Heston Blumenthal

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“Willy Wonka on crack.”
~ Gordon Ramsay on Heston Blumenthal

Ken Hom's beloved Hot Wok

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Heston Blumenthal.

Heston Blumenthal (not that one) was born the son of an alchemist and the royal chef at Windsor. He first started to dabble with his father's loins (no childish sniggering please) and his mothers chemicals when he was five and soon became skilled in creating easy to make dishes with twice as much effort. He took his cooking skills to the top cookery school in the country. However, he only lasted a week. Heston soon became the butt of jokes, especially from the then tall thin Anthony Worrall Thompson and the obnoxious Jean-Christophe Novelli. He cursed the chefs of the institute and vowed that they would become stereotypical and easy to impersonate. This deeply worried Ken Hom who was scared someone might mock his precious wok. Despite Heston being a professional chef, his diet mainly consists of hair and dead skin, receiving most of his nutrients through atmospheric osmosis.

edit Perfection


Wanted Dead or Alive for crimes against all that is holy!

While traveling with nothing but a gas stove and a chemistry set Heston contracted a disease. This disease was unknown to him at the time but when he got his restaurant he became obsessively compulsed. The O.C Disorder took Heston by surprise and drove him crazy and had to find a perfect alternative to everything. What started out as a hobby, making things really tasty, soon lead to an addiction which would often include long flights, some tasting and deciding the better version was much closer to home... at Tescos. This is what lead to the hit BBC programme and Heston's lack of hair.

edit Burn the Witch!!!

Heston Blumenthal is commonly called a heretic of the kitchen. He uses spells and special potions to create impossible delicacies that not only entertain but brainwash also. In 2006 when his restaurant gained Michelin Star status Gordon Ramsay, head of UNSC (United.Nations.Speciality.Chefs, called a Sal-had (Holy War) against the so-called witch Heston. This war lasted for approximately 50 mins on gas mark 4. Gordon, after the cook-off, claimed that "It's not my f*cking fault that that f*cking w*nker is clever alright? Tosser...". Heston is still at large and recently found the perfect way to kidnap 6 celebrities and force feed them his perfect Christmas dinner. To capture his 'guests' he is said to use a perfect blend of chloroform, Horlicks and Bovril (for that meaty aftertaste) applied to a napkin and cupped around the mouth. While the subduction is taking place he sings his theme tune. Ding-a-ding ding ding ding ding ding.

The UNSC are now on the lookout for Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall for making canapes out of placenta (seriously, he did).

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