High School Parking Lots
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“Forget everything I said about black holes. High school parking lots are the most destructive forces in the universe. Period.”
“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before crossing the High school parking lot.”
High School Parking lots are the most destructive forces in the universe. The sheer power of poor driving found in these cosmic slabs of asphalt can rip the car of any good driver in two without warning. Science has recently shown that like black holes, high school parking lots produce so much force that light cannot escape them. The cause of this phenomenon is unknown, but it is believed to somehow relate to the overall force of stupidity emanated from the symbiotic counterpart to the high school parking lot, the high school.
Drug and sex capital of the world
The average high school parking lot is an area of commerce for children that have learned the trade of illegal drug selling and sexual favors. In fact, Amsterdam was once a large high school parking lot which later matured into a city. Remember, what happens in parking lot, stays in parking lot.
Mathematical Explanation of High School Parking Lots
All of the mysteries of the high school parking lot are not yet known. However, the greatest physicists in the world have produced the following boner mathematical expressions explaining the forces associated with the high school parking lot:
where F is the force of destruction, N is the number of high school students who have cars at a particular high school parking lot, P is the power of said students' cars' engines, D is the amount of drugs and alcohol consumed by said students on a particular day, and S is your skill as a driver.
where D is your chance of death and F is the force of destruction emanating from a particular high school parking lot.
Types of High School Parking Lots
Although still not fully understood phenomena, high school parking lots have been classified into several categories by high school parking lotologists.
Rich Kid High School Parking Lot
Although considered one of nature's true beauties due to the concentration of luxury automobiles and hot white girls found there, the rich kid high school parking lot is still considered extremely dangerous. In fact, the powerful engines of the luxury automobiles found in rich high school parking lots serve only to multiply the destructive fields of the lots. Furthermore, the arrogance found around rich high school parking lots is known to make Alec Baldwin look like Mother Teresa.
Ghetto High School Parking Lots
Like other high school parking lots, ghetto high school parking lots present the danger of being immediately asploded by the sheer force of bad driving exhibited by the high school parking lot. However, in addition to the standard danger associated with high school parking lots, the ghetto high school parking lot produces a collective force of shootings, stabbings, and muggings so as to double the destructive power of the high school parking lot. As such, it is even more highly recommended that one stay the fuck away from these particular high school parking lots (unless, of course, you're trying to score some crack, pot, heroin, crude oil, kittens, or other recreational drugs).
Christian High School Parking Lots
A peculiar phenomenon occurring only inside of the southern United States, the Christian high school parking lot presents unique dangers. Unlike other high school parking lots, Jesus loves this particular classification (for the bible tells me so), thus there are no auto-accidents here. Ever. (If you say there are, you will go to hell along with all of the muslims, jews, hindus, rastafarians, and other non-believing heathens.) However, science has shown that the requisite unflattering ankle length skirts worn by female students and teachers in the areas surrounding these high school parking lots can lead to flaccidity and, eventually, sterilization in men (this is why Christians cannot reproduce). There is a
rare really fucking common occurrence where the female students, while still being Christians, tend to dress like whores.
This article was written by a high school student. As such, it has the potential to become a high school parking lot at any moment and destroy you, your family, your dog, your soul, and your retarded hamster. Leave immediately! You have been warned. If you think that this warning should be placed at the beginning of the article, you should go fuck yourself immediately, while your mother watches. Or Jerry Sandusky WILL find you.