsylvania rally and the capture and torture of an unnamed black man. He was well-known by KKK members for moving their headquarters to Washington D.C. while the President was away and thus gaining control of the Whitehouse. However when the President came back he found out that the KKK had been living in his house and so ironically demanded that their headquarters be moved to the less well-known Blackhouse where they still remain to this day.

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hiram Wesley Evans.

Early Life

Wesley had wanted to be a dentist ever since he was born as he had a mad obsession with machines that ripped out people's teeth and poured vile tasting paste and liquid down their throats. He had considered being a torturer at Guantanamo Bay at one point but decided that there were too many brown people there for his liking. His dream came true when his family moved to Texas where there were less tightly controlled dentistry regulations and a high concentration of Mexican immigrants to test dentistry methods on.

After getting an education at the Valkyrie University (Hitler's favourite piece of music was Ride of the Valkyrie's coincidentally), he received his Dentistry License in 1900. He opened up a small dentistry practice in Dallas and led a peaceful living as an "average man."[1] While he carried out this calm life of his he began (unknowingly) racking up things that would help him become a member of the KKK in later life such as becoming a Free Mason and refusing to serve Jewish customers at his dentist practice.

KKKToothpaste

The secret behind the KKK's magic whitening trick.[2]

Joining the KKK

After a few years of dentistry, Wesley was getting fed up of constantly dealing with black colored teeth of people who did not use enough toothpaste. He remarked in his dentistry diary, "I am fed up of constantly dealing with blackened teeth. What's worse is when the mould that causes blackening, which I perceive to be the ipitamy of all evil, seeps onto the skin and blackens the skin. When a man is succumed to this black skin disease he is no longer a man but a devil."[3] A friend overheard him complaining about people with black skin who didn't brush their teeth properly, one day and refered Wesley to a local magic circle known as the KKK (Khan's Kingly Konjurors) who were working on a magic trick to make a person's teeth transform from blackened to white in the matter of a few seconds.

Wesley joined immediatly and left his Dentist practice in 1920 to become a wizard in the KKK. They toured Texas all throughout that year performing tricks such as turning Jews into frogs, making black people disappear and whitening people's teeth and skin. Despite the success they had the tour had to be stopped short at San Antonio half-way through as the casualty list for their audience participation members was stacking up. One newspaper wrote at the time, "The KKK tour was stopped short this year after many people watching the tour did not return in a safe condition. Some audience members when they were made to disappear were lost for ever and a black man was once burnt to death by accident in the KKK's famous "Lynch and Burn" trick."[4]

Expanding the influence of the KKK

By 1921 Wesley had been so highly recognised by the KKK that he was promoted to the position of "great titan" of the "Realm of Texas" and was incharge of all the KKK in Texas. He was fed up with the KKK being just a magic group and only using the magic whitening toothpaste on stage. Wesley wanted industrial production of this toothpaste, he wanted to wipe out the black disease in the USA. He wanted to bring the KKK into fore-front politics.

Wesley set to work and began putting forward KKK members in local elections. He encouraged many other states in the South to do this as well and soon all KKK members across the country began campaigning. He spent all the money he had on building factories to produce toothpaste to cure the black disease. He opened up a "KKK Dentistry Practice" where he could experiment with plucking out teeth from black people to see whether they would turn white.[2] Wesley protested against the lynching of blacks as it was too boring to watch. Instead Wesley favoured drilling into the blacks' brains with dentistry tools.

KKKSF

A poster inspired by Wesley's reforms of the KKK.

In November 1922 Wesley became leader of the Klan and set up a KKK party with Party Rules. His rules covered the broadest aspects of the party:

  1. This a teeth whitening organisation.
  2. This is an organisation for those with only one male genital.
  3. This is a Dixie Land organisation.
  4. This is a Protestant organisation (despite the fact we dress up like Catholics).

Wesley wrote that the right to govern of the USA should be held by white, Anglo-Saxon protestants as, as every redneck knows, Jesus himself was white, protestant and spoke English. He supported the rise of Anglo-Saxon dominance in the USA, which funnily enough had already been acheived long before his time and he supported the crushing of other races as the Dentistry Bible itself says that "Those who have a spec of black are devils on our Earth."[5]

National Leadership of the KKK Campaign

Wesley reformed the KKK by basing their hatred of blacks on more scientific terms such as those he had worked out through dentistry. He called immigrants "superstitious, religious, communists" and accused them of dressing up in funny costumes and burning things (such as the American flag). He gave Senator McCarthy all the fuel needed to condemn the black civil rights groups of being a "virus working against the basis of scientific dentistry that keeps this country flowing."[6]

Thanks to Wesley's leadership and his Nuremburg, Pennsylvania Rally of 1923, the party grew in the North and got the support of industrial workers such as 40,000 citizens of Detroit. He attacked Catholicism as he said that the religion was responsible to the recent UFO attacks on Earth[7] and for the growing Spanish population who had heard about the Battle of the Alamo and now all wanted a turn at slaughtering Americans locked up in Churches.

Wesley even went as far as purchasing a school in Indiana to brainwash the population there into believing that minority groups were dangerous. This led to a mass suicide in the 78% Native American population attending the school and the school was forced to be closed down.

Wesley clashed with many people and groups when he was leader of the Klan. He was accused of being a racist and got into a brush with the law many times. He took this in his stride saying that they "call me a racist but I am a dentist, it's just because the two words sound the same and they're too dumb to realize they are the same...hang on. Where's my dictionary?"[1] Many civil rights campaigners called him uneducated and old-fashioned. Wesley's reply to that was poorly received due to his Texan twang, his frequent pauses to look up what a black person was in his encyclopedia and the constant sound of his wife's spindle machine making cloth.

By 1924 the KKK had reached 6 million members, which was a helpful number for the government as it showed how many rednecks lived in the USA still and therefore how many citizens bunked off school.

Decline of the Klan

WesleyWizard

Wesley desperately needed to advertise the Klan in the period of decline and also desperately needed more funding so acting was the best way forward for him.

By 1925 the Klan was experiencing internal instability with some KKK members opting for operating on blacks using surgical methods instead of dentistry methods. The Grand High Lord Imperial Dragon John Galen Locke prefered to attack blacks with chainsaws and scapels than toothpicks and toothbrushes. Wesley forced him to resign and the party began to look old-fashioned and not modernising with new medical weaponary. To make matters worse some KKK members were found to have black teeth and were branded hypocrites and traitors by the democratic oligarchy at the top of the KKK.

In 1926 Wesley marched on Washington and enacted the whole headquarters scandal to try and gain publicity however it failed and Wesley's KKK headquarters ended up being in the Blackhouse and not the Whitehouse. In 1929 Wesley realized that the party was collapsing and in a last ditch attempt founded the Tea Party to carry on right-wing extremist ideals in the USA.

Hitler saves Wesley

Luckily for Wesley, Adolf Hitler was having much more success than him over in Germany and had managed to convince quite a few Germans that the Jewish people were evil. Wesley heard about this and claimed that Hitler's scientific experiments proved that all minority races were inferior. This all played into his hands and he began a fascist campaign in the USA trying to get the USA to back the Nazis during the war.

Wesley began copying Hitler's methods of gaining power. He attempted to get funding from major US companies by claiming he was the most capitalist man alive. From this Wal Mart paid him $2 to bug off and told him his point of view was too cheap for them. Next, he organized a secret police force. However, he then realized there was no need, as the FBI was oppressive enough anyway.

Wesley's downfall and death

Unfortunately the USA seemed to favour anti-fascism more and Wesley never got the support that he needed. By 1936 the KKK membership dropped to 100,000 people and the price of toothpaste rose dramatically as all the factories closed down. Wesley resigned and took up a new job as a highway maintanence man who helped the AAA maintain superior quality roads. In doing this he was fired in 1938 for painting a whole road white instead of just some white lines. His excuse that the "Tarmac had turned too black under the heat of the Sun" was not excepted.

Wesley never took back to his old profession of dentistry and instead fled around the country escaping from the rising immigrant population while injecting his special teeth-whitening toothpaste on surprised victims everywhere he went. He was finally caught on his deathbed in 1966 and died. His last words being, "Oh dang! My teeth is turning black, I must be cleansed."

See Also

References

  1. 1.0 1.1 Hiram Wesley Evans (1955) A Book I Wrote About Myself
  2. 2.0 2.1 David Colgate (1934) A Reflection on the Use of Toothpaste in the Early 20th Century
  3. Wesley Dentistry Practice Publications (1916) Dentistry Records and Notes
  4. Daily Houston (1920)
  5. Hiram Wesley Evans (1922) Dentistry from a Biblical Perspective
  6. Hiram Wesley Evans (1924) Speech to the Dentists
  7. Only KKK members held the view that these attacks actually happened.
Personal tools
projects