Hillary Clinton

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{{Infobox Monarch
{{Infobox Monarch
| name =Hillary
| name =Hillary

Revision as of 20:24, January 19, 2013

Queen of America, Princess of Arkansas, Empress of New York
Reign 1993 - incumbent
Born Since "Leaders are born, not made." One can only conclude that Hillary is the result a bizarre test tube experiment from which she emerged somewhere around the year 1910."
Let's just say, snowballs that were present stood very little chance.
Died We're still waiting.
Predecessor Baraq Hussein Osama
Successor Herself
Consort Denies sleeping with her
Issue Monica Lewinsky
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
~ Bill Clinton on Hillary Clinton

Queen Hillary, is US politician who is starting to get even more dangerous than Bill Clinton. She has adopted such slogans as "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!".

Unfortunately, it turns out in the real world, people want leaders who are eye candy like Clint Eastwood, George W Bush and myself. Were Americans really ready for a tough old beer guzzling broad who chased her mugs of bud light with a 20 oz. shot of Crown and could drink any republican under the table? Did they want a ball busting battle axe; someone who couldn't stand the heat and stayed out of the kitchen as well as disparaged the act of baking cookies?

So who does this bitch think she is?

Besides being a cigarette smoker who has journalists' cameras confiscated, is she a woman without a state? By becoming a Connecticut Yankee in Arkansas clothing, parading through Washington DC, she appealed to everyone but their black-Latino brother. Americans were wary of bait and switch tactics after years of democracy and car salesmem, more to the point they feared she would NOT do a bait and switch by going into exile again and letting Bill have another go as President.

Fun Facts

Unlike most presidents' wives of the United States, Hillary Clinton has never been known to wear a dress, gown, skirt, perfume, hairspray, or anything but a pantsuit. Just the sight of an apron makes her break out in hives. Hillary has never visited the Rose Garden and never intends to because roses reduce her political powers by 85%. The paparazzi has never caught her in the act of receiving a bouquet of roses, or even so much as a box of truffles, even after the Lewinsky scandal".

Political Stance


Comrade Clinton prepares her 5-year-plan with the help of her moustache

Clinton has taken many stances in her career, such as crying to make people go "awww" and vote for her, and yet, one of her most unwavering commitments is to the ideals of liberalism. Obviously, as a liberal, Clinton believes that wealth should be shared equally and believes money should be allocated to those in need. Clinton is always willing to demonstrate this by leading by example during her campaign taking in $41,500 per day.

Some might claim that Hillary profited from the fat stacks of cash that her political enemies sent her, but nothing could be further from the truth. No sooner did she receive her bribes then she gave them to someone in need, and to a cause that helps the poorest members of society:

2008 Campaign



During the 2008 democratic primaries, heated rivalry between Hillary Clinton and democratic candidate rival Barack Obama began to build. At the beginning of the primary candidacy run, rumours had started that Hillary Clinton and her post-menopause followers believed she had already "won the election" and that it was "owed to her due to experience." Another speculation began to go around when people believed that Clinton was having a secret case of jungle fever for Obama.

Shortly after the meeting between Obama and Clinton when she began to endorse Obama, Obama stated in an interview on CNN "Yes, she did want me - and I was surprised...I would've guessed she wanted Michelle."

Prophecies and Mythology

According to Christian prophecies from the new testament bible (v. King James) , Hillary Clinton is in fact the Whore of Babylon sent by the Dark Prince to destroy man. In the 3rd chapter of Revelations it was foretold that she would enter the world scene riding one of the four horses of the apocalypse and give birth to an evil monstrosity of unknown ancestry. It will have 5 heads, ten horns, twenty hooves, a clay foot, and a straw body. That according to Rush Limbaugh who described Chelsea Clinton, though he later claimed the wrong picture came up.

Nostradamus also made predictions about Hillary in the quatrain that mentions a person named Hister. Nostradamus said, "Most of the army will be against the lower Danube [Hister Clinton]. The great one shall be dragged in an iron cage when the child brother [de Germain] will observe nothing." Since Nostradamus disguised words by using anagrams, he couldn't possibly have meant Hitler. The correct anagram of Hister is its her. It's Hillary who will escape the army of the lower Danube under intense sniper fire and hand over the keys of the kingdom to The Great One. Probably.

In ancient Norse writings Hillary is described as a she-wolf goddess of chaos that comes to Migard to devour the grandchildren of Odin. She claims to be for the working class, but is wealthy and sells out everyone to the tune of $451,000 then hands over the leadership of America to the highest available bidder. She then secretly allies up with Osama the bearded one to destroy any who refuse to convert to the religion of the crescent moon god after disbanding all armies and overthrowing Congress and rewriting the Constitution.

In Hindu mythology Hillary is allied up with Shiva the destroyer and Shiva orders Hillary to destroy the Earth because Vishnu went on vacation and wasn't there to preserve it. Hillary is a dark goddess with two faces and eight arms bringing death and destruction creating the Kali Yuga to human beings because she hates them for being more loved than she ever was. All of this brings about changes that leads to the arrival of Kalki who defeats Hillary and brings about a new age.

According to Sumerian mythos, once the Gate-Keeper, Zuul, and the Key Master, Vinz Clortho, come together, Hillary will come forward in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the 3rd Rectification of the Voldronii, she appeared as an enormous slor! Then in the late 1960s, a new form was chosen. That of a bitchy shrew with bloated ankles and an over-bite! Many shubs and zuuls were roasted in the depths of the shrew that day, I can tell you!

According to ancient Greek mythos Hillary is the goddess of chaos and discord, but instead claims she is for change instead.

She first gained public spotlight in her elementary school years by winning the 15 district wide contest historical forensics investigational writing award, with the controversial speech, My friend Satan: Prince of Darkness, or just misunderstood?

Essential Involvement in International Affairs

Hillary obliterate

Hillary OBLITERATE!!!!

Hillary has a long and distinguished track record when it comes to foreign affairs.

  • It has been proven that during every important policy Bill Clinton made as president, he was married to Hillary. She went on planes with him as he traveled between places and she even slept in the same bed as him occasionally.
  • What more do you want? She was present when he was thinking about important political ideas and he even might have mentioned them to her on occasion.

For example,in 1998, she was deeply involved in the Good Friday Agreement that helped get the terrorists elected in Britain. Many of the top political figures of the time remember that throughout the talks she was "married to Clinton" and that they "sometimes met her at functions" or "that she got off the plane when Bill did and waved", some even going so far as to say "Who? Oh Bill's wife? Yes I think I met her once." Without her involvement, what chance would the talks have stood?

Currently Hillary is on a campaign to crush the hopes of every cancer patient worldwide.

Factual Errors

In the future, some of the facts in this article may come into question, and some may even be proved patently false. If this should happen, remember, we did not lie, we just misspoke, which is completely different. Should any of it be proven to be true, that was an accident as well. We didn't know what we were thinking! This article was written using the Clintonian Method of public speaking and fact checking, everyone knows that the Clintionan Method does not fail, and everyone likes it anyway, even if it misspeaks.

See also


Frau Clinton

External links

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