Hinduism
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 Warning, reasoned discussion with a Hindu may cause homosexuality.
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Hinduism is the name for a pack of gods which can include ants to elephants and your mother in law. Some silicon valley based lifeforms claim it is also a religion. Hinduism has been cited in the Guinness Book of Records as the only religion where the number of Gods outweigh the number of followers. The main purpose of a Hindu's life is to be more like the gods by having promiscuous sex and multiplying until the number of their offspring reaches close to the number of gods.
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Floating on polytheism, or: Anything goes
In spite of common belief, the Hindus don't have that many Gods. Their gods are very similar to Pokémon, every few years some more are created. However, recent archaeological discoveries have proved that ancient Hindus had excessive love for multiplication. Therefore, they used to multiply their gods and make many children. Hindus finding that there is nothing cool about their religion often try to absorb Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism (against their will) as Hinduism to try and gain some credibility. Out of desperation they are adamant that the followers of these religions are actually Hindu even though the adherents of these religions are adamant that they are not. A fine example of religious tolerance.
Floating in time
The development of Hinduism can shortly be divided into seven thousand phases. That it is just seven is not depending upon that it really has been seven different steps in the Hindu theological development, but because seven is a holy number in Hinduism and everything that can be divided in seven must so be, unless it can be divided in three instead.
Seven is also the number of ingredients that go into the making of Soma, the ever sacred juice, the imbibing of which stirred the creative juices of the creator that flavour all of Vedic thought. Juicy lyrics or hymns to Soma, the Juice, are more fully contained in the Soma Veda, from where they have been shamelessly hacked by rock & roll stars of the 20th century like Schrödinger's cat, Nikola Tesla, Will Durant, John Lennon, Aldous Huxley, Max Muller, and Jimmy Page without citations.
The Early Vedic State
Sketch: Hindus climb down the Hindukush and start to fight the Dravidian. Religion close to Nordic Asa Belief. Caste system evolves, as well as reincarnation ideas. The brahmins revere the Gods and tremble before them with prayers of mercy. During one of the many prayers, one of the Brahmins after having had a hearty meal, happens to let out a huge burp, sounding something like "AaaauuuuuMMM". The Gods who had until now been threatening and menacing suddenly fall into a trance. The intelligent Brahmins (they declared themselves as such), are quick to catch on and realize the pacifying effect saying "AaaaauuuuMMM" has on the angry Gods. Not only that, the pacified Gods also ask the Brahmins to try and improve the chant the word.
The Brahmins then make it an official decree, that whoever, err...sorry only whichever Brahmin desires to please a God and wants the God to do his bidding has only to chant "Aum"(why waste time going "AaaauuuMMM"?).
The Attack of the Classic Period
Sketch: The quest for enlightenment arises. Brahmins start to get haughty. They talk to the Gods as equals through the Divine language of perfectly pronounced Sanskrit.
The Phantom Brahman
Sketch: Now the brahmins start to claim the Universe for themselves. They order the Gods Around as Wallahs.The textbook brahmanas is written by the bramins who there state that all property owned by other castes can be claimed by a brahmin if he has a divine reason to do so. In the Ahapramsara Sutra it is later clarified that "divine reason" means "wants it". The Brahmanas also state that any adultery between a brahmin and a wife belonging to another caste shall be looked upon as a sacred act to be worshipped by the cuckold husband. This later writings has been proposed as the direct reason behind the ksyatryan buddhist reformation.
The Return of the Upanishads
Sketch: Hindu rebellion against brahman orthodoxy. Hinduism is losing market shares to Jainism and Buddhism. Hindus learn from Buddhists how to make sly speculations about the non-existential aspects of existence. The Brahmins are quite pissed off with the Gods and gives them a decent telling-off.
The Classic Era Strikes Back
Sketch: Golden age of Hinduism, as they move from dominating cornershops to supermarkets. The Brahmins start a law suit against the Gods.
Post-Shakira modernism
Hindus are seen as peaceful, quite unlike the money loving Jews who like to kill babies for land!
The era of the Gurus
Sketch: The Beatles go Hindu and now everyone want their own sitar to levitate with in their back yard ashram. The Brahmins get a new fate in the American Express Company. The Brahma Kumaris take over the Indian Government, then the United Nations just before the world is destroyed by Nuclear Bombs leaving just 900,000 of their followers to enjoy heaven on earth.
Floating on Principles
Hinduism shares many practices with other religions but has a few unique beliefs -
- Pray to everything that moooooooos.
- Kamasutra, which other religion gives you free advice on sex?
- Like a vulture preys on anything that doesn't move, a Hindu prays to anything that does.
- Only brahmins can achieve enlightenment. Sorry. No excuses.
- The only way to be reborn as a brahmin is to let your eldest son light a funeral fire of sandalwood.
- Sandalwood may only be sold by brahmins
- All kind of manslaughter is forbidden, except on baby elephants
- Everyone must take a bath in the very POLLUTED Ganges because it increases your tolerance quotient, and increasing the tolerance is the first step towards enlightenment.
- You get the death sentence for killing a cow
- A Cow's life is worth more than that of a lower caste person
- Cow piss milkshake is the best alternative to lemonade
- A woman has to sit on the shivlingem (Shiva's penis) statue to get fertile if she cannot get pregnant
The Answer to All Questions
.....Close thine eyes child, and look up to the sky(!!). Concentrate on your breathing. Breath in. Breathe out. Breath in. Breath out. Now, that you're relaxed. Chant the word "OM" (Ω) over and over again, till you get that heady feeling.
Best frikkin' solution!! Hallucinating, man. I is like-a this!!
Opposing Philosophies within Hinduism
- Jnana (Monism - Voidism - or atheism)
- Yoga (Inbetweenism - flying carpet)
- Bhakti (Dualism or theism)
Reincarnation
Hindus believe in reincarnation, and the cycle goes on as follows:
Rock -> Beetle -> Umang -> skinny white man -> Indian -> Whapanese -> Teh Pope -> Rock -> Hulk Hogan -> Pamela Anderson -> Gandhi
And yea , did I forget Oscar Wilde ?
If you want to look, act, and feel like the the skinny Indian guy off the Nestlé yoghurt adds, then Hindu is for you. And remember; to be hindu JUST ADD WATER
See also
