Hillary Clinton

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<!-- Editing note: Please don't add any more irrelevant quotes (especially not pop culture reference quotes) to this page! A few quotes is funny but having generic opinion on Hillary from every character of the last 30 years is repetitive. So far GI Joe, Rupert Giles, Austin Powers and many more have all had unfunny opinions on Hillary. Don't add any more! -->
 
   
 
{{Infobox Monarch
 
{{Infobox Monarch
 
| name =Hillary
 
| name =Hillary
| title =Queen of [[United States|America]], Princess of [[Arkansas]], Empress of [[New York]]
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| title =Empress of [[United States|America]], Duchess of [[Arkansas]], Queen of [[New York]]
 
| image =[[Image:Hillary16.jpg|200px]]
 
| image =[[Image:Hillary16.jpg|200px]]
 
| caption =
 
| caption =
| reign =1993 - incumbent
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| reign =Perpetual; only the office changes
| predecessor =[[Baraq Hussein Osama]]
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| predecessor =[[Barack Obama]]
 
| successor =Herself
 
| successor =Herself
| consort =[[Bill Clinton|Denies sleeping with her]]
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| consort =No one currently admits to sleeping with her
| issue =[[Monica Lewinsky]]
 
| father =
 
| mother =
 
| date of birth =Since "Leaders are born, not made." One can only conclude that Hillary is the result a bizarre test tube experiment from which she emerged somewhere around the year 1910."
 
| place of birth =Let's just say, snowballs that were present stood very little chance.
 
| twin sister =
 
| date of death = We're still waiting.
 
| place of death =
 
| buried =
 
 
|}}
 
|}}
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{{Q|I did not have sexual relations with that woman.|Bill Clinton|Hillary, as it were}}
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'''Hillary Clinton''', also known as '''Hillary Rodham Clinton''' or '''Hillary Rodham''', or on [[bumper sticker]]s as just '''Hillary!''' depending on how ex-President [[Bill Clinton]] is polling that week, is a [[U.S.]] [[politician]], former First "Lady," and the only Secretary of State who had to be replaced by [[John Kerry]].
   
{{Q|I did not have sexual relations with that woman.|Bill Clinton|Hillary Clinton}}
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Hillary Clinton is the utterly likable and completely unavoidable nominee of the [[Democratic Party]] for [[U.S.]] [[President]] in 2016, a campaign for which she has adopted slogans such as, "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!"
   
'''Queen Hillary''', is US [[politician]] who is starting to get even more dangerous than Bill Clinton. She has adopted such slogans as "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!".
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==Early life==
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[[Image:Hillary on-marine one.jpg|thumb|left|Hillary, Chelsea, and Bill Clinton aboard "Broom One".]]
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Hillary was born in [[Chicago]], [[Illinois]], on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and a smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Many [[journalists]] believe Hillary was named after [[WP:Sir Edmund Hillary|Sir Edmund Hillary]], who would go on to be someone people had heard of when he climbed [[Mount Everest]] — mostly, those journalists who take Hillary at her word. However, the fact is that she was instead named after [[Hilary Duff]], and her parents doubled the "l" for "[[Lulz|teh llullz]]."
   
Unfortunately, it turns out in the real world, people want leaders who are eye candy like [[Clint Eastwood]], George W Bush and [[myself]]. Were Americans really ready for a tough old [[beer]] guzzling broad who chased her mugs of bud light with a 20 oz. shot of [[alcohol|Crown]] and could drink any [[republican]] under the table? Did they want a ball busting battle axe; someone who couldn't stand the heat and stayed out of the kitchen as well as disparaged the act of baking cookies?
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Hillary was raised a Methodist, participated in student government, and by all accounts had a normal youth, apart from her obvious destiny to be a [[Senator]] and [[President]] some day.
   
==So who does this bitch think she is?==
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The household was politically [[conservative]] and even influenced by Barry Goldwater. Unfortunately, she fell in with the [[Rockefeller Family|Rockefeller]] wing — hardly Methodist and, on most issues, strictly [[agnostic]] — and later settled on Saul Alinsky, America's clearest exponent (after [[Karl Marx]]) of the idea that the ends justify the means, whose manual on ruthlessness informed the nation's [[lawyer]]s no less than its [[Autism|pre-schoolers]].
Besides being a cigarette smoker who has journalists' cameras confiscated, is she a woman without a state? By becoming a [[Connecticut]] Yankee in Arkansas clothing, parading through Washington DC, she appealed to everyone but their black-Latino brother. Americans were wary of bait and switch tactics after years of democracy and car salesmem, more to the point they feared she would NOT do a bait and switch by going into exile again and letting Bill have another go as President.
 
   
==Fun Facts==
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At Wellesley College, she wrote a thesis that [[Wikipedia]] calls "a critique of Alinsky's tactics." As one's thesis has to weigh both sides if one wants to graduate, indeed there are probably a few paragraphs that criticize Alinsky. The reader can decide for himself by reading the thesis — only, the reader cannot, as Wellesley, under pressure from the Clinton White House, restricted access to it — a technique that would surely be studied, years later, as [[Barack Obama]] displayed brilliance at [[Columbia University|Columbia]] and [[Harvard Law School|Harvard]] that no one seems to remember, and left no trail of publications despite becoming President of the ''Law Review.''
Unlike most presidents' wives of the [[United States]], Hillary Clinton has never been known to wear a dress, gown, skirt, perfume, hairspray, or anything but a pantsuit. Just the ''sight'' of an apron makes her break out in [[hives]]. Hillary has never visited the Rose Garden and never intends to because roses reduce her political powers by 85%. The paparazzi has never caught her in the act of receiving a bouquet of roses, or even so much as a box of truffles, even after the Lewinsky scandal".
 
   
==Political Stance==
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Which side of the Alinsky thing Hillary came down on might be answered by her graduation ceremony. She finished not as valedictorian but as runner-up, a result that did not merit a chance to give a commencement speech. Hillary got a proposed speech pre-cleared, and then instead gave a rabble-rousing performance that slammed previous speakers and made [[Adolf Hitler]] sit up in his grave in [[Paraguay]]. Hillary's destiny in government was now a lock, and the only uncertainty was why anyone would trust her as far as they could throw her, which, these days, is not far.
[[Image:ComradeHillary.jpg|thumb|left|Comrade Clinton prepares her 5-year-plan with the help of her moustache]]
 
Clinton has taken many stances in her career, such as crying to make people go "awww" and vote for her, and yet, one of her most unwavering commitments is to the ideals of liberalism. Obviously, as a [[Liberal|liberal]], Clinton believes that wealth should be shared equally and believes money should be allocated to those in need. Clinton is always willing to demonstrate this by leading by example during her campaign taking in $41,500 per day.
 
   
Some might claim that Hillary profited from the fat stacks of cash that her political enemies sent her, but ''nothing could be further from the truth''. No sooner did she receive her bribes then she gave them to someone in need, and to a cause that helps the poorest members of society:
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However, any amorality suggested by Hillary's early life is superseded by the amorality suggested by her later life.
   
===2008 Campaign===
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==Arkansas years (1975-1992)==
[[Image:HillaryClintonAaaa.png|right|thumb|250px|[[AAAAAAAAA!]]]]
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[[File:HillaryClinton_01.jpg|thumb|200px|Hillary has appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, though not quite as Woman of the Century.]]
During the 2008 democratic primaries, heated rivalry between Hillary Clinton and democratic candidate rival Barack Obama began to build. At the beginning of the primary candidacy run, rumours had started that Hillary Clinton and her post-menopause followers believed she had already "won the election" and that it was "owed to her due to experience." Another speculation began to go around when people believed that Clinton was having a secret case of jungle fever for Obama.
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Whatever secret agreement Hillary may have had with [[Bill Clinton]] to share power back-and-forth forever, something about being a big [[fish]] in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond induced the couple to move to the intellectual eaves-trough of [[Arkansas]]. The two married in 1975 in an obscure village called Snake's Hips. Bill began climbing the corporate ladder while Hillary baked cupcakes and activist lawsuits. Hillary kept her maiden name because "it showed me that I was still me," though it showed Arkansans that the husband of such a woman is a [[pussy]].
   
Shortly after the meeting between Obama and Clinton when she began to endorse Obama, Obama stated in an interview on CNN "Yes, she did want me - and I was surprised...I would've guessed she wanted Michelle."
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Nevertheless, Arkansas elected Bill the Pussy General and the couple moved to the capital, [[Beverly Hillbillies|Bugtustle]]. Hillary joined the '''Rose Law Firm''', which she would go on to put "on the map," setting the Guinness record for scandals. She tried few cases but in 1978 (shortly after Bill became [[Governor]]), Hillary was promoted to partner of the firm. She out-earned Bill, which made up the mind of any [[Southern United States|Southerner]] not already convinced by his inability to get his wife to take his surname.
   
== Prophecies and Mythology ==
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But no Arkansan ever begrudges the First Couple a little honest graft, and the Clintons fell in with the '''Whitewater Development Corporation''', an arrangement to put [[river]]front building lots in the hands of a large number of ordinary people ("everyday Americans," as Hillary would later call them), until the first Everyday that they missed a monthly payment.
According to Christian prophecies from the new testament bible (v. King James) , Hillary Clinton is in fact the Whore of Babylon sent by the Dark Prince to destroy man. In the 3rd chapter of Revelations it was foretold that she would enter the world scene riding one of the four horses of the apocalypse and give birth to an evil monstrosity of unknown ancestry. It will have 5 heads, ten horns, twenty hooves, a clay foot, and a straw body. That according to Rush Limbaugh who described Chelsea Clinton, though he later claimed the wrong picture came up.
 
   
Nostradamus also made predictions about Hillary in the quatrain that mentions a person named Hister. Nostradamus said, "Most of the army will be against the lower Danube [Hister Clinton]. The great one shall be dragged in an iron cage when the child brother [de Germain] will observe nothing." Since Nostradamus disguised words by using anagrams, he couldn't possibly have meant Hitler. The correct anagram of Hister is ''its her''. It's Hillary who will escape the army of the lower Danube under intense sniper fire and hand over the keys of the kingdom to The Great One. Probably.
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Hillary parlayed a $1,000 investment in [[cattle]] [[future]]s into $100,000 in ten months. She said her secret was to read the ''Wall Street Journal'' and to be the smartest woman in America, but a secret of equal value was to rely on [[Stockbroker|brokers]] who held off on declaring whether each position was a purchase or a sale until it was time to unwind it.
   
In ancient Norse writings Hillary is described as a she-wolf goddess of chaos that comes to Migard to devour the grandchildren of [[Odin]]. She claims to be for the working class, but is wealthy and sells out everyone to the tune of $451,000 then hands over the leadership of America to the highest available bidder. She then secretly allies up with Osama the bearded one to destroy any who refuse to convert to the [[Islam|religion of the crescent moon god]] after disbanding all armies and overthrowing Congress and rewriting the Constitution.
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==First "Lady" (1993-2001)==
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Hillary's service as First "Lady" gave many [[White House]] staffers a glimpse into her character (despite the standing order that no one was to glimpse ''at'' her). Most had never seen more accurate throwing of ash trays during marital spats.
   
In Hindu mythology Hillary is allied up with Shiva the destroyer and Shiva orders Hillary to destroy the Earth because Vishnu went on vacation and wasn't there to preserve it. Hillary is a dark goddess with two faces and eight arms bringing death and destruction creating the Kali Yuga to human beings because she hates them for being more loved than she ever was. All of this brings about changes that leads to the arrival of Kalki who defeats Hillary and brings about a new age.
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===Bimbo eruptions===
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The 1992 Presidential campaign featured many "[[bimbo]] eruptions." This had nothing to do with [[acne]] on the face of a certain famous [[clown]]; rather, these were made-up charges that [[Slut|loose women]] (also known as floozies or bimbos, and including a few trollops) were bothering Bill and trying to distract him from [[Fuck|penetrating]] the American psyche. Hillary took charge in beating back these bimbos.
   
According to [[Sumerian]] mythos, once the Gate-Keeper, Zuul, and the Key Master, Vinz Clortho, come together, Hillary will come forward in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the 3rd Rectification of the Voldronii, she appeared as an enormous slor! Then in the late 1960s, a new form was chosen. That of a bitchy shrew with bloated ankles and an over-bite! Many shubs and zuuls were roasted in the depths of the shrew that day, I can tell you!
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Although she had previously declared that she was not some ordinary [[housewife]] "baking cookies and standing behind my man" to quote American sociologist Tammy Wynette her role in the bimbo eruptions led her to appear with Bill on ''[[CBS|60 Minutes]]'' and describe to Judge Wapner the "pain in our marriage." The resulting sympathy turned the tide in the 1992 election, at the minor cost of two decades of progress in [[feminism]].
   
According to ancient Greek mythos [[Eris Discordia|Hillary]] is the goddess of chaos and discord, but instead claims she is for [[change]] instead.
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===Hillary-care===
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Once safely inside the [[White House]], President Clinton assigned Hillary the job of "fixing the [[health care]] system." The nation got its first glimpse of the skills that a pair of [[Arkansas]] [[lawyer]]s would bring to the job of governance (not to mention surgery), as it is illegal both for people to do government jobs for free and for a President to slip a non-employee a wad of [[cash]]. It was just as illegal for someone to act like a Cabinet secretary without meeting with the [[U.S. Senate]]. Happily, concern over these irregularities took attention completely off what was going on in Hillary's "task forces" and who was on them.
   
She first gained public spotlight in her elementary school years by winning the 15 district wide contest historical forensics investigational writing award, with the controversial speech, ''My friend Satan: Prince of Darkness, or just misunderstood?''
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Hillary proposed a massive system where the government would own all the [[hospital]]s and [[doctor]]s and everyone would get everything for free until it ran out. "Hillary-care" was laughed out of [[Congress]], but Hillary would get the last laugh, as the failure to pass Hillary-care led to an economic boom that Bill took credit for.
   
==Essential Involvement in International Affairs==
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Hillary understood the [[Republicans]]' mind [sic]; and sure enough, their take on her plan to give away free stuff was to ask why they did not have their own plan to give away free stuff. The [[Koch Brothers]] devised a "gentler approach" that would eventually become [[Mitt Romney|Romney-care]] and then [[Obama-care]]. The reason it is gentler is that the [[website]] doesn't work, and that it uses the [[IRS]] rather than [[Nazi|storm troopers]] (for now).
[[Image:hillary_obliterate.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Hillary OBLITERATE!!!!]]
 
Hillary has a long and distinguished track record when it comes to foreign affairs.
 
   
*It has been proven that during every important policy Bill Clinton made as president, he was married to Hillary. She went on planes with him as he traveled between places and she even slept in the same bed as him occasionally.
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===Dead Broke===
*What more do you want? She was present when he was thinking about important political ideas and he even might have mentioned them to her on occasion.
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Tragically, her time in the White House left Hillary "dead broke" and with trouble making the payments on her homes. For one thing, she had to pay cash for the 800 [[FBI]] files with dirt on her adversaries that mysteriously wound up in the West Wing. It cost her more to lure Craig Livingstone away from his job as a bar bouncer to manage White House security, and he wanted hefty [[tip]]s for every single constituent he roughed up. Nor did it come cheap to have Vince Foster moved to Fort Marcy Park and laid out under a tree, his arms neatly at his side, after his [[handgun]] "[[suicide]]."
For example,in 1998, she was deeply involved in the Good Friday Agreement that helped get the terrorists elected in Britain. Many of the top political figures of the time remember that throughout the talks she was "married to Clinton" and that they "sometimes met her at functions" or "that she got off the plane when Bill did and waved", some even going so far as to say "Who? Oh Bill's wife? Yes I think I met her once."
 
Without her involvement, what chance would the talks have stood?
 
   
Currently Hillary is on a campaign to crush the hopes of every cancer patient worldwide.
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The fact that the [[Republican]] opposition politicized every little thing led to other extreme costs, a couple of which came out of Hillary's personal funds. Understandably, she has spent much of the time since the White House years trying to cover this large deficit in her personal finances with her only [[ass]]et: her gift of public speaking, earning tens of thousands of dollars from industry groups and [[enemy]] [[government]]s who cannot find any other speaker quite as shrill.
   
==Factual Errors==
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===Return to private life===
In the future, some of the [[lie|facts]] in this article may come into question, and some may even be proved patently [[true|false]]. If this should happen, remember, we did not lie, we just misspoke, which is completely different. Should any of it be proven to be [[false|true]], that was an accident as well. We didn't know what we were thinking! This article was written using the Clintonian Method of public speaking and fact checking, everyone knows that the Clintionan Method does not fail, and everyone likes it anyway, even if it misspeaks.
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The Clintons bought yet another home, in Chappaqua, [[New York]], and settled into ordinary married life a marriage where Hillary would be free to scheme about a follow-on campaign, as New York is always receptive to yet another [[left-wing]] candidate originally from somewhere else; and Bill would be free to pursue another [[Canadian]] rack-of-ribs.
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===Return to public life===
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Before you could shake a broomstick at it, a seat freed up in the [[U.S. Senate]] and Hillary announced her candidacy. Rep. Rick Lazio was her opponent in 2000, and all anyone remembers about him is striding across the stage to hand Hillary a "campaign pledge" to sign. [[NBC|The Media]] was incredulous that a strong, independent woman such as Hillary could essentially be [[rape]]d on live [[television]].
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Rep. Lazio was defeated, 55%-to-43%, and even now has to check in with [[police]] everywhere he moves, and wear an ankle bracelet like any other sex offender. Hillary's election to the Senate was thus another giant step forward toward equal treatment of women, whereas Lazio, in a mere two more decades, will become the senior and most venerated of [[Manhattan, New York|Manhattan]]'s squeegee men.
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==In the Senate, waiting (2001-2009)==
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After the campaign ended and all the records about being the first woman this-or-that rattled to a stop and were quiet, like so many quarters that failed to reach the shot glass, Hillary prepared for a productive life as a Senator despite authoring even fewer bills than she had written lawsuits back at Rose. However, there were always problems:
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*Her election to the Senate had not kept [[George W. Bush]] out of the White House. Despite leaving most of his neurons in [[Texas]], he was a master of the photo-op and staged event, and continued to draw more publicity than the Junior Senator from New York.
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*Less than two years later, there was the small matter of the [[September 11 attacks]]. Suddenly, the nation wanted a military response and there was no time for weightier matters like trying again to gum up health care. All Hillary could do was vote for the [[Iraq War]] and the [[Patriot Act]], and bide her time until her party devised a reason they were both Bush's fault.
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Nevertheless, in 2006, Hillary decided she wanted more of it, and spent an outrageous $36 million to defeat the charismatic John Spencer,<sup STYLE="text-size:70%>[[What's-his-name off that thing|&#91;Who?&#93;]]</sup> ex-[[mayor]] of Yonkers,<sup STYLE="text-size:70%>[[New York City|&#91;Where?&#93;]]</sup> 67%-to-31%.
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In her second Senate term, she was against the Iraq "surge" and called Gen. Petraeus a liar, long before that became fashionable. Despite this, Petraeus got the troops needed to end the war in Iraq and turn it into a relatively manageable drumbeat of terrorist attacks.
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===2008 Presidential campaign (2008)===
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[[Image:ComradeHillary.jpg|thumb|left|A popular 2008 campaign poster of Comrade Clinton emphasized her Five-Year-Plan for the national economy.]]
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Hillary would have told New York voters she intended to finish out her second term. We just don't know, as key records are missing. However, on the first day of her second six years, she formed a committee to run for President.
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Winning in 2008 was vital. If she failed, then in 2012 she would have to give up Senate re-election to try for President — unlike lucky [[bastard]]s like [[Paul Ryan]]. Moreover, if a Democrat won in 2008, Hillary would have to respectfully sit out 2012 and, already most of the way toward [[Undictionary:Frumptuous|frumpy]], she would be flirting with overt [[Alzheimer's Disease|senility]] (not that [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] didn't make even that work).
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So, after decades of swatting away [[mosquito]]es in Arkansas, being cuckolded on national TV from [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]], exposing herself as a policy flop, lying, stealing files, and destroying evidence for That Hussy, she called in all the chits for a desperate run at the Presidency. And indeed, she led in all the polls, and everywhere else until people actually had to vote. She wowed them in [[New Hampshire]] after showing she could cry on command, just like Bill (which, oddly, had not gone over well in 1972 when [[Muskrat|Ed Muskie]] had tried it).
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It seemed that nothing could go wrong now. The only competitor was [[John Edwards]] — only, no newspaper other than the ''National Enquirer'' was covering his love child, use of campaign funds as hush money, and abandoned, [[cancer]]-stricken wife. Also some black guy, who Bill said "a few years ago, would have been fetching us coffee." Bill, hailed as "the first black President" for the number of times he was in trouble with the [[law]], now began driving away [[African American]] votes in <s>droves</s> Sorry, lots of them.
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Then, in March 2008, Hillary had to admit that she had not, as claimed, flown through sniper fire landing at Tuzla, [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia]]; those bullets were in fact just large hailstones. A scandal that did not touch [[Geraldo Rivera]] or [[Brian Williams]] (much) ruined Hillary's chances — because of America's persistent hatred of All Womyn. Worst of all, Hillary was forced to attend the convention, applaud politely, and shift her posture to make less conspicuous the large number of knives that had been stuck in her back.
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==Secretary of State (2009-2013)==
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It got worse than that, when the Dark Lord stepped forward and offered to remove the knives himself. On the time-honored theory of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer," Hillary joined the Obama cabinet. The two shared a hate of anything any American does without their help, and a love of collecting dirt on their adversaries, while scrubbing their own dirt until there are scratch-marks on the hard disk. The job also kept Hillary in Washington in case [[Impeachment|something better]] freed up.
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The quandary that the two would now be collecting dirt ''on each other,'' Hillary neatly solved by setting up an email server in the [[barn]] on the Back Forty of her Chappaqua home, from which she ran the entire State Department. An added benefit was that [[Congress]] could never see her official emails, though [[Wikileaks]] could. And no one, even Obama, thought it strange that State Department emails did not come from <code>state.gov</code> but <code>ElephantThighs.xxx</code>.
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The biggest challenge in America's diplomatic corps was Obama's desire to "reach out to [[Islam]]" as only a transformational healer could — say, by sending a [[gay]] Ambassador to [[Libya]]. Ambassador Stevens repeatedly wired in that it would be nice to fortify the embassy and consulates. Perhaps a couple of salvage [[Jeep]]s parked in front of the gate to impede smash-and-grab hostage-takings. Unfortunately, the only spare funds in the budget had already been used, at the embassy in [[Switzerland]], to replace the entire motor pool with Priuses.
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Things soon got worse. Stevens made an impromptu trip to Benghazi, despite the poor security, ostensibly to kick off a [[Middle East]] tour by rock band [[AC/DC]], but probably also to find out whether weapons the U.S. sent into the wrong hands had fallen into other wrong hands, and to buy them back with the large wad of cash he carried. Damned if an impromptu, rag-tag bunch of impoverished Benghazi youth stormed the consulate, as always carrying their professionally lettered English-language protest signs and shoulder-fired missile launchers. Stevens was killed, along with a consular aide and two CIA guys who came to buy them time against the mobs until the imminent arrival of U.S. rescue planes.
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Worse still, Obama's first term was ending, the Republicans had nominated [[Mitt Romney|someone you could almost like]] (if you had a trust fund), and he had just whupped Obama in a debate, though he would soon realize that such antics were beneath him. The election was on a knife-edge and Obama did not want to hear about "that Benghazi shit" as he had a big fundraising trip to [[Las Vegas]] the next day, where the golf is good and probably the [[cocaine]].
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[[File:Kerry.jpg|thumb|left|When [[John Kerry]] succeeded Hillary, she got the consolation prize of knowing that no one would remember her as an ineffective Secretary of State.]]
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Aides left at the White House tried to figure a way to save the Administration from itself, between bouts of surfing the web for [[porn]]. Someone (records of the entire day are curiously missing) had the brainstorm that, if young Libyans found the same [[YouTube]] channel (for which the State Department had apologized, the day before the attack), they would get angry enough at the United States to do unspeakable things, such as the unspeakable things they had just done. Hillary, along with Ambassador Susan Rice and the Big Guy himself, ran a week-long road show apologizing to the [[U.N.]] and the Islamic world for free speech in America, and just like that, Obama had another four years to try to undo America's harms.
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In 2013, Hillary sized up the situation and resigned from the Department of State, leaving Obama to nominate [[John Kerry]]. Why the long face?
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==Accomplishments==
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[[File:Easy button.png|thumb|right|One of Hillary's first initiatives to steer American foreign policy away from defending America's interests was to present a "Reset" button like this to Sergey Lavrov to show the U.S. would bear no grudges over Russia invading its neighbors. Imagine her surprise when she found out the correct translation was, "You stink!"]]
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Hillary, again untethered from the public payroll, retreated to Chappaqua. The solitude was off-putting, as her ostensible [[husband]] was out giving speeches and chasing [[skirt]]s. But before crocheting a single pot-holder, she took a quiet moment to assess her accomplishments as Secretary of State:
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*She had amassed more frequent-flier miles than [[Henry Kissinger]].
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*She had given the Rooskis a fine gift (pictured), assuming the lettering meant what it was supposed to mean. (This refers to the "Reset button" and not the gifts of Georgia and the Crimea.)
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*She had carried out Obama's orders to retreat from Iraq, which would be an accomplishment, assuming that the Iraqis strapped on their hard-hats and got back to work in the oil field. Unfortunately, though their hard-hats were strapped on, they were in the other room, along with their heads, when the [[ISIS]] forces took over town after town.
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*[[Arabia]] was in flames, its leaders were annoyed at America for nagging them about women's rights, the [[Caliphate]] was advancing, [[Russia]] was eating [[Ukraine]] and the Baltics and was asking what was the Main Course, [[North Korea]] was taking America's money but launching missiles anyway, and [[China]] was flexing its muscles. It was a world in line with Obama's first inaugural speech, where he said, "America is an exceptional nation. Of course, [[Peru]] thinks it is too, probably."
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*Most importantly, however, she had weaved the web of deceit that got her boss re-elected, and the only assumption that took is that the American voter is a dope.
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Sizing up Hillary's career, she was not the first female Secretary of State (following Albright and [[Condo]]), nor probably the first female First Lady. However, she does hold the record for most public offices achieved by virtue of being the [[wife]] of someone famous. [[NOW]] was ready to award her its prestigious Sleeping Herself to the Top award, but Hillary tactfully declined it.
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Hillary is also without peer as the most publically unwanted wife in America — [[Monica Lewinsky]] being merely the most notoriously discarded mistress. And they both signed book deals.
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The introspection took five whole minutes, after which Hillary began scheming to capture the [[Oval Office]] and get rid of Obama's shag carpets, hookahs, and portraits of Malcolm X, with a minimum of additional scandals and corpses along the way.
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== 2016 Presidential campaign (1975-2016) ==
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[[Image:HillaryClintonAaaa.png|right|thumb|250px|Opponents unfairly denounce Hillary as "shrill."]]
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No sooner did Hillary announce her candidacy, however, than the hardcover book ''Clinton Cash'' came out. It documented the uncanny way in which honoraria for speeches, book deals, and spontaneous contributions to the Clinton Family Foundation coincided with decisions at the Department of State to green-light projects such as [[Russia]]'s acquisition of 20% of America's uranium. It described GE's millions to the Foundation, promptly followed by government contracts with GE. And — misunderstanding the imprecise world of foreign diplomacy — it called it unseemly that Hillary would take money from radical Islam while continuing to posture as a champion of women's rights.
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Hillary's denials of the claims were categorical:
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*A [[White House]] spokesman said the author had been discredited by a [[typo]] that is in plain view on Page 243.
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*Hillary, holding campaign events in [[New Hampshire]], had her handlers clear out coffee shops — including the kitchens — before she arrived, so that there was no one in the joint except her own handlers (They deserve coffee too!) and members of the Federal Employees Union.
  +
*Hillary's Press Corps clarified that there was no cash-for-favors, as even the [[Saudi Arabia]]ns paid with wire transfers.
  +
*Re-filing five years of [[Accountant|financial reports]] once you are caught in a lie is simply part-and-parcel of an unprecedented spirit of [[Vacuum|openness]] and transparency.
  +
  +
After decades of downplaying Clinton scandals, the media suddenly pursued these themes. Anchormen read the book's appendices, which covered the long span of Hillary's career, and showed that she secretly bankrolled [[Hitler]] with the [[Illuminati]] to start [[World War II]], this after having Archduke Ferdinand shot to set off [[World War I]]. CNN reported that Hillary fired on Fort Sumter to start the US [[Civil War]]. She was also the original ''[[Star Wars]]'' screenwriter, inventing [[Jabba the Hutt]], who had the slender thigh-to-ankle region that Hillary always wanted.
  +
  +
===Senility, the final frontier===
  +
[[File:Hillary's competition.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Hillary's competitors for the 2016 nomination are merely frumpy, except that Bernie Sanders (lower left) is also loopy.]]
  +
An op-ed called ''Hillary Clinton's great 2016 fraud'' came out during a Hillary "listening tour." That Hillary wanted to listen to other people's opinions had been her great 2008 fraud, apart from crying on cue. The writer suggested Hillary get a Broadway producer, not a campaign manager, "if she were being honest with us," though adding that, in that case, she wouldn't be Hillary.
  +
  +
In passing, though, he disclosed a completely new threat to the campaign: Although any good politician spends every waking moment trying to bankrupt, vilify, imprison, or knock off adversaries while clawing to higher office, she must go through the motions of hearing testimony and writing bills and reports. However, when asked about the manufacturing sector and job training, Hillary could do no better than restate the questions, despite having sat on Senate Committees and Joint Task Forces and having signed reports that claimed to address those very topics. It seemed that Hillary had gone beyond frumpy.
  +
  +
Again, Ronald Reagan won an election with [[Alzheimer's]], but not the first one, and he was actually likable, a strategy that is nowhere in the Hillary playbook. Hillary might have been right in 2008 that it would be too late in 2016.
  +
  +
===Enigmas and conundrums===
  +
[[File:Heil Hillary.jpg|thumb|right|On the campaign trail, Hillary modeled an orange [[prison]] jumpsuit, or perhaps the uniform of a saluting Chinese Communist.]]
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{{Q|Ah don' feel no ways tahr'd!|Hillary doing her best [[Negro|Stepin Fetchit]] imitation for a fawning black audience in [[Alabama|Selma]]}}
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[[Wikipedia]] notes Hillary's constant anguish that marrying Bill Clinton and especially using his last name would be an obstacle to letting "me be me," and especially that she might be known not for her own "accomplishments" (There's that word again) but through other people. The only elephant in this ointment is that, even after getting Bill out of the picture entirely, she does not know who she is.
  +
*A [[right-wing]], pro-defense Democrat in the mold of Henry Jackson? Or a mainstream Democrat in the mold of [[Karl Marx]]?
  +
*A champion of [[capitalism]], in the form of sham book deals, speaking fees, and envelopes of cash from swarthy, towel-headed foreigners? Or capitalism's biggest nightmare, who is sure that corporations do nothing to create [[Work|jobs]]?
  +
*Someone who wants your votes as a woman? Or someone who wants your votes to prove that it doesn't matter that she is a woman? Or despite being a woman?
  +
*A gal who's her own gal, or Bill's gal (the one with the huge ankles, not the one with the awesome suction)? A Rodham, a Rodham Clinton, or a Clinton? Or nothing?
  +
*What's with the [[Southern United States|Southern]] accent?
  +
  +
The answer to these questions will be in next year's <SPAN STYLE="font-variant: small-caps">Uncyclopedia</SPAN> Annual Update, after the polling data have come in.
  +
  +
===The punch line===
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<DIV STYLE="width: 30%; font-size: 85%; float: right; background-color: #FDD; border: solid 3px #D44; border-radius: 3px; -moz-border-radius: 3px; padding: 0 0.5em; margin-left: 0.5em">
  +
;Woman's point of view
  +
Just as it is "time" for a female President, it was "time" for an encyclopedia article on the inevitable future female President written from the woman's point of view.
  +
  +
[[Kate Harding]] in 2015 vowed to "vote with my [[vagina]]," and one hopes she lives in a state with voting machines with levers, rather than paper ballots or, above all, [[Florida]], where hanging [[Vulva|flaps]] are always problematic. The reader should read this article with her/his vagina, or at least use it to scroll the display, because the use of other nearby orifices might be relatively painful.
  +
  +
Hillary has promised to sign all legislation with that organ, obviating the "auto-pen," and it seems that every year with a Clinton in the White House reveals a creative new use for it.
  +
</DIV>
  +
The reader has now been treated to an authoritative resumé of three decades of self-dealing, treachery, backstabbing, and corruption, with the occasional [[corpse]], anecdotes all of which are more than one week old — yes, Old News — which means the [[nation]] should Move On. The candidate has cancelled her scheduled appearances for the rest of this week, at the end of which the current scandal will also be Old News. (She will, however, hold "electronic town halls" and take written questions by Internet users the campaign has pre-cleared.)
  +
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Besides, all of this must have been written by a political opponent who has an axe to grind, who did not make up his own mind but is merely in lockstep behind [[Rush Limbaugh|Limbaugh]] or someone, and is surely being paid off by the [[Koch Brothers]].
  +
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Because, you see, it is "time" to elect a woman. (The "time" to elect an "[[African American]]" was 2008 and 2012.)
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==Disclaimers==
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[[Image:Hillarystache.jpg|left|thumb|It is "time" to put a woman in the White House, if only because that mustache would really tickle the female interns.]]
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In the future, some facts in this article may be questioned or even disproved. This does not mean they are [[lie]]s but merely inoperative cases of having misspoken, which is completely different — no less than if the truth were to accidentally appear in this authoritative reference work.
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The authors of this article received no improper influence from its subject, but were simply allowed to sell a few copies, for a nominal price meant only to recoup the costs, at the Bill and Hillary Clinton and Chelsea, Buddy, and Monica Foundation, right next to the [[cigar]] concession.
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
*[[Bill Clinton|<span title="My Hubby!">Bill Clinton</span>]]
+
*[[Bill Clinton]]
 
*[[Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house]]
 
*[[Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house]]
*[[Top Ten Most Murderous Animals]]
 
*[[Liberals|Despotism]]
 
*[[Democrat]]
 
 
*[[Hillary Clinton's Bust]]
 
*[[Hillary Clinton's Bust]]
 
*[[Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign]]
 
*[[Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign]]
*[[Feminazi]]
 
 
[[Image:Hillarystache.jpg|right|thumb|[[Woman|Frau]] Clinton]]
 
   
== External links ==
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{{FA|date=26 July 2015|revision=5876711}}
*[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/personalities/hillary-clinton/ Hillary's lies]
 
*[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/154/ Hillary lying about Healthcare]
 
*[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/234/ Hillary lies about taxes]
 
*[http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080111-analysis-why-the-hillary-hacked-nh-story-is-important.html Hillary stole the NH election]
 
*[http://www.motherjones.com/mojoblog/archives/2008/01/7047_really_bad_news.html Really Bad News Day for Hillary Clinton]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq8aopATYyw&NR=1 Hillary Clinton takes $2M from Comic Book company and then ruined it and framed Peter Paul]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMfUajhL24I&feature=related Part 2 of the above video]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcgbStBJzJ4&feature=related Hillary Clinton censors Ron Paul]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fr1dm2Qdls&feature=related Hillary tells college students to ask planted questions to her]
 
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0-HkVcMOSw Bill and Hillary Clinton: Their Secret Life]
 
*[http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/hillary.htm Hillary falls for you]
 
{{Role models}}
 
 
{{2008Pres}}
 
{{2008Pres}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Clinton, Hillary}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Clinton, Hillary}}
[[Category:Evil]]
 
[[Category:Cunts]]
 
 
[[Category:First Ladies of the United States]]
 
[[Category:First Ladies of the United States]]
 
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2008]]
 
[[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2008]]
[[Category:Minions of Satan]]
 
[[Category:Nasty Right Wing Bastards]]
 
[[Category:People who want to destroy all things]]
 
[[Category:Supervillains]]
 
[[Category:Nightmares Made Flesh]]
 
[[Category:Followers God Would Rather Not Have]]
 
[[Category:Sith Lords]]
 
 
[[Category:United States Senators]]
 
[[Category:United States Senators]]
[[Category:Lesbians]]
 
[[Category:Things you'll find wandering the streets of New York City]]
 
 
[[Category:Hillary Rodham Clinton| ]]
 
[[Category:Hillary Rodham Clinton| ]]
 
[[Category:Clinton family]]
 
[[Category:Clinton family]]
[[Category:Not So Hot Babes You Do Have A Chance With]]
 
 
[[Category:Old people]]
 
[[Category:Old people]]
   
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[[eo:Hillary Clinton]]
 
[[ja:ヒラリー・クリントン]]
 
[[ja:ヒラリー・クリントン]]
 
[[it:Hillary Clinton]]
 
[[it:Hillary Clinton]]

Latest revision as of 00:35, August 22, 2015

Hillary
Empress of America, Duchess of Arkansas, Queen of New York
Hillary16
Reign Perpetual; only the office changes
Predecessor Barack Obama
Successor Herself
Consort No one currently admits to sleeping with her
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
~ Bill Clinton on Hillary, as it were

Hillary Clinton, also known as Hillary Rodham Clinton or Hillary Rodham, or on bumper stickers as just Hillary! depending on how ex-President Bill Clinton is polling that week, is a U.S. politician, former First "Lady," and the only Secretary of State who had to be replaced by John Kerry.

Hillary Clinton is the utterly likable and completely unavoidable nominee of the Democratic Party for U.S. President in 2016, a campaign for which she has adopted slogans such as, "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!"

edit Early life

Hillary on-marine one

Hillary, Chelsea, and Bill Clinton aboard "Broom One".

Hillary was born in Chicago, Illinois, on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and a smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Many journalists believe Hillary was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, who would go on to be someone people had heard of when he climbed Mount Everest — mostly, those journalists who take Hillary at her word. However, the fact is that she was instead named after Hilary Duff, and her parents doubled the "l" for "teh llullz."

Hillary was raised a Methodist, participated in student government, and by all accounts had a normal youth, apart from her obvious destiny to be a Senator and President some day.

The household was politically conservative and even influenced by Barry Goldwater. Unfortunately, she fell in with the Rockefeller wing — hardly Methodist and, on most issues, strictly agnostic — and later settled on Saul Alinsky, America's clearest exponent (after Karl Marx) of the idea that the ends justify the means, whose manual on ruthlessness informed the nation's lawyers no less than its pre-schoolers.

At Wellesley College, she wrote a thesis that Wikipedia calls "a critique of Alinsky's tactics." As one's thesis has to weigh both sides if one wants to graduate, indeed there are probably a few paragraphs that criticize Alinsky. The reader can decide for himself by reading the thesis — only, the reader cannot, as Wellesley, under pressure from the Clinton White House, restricted access to it — a technique that would surely be studied, years later, as Barack Obama displayed brilliance at Columbia and Harvard that no one seems to remember, and left no trail of publications despite becoming President of the Law Review.

Which side of the Alinsky thing Hillary came down on might be answered by her graduation ceremony. She finished not as valedictorian but as runner-up, a result that did not merit a chance to give a commencement speech. Hillary got a proposed speech pre-cleared, and then instead gave a rabble-rousing performance that slammed previous speakers and made Adolf Hitler sit up in his grave in Paraguay. Hillary's destiny in government was now a lock, and the only uncertainty was why anyone would trust her as far as they could throw her, which, these days, is not far.

However, any amorality suggested by Hillary's early life is superseded by the amorality suggested by her later life.

edit Arkansas years (1975-1992)

HillaryClinton 01

Hillary has appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, though not quite as Woman of the Century.

Whatever secret agreement Hillary may have had with Bill Clinton to share power back-and-forth forever, something about being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond induced the couple to move to the intellectual eaves-trough of Arkansas. The two married in 1975 in an obscure village called Snake's Hips. Bill began climbing the corporate ladder while Hillary baked cupcakes and activist lawsuits. Hillary kept her maiden name because "it showed me that I was still me," though it showed Arkansans that the husband of such a woman is a pussy.

Nevertheless, Arkansas elected Bill the Pussy General and the couple moved to the capital, Bugtustle. Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm, which she would go on to put "on the map," setting the Guinness record for scandals. She tried few cases but in 1978 (shortly after Bill became Governor), Hillary was promoted to partner of the firm. She out-earned Bill, which made up the mind of any Southerner not already convinced by his inability to get his wife to take his surname.

But no Arkansan ever begrudges the First Couple a little honest graft, and the Clintons fell in with the Whitewater Development Corporation, an arrangement to put riverfront building lots in the hands of a large number of ordinary people ("everyday Americans," as Hillary would later call them), until the first Everyday that they missed a monthly payment.

Hillary parlayed a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into $100,000 in ten months. She said her secret was to read the Wall Street Journal and to be the smartest woman in America, but a secret of equal value was to rely on brokers who held off on declaring whether each position was a purchase or a sale until it was time to unwind it.

edit First "Lady" (1993-2001)

Hillary's service as First "Lady" gave many White House staffers a glimpse into her character (despite the standing order that no one was to glimpse at her). Most had never seen more accurate throwing of ash trays during marital spats.

edit Bimbo eruptions

The 1992 Presidential campaign featured many "bimbo eruptions." This had nothing to do with acne on the face of a certain famous clown; rather, these were made-up charges that loose women (also known as floozies or bimbos, and including a few trollops) were bothering Bill and trying to distract him from penetrating the American psyche. Hillary took charge in beating back these bimbos.

Although she had previously declared that she was not some ordinary housewife "baking cookies and standing behind my man" — to quote American sociologist Tammy Wynette — her role in the bimbo eruptions led her to appear with Bill on 60 Minutes and describe to Judge Wapner the "pain in our marriage." The resulting sympathy turned the tide in the 1992 election, at the minor cost of two decades of progress in feminism.

edit Hillary-care

Once safely inside the White House, President Clinton assigned Hillary the job of "fixing the health care system." The nation got its first glimpse of the skills that a pair of Arkansas lawyers would bring to the job of governance (not to mention surgery), as it is illegal both for people to do government jobs for free and for a President to slip a non-employee a wad of cash. It was just as illegal for someone to act like a Cabinet secretary without meeting with the U.S. Senate. Happily, concern over these irregularities took attention completely off what was going on in Hillary's "task forces" and who was on them.

Hillary proposed a massive system where the government would own all the hospitals and doctors and everyone would get everything for free until it ran out. "Hillary-care" was laughed out of Congress, but Hillary would get the last laugh, as the failure to pass Hillary-care led to an economic boom that Bill took credit for.

Hillary understood the Republicans' mind [sic]; and sure enough, their take on her plan to give away free stuff was to ask why they did not have their own plan to give away free stuff. The Koch Brothers devised a "gentler approach" that would eventually become Romney-care and then Obama-care. The reason it is gentler is that the website doesn't work, and that it uses the IRS rather than storm troopers (for now).

edit Dead Broke

Tragically, her time in the White House left Hillary "dead broke" and with trouble making the payments on her homes. For one thing, she had to pay cash for the 800 FBI files with dirt on her adversaries that mysteriously wound up in the West Wing. It cost her more to lure Craig Livingstone away from his job as a bar bouncer to manage White House security, and he wanted hefty tips for every single constituent he roughed up. Nor did it come cheap to have Vince Foster moved to Fort Marcy Park and laid out under a tree, his arms neatly at his side, after his handgun "suicide."

The fact that the Republican opposition politicized every little thing led to other extreme costs, a couple of which came out of Hillary's personal funds. Understandably, she has spent much of the time since the White House years trying to cover this large deficit in her personal finances with her only asset: her gift of public speaking, earning tens of thousands of dollars from industry groups and enemy governments who cannot find any other speaker quite as shrill.

edit Return to private life

The Clintons bought yet another home, in Chappaqua, New York, and settled into ordinary married life — a marriage where Hillary would be free to scheme about a follow-on campaign, as New York is always receptive to yet another left-wing candidate originally from somewhere else; and Bill would be free to pursue another Canadian rack-of-ribs.

edit Return to public life

Before you could shake a broomstick at it, a seat freed up in the U.S. Senate and Hillary announced her candidacy. Rep. Rick Lazio was her opponent in 2000, and all anyone remembers about him is striding across the stage to hand Hillary a "campaign pledge" to sign. The Media was incredulous that a strong, independent woman such as Hillary could essentially be raped on live television.

Rep. Lazio was defeated, 55%-to-43%, and even now has to check in with police everywhere he moves, and wear an ankle bracelet like any other sex offender. Hillary's election to the Senate was thus another giant step forward toward equal treatment of women, whereas Lazio, in a mere two more decades, will become the senior and most venerated of Manhattan's squeegee men.

edit In the Senate, waiting (2001-2009)

After the campaign ended and all the records about being the first woman this-or-that rattled to a stop and were quiet, like so many quarters that failed to reach the shot glass, Hillary prepared for a productive life as a Senator despite authoring even fewer bills than she had written lawsuits back at Rose. However, there were always problems:

  • Her election to the Senate had not kept George W. Bush out of the White House. Despite leaving most of his neurons in Texas, he was a master of the photo-op and staged event, and continued to draw more publicity than the Junior Senator from New York.
  • Less than two years later, there was the small matter of the September 11 attacks. Suddenly, the nation wanted a military response and there was no time for weightier matters like trying again to gum up health care. All Hillary could do was vote for the Iraq War and the Patriot Act, and bide her time until her party devised a reason they were both Bush's fault.

Nevertheless, in 2006, Hillary decided she wanted more of it, and spent an outrageous $36 million to defeat the charismatic John Spencer,[Who?] ex-mayor of Yonkers,[Where?] 67%-to-31%.

In her second Senate term, she was against the Iraq "surge" and called Gen. Petraeus a liar, long before that became fashionable. Despite this, Petraeus got the troops needed to end the war in Iraq and turn it into a relatively manageable drumbeat of terrorist attacks.

edit 2008 Presidential campaign (2008)

ComradeHillary

A popular 2008 campaign poster of Comrade Clinton emphasized her Five-Year-Plan for the national economy.

Hillary would have told New York voters she intended to finish out her second term. We just don't know, as key records are missing. However, on the first day of her second six years, she formed a committee to run for President.

Winning in 2008 was vital. If she failed, then in 2012 she would have to give up Senate re-election to try for President — unlike lucky bastards like Paul Ryan. Moreover, if a Democrat won in 2008, Hillary would have to respectfully sit out 2012 and, already most of the way toward frumpy, she would be flirting with overt senility (not that Reagan didn't make even that work).

So, after decades of swatting away mosquitoes in Arkansas, being cuckolded on national TV from Washington, exposing herself as a policy flop, lying, stealing files, and destroying evidence for That Hussy, she called in all the chits for a desperate run at the Presidency. And indeed, she led in all the polls, and everywhere else until people actually had to vote. She wowed them in New Hampshire after showing she could cry on command, just like Bill (which, oddly, had not gone over well in 1972 when Ed Muskie had tried it).

It seemed that nothing could go wrong now. The only competitor was John Edwards — only, no newspaper other than the National Enquirer was covering his love child, use of campaign funds as hush money, and abandoned, cancer-stricken wife. Also some black guy, who Bill said "a few years ago, would have been fetching us coffee." Bill, hailed as "the first black President" for the number of times he was in trouble with the law, now began driving away African American votes in droves Sorry, lots of them.

Then, in March 2008, Hillary had to admit that she had not, as claimed, flown through sniper fire landing at Tuzla, Bosnia; those bullets were in fact just large hailstones. A scandal that did not touch Geraldo Rivera or Brian Williams (much) ruined Hillary's chances — because of America's persistent hatred of All Womyn. Worst of all, Hillary was forced to attend the convention, applaud politely, and shift her posture to make less conspicuous the large number of knives that had been stuck in her back.

edit Secretary of State (2009-2013)

It got worse than that, when the Dark Lord stepped forward and offered to remove the knives himself. On the time-honored theory of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer," Hillary joined the Obama cabinet. The two shared a hate of anything any American does without their help, and a love of collecting dirt on their adversaries, while scrubbing their own dirt until there are scratch-marks on the hard disk. The job also kept Hillary in Washington in case something better freed up.

The quandary that the two would now be collecting dirt on each other, Hillary neatly solved by setting up an email server in the barn on the Back Forty of her Chappaqua home, from which she ran the entire State Department. An added benefit was that Congress could never see her official emails, though Wikileaks could. And no one, even Obama, thought it strange that State Department emails did not come from state.gov but ElephantThighs.xxx.

The biggest challenge in America's diplomatic corps was Obama's desire to "reach out to Islam" as only a transformational healer could — say, by sending a gay Ambassador to Libya. Ambassador Stevens repeatedly wired in that it would be nice to fortify the embassy and consulates. Perhaps a couple of salvage Jeeps parked in front of the gate to impede smash-and-grab hostage-takings. Unfortunately, the only spare funds in the budget had already been used, at the embassy in Switzerland, to replace the entire motor pool with Priuses.

Things soon got worse. Stevens made an impromptu trip to Benghazi, despite the poor security, ostensibly to kick off a Middle East tour by rock band AC/DC, but probably also to find out whether weapons the U.S. sent into the wrong hands had fallen into other wrong hands, and to buy them back with the large wad of cash he carried. Damned if an impromptu, rag-tag bunch of impoverished Benghazi youth stormed the consulate, as always carrying their professionally lettered English-language protest signs and shoulder-fired missile launchers. Stevens was killed, along with a consular aide and two CIA guys who came to buy them time against the mobs until the imminent arrival of U.S. rescue planes.

Worse still, Obama's first term was ending, the Republicans had nominated someone you could almost like (if you had a trust fund), and he had just whupped Obama in a debate, though he would soon realize that such antics were beneath him. The election was on a knife-edge and Obama did not want to hear about "that Benghazi shit" as he had a big fundraising trip to Las Vegas the next day, where the golf is good and probably the cocaine.

Kerry

When John Kerry succeeded Hillary, she got the consolation prize of knowing that no one would remember her as an ineffective Secretary of State.

Aides left at the White House tried to figure a way to save the Administration from itself, between bouts of surfing the web for porn. Someone (records of the entire day are curiously missing) had the brainstorm that, if young Libyans found the same YouTube channel (for which the State Department had apologized, the day before the attack), they would get angry enough at the United States to do unspeakable things, such as the unspeakable things they had just done. Hillary, along with Ambassador Susan Rice and the Big Guy himself, ran a week-long road show apologizing to the U.N. and the Islamic world for free speech in America, and just like that, Obama had another four years to try to undo America's harms.

In 2013, Hillary sized up the situation and resigned from the Department of State, leaving Obama to nominate John Kerry. Why the long face?

edit Accomplishments

Easy button

One of Hillary's first initiatives to steer American foreign policy away from defending America's interests was to present a "Reset" button like this to Sergey Lavrov to show the U.S. would bear no grudges over Russia invading its neighbors. Imagine her surprise when she found out the correct translation was, "You stink!"

Hillary, again untethered from the public payroll, retreated to Chappaqua. The solitude was off-putting, as her ostensible husband was out giving speeches and chasing skirts. But before crocheting a single pot-holder, she took a quiet moment to assess her accomplishments as Secretary of State:

  • She had amassed more frequent-flier miles than Henry Kissinger.
  • She had given the Rooskis a fine gift (pictured), assuming the lettering meant what it was supposed to mean. (This refers to the "Reset button" and not the gifts of Georgia and the Crimea.)
  • She had carried out Obama's orders to retreat from Iraq, which would be an accomplishment, assuming that the Iraqis strapped on their hard-hats and got back to work in the oil field. Unfortunately, though their hard-hats were strapped on, they were in the other room, along with their heads, when the ISIS forces took over town after town.
  • Arabia was in flames, its leaders were annoyed at America for nagging them about women's rights, the Caliphate was advancing, Russia was eating Ukraine and the Baltics and was asking what was the Main Course, North Korea was taking America's money but launching missiles anyway, and China was flexing its muscles. It was a world in line with Obama's first inaugural speech, where he said, "America is an exceptional nation. Of course, Peru thinks it is too, probably."
  • Most importantly, however, she had weaved the web of deceit that got her boss re-elected, and the only assumption that took is that the American voter is a dope.

Sizing up Hillary's career, she was not the first female Secretary of State (following Albright and Condo), nor probably the first female First Lady. However, she does hold the record for most public offices achieved by virtue of being the wife of someone famous. NOW was ready to award her its prestigious Sleeping Herself to the Top award, but Hillary tactfully declined it.

Hillary is also without peer as the most publically unwanted wife in America — Monica Lewinsky being merely the most notoriously discarded mistress. And they both signed book deals.

The introspection took five whole minutes, after which Hillary began scheming to capture the Oval Office and get rid of Obama's shag carpets, hookahs, and portraits of Malcolm X, with a minimum of additional scandals and corpses along the way.

edit 2016 Presidential campaign (1975-2016)

HillaryClintonAaaa

Opponents unfairly denounce Hillary as "shrill."

No sooner did Hillary announce her candidacy, however, than the hardcover book Clinton Cash came out. It documented the uncanny way in which honoraria for speeches, book deals, and spontaneous contributions to the Clinton Family Foundation coincided with decisions at the Department of State to green-light projects such as Russia's acquisition of 20% of America's uranium. It described GE's millions to the Foundation, promptly followed by government contracts with GE. And — misunderstanding the imprecise world of foreign diplomacy — it called it unseemly that Hillary would take money from radical Islam while continuing to posture as a champion of women's rights.

Hillary's denials of the claims were categorical:

  • A White House spokesman said the author had been discredited by a typo that is in plain view on Page 243.
  • Hillary, holding campaign events in New Hampshire, had her handlers clear out coffee shops — including the kitchens — before she arrived, so that there was no one in the joint except her own handlers (They deserve coffee too!) and members of the Federal Employees Union.
  • Hillary's Press Corps clarified that there was no cash-for-favors, as even the Saudi Arabians paid with wire transfers.
  • Re-filing five years of financial reports once you are caught in a lie is simply part-and-parcel of an unprecedented spirit of openness and transparency.

After decades of downplaying Clinton scandals, the media suddenly pursued these themes. Anchormen read the book's appendices, which covered the long span of Hillary's career, and showed that she secretly bankrolled Hitler with the Illuminati to start World War II, this after having Archduke Ferdinand shot to set off World War I. CNN reported that Hillary fired on Fort Sumter to start the US Civil War. She was also the original Star Wars screenwriter, inventing Jabba the Hutt, who had the slender thigh-to-ankle region that Hillary always wanted.

edit Senility, the final frontier

Hillary&#039;s competition

Hillary's competitors for the 2016 nomination are merely frumpy, except that Bernie Sanders (lower left) is also loopy.

An op-ed called Hillary Clinton's great 2016 fraud came out during a Hillary "listening tour." That Hillary wanted to listen to other people's opinions had been her great 2008 fraud, apart from crying on cue. The writer suggested Hillary get a Broadway producer, not a campaign manager, "if she were being honest with us," though adding that, in that case, she wouldn't be Hillary.

In passing, though, he disclosed a completely new threat to the campaign: Although any good politician spends every waking moment trying to bankrupt, vilify, imprison, or knock off adversaries while clawing to higher office, she must go through the motions of hearing testimony and writing bills and reports. However, when asked about the manufacturing sector and job training, Hillary could do no better than restate the questions, despite having sat on Senate Committees and Joint Task Forces and having signed reports that claimed to address those very topics. It seemed that Hillary had gone beyond frumpy.

Again, Ronald Reagan won an election with Alzheimer's, but not the first one, and he was actually likable, a strategy that is nowhere in the Hillary playbook. Hillary might have been right in 2008 that it would be too late in 2016.

edit Enigmas and conundrums

Heil Hillary

On the campaign trail, Hillary modeled an orange prison jumpsuit, or perhaps the uniform of a saluting Chinese Communist.

“Ah don' feel no ways tahr'd!”
~ Hillary doing her best Stepin Fetchit imitation for a fawning black audience in Selma

Wikipedia notes Hillary's constant anguish that marrying Bill Clinton and especially using his last name would be an obstacle to letting "me be me," and especially that she might be known not for her own "accomplishments" (There's that word again) but through other people. The only elephant in this ointment is that, even after getting Bill out of the picture entirely, she does not know who she is.

  • A right-wing, pro-defense Democrat in the mold of Henry Jackson? Or a mainstream Democrat in the mold of Karl Marx?
  • A champion of capitalism, in the form of sham book deals, speaking fees, and envelopes of cash from swarthy, towel-headed foreigners? Or capitalism's biggest nightmare, who is sure that corporations do nothing to create jobs?
  • Someone who wants your votes as a woman? Or someone who wants your votes to prove that it doesn't matter that she is a woman? Or despite being a woman?
  • A gal who's her own gal, or Bill's gal (the one with the huge ankles, not the one with the awesome suction)? A Rodham, a Rodham Clinton, or a Clinton? Or nothing?
  • What's with the Southern accent?

The answer to these questions will be in next year's Uncyclopedia Annual Update, after the polling data have come in.

edit The punch line

Woman's point of view

Just as it is "time" for a female President, it was "time" for an encyclopedia article on the inevitable future female President written from the woman's point of view.

Kate Harding in 2015 vowed to "vote with my vagina," and one hopes she lives in a state with voting machines with levers, rather than paper ballots or, above all, Florida, where hanging flaps are always problematic. The reader should read this article with her/his vagina, or at least use it to scroll the display, because the use of other nearby orifices might be relatively painful.

Hillary has promised to sign all legislation with that organ, obviating the "auto-pen," and it seems that every year with a Clinton in the White House reveals a creative new use for it.

The reader has now been treated to an authoritative resumé of three decades of self-dealing, treachery, backstabbing, and corruption, with the occasional corpse, anecdotes all of which are more than one week old — yes, Old News — which means the nation should Move On. The candidate has cancelled her scheduled appearances for the rest of this week, at the end of which the current scandal will also be Old News. (She will, however, hold "electronic town halls" and take written questions by Internet users the campaign has pre-cleared.)

Besides, all of this must have been written by a political opponent who has an axe to grind, who did not make up his own mind but is merely in lockstep behind Limbaugh or someone, and is surely being paid off by the Koch Brothers.

Because, you see, it is "time" to elect a woman. (The "time" to elect an "African American" was 2008 and 2012.)

edit Disclaimers

Hillarystache

It is "time" to put a woman in the White House, if only because that mustache would really tickle the female interns.

In the future, some facts in this article may be questioned or even disproved. This does not mean they are lies but merely inoperative cases of having misspoken, which is completely different — no less than if the truth were to accidentally appear in this authoritative reference work.

The authors of this article received no improper influence from its subject, but were simply allowed to sell a few copies, for a nominal price meant only to recoup the costs, at the Bill and Hillary Clinton and Chelsea, Buddy, and Monica Foundation, right next to the cigar concession.

edit See also

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Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

Barack Obama / Baraq Hussein Osama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader

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