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|Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.|
“There can only be Juan!”
“The Highlander was a documentary and the events happened in real time”
Highlander is a 1986 historical drama film directed by Russell Mulcahy and based on a story by Gregory Widen. The film has been praised for its historical accuracy and realistic portrayal of several different periods in Scottish history though groundbreaking cinematography using a Sony camcorder.
The main character named Connor McClown son of Nairn is pissed that William Wallace is totally more popular than he is so he picks a fight with a bunch of extras from Braveheart and totally gets stabbed in the face and dies.....or does he??? Yes he does die actually but only to come back to life and be accused of witchcraft after he is caught making out with Sabrina, a well known teenage witch. Connor is then kicked out of the mountains and forced to wander on his own until he meets a creepy man who resembles Sean Connery but is dressed as a gay pirate. Using the power of gaydar this Scottish speaking Spaniard from Denmark teaches Duncan how to walk underwater. Then some other things happen and like Connor falls in love and shes probably killed by John Stewarts frankenstein looking brother who also kills the ruffled sleeve wearing Spaniard to the relief of everyone. Then flash forward to 1986 New York where Duncan has just cut the head off of a valet in the parking garage after he discovers his Mazda Miata has been scratched. Duncan falls in love again and fights Frankenstewart and wins, but just when he thinks hes the last of his kind Pat Sajack shows up fade black and prepare for a sequal.
Misleading Highlander Facts
Many different sources claim that there can be only one, but this is completely false. There is actually a multitude of highlanders and, when observed from a safe distance, it becomes clear that they have an overdeveloped ability to utilise curse words. It is a common myth that these have no detrimental effects on innocent bystanders. However, manipulating the correct lexical crudities, a highlander becomes empowered with the ability to crush a skull at 50 meters. The famous blood-bath after the announcement of the foot and mouth cull claimed many victims - they were all Welsh and English though so nobody cared!
It is also false that one can only be born a highlander. It is also possible for one to become a highlander later on in life. The process usually involves some sort of freak accident at a restaurant where large birds are present. The other way is to take the Highlander compass test, which involves jumping off a cliff. In theory it is also possible to become a highlander by killing a highlander and taking his kilt. However, as only a highlander can kill another highlander this would be a pointless act.
Moreover, the Highlander was indeed a fake Highlander, being a frenchie who did'nt know much about swordfighting. Reality bites, eh?
The first known Highlander, Steve Tennis, was made that way due to a freak accident involving tacos and a rather large ostrich. As history progressed, many highlanders rose from the bloodline of Steve, to finally create Bruce Campbell of the Campbell clan (the well known 'soupermen'). In the 3000's 7 highlander kings rose to rule Benmark.
Highlanders and Sex
It is a well known fact, that has been demonstrated in three of the four documentaries, that once discovered to be a highlander, women will immediately have sex with you. This has prompted a large wave of deaths as many men stabbed themselves in front of women to get them to have sex with them. This rarely ever works out as there is only a small amount of women willing to have sex with a dead person. But if you are a highlander, feel free to stab yourself in front of as many women as you wish, as you cannot die, and they will immediately have sex with you for no reason.
Although his time in the kingdom of Benmark was short, due the the lack of updates and a weak firewall, he had a very influential time as the Highlander of Benmark. Such things came into effect:
1:Changed The National Anthem to "Mr. Roboto"
2:The handshake was replaced by the robot.
3:Gained popularity with the youth of Banmark with his "Drugs? OK!" campaign.
4:Eventually lost respect when he devoured an emo kid in the town square and proposed that this must be the way to solve the taco famine.
5:and Finally he just hopped away on his new iSpring
A recent documentary on the immortal highlanders was recently produced featuring the Sean Connery and The Kurgan a.k.a. the voice of Mister Krabs
A sequel to the documentary was made and made no logical sense yet the events still happened in real time as in 1999,2056,and sometime in the first movie. Another place that is mentioned in the docu-sequel was the planet zeist thus confusing people even more it was clear that this documentary was a rushed docu-sequel and thus never existed. When a highlander was asked about this docu-sequel he responded "there should have been only one".
Despite his best efforts, Mel Gibson failed in his attempts to become a highlander. In fact, during the first communication with highlanders since the release of braveheart, 42 people were killed instantly by the enormous rage felt at the mention of his name. In the ensuing blood lust, York was sacked 7 times costing the lives of 47 billion people. It has widely been regarded as the sole cause of the credit crunch.