Hermann Hesse

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Abandon all hope ye who enter here

Herman Hesse, who wrote such well known books as "Siddhartha" and "The Glass Bead Game", would put his paws on your shoulders and lick your face when you met him.

Hermann Hesse (2 July 1877 – 9 August 1962) was an infamous German werewolf and author. He became famous after publishing many books and diaries about real and psychological atrocities he committed as a werewolf (including alcoholism, breaking a mirror, finding illumination on a river, and cold-blooded murder of imaginary girlfriends).

Hesse was born in Wolfenburg, Germany. At a young age he suffered from bipolar disorder. This would soon develop into an unfortunate form of multiple personality disorder, in which his alter-ego would go on a search for fresh hamburgers on moonlit nights. Though he often had to settle for the occasional Big Mac when the dairy farm was well-guarded, often leading to bloody confrontations with animal control. It was on one such fated night when he was seen by a man who would soon found a rock band and name it after the unfortunate soul.

After he once ate the entire inventory of the local McDonalds, he was forced to spend time at a mental institution and was released only after he promised to behave and admitted that he was finally house-trained. After days of roaming the streets and hiding in garbage cans at night, he experienced a revelation upon finding a copy of the latest Twilight novel. He knew there must be more to literature than screaming fangirls and vampires; after all, he knew that mythical creatures couldn't really exist!

In order to combat this assault on literature, he gave up hamburgers and became a bookshop apprentice. He would work as an apprentice during the day. During the night when he would become the dreaded werewolf, no longer could he be found dining on the world's finest grease. Instead he would be in the basement of the bookstore satisfying his thirst for knowledge and culture--and his quest for proof that werewolves really did exist. The answer was always so close.

His fellow citizens soon found out his disgusting habit of reading books at night, so he was expelled from the city in a dramatic scene that inspired many low-budget expressionist German horror films. He found shelter and more books in India, and later in Switzerland, where he wrote about his experiences. His books were usually forbidden as pro-gay and pro-drugs. Hesse later returned to Germany, but was again expelled because of new Nazi race laws: at that time werewolves weren't welcome in the Third Reich. Hesse apparently died in Switzerland... but terrible roaring can still be heard at night...

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