Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign

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Hillary's rec of world
Hillary Clinton's view of the world.

Although Hillary Clinton has been evasive as to whether she plans to run for the 2008 presidential election, one sign that she intends to do so is the massive fund-raising efforts that she and her wayward husband, the former president, have orchestrated. Hillary Clinton’s presidential fund-raising campaign includes innovative and imaginative methods for filling her political war chest, far outstripping the Clintons’ transformation of the White House into a bed and breakfast inn when they charged guests for the privilege of straying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom while Bill Clinton was the nation’s chief ejaculating executive officer.

edit Methods

Senator Clinton, her husand, and their marital aids have come up with several ideas to raise money.

edit Hillary’s Bust

Hillary's bust
Quite a pair!

Hillary has borrowed the bust that artist Daniel Edwards sculpted of her senatorial bosom. Once on display in Manhattan’s Museum of Sex, the perky pair have acquired quite a shine from having been polished by the caressing hands of many admirers, including actress Sharon Stone, who inspired the sculpture of Hillary Clinton's Bust by speaking publicly about the senator’s “sexual power”; pollster Dick Morris, a former advisor to President Clinton; “hordes of horny lesbians”; Monica Lewinsky; pop singing sensation Madonna; and, of course, Bill. (Some critics contend that the bust resembles former president Jiminy ["Cricket'] Carter, with whom one of the Clintons is alleged to have had an extramarital affair.) The senator plans to install the bust in her chambers in the U. S. Capitol Building, charging her admirers $1,000 each for every caress that they deliver to her likeness’ breasts, $2,000 for each kiss, and $5,000 for each act of intra-mammary intercourse, whether a penis or a dildo is employed.

edit Britney Giving Birth

Britney spears birth statue
Britney Spears laboring, but not for Hillary’s cause

Edwards offered to display his nude statue of Britney Spears giving birth “doggy style” on a bearskin rug as well, believing “fans would pay any price to see the pop princess in labor,” but Clinton declined, pointing out that “I’m an avid defender of a woman’s right to terminate her child’s life, a position that is contradicted by both the statue of Spears giving birth and by the very title of the sculpture, Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston. Besides, the vagina should be an instrument of leisure, not labor; recreational sex should be the ideal for young women--other than Chelsea, of course.”

edit Lewinsky Contribution

Lewinsky dress
Monica’s blue dress, courtesy of the National Archives, Washington D. C. and Ms. Lewisnky’s Big Mouth, LLC

Also on display will be Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress, complete with Bill’s semen stains. To take a gander at the gown, spectators will have to pay $1,000. To touch the dress itself, they will have to pony up $2,000, and to finger the presidential semen, they will have to part with $5,000. Taking a fig leaf from Oral Roberts, Senator Clinton had hoped to cut the dress into one-foot-square “prayer cloths,” selling each square for several thousands of dollars; however, Lewinsky would not allow the senator to destroy the gown, saying that it has not only sentimental value to her but also “historical significance unique to the anals annals of American politics,” noting that no other president has left “part of himself” as a legacy to his nation, “not even the father of our country, George Washington.”

Lewinsky mouth
Monica to captivate audiences with tales of her "office romance" with President Bill Clinton

Instead, Lewinsky has agreed to be a guest speaker, telling paying audiences how she and the former president kept “illicit rendezvous in the Orifice Oval Office.” She anticipates that she will be able to raise millions of dollars in campaign funds because “America wants to know how our former president tastes.”

edit Bill Clinton’s Kiss-and-Tell Lectures

Clinton guest speaker
Bill Clinton rehearses tell-all speech

The former president has likewise offered to share with the American people accounts of his sexual relations with Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Dolly Kyle Browning, Judy Gibbs, Kathleen Wiley, Deborah Mathis, Cristy Zercher, Elizabeth Ward, Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman), Paula Grober, and Virginia Cassidy Blythe (a. k. a. Mom) “In fact,” he drools drawls, “maybe some, or all of us, could re-enact our escapades, as couples or collectively. That would sure fetch some trailer trash cash!”

“See?” Hillary asked the press. “Bill was thinking of me, at the time that he was having affairs with other women. He knew I might one day run for president--not that I am doing so now, mind you--and he knows first hand the salacious appetite of the American people. He knew he’d be able to sell his stories of his sexual escapades to help fund my race for the nation’s highest orifice office. Even when he’s naked, Bill is my knight in shining armor.”

“He’s a good man, and he tastes good, too,” Lewinsky added upon hearing of her former office mate’s decision to tell all.

edit Morris’ Book

Morris is writing another book on his insights about the Clintons, Anything for a Buck, part of the proceeds of which he will donate to Clinton’s presidential campaign, "if and when she decides to run."

edit Criticism

The senator's methods are not without criticism. President George ("Dubya") Boosh claims that these approaches are "gauche" and "unnecessary." All Senator Clinton has to do is "threaten the, uh, American people with, uh, terrorism, as I do," to get elected. "It's not, uh, appropriate, in my view, for either the, uh, senator or the former, uh, president to put themselves on display like this and make themselves--and, uh, their country--a, uh, laughingstock." Asked about Boosh's criticisms, former President Clinton said, "He's just jealous that his wife's hooters aren't as big as Hillary's, and he's mad that he can't enjoy himself, as I have, in the Orifice Oval Office. Besides, sex sells."

edit See Also

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