High school football players of Indian descent

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UnAmericanFootball
This is soccer, not football, you godfrosaken foreigner. You play football with your hands. It makes perfect sense to me.

Ah, football, the greatest of spectator sports, timeless as America itself. Never has there been a more finer game involving balls and teams than our cherished American football. It truly never gets old or tiring, watching artificially muscled men clad in tight spandex throw balls at each other, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right, until the game finally ends and I drive home in an awe (and alcohol) induced stupor.

Watching the glorious spectacle sends my heart reeling, as though I was watching the very first football in game in history, thousands of years ago, at the beginning of the universe, when the Lord himself was the referee. O, how I long, how I lust... for the chance to feel closer to God's great game, by watching how it is conducted on Earth. It does send an earnest tear down my eyes and into the very tips of my well tailored hair, viewing what is, and always will be, America's sport.

And, what better way to instill the strong patriotic fervor and fear of Jesus — two things that are pathetically lacking in the U.S today — into the hearts and minds of our youth than giving them the gift of football? No need for that Science, English, History, and Math rubbish, the only education our children need in High School is how to throw and kick balls in spandex for our bemused amusement, and for America. So far, this system has worked wonders in America's high schools: the money that could have been spent funding music or art classes or *audible gasp* teacher's wages has been used to support a true American tradition.

Instead of raising a new generation of poor Un-American lesbian communist liberals, we've grown a generation of children that know how to throw things and run towards other things really fast, two talents necessary for surviving in the modern world. Unfortunately my friends, there is a threat to not only our cherished Football, but to our very way of life.

edit What threat do you speak of, dear narrator?

MapOfIndia
Their country looks like an unshaven hippie's diseased crotch! Indecent.

We all know of the evils of foreign fiends and how they endanger our Christian America from the inside, but this threat that I speak of is far far worse than mere immigrants seeking to exploit the American dream for personal gain or profit: at least Mexicans, disgusting and genetically inferior they may be, have the courtesy of being Catholic, so they're reserved a special, fenced-off portion of Heaven, provided they vote Republican. No my friends, I speak of a foreign foe that is vile beyond comprehensibility, whose cultural trappings are so alien and exotic, their very presence threatens our olden traditions. They, who seek to refuse us the gift of American ingenuity, are High school football players of Indian descent.

To those foolish enough to question why these Godforsaken people are a threat to football or America, I truly pity you. For one thing, you are probably lacking in mental faculties, as are all people who disagree with me, but also, you do not see the threat these Indian bastards have towards our great and honorable sport. You may even think that what I say is foolish, and that Indian football players are no worse than football players of any other ethnicity; to you I say, your naivete does amuse me, yet I only feel sadness for your kind. At times, I feel envious of you who do not see what could kill America itself standing right beside you. Ignorance truly is bliss.

edit Please tell us why those foreign wenches threaten our American way of life!

Rigveda
At the very least, it's not as incomprehensible as ebonics.

Very well, my quaint disciple, I shall tell of the evils of the Indian savages. First things first, they don't speak the language of richness and prosperity — English, even though they were colonized by the English for centuries, which shows an utter lack of respect and subordination on their part. I know that places like Ireland don't speak English, and they're absolutely tolerable, but do you know what language Indians speaks? Do you know that their very tongues utter a guttural language so vile and alien, that only those who have drank the blood of an infant can understand it without going raving mad!? I know this to be true, for I looked it up online. Take here, an example of their language, called Hindi (the sound one makes when choking on a falafel):

मैं बच्चे के रक्त पीने के लिए प्यार करता हूँ.

Disgusting. If you did not automatically wince in terror and destroy your monitor with a strong mallet, you are not human. Worst is that we allow these vile fiends who speak this moon language to move to our land of the free and let their leeching children play our very sports! I weep when I see an immigrant play our cherished football, but to see and Indian play football... my heart stops beating at the very notion. If you read that despicable sentence and only sought to correct the grammatical errors, be gone with you wench! If I could come out your computer screen and tear your still beating heart out of your filthy parasite-ridden body, I would do it with undying glee.

edit Tell us more! Our erogenous zones tingle at the very sensation of your voice!

Vishnuvishvarupa
Hindus, while not feasting on the corpses of fallen military veterans, made up increasingly moronic looking deities to worship.

Another reason why High school football players of Indian descent are the number one threat to American football is their religion. I assume that most of you socialist liberal archaeologists don't know a thing about Hindu-ism (and if you do, be gone with you wench), so allow me to educate you on their pagan beliefs. Hindus have hundreds of thousands of millions of deities, probably in a very poor attempt to out-God America. The three most important ones have unpronounceable names that I can't type properly, and according to some of my educated guesses, they eat babies, defile the American flag, and play football to mock us. Every year they go to this place called New Delhi and circle around a massive black rock and wish death upon America. Then they do something called a Ramayana, where they dance around the decaying corpse of a widow and scream racial slurs at white people. At the end of the day, they have homosexual sex with their neighbors, read a bedtime story called the Caste system to their children, and then continue the cycle of Samsara by sacrificing a virgin to Kalika. Disturbing, is it not?

If you let Indians play football in our high schools, where our innocent Caucasian children could be exposed to them, then you are supporting this despicable religion. If you don't see any problem with tolerating other people's religions, foul and unamerican they may be, then you are a worshiper of Satan. My logic is infallible, and you know it.

edit This sounds awful! O, dear narrator, how do we stop this Indian threat?

I know the road ahead seems difficult, but we will persevere. My America, which fifty years ago had not one minority, now boasts dozens of millions of brown sub-humans leeching of the wealth and resources of the burdened white man, and instead of dumping their rotten corpses in a massive hole in the middle of the desert(, we're "celebrating our diversity" and "upholding civil rights". You tell me, is it upholding civil rights, or propagating the socialist liberal agenda!? But, do not fret my friends, for there is an answer to your earnest pleas. Although America is a melting pot, I will not let the curry of Indian high school football players taint the delicious stew of American traditions. I will not let the spice of Indian destruction overwhelm the meaty, steamy soup of American goodness. I will use the bouillon spoon of American patriotism to destroy every single minority who dares step on MY AMERICA. America shall be a pure nation of white affluent football fans and I will strike down any Indian who dares desecrate America's most sacred institutions. My blade shall touch the flesh of the unworthy, and we shall furrow the fields of America with the spilled blood of all who stands in my way! NOW WHO'S WITH ME!?

No, don't take me away! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I'm not having an attack, now stop... restraining me! LET ME GO! You have no right to lock me up here! I just want AMERICA to BE AMERICA! DON'T PUT ME IN THE ROOM! I CAN'T KILL MINORITIES THERE! Don't TOUCH ME! DON'T TOU—

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