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“Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.”
“They're not people, they're hippies!”
“Free Sex and Drugs or Vietnam. Which would you have picked?”
Hippies (homo groovius) are a semisentient subspecies of humanity that first evolved in the 1960s and are now mostly extinct. The result of experimental drug testing on bunny rabbits, hippies transformed the face of the United States and Great Britain. The hippie race was characterized by their outtasite vibes, psychedelic drugs, smelly odors, obscenely long hair, and above all, the tendency to "fight the power." Hippies were extremely active in both politics and sex, and often confused the two. Liberal tendencies and fornication are now thought of as the reason for overpopulation in the world today.
Black hippies, brotha!
Black hippies are a subspecies of the hippie subspecies, making them a subsubspecies. Black hippies differ from conventional hippies in that they got style. Black hippies were noticeably blacker, wore more bling, and were more likely to not work for the man every night and day.... Black hippies were more violent than other hippies and more likely to belong to a secret society like the Black Panthers or the Nation of Islam.
Groovy sounds, man!
Most hippies didn't know they were hippies until some one told them in a song. It started when Alan Ginsberg, Maharishi, Bob Dylan, Ira Ram Dass, Zappa, and, like, the sultans of cool, The Yardbirds, all started listening to Cleary (no relation to marble of same name) rant about the Thardo Bodal - The Tibetan Book of Like, Wow! which was instant enlightenment through sacred LSD ingestion OR smoking the dried skin of Sahara bananas. The catch was it all leads to NOthingness - if you can dig that. This message of "Make Love Not War in the Void" was propounded by such psych bands as Jefferson Starship, The Misunderstood, The Grateful Dead, The 3rd Bardo, as well as smaller, unknown bands like the Beatles (who not only were hippies, but transgenders as well). We're talking, like, psychedelic music here. Catch my drift? If you can't SEE your music then you’re not listening to a Psychedelic or Hippie tune. In 1969, scientists from all over the world gathered near Woodstock to observe the largest recorded hippie gathering in history. The groovy rhythms provided by hippie bands like The Who drove thousands of hippies into a mating frenzy that was dutifully recorded in every orgiastic detail by numerous researchers.
Trippin' drugs, man. Whoa...
Generally thought of as the defining trait in hippies are the copious amounts of narcotics and hallucingens that make up the hippies' diet. In the 1960s, the marijuana, LSD, crack cocaine, and smoked Sahara banana peels that was pumped into the U. S. for President Lyndon B. Johnson's personal enjoyment was piling up. In a grandiose show of kindness to the lesser races, LBJ gave most of it to the hippies scattered across the nation. When critics accused LBJ of being on drugs at the time for getting rid of so many good drugs, LBJ stopped them and said-- "Hey! Hey! Whoaaa....." Drugs left hippies in a state of constant stoned-ness, which some claimed to be Nirvana. However, hippies often made easy targets for hunters. This is a contributing factor to the next sectio... hey, man... whoa... groovy.... I love you, pretty colors..... *crack* thud
Hippies reproduced constantly, any place, any time, any one. For ugly people, it was an amazing time. The mating process was very simple, one only had to say, "come on baby, light my fire" and you were goin'. However, for that extra advantage, hippies often refrained from showering for years at a time, which created a distinct smell of body odor that tended to attract female hippies intent on producing mini hippie babies. The intoxicating mix of human stench, pot smoke, and a ritualistically applied patchouli oil creates a natural hippie pheremone that's like cosmic moonbeams and sunshine rainbows... you know what I mean, dude, man...? The complete and total free love, man, had several setbacks that contributed to the downfall of hippies in the '80s, namely, AIDS and you.
Hippies get laid... a lot, so while it's easy to make fun of them, it's important to keep this in mind, dude, man. On the other hand, their women are stinky and have hairy armpits, but beneath all of this hair is the cure for AIDS, dude, man, so, like, come on, guy...The female hippies vagina smells like cheese that has been left out in the sun on a sweltering July afternoon.
Hippies wear bright, clown-like clothing as a reaction to perceived social conformity. However, like most hippie beliefs this one is inherently hypocritical, as they will ostracize anyone who does not dress exactly like they do. When dressing as a hippie, be prepared to invest large amounts of money and time in an attempt to look like you don't give a damn about what people think of you. Hippies are actually shy people, and quantum physics has proven that if you are wearing more then 8 unmatched colours, you are invisible to beings seeing through the consumer spectrum.
As hippies have no jobs/friends/life, they are constantly bored and aggravated. They worship the Hippie Bible, which features commandments such as "Love thy nectar" and "Thou shalt not bathe." A major part of this religion involves interrupting actual hard working people in an act they call "protesting", but we call "FUCK OFF!" Many make signs (ironically out of lopped trees turned to paper) with some of the smartest comments you will ever read. A couple of common examples include "Trees Can't Fight Back" and "Animals Are People Too." With brilliant minds such as those involved in the creation of these signs being involved in the hippie lifestyle, it is hard to tell that all hippies dropped out in eighth grade and started smoking pot.
Random Hippie Trivia
- Many hippies graduated from Bronx Science. It is rumored that the school is a breeding ground for these creatures. However, no one has yet been able to confirm this, because, like, I had the mad munchies, man.
- In 1965, hippies were given LSD by the US government and their brains were linked to a supercomputer to help plan bombing strategies for the war in Vietnam, man. Needless to say the plan didn't work, dude.
- Like, despite their hatred of government, Hippies convinced His Honor Supreme Lord Emperor George Dubya Bush that Weapons of Mass Destruction existed in Iraq, thus saving the world from, like, stuff.
- National Kick a Hippie Day was instituted in 1974 by Richard Nixon, man. It's celebrated on April 18th, dude. That totally sucks 'cause its, like, Geoff's birthday. Hippies forget about it because they're, like, stoned, although regular people forget about it because they're, like, so busy with their taxes, man. But it was because people were upset over taxes that, like, Nixon initiated National Kick a Hippie Day, so people could kick a hippie and feel better about themselves while paying taxes, man. Wierd. But it seems everyone was stoned, because taxes were actually due on the 15th of April.
- Hippies are illegal in the People's Republic of China, man.
- When shopping for accessories for your hippie, remember it's a "tobacco water pipe" not a "bong," man.
- Like, hippies string together sentences using the word "like" and usually end it with "man," man. Be careful not to confuse this use of "like" with, like, that of the Valley Girl, because they're totally into consumerism, man.
- Why not play a game of "Find your own foot" with a stoned hippie, hours of fun man!
- Hippies began to disappear and try to fit into regular society (see your parents), because of nearly being driven to extinction by excessive hippie hunting in the late '60s and early '70s, man. However, it is prophesised that one day hippies will rise again and finally take down the man, dude, and then they'll fill the world with shinies and moonbeams.
Hippies are actually complete retards because thay are for abortions but not for killing convicted murderers. William Shakeyoursphere once quoted " to be civilized is that of your opinion but thy humble hippie is than a bunch OXI-MORONIC, COMMIE LOVING, WORTHLESS, NON-MEAT EATING,AIR WASTERS.
- ↑ Doing it swinging from lampposts was especially popular.