Hide and Seek

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“Not It!!!!!”
~ Sarah Palin on Hide and Seek
WheresWaldo

Where is Waldo? Um. Yea, I always thought the guy was kinda easy to spot myself actually.

Hide and Seek is a popular sport played worldwide and is the national sport of Estonia. The sport was founded in 1803 by the Myles family in Bristol, England. The father of the family used to enjoy drinking when he came home from work and frequently used to get drunk and chase his six children around the home with a broken bottle.

To avoid the savage beatings of their father the children began to hide themselves around the house and thus the sport was born.

History

From quaint beginnings the sport grew to worldwide popularity. The first league was founded in England in 1866 and the first world championships held one year afterwards.

Fans packing into stadiums and players with multi-million pound contracts there's a growing concern that Hide and Seek has forgotten its simple roots. With that in mind the Classic Hide and Seek Association was founded in 1999 where participants get drunk and chase their children with bottles to recreate a simpler time.

Notable Players

  • Jimmy Hoffa despite people claiming Osama Bin Laden is the World Record Holder, Jimmy Hoffa is the actual all time king of Hide and Seek. Jimmy began playing on July 30, 1975 and has managed to remain safely hidden despite the best efforts of police and federal agents all over the country. Attempts to find him in Giants Stadium were fruitless, as well as a recent effort to find him in Roseville, Michigan. It is possible Hoffa may well never be found and thus become the greatest player in the universe.
  • Osama Bin Laden, record holder from October 2001 to May 2, 2011. A team of highly trained American special forces killed Osama Bin Laden after nearly a decade as Number 1 seed. Was posthumously given a trophy for services to the sport, as well as a Lifetime Achievers' Award. His record will stand until at least May 2017, when it may be surpassed by Madeleine McCann.
  • Malcolm Naden, June 2005 - 22nd March 2012, 2,457 days hiding in the Aussie Bush - Malcolm's record attempt was cut short while trying to cook a steak. But special mention in hiding Bear Grylls style in the bush, his captors couldn't get him to a shower quicker enough. Upon Capture Naden said Thank God it's over, I've had enough!
  • Anne Frank, record holder from 1942 until 1944
  • Humphrey Spooner, record holder with 6 World Championship Victories.
  • Edgar Poolhart, inventor the the much used "look behind you strategy" which won him the 1988 German Championships.
  • 2pac
  • Waldo, Most famous Hide and Seek Champion ever
  • Carmen Sandiago, Wife of Waldo and Second Most Famous Female Hide and Seek Champion
  • 'Biggie Smalls
  • Vladamir Smirmoff was killed during the 1964 olypmics representing his country at Hide and Seek. His head was clean severed from his shoulders in front of a live audience and broadcast live in several countries around the world. He died in hospital three days later.On a positive note Vladamir's death caused safety standards in the sport to be increased.
  • Jason Raval is the 2004 World Hide and Seek Champion and a missing person. He entered the playing arena and hid so well that he was never found. He holds the world Hide and Seek record of 5 years, 1 month and counting.
  • Bigfoot the best hide and seek player ever...
  • U.S Government Vs Roman Polanski was probably the match that bought Hide and Seek to the masses. Unlike in recent hide and seek competition, this was a match that was set up without FUKA recognition. And with good reason. Although officially deemed to be hiding, Polanski had been seen in many regions in the world, where the laws for Hide and Seek were to his favour, such as France and China, which recognises the right of the Hidden to be hidden in public, unlike in places such as the United Kingdom and Switzerland where the Seeker is the one who is given preferential treatment. On the 27th September 2009, whilst in Zurich, authorities, backed by the FUKA authortities, found Mr Polanski and took him into FUKA custody, on reason of himself doing some 22 infingements to the FUKA code, including having sex with a 90 year old, known to be sacreligious and forbidden under FUKA regulations. It is feared that one of the greatest Hide and Seek players in history, has probably played his last game.
  • Madeleine McCann, Promoted from World No. 2 to World No. 1 on May 2, 2011, after the death of Osama Bin Laden. Has now gone four years unfound and is the currently and undisputed Junior Hide and Seek World Champion of the Universe, Madeleine has held the belt since May 2007, and aibeit failing attempts from Shannon Matthews among others, remains unbeaten. It is unclear whether or not she is prepared to put her belt on the line against any other junior in the forseeable future.
  • Shannon Matthews won the West Yorkshire Open of 2008, in Dewsbury - the idea of the open, was to stay hidden until a specific time and in a specific place. Shannon was able to do this without any assistance from the relevant authorities, however questions have been asked about the involvement of several members of her family over whether or not they assisted her during the competition. Her mother, Karen Matthews, was charged by the Hide and Seek authorities in West Yorkshire with attempting to infringe the competition by aiding and abetting Shannon during the competition. However, due to unprecedented support of Shannon from her community, she was allowed to keep her trophy.
  • Don Roberts and Francisco Huron who had an epic match during the 1972 Olympics with Roberts setting the then Olympic record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds which Huron amazingly equaled during the same match.
  • Kevin Flynn a creative player who was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2010. Flynn began a legendary match in 1989 be transmitting himself into a VR world and remained hidden until 2010. After Flynn was found by his son, FUKA created the "Flynn Rule" stipulating that players must remain in the same plane of existence in which he began playing the game.

Conspiracy Theories

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This man has a lot to learn

It has been said that in the final days of World War II, where Hitler knew that he was a beaten man, that he was considering setting up a breakaway Hide and Seek league, as he felt that he needed to repent for his sins.

Another possible theory sprouts from the marriage of Waldo and Carmen Sandiago. There's a rumor that they have already had childrem but no one is able to find them. If confirmation of their existance is found, they could be crowned The Ultimate Hide and Seek Champions of the World.

Variations

Extreme Hide and Seek is widely accepted as the best variation of this beloved pastime. In recent years, the number of people playing Hide and Go Fuck Yourself has risen drastically. Hide and Go Fuck Yourself was originally demonstrated at the 1982 World Fair, and since then has become the favorite sport of the Union of Drunken Stepfathers. The end goal of the game can vary from meaningless tasks like "go bother your mother" to more extreme goals such as "drink the cleaning fluids from under the sink, but save some for your brother." This game is praised for its high level of challenge. More often than not, the Seekmaster General fails to find the Fugitives before the timer ends. Famous Seekmaster Generals have been quoted saying "Huh? Fugitives? Oh, the kids. Why didn't you just say 'the kids' the first god damn time? Get me a beer, woman." It is believed that alcohol may increase one's ability to find the children, although usually it just increases the strength of the Seekmaster General's backhand slaps.

Trivia

  • Until 1992 the game had a time limit of six hours. The only professional game ever to reach that time limit without a winner was the 1979 Finnish Championships Semi-Final in which the referee was legally blind and failed to find three players who'd disguised themselves as lampshades.
  • The phrase "hide and seek" is a palindrome.

See also

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