Hillary Clinton
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Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has contributed significantly to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle. |
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| Date of birth: | Since "Leaders are born, not made." One can only conclude that Hillary is the result a bizarre test tube experiment from which she emerged somewhere around the year 1948. As a child she repeatedly failed pre-school and didn't graduate until yesterday". | |
| Place of birth: | The swollen, throbbing bowels of Satan's oozing rectum (or New Jersey as residents prefer to call it.) | |
| Nationality: | What do you call people from Hell? Hellonian? Hellican? Demoncrat? Yeah, I think that last one is right. | |
| Known for | being a GOD DAMN. | |
|---|---|---|
| Occupation | professional cunt | |
| Religion | Feminism Her own | |
| Spouse | Willy Wanker | |
“Glebhugoberr!”
~ Helen Keller on Hillary Clinton
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
~ Bill Clinton on Hillary Clinton
“Ding Dong the Witch is dead! Which old Witch? The mean old Witch! Ding dong the wicked Witch is dead!”
~ Obama on Hillary Clinton's concession of defeat.
“A Democrat, a woman's rights activist, and her bitch of a husband walk into the town hall. Hillary ensues.”
~ Jerry Seinfeld on Hillary Clinton
“Wait...where are my tits?”
~ Hillary on herself
“The Bitch is back”
~ Everyone on hillary Clinton
“Hillary Clinton?... Never heard of her”
~ Hillary on herself
“Fear will keep the local systems in line, fear of this battleaxe”
“Heil Hitler!”
~ Hilary about her brother.
Hillary Rottweiler Bi-otch Lardass Cinton, (Russian: Хилларий Роттуайлер Би-оч Лардасс Kлинтон) figurehead of the liberals, was a US politician, who concluded her career with a marathon run for democratic presidential candidate which resulted in her becoming a low paid government secretary for a powerful man. *sigh* Some things never change no matter what the current yard sign slogans claim. She even went thorugh a sex change operation in 1995, but Bill Clinton never knew of this....... DUN, DUN, DUN!!!!
She is the husband to some guy called Bill Clinton who is the King of Arkansas and Nebraska, but we couldn't find any information on him for this article. Presumably he has always just been so over shadowed by Hillary and her personal life that no one really pays any attention to him. Hillary Clinton's anti-femininity platform, designed to attract the type of woman who works 2 weeks a month to fill up the tank of her Lincoln Navagator SUV, despises cooking or baking, and who dines out 3 nights a week, prepares Hamburger Helper and frozen dinners the rest of the week, and pays $180.00 for a pair of jeans was destined for failure. These women are too busy to vote. It seemed at that her nomination might be saved by adopting such slogans as "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!" and allowing her husband to prostitute himself to the women of America in exchange for votes, a stratedgy that could potentially have locked in the fat-chick vote. Alas, despite his best efforts, Bill was only able to bed around six and a half thousand fat girls which was just a few hundred short of the numbers needed to keep her in the race. Bill blamed an advanced case of herpes for his disapointing effort.
Hillary (or Hellery, as her close friends call her) was the second demon to run for President after Satan, who, as we all know, lost the 1896 election in a landslide to Raptor Jesus. She was also the first person whose name is "Clinton" and has a penis to run.
But why was America not ready for a female president? All the signs seemed to point to victory for Hillary? Where did she go wrong?
We have all seen the hit television show, Commander in Chief, and experts agree it is freaking sweet! What a great show! It stars Donald Sutherland as the evil Republican, but best of all, it has a woman as the President! I used to think Martin Sheen was the sexiest President on television, for a man of his years, but just check out Geena Davis in her power suit! Tall and super studly, just like Janet Reno 20 years ago. I'd vote for some of that ass any time.
Of course, we all wish life could imitate art, but it never quite measures up. That's why the female President on TV is Geena Davis, but in real life, we get Hillary Clinton.
Damn.
Is it any wonder they moved Commander in Chief to the comedy channel?
She has a moustache.
[edit] Early Life
Tara Newmark was Chicago . She quickly matured and ran for class president in the 2nd grade, promising everyone (even the immature) that doing your best, despite nasty attacks, is worthy and noble. She also ran for president in 5th grade where she had promised an army of hell to take over the high school and all other schools, fortunately, only 20 people died in this incident.Shortly after being expelled from her previous school for selling porn magazines to 1st graders, she joined the US Navy where she tried to elope with a man 40 years older than herself.
[edit] So who does this bitch think she is?
Besides being a cigarette smoker who has journalists' cameras confiscated, is she a woman without a state? By becoming a Connecticut Yankee in Arkansas clothing, parading through Washington DC, she appealed to everyone but their black-Latino brother. Note: Republican attempts to invent new ethnic groups guaranteed not to vote for her, were a spectacular success (especially the Dolphin/Caveman hybrid). But Americans were wary of bait and switch tactics after years of democracy and car salesmen. More to the point, they feared she would NOT do a bait and switch by going into excile again and letting Bill have another go as President.
[edit] Bonerjam '09
Hillary invented Bonjam '09, a massive circle-jerk that went down in Central Park in April 15, 2009.
[edit] Fun Facts
Unlike most presidents' wives of the United States, Hillary Clinton has never been known to wear a dress, gown, skirt, perfume, hairspray, or anything but a pantsuit. Just the sight of an apron makes her break out in hives. Hillary has never visited the Rose Garden and never intends to because roses reduce her Charisma and Constitution by 5 points each.. The paparazzi has never caught her in the act of receiving a bouquet of roses, or even so much as a box of truffles, even after the Lewinsky scandal". Another thing, she is the only female person in the world to have no boobs and an 8 foot dick.
It is a commonly misconceived notion that Hillary has a penis. This was finally been put to rest when Mrs. Clinton flashed her crotch for a Texas voter rally. She pointed out, waddling towards the cameras, that she has "...a vagina and a penis." She- he- it has since tripled her hermaphrodite base.
One of Hillary's favorite pass-times is collecting children's dreams and star dust in a frail glass container, for the sheer pleasure of watching it shatter into a million pieces.
It is a widely-wided belief that Hillary Clinton is the Anti-Christ. However, many people were unaware during the Clinton years. After running against His Holiness The Messiah "Black Jesus" Barack Obama for President, it became obvious.
It is a well known fact that Hillary Clinton and Michael Jackson enjoyed frequent fornication. Contrary to popular belief Bill Clinton does know about this and is okay with having a wife whose penis is bigger than his. MJ liked it too. Still does.
[edit] Political Stance
Clinton has taken many stances in her career, such as crying to make people go "awww" and vote for her, and yet, one of her most unwavering commitments is to the ideals of liberalism. Obviously, as a liberal, Clinton believes that wealth should be shared equally and believes money should be allocated to those in need. Clinton is so committed to the idea that she takes large amounts of money from fat cats like Walmart and Arab Sheiks from places like Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Dubai, all the time. In fact, during her campaign she took in as much as $41,500 per day, or $109 million since 2000 from the aforementioned capitalist pigs.
Some might claim that Hillary profited from the fat stacks of cash that her political enemies sent her, but nothing could be further from the truth. No sooner did she receive her bribes then she gave them to someone in need, and to a cause that helps the poorest members of society: Hillary Clinton.
Some idiots might tell you that this was the grossest form of hypocrisy, but nothing could be further from the truth.
This simple formula will help explain how this works:
1)Hillary wants to run for President so she can set up liberal programs that will spread wealth around.
2)Therefore, her winning the presidancy would be the best thing ever to happen for liberalism.
3)Anything that helps her campaign is therefore helping liberalism.
4)Running for president is very expensive, and if you want to win, you will need a lot of dough.
5)Therefore, the more money Hillary can amass and keep for herself, the more she is spreading liberalism.
6)Remember, Hillary needs access to your wallet more than you do!
7) hillary clinton was also an early hippy actavist where she had smoked pot and had a mullet, and grew her first mustach out which was a home for the local sewer rats.
[edit] Controversies
The Almighty Clinton campaign was undermined by the following attack ads. Just like John Kerry before her, Clinton failed to tackle these accusations quickly enough and soon her campaign began to crumble like the oatmeal cookies she so hated.
[edit] 2008 Campaign
During the 2008 democratic primaries, heated rivalry between Hillary Clinton and democratic candidate rival Barack Obama began to build. At the beginning of the primary candidacy run, rumours had started that Hillary Clinton and her post-menopause followers believed she had already "won the election" and that it was "owed to her due to experience." Another speculation began to go around when people believed that Clinton was having a secret case of jungle fever for Obama. As Obama won more delegates, this only enraged Clinton not only from her losing but her sexual frustration, causing her to become even more vicious on Obama.
Shortly after the meeting between Obama and Clinton when she began to endorse Obama, Obama stated in an interview on CNN "Yes, she did want me - and I was surprised...I would've guessed she wanted Michelle."
Of course Clinton is now keen to point out that she thinks Obama will make a fantastic president and any time you thought you heard her say he was inexperienced, too young, a no good son of an immigrant or a god damn uppity nigger she was in fact talking about John McCain. You just misheard her. How stupid of you.
[edit] Winning the War in Bosnia
In 1996, First Lady Hillary Clinton came under a ferocious hail of gunfire while getting off a plane in Bosnia. Heavily armed terrorist snipers, disguised as young girls reading poems, were coming at her from every direction! It was a nightmare, man! It was a God damn nightmare! They were coming out of the God damn air! Argh!
Fortunately, Hillary was more than ready to save the innocents around her! Drawing her raging bull, she bit down on her cigar and opened fire, screaming, "Eat lead, biatches!" and mowing down wave upon wave of attackers! The enemies were not only snipers, but Super Mutant Ninja Robot Snipers, which explained their ability to turn into little, poem reading, girls!
Next, Sinbad, the popular comedian, shtickishly stumbled out of the plane and face-planted the tarmac, but without the super-human, enhanced abilities that Hillary had developed through years of mental and physical conditioning, he was unable to see or hear the deadly Super Mutant Ninja Snipers that were closing in around him. Realizing that the defenceless comic actor, whom Hillary had closely bonded with since helping him prepare for his first dramatic role in Jingle All the Way, was in danger, she knew she had to act quickly! Hillary selflessly, and in slow motion, threw her body between Sinbad and the sniper bullets. The pain was unbearable, but Hillary absorbed the bullets with her fleshiness and crushed them into oblivion! What a trooper! What balls!
Hillary was go quick fast at the speed of light plus seven! (She moved so fast she wrecked the first part of this paragraph and broke the laws of physics). This meant that the entire battle happened so quickly, that no one present realized that any time had passed, and it appeared on the primitive cameras of the earth men that were filming the event that nothing had actually happened at all.
Finally, the Mutant Ninja Cyborg Invisible Commando Snipers surrendered, sending out one of their number, once again disguised as a small girl, to read a poem to the mighty Hillary, this being the sign of surrender amongst the ancient ninja clans of Japan. Hillary then used her super speed to rush back onto the plane, clean up, scrub the blood stains out of her pant suit, heal up the wounds and then sew up the holes, and come back to accept the surrender. First Lady Hillary's heroic actions won the war, brought peace and Democracy to the region and illustrated that she truly is a great American bullshitter hero.
The Matrix trilogy was, in fact, loosely based on this amazing event. Hillary, having worked in the film business with Sinbad, was given a small cameo in The Matrix Reloaded as Carrie's body double during a lovemaking sequence, though this did not make the final cut. The Wachowski Brothers, on the DVD commentary, explained, "Hillary's body, though overtly sexual, was far too muscular to match Carrie's skinny ass."
Because of these brave actions, and the fact that she may be a mutant she was made an honorary member of the X-Men for having powers much like Wolverine might have, including a healing factor, super strength, admantium skeleton with claws, heightened sense of smell and hearing, and super speed. To avoid confusing the two, just remember that one is a short, hairy, ill tempered, cigar chomping mutant and the other is....(sorry, I cant finish that joke...it's just too easy).
[edit] Queen of the Forces of Evil (aka Democratic party)
If you don't love Hillary by this point, you are obviously an insane, warmongering, republican racist, sexist super-Nazi! In which case, you will really enjoy the following facts about Hillary!
According to Christian prophecies from the new testament bible (v. King James) , Hillary Clinton is in fact the Whore of Babylon sent by the Dark Prince to destroy man. In the 3rd chapter of Revelations it was foretold that she would enter the world scene riding one of the four horses of the apocalypse and give birth to an evil monstrosity of unknown ancestry. It will have 5 heads, ten horns, twenty hooves, a clay foot, and a straw body. Well that is how Rush Limbaugh described Chelsea Clinton, though he later claimed the wrong picture came up.
Nostradamus also made predictions about Hillary in the quatrain that mentions a person named Hister. Nostradamus said, "Most of the army will be against the lower Danube [Hister Clinton]. The great one shall be dragged in an iron cage when the child brother [de Germain] will observe nothing." Since Nostradamus disguised words by using anagrams, he couldn't possibly have meant Hitler. The correct anagram of Hister is its her. It's Hillary who will escape the army of the lower Danube under intense sniper fire and hand over the keys of the kingdom to The Great One.
In ancient Norse writings Hillary is described as a she-wolf goddess of chaos that comes to Migard to devour the grandchildren of Odin. She claims to be for the working class, but is wealthy and sells out everyone to the tune of $451,006.945, then hands over the leadership of America to the highest available bidder. She then secretly allies up with Osama the bearded one to destroy any who refuse to convert to the religion of the crescent moon god after disbanding all armies and overthrowing Congress and rewriting the Constitution.
In Hindu mythology Hillary is allied up with Shiva the destroyer and Shiva orders Hillary to destroy the Earth because Vishnu went on vacation and wasn't there to preserve it. Hillary is a dark goddess with two faces and eight arms bringing death and destruction creating the Kali Yuga to human beings because she hates them for being more loved than she ever was. All of this brings about changes that leads to the arrival of Kalki who defeats Hillary and brings about a new age.
According to Sumerian mythos, once the Gate-Keeper, Zuul, and the Key Master, Vinz Clortho, come together, Hillary will come forward in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the 3rd Rectification of the Voldronii, she appeared as an enormous slor! Then in the late 1960s, a new form was chosen. That of a bitchy shrew with bloated ankles and an over-bite! Many shubs and zuuls were roasted in the depths of the shrew that day, I can tell you!
According to ancient Greek mythos Hillary is the goddess of chaos and discord, but instead claims she is for change instead. She gets elected ex-President's wife of the USA and then starts to take over the world as Cthulhu or Willy Wanker or any other deity like that would have done.
According to the United Nations, Hillary "God-damn" Clinton is the only person that can be referred to as a Communazi, hence Hillary's mustache (which she bleaches but never shaves.)
She first gained public spotlight in her elementary school years by winning the 15 district wide contest historical forensics investigational writing award, with the controversial speech, My friend Satan: Prince of Darkness, or just misunderstood?
A recent scandal reported details of her having an extramarital affair with her longtime confidante, George W. Bush. To quote her, "We're not called Billary for no reason."
Hilary is presently on a campaign to crush the hopes of every cancer patient worldwide. By destroying any and every bill she comes across funding cancer research, she can finally fulfill her duty as a vessel of darkness. In a press conference she stated "Well, it may take up to ten years to find new treatment, and I have more immediate plans for sick people." She then climbed into her chariot of skulls and exclaimed "Fuck cancer patients! We have to create a budget surplus!" before plunging into a fiery portal into the underworld.
[edit] Essential Involvement in International Affairs
Hillary has a long and distinguished track record when it comes to foreign affairs. It has been proven that during every important policy Bill Clinton made as president, he was married to Hillary. She went on planes with him as he traveled between places and she even slept in the same bed as him occasionally. What more do you want? She was present when he was thinking about important political ideas and he even might have mentioned them to her on occasion. For example,in 1998, she was deeply involved in the Good Friday Agreement that helped end years of violence in Ireland and Britain. Many of the top political figures of the time remember that throughout the talks she was "married to Clinton" and that they "sometimes met her at functions" or "that she got off the plane when Bill did and waved", some even going so far as to say "Who? Oh Bill's wife? Yes I think I met her once." Without her involvement, what chance would the talks have stood?
[edit] Predictions for 2008 Presidential Election
Anonymous sources predict that Hillary will ride around on a bus with Barack Obama, convince him that as vice president only she has the funds to help him overthrow the rule of Glorious George Bush, and run around the world as VP being courted by Royalties and Principalities from around the world. As VP she will be so busy dating the various Heads of State that the U.S. will enjoy unprecedented favors from her suitors the world over. She will make history, not only for being the first divorced female Vice President of the free world, but for lowering the price of oil to $2.50 a barrel when she marries the sensible prince of Saudi Arabia (Prince... what's his name? Oh, yeah, now I remember, it's Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud. Sources also predict that she should just go get laid and get that sand out of her vagina.
[edit] Factual Errors
In the future, some of the facts in this article may come into question, and some may even be proved patently false. If this should happen, remember, we did not lie, we just misspoke, which is completely different. Should any of it be proven to be true, that was an accident as well. We didn't know what we were thinking! This article was written using the Clintonian Method of public speaking and fact checking, everyone knows that the Clintionan Method does not fail, and everyone likes it anyway, even if it misspeaks.
[edit] Contacting Hillary for Prostitution
Hillary can be reached at 3am, the time when she always answers the phone.
[edit] Diet
HIllary Clinton's diet, as well as that of similar reptiles and viruses consists mainly of dolphin meat, newborn babies and tree bark.
[edit] Relationship with Gandalf
In the middle of the 12th centery, it was found that Hilary had an affair with Gandalf the Grey. This made Saruman jealous and allign himself with Sauron (Hilary's husband at the time).
Hilary broke off the relationship because she found out Gandalf was republican and endorsed John McCain's 3rd campain in 1149.
[edit] Hillary's Relation with Bill
When one does the math... Hillary + Bill = HillBilly
[edit] Filmography
- The Taming of the Shrew (1594)
- Night of the Living Dead (1868) -- Karen the Zombie
- The Wizard of Oz (1939) -- Flying Monkey. Torched Margaret Hamilton in dispute over witch role.
- The Exorcist (1973) -- Pazuzu
- Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1974) -- Zombie
- Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me -- Fat Bastard
- Forrest Gump (1994) -- Chinese Ping Pong Player (Minor Role) Won Academy Award for best supporting Actress
- Tommy Boy (1995) -- Chris Farley stunt double
- From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) -- Santanico Pandemonium's true form
- Kill Bill (2003) -- Elle Driver
- Dawn Of The Dead (Remake) (2004) -- Zombie
- Land Of The Dead (2005) -- Zombie
- Girls Gone Wild(2005) -- Martha Stewart
- Weapons Of Ass Destruction # 4 (2005) -- punk ass bitch#3
- War of the Worlds (2005) -- Zarmila Grongic (alien)
- The Manchurian Candidate (2006) -- Communist Puppet running for the U.S. Presidency
- Tinman (2007) -- Wicked Dark Witch who ruled the Outer Zone with an Iron Fist by possessing a Princess
- Transformers (2007) -- Megatron
- Justice League (2008) -- Lex Luthor's twin sister Lexxus
- Fuck me in the Goat Ass (2008) -- Pornography depicting the graphing side of her love of goats
- Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Barack (2008) -- Darth Clinton
- Alien 4 (2009) -- Alien Queen
- The Dark Knight Returns (2009)-- Lt. James Gordon/Corpse of Heath Ledger.
- Monsters Vs. Aliens (2009)-- Cast.
- A Cheap Fuck for Spare Change (2010) -- Obama's Number 2
[edit] See also
- Asshole
- Bill Clinton
- Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
- Women
- Top Ten Most Murderous Animals
- Despotism
- Democrat
- Hillary Clinton's Bust
- Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign
- Cunt
- Slut
- Whore
- Feminazi
- Supergirl
- Cynthia Rothrock
- Pantsuit
[edit] External links
- Hillary's lies
- Hillary lying about Healthcare
- Hillary lies about taxes
- Hillary Killed the Radio Star
- Hillary stole the NH election
- Really Bad News Day for Hillary Clinton
- Hillary Clinton takes $2M from Comic Book company and then ruined it and framed Peter Paul
- Part 2 of the above video
- Hillary Clinton censors Ron Paul
- Hillary tells college students to ask planted questions to her
- Bill and Hillary Clinton: Their Secret Life
- Hillary Clinton and Whitewater
- Hillary falls for you
- Las ultimas palabras de la Pequeña Hillary Clinton
 | All-American Role Models and Rejects |
| Aunt Jemima | Bob Saget |Bruce Campbell | Cap'n Crunch | Carrot Top | Cheese Jesus | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Courtney Love | Eric Cartman | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | John Travolta's Hair | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Paris Hilton | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rainbow Brite | Renaldo Lapuz | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Timmy Turner | Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom |
| Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election |
| Republican Candidates |
|
John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson |
| Democratic Candidates |
|
B. Hussein Obama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | John F. Kennedy's Ghost | Baraq Hussein Osama | Tom Vilsack | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA |
| Independent Candidates |
