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“Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”
“They're not people, they're hippies!”
“They left my nether regions reeking of pachouli.”
“Did you mean: croppies.”
“Free Sex and Drugs or Vietnam. Which would you have picked?”
Hippies are what your mother and father used to be when they were adolescents. They might look very prim and proper right now, and they constantly tell you to finish your vegetables, but they were actually very wild and crazy when they were your age. They started the whole "Hey maann, groovy.." slang and the drug-doing, publicly-nude, authority-hating, Age of Aquarius thing that continues to be re-emulated troughout the 90's and today. As ironic as it may seem, your parents actually started the very rebellious lifestyle that they are trying to stop you from taking part in in.
Hippies believe that their politics and lifestyle hold the key to humanity's salvation, but in actuality ruin everything, and must be destroyed. They are drunk 24/7, and, whell, dont know what condoms are. Hippies are the pawns of neoconservative fascists, as evidenced by their support for Ralph Nader in the 2000 presidential election and their tendency to homosexuality.
Hippies in General
The first recorded use of the term "hippie" was in 19th century Britain, referring to pie. Vendors in the marketplaces of London who could not afford wooden carts would artfully use their bodies to display their products, hence placing the pies on their hips (i.e., hip-pies, man). The horizontal position of the hip-pie vendors came to be associated in the Victorian mind with all manner of vice and sexual perversion, such as looking up skirts to see the outer layer of the inner skirts, man.
Hippies are a subspecies of... of... eh... well, something.. We haven't figured it out yet. They are distinguished by their long hair that flows like the unfettered (and slightly strange smelling) wind. Hippies are also distiguished by their frequent and copious consumption of marijuana, to the point of being kind of pathetic. It is for this reason that many hippies join PETA, because high-ranking PETA officials offer them loads of pot. 
Ahron Turk is the most wanted hippie of this area and is thought to be in Richland Center, WI. Call his house and hug a tree.
Contrary to what the name seems to indicate, these aren't hippies who hug trees, dude, man. Tree huggers are an altogether different breed of hippy, who, through their practice of dendrophilia intend to save the worlds forests... or hump them... either way.
The giggling stoner is a pretty common form of hippy and can usually be found in places with a wide array of shiny objects and lots of drugs!
The years since the 1960's have seen a noticable decline in the number of hippies worldwide. In 1968 there were perhaps millions of hippies roaming the forests and plains of america. That number has shrunk down to the tens of thousands and is expected to continue declining in the future. Fewer and fewer hippies are born each year, while their natural enemies the emo kids have seen a surge in population. The cause of this may be a result of recent urbanization in certain areas of the world that makes the land unsuitable for hippies because cities totally kill their buzz, man. All that government and cement is just, like, bad.
Most hippies didn't know they were hippies until some one told them in a song. It started when Alan Ginsberg, Maharishi, Bob Dylan, Ira Ram Dass, Zappa, and, like, the sultans of cool, The Yardbirds, all started listening to Cleary (no relation to marble of same name) rant about the Thardo Bodal - The Tibetan Book of Like, Wow! which was instant enlightenment through sacred LSD ingestion OR smoking the dried skin of Sahara bananas. The catch was it all leads to NOthingness - if you can dig that. This message of "Make Love Not War in the Void" was propounded by such psych bands as Jefferson Starship, The Misunderstood, The Grateful Dead, The 3rd Bardo, as well as smaller, unknown bands like the Beatles (all of whom ripped off the Yardbirds, Man). We're talking, like, psychedelic music here. Catch my drift? If you can't SEE your music then you’re not listening to a Psychedelic or Hippie tune. Real psychedelic music, as it was brought to Earth by Aquarius (after Deshvarothu traded his "out there" record collection for a life-time supply of Soma), was divided into two types:
- British Psychedelic - Mods on hash, metallic, explosive, loud, radical, feed back, and other madness deemed music by unknown British DJ, John Peel.
- USA Psychedelic - Country hicks on weed, thin "plunk plunk" guitar, rinky-dink drums, uncool funky clothes and main concern being the draft, deemed music by unknown US DJ, John Peel.
It should be noted that during the 'swinging sixties' the devil himself took the shape of "Uncle Sam Wants You!" poster, and all musicians from the USA faced the Vietnam War Draft and were unable to play freely. During the same period the British musicians had no such restrictions. The result was Heavy Metal and Punk. All this appeared to further aggravate General Westmoreland, in spite of his being a closet Hippy Music lover, as well as his gay son being Press Agent of seminal Punk band, "Body Count".
The most famous Hippie music lyrics are: "Help! I'm a rock!" by Pat Boone from his infamous song, "Zonked in Church" (ref. Let It ALL Hang Out album - 1967). Later in the 20th Century these same lyrics were ripped-off by Porn star Peter North while explaining his dilemma in a Hustler Magazine article (Issue No 666). When asked about the article Larry Flint proved he was not a true Hippie when he replied, "Whattya expect ME to do about it? Sure I'm against FREE love!" Ref. Hustler Magazine article (Issue No 667). To this Alan Ginsberg retorted, "Screw him!" (Ref. Digger's Times, No 1).
The most significant example of the power of Hippie music was its use by the North Vietnamese to defeat the World during the Vietnam War. They broadcast to the troops via a dummy Radio Show, "Good Morning, Suckers!" hosted by DJ double agent Robin Williams. It is believed to have been the most popular Radio Show on Earth until the start of the 1970s when it's popularity declined along with Hipology (also see VOID).
Interesting fact: It has been determined by dudes who know about this shit (DWKATS) that a Pink Floyd concert uses more electricity than the town of Alamo, Texas, USA uses in 93,533.71 years - which amounts to 9,873,008,900 barrels of crude oil converted into juice. (Ref. Expert's Guide to Beginner Science, Issue No. 1967.5 AD). When asked about this Hippie energy waste the Gov. of Texas (who's son and two daughters are hippies) replied (with a grin), "Hell, 'lectric chair ain't cheap neither."
Hippies get laid... a lot, so while it's easy to make fun of them, it's important to keep this in mind, dude, man. On the other hand, their women are stinky and have hairy armpits, but beneath all of this hair is the cure for AIDS, dude, man, so, like, come on, guy...The female hippies vagina smells like cheese that has been left out in the sun on a sweltering July afternoon.
Showering is completely optional for the true hippie, in fact, a distinct smell of body odor tends to attract female hippies intent on producing mini hippie babies. The intoxicating mix of human stench, pot smoke, and a ritualistically applied patchouli oil creates a natural hippie pheremone that's like cosmic moonbeams and sunshine rainbows... you know what I mean, dude, man?
Hippies wear bright, clown-like clothing as a reaction to perceived social conformity. However, like most hippie beliefs this one is inherently hypocritical, as they will ostracize anyone who does not dress exactly like they do. When dressing as a hippie, be prepared to invest large amounts of money and time in an attempt to look like you don't give a damn about what people think of you. Hippies are actually shy people, and quantum physics has proven that if you are wearing more then 8 unmatched colours, you are invisible to beings seeing through the consumer spectrum.
- Hair: Economics reigns here, as those fruitcakes that call themselves hairdressers are known terrorists and besides, Hippies have constant bed-head from getting laid all the time. Free love, dude, man.
- Deodorant: None. Just the patchouli oil, ritualistically applied to enhance natural body odors
- Soap: Nah, man - au naturale, like Jesus, living off the land...
- Magic Vans: Hippies, masters of cunning and confusion, like to paint peace signs on vans which are then run into anything and everything in a symbolic display of anti-governmental protest. The Pentagon has considered hippie vans as a fifth mode of attack (after land, sea, air and space).
- Weed trousers: These pants, made from hemp, are known as "Weed Trousers" because hemp is the male variety of the cannabis strain. Ironically, they never really "took-off," except at airports, where hippies are forced to take them off, as a precaution.
- Shirt: They usually wear multicoloured shirts, possible made of used condom shreds or Marijuana stems,dude .
What Hippies Won't Eat
- non-magical brownies
- Obscure Metal Bands.
- Gruyere cheese with a consistency less than 'wet dog'
- Anything not organic, it has to be overpriced shit from Whole Foods
- sweet, succulent, tasty veal
- A grue, It will eat them.
- Anything that isn't real or anything that hasn't been invented yet
- Actually intelligent beings, because hippies are their favorite snack food.
Your Hippie Heritadge
Nothing can be worse than finding out your parents were hippies though, man (with the possible exception of having a fish stuffed in your ear). I mean, come on dude! The emotional baggage alone will drive you to their stash - which most often can be found in the garage, in boxes labeled: "Economics Books" Or "Cher Music." This is an ingenious hippie parent trick and should not throw you off. Some cunning hippies will in fact store their stash among the aforementioned items. Handle the contents with caution, remember - you're looking for the stash, not the years of therapy you'll need when you experience the other items, that's totaly heavy man... Alexander (mhippie)Valdes
Hey, mitch, write stuff about me and the absolute fascist mum in here you motherbitch
There is no known cure for being a hippie other than suicide, man. Although straightjackets have recently become popular, the suggested method of cure for being a hippie is still killing them, preferably dressed in a clown costume because then the hippie will think you're one of their own. Killing hippies is extremely easy and can be done with virtually any household appliance. Preferably a flashlight with a large oversized handle. This object quickly brings back memories of cops in the 60's that brought about mass buzz kill during hippie marches.
As hippies have no jobs/friends/life, they are constantly bored and aggravated. They worship the Hippie Bible, which features commandments such as "Love thy nectar" and "Thou shalt not bathe." A major part of this religion involves interrupting actual hard working people in an act they call "protesting", but we call "FUCK OFF!" Many make signs (ironically out of lopped trees turned to paper) with some of the smartest comments you will ever read. A couple of common examples include "Trees Can't Fight Back" and "Animals Are People Too." With brilliant minds such as those involved in the creation of these signs being involved in the hippie lifestyle, it is hard to tell that all hippies dropped out in eighth grade and started smoking pot.
What To Do If You Encounter a Hippie
If you get the misfortune of being cornered by hippies, simply use the following instructions:
- Ask yourself just who this rudderless hippie is, and if he has a hunting knife strapped to his shin.
- Run like hell, hippies only bite if you stay still, as weed pants aren't good to run in.
- Inform them that you have a spoon, and if they need their tonsils they better stand back.
- Try to distract them by yelling "Look over there! A group of small furry animals being beaten by military police!"
- Pretend you are a Greek traveling salesman, and offer them samples of whatever is handy, telling them it's hummus.
- Play Dead.
- Slowly raise your arms, and make the peace sign, while saying "Peace , love and unity brother".
This should confuse the hippie into thinking you might be a hippie, at which point you should run
- BY NO MEANS SHOULD THE PHRASE "COMMUNISM CAN'T WORK" EVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH> THEY WILL NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP AFTER YOU SAY THAT.
- If all that doesn't work........ I dunno, shit yourself!
- If shitting yourself doesn't work get the hippie your pants and a sock for his/her hair.
- Suck their cunt juice.
- Remember hippies are people to... ah who am i kidding.
Five Steps To Ward Off an Enraged Hippie
Hippies are generally a peace loving nomadic tribe that wanders from one forest preserve to another (occasionally entering into our modern day cities for what they call “the munchies”), man. However after ingesting large amounts of mushrooms, it is quite often that hippies go on “bad trips,” dude. It is generally known that hippies avoid confrontation at any cost, but when high on shrooms they suddenly become violent and unpredictable, man. To a tripping hippie reality no longer exists, cats look like dogs, apples look like oranges, and babies can be blended into a smooth tasty drink, dude. If you are confronted by an enraged hippie, do not panic, just remember to follow these five easy steps, man.
STEP TWO: YOU MUST REMAIN CALM, man. While high, a hippie's senses are heightened, and it is rumored that they can smell fear.
STEP FIVE: EMPTY ALL FOOD FROM YOUR POCKETS, man. Many victims of hippie attacks are hurt while the hippie/hippies are trying to get at concealed food, man.
STEP ONE: HUM A SIMON & GARFUNKEL SONG, man. The soothing folk music will often put the hippie to sleep, man.
STEP FOUR: DISTRACT THE HIPPY WITH OBJECTS ON YOUR PERSON, man. Cell phones, car keys, and cheap hand tricks are all effective distractions that will distance the hippie from his rage, man. WARNING: Do not take the hippie's nose!!!
STEP SEVEN: TERMINATE, man. If you have reached Step Five it is safe to say you are dealing with a level five hippie attack, man. Hippies at stage five cannot be brought back from their state and must be terminated or captured with a Pokeball, man. Hippies can only be killed by silver bullets, garlic, holy water, responsibility, or The Man. So make sure to always carry one or more of these items on you at all times, man.
NOTE: If the hippie is not enraged please look for help in the "What To Do If You Encounter a Hippie" section, man.
Random Hippie Trivia
- Many hippies graduated from Bronx Science. It is rumored that the school is a breeding ground for these creatures. However, no one has yet been able to confirm this, because, like, I had the mad munchies, man.
- In 1965, hippies were given LSD by the US government and their brains were linked to a supercomputer to help plan bombing strategies for the war in Vietnam, man. Needless to say the plan didn't work, dude.
- Like, despite their hatred of government, Hippies convinced His Honor Supreme Lord Emperor George Dubya Bush that Weapons of Mass Destruction existed in Iraq, thus saving the world from, like, stuff.
- National Kick a Hippie Day was instituted in 1974 by Richard Nixon, man. It's celebrated on April 18th, dude. That totally sucks 'cause its, like, Geoff's birthday. Hippies forget about it because they're, like, stoned, although regular people forget about it because they're, like, so busy with their taxes, man. But it was because people were upset over taxes that, like, Nixon initiated National Kick a Hippie Day, so people could kick a hippie and feel better about themselves while paying taxes, man. Wierd. But it seems everyone was stoned, because taxes were actually due on the 15th of April.
- Hippies are illegal in the People's Republic of China, man.
- When shopping for accessories for your hippie, remember it's a "tobacco water pipe" not a "bong," man.
- Like, hippies string together sentences using the word "like" and usually end it with "man," man. Be careful not to confuse this use of "like" with, like, that of the Valley Girl, because they're totally into consumerism, man.
- Why not play a game of "Find your own foot" with a stoned hippie, hours of fun man!
- Hippies began to disappear and try to fit into regular society (see your parents), because of nearly being driven to extinction by excessive hippie hunting in the late '60s and early '70s, man. However, it is prophesised that one day hippies will rise again and finally take down the man, dude, and then they'll fill the world with shinies and moonbeams.
Hippies are actually complete retards because thay are for abortions but not for killing convicted murderers. William Shakeyoursphere once quoted " to be civilized is that of your opinion but thy humble hippie is than a bunch OXI-MORONIC, COMMIE LOVING, WORTHLESS, NON-MEAT EATING,AIR WASTERS.