Hershey's

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Revision as of 21:17, January 24, 2012

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hershey's.

“I'll tell you what; I have this and I can tell you, it is not a meal, it's not ready, and you can't eat it because it tastes and is made of someone's shit.”
~ Oscar Wilde on MRHershey's

“The HOOAH! bar is better”
~ The U.S. Miltary on Hershey's

Hershey's, a.k.a. MRHershey's, is a ration produced by the Hershey Company in Hershey, Pennsylvagina, USA. Created by Milton Hershey in 1894 with the U.S. Department of War (now Department of Defense), it became an unanimous synonym for chocolate bars in the USA, noted for its taste of Soylent Green, chocolate and shit. It took almost 100 years to develop the MRHershey's, as the technology Hershey implemented wasn't made yet.

Development

Hooah

The MRHershey's rival and competitor, the HOOAH! Bar.

The Hershey chocolate was invented when the Hershey Company worked with the Pentagon to produce a ready-to-eat meal that can be eaten anywhere in the world. The result is the Hershey chocolate, which requires no preparation and have a feel similar to that of Soylent Green except with a chocolate taste. However, it was not until 1981 that the MRHershey (Meal, Ready-to-Eat by Hershey's) was deployed as special issue containing packets of Soylent Green and Hershey bars. The bars are said to be made of chocolate and dead people, which would provide a soldier with 4000 calories a day, not to mention diseases such as kuru disease and zombie-like behaviour. It has been in continual development since 1993; though the Soylent Green ingredient was taken off the menu due to an incident when a soldier became a zombie and started eating the Iraqis during the First Gulf War of 1991. The number of flavours in the Hershey bar expanded from one in 1981 to two in 2000, when Dark Chocolate was added as a flavour. It is expected to have four flavours by 2012.

In 2009, over 9000 bars have been recalled due to it being contaminated by AIDS. The Hershey bar is planned for an exit strategy in 2015 when by then everyone knew that Hershey chocolates are the worst ever and when everyone had returned from the wars in the Middle East. The HOOAH! Bar has since taken its place as a bar for soldiers, in addition ot it being sold for civilians and cannibals. The rest of the MRHershey's have been given away in disguise as humanitarian aid to Afghans and Iraqis, without knowing that the MRHershey's contain pork products.

Ingredients

The ingredients are kept as a secret by the U.S. military. In 2007, Wikileaks leaked the ingredients list of the MRHershey from the U.S. Army, and it is a very small comprehensive list. The U.S. Army tried to obtain an injunction from the Supreme court, but the injunction was declared as illegal, as the judge said that KFC had its list of secret ingredients leaked and they didn't complain. The ingredients used in the manufacture of Hershey bars are:

  • Soylent Green (taken out of ingredients since 1993)
  • Vegetable oil
  • Chocolate bean
  • Fat (sheep, cow, etc.)
  • Malk
  • Pork

Since 2008, cocoa butter is used, but only for cosmetic purposes of the bar. Vegetable oil was used in a scinetist test in 2005, and was so successful that MRHershey's started having these.

Critiscism

Soldiers have complained about the MRHershey since it was introduced in 1981, with the biggest complaints being that it tastes of shit and AIDS. Some even described it as "porky texture and taste", implying that it is made of pigs. This have caused the MRHershey's to earn nicknames such as "Meals Rejected by Hershey's" and "Three Lies for the Price of One", as it is not a meal, it is not ready, and you can't eat it because it is made of someone's shit.

Competitor HOOAH! Bar (also known as the OOH-RAH! Bar in Canada, as Soldier Fuel in Mexico and as Gay Fuel in Florida and San Francisco) has expressed disgust over the Hershey bar, stating "Hershey is for cannibals. It has Soylent Green and shit". This have prompted many soldiers of the U.S. Army to boycott Hershey, which then caused the bar to have Soylent Green removed from the ingredients despite the HOOAH! Bar not to have its debut until 1996, when they then decided to remove the MRHershey's from the rations list. Sceptics argued that while Hershey's used to have Soylent Green, they removed it from the ingredients list, and that HOOAH! Bar, also known as "Soldier Fuel", is made of rotten food reconstituted, processed, remixed, flavoured and have terrorists' bodies thrown in.

See Also

Spork This page was originally sporked from Meal, Ready-to-Eat.


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