Heroin

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Heroin.
“People think going cold turkey on heroine is bad. Its nothing!”
~ Julius Pringles on Heroine
“The best stuff”
~ Chris Benoit on The good stuff...

Heroine is an orgasmic rush of euphoric transcendant power commonly available street drug, used mostly by Communists and Kurt Corbain. It invigorates the user to a point where they begin demanding name brand products, representation, and money.

History/How to get some

Heroine was created in Soviet Russia, in an effort to make all Soviet women more like Xena. It is a radically strengthened 'Z' chromosome, the chromosome which makes the Grafenberg spot so mythical. In order to acquire this chromosome, the President of Soviet Russia enlisted the help of Colin Mochrie, simply because they thought it was funny. Shockingly, Mochrie returned to Soviet Russia's capital, Steel City, having captured a female through a delightfully entertaining Hoedown, believed to have contained the funniest joke in the world. Luckily, he only used two words, putting the female in a coma. If you live in the U.S and you want to score some heroin just go to Baltimore and have a fun trip to memory lane.

Due to there being no money in Communist countries, heroine is distributed equally amongst the population. Interestingly enough, it is not uncommon for addicts to begin killing people, in an effort to marginally increase their ration of heroine.

Effects on men

The Soviet Russians being Communists, they gave heroine to all their citizens, even the males. Side effects include baldness, liver spots (located almost half a meter above where they should be), a hatred for footwear, and a predilection for sounds that others may find irritating. Only one man was known to have all the symptoms: Nikita Khruschev. Some scholars have argued that Colin Mochrie may have been affected, but his condition predated the creation of heroine, unless some aspiring Uncyclopedian decides to retcon this fact.

Effects on people

Heroin

  • hallucinations of ghosts of hooker girlie dudes
  • diarrhea
  • black stool
  • explosive diarrhea

Known users

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