Hereford

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Hereford is a fine and ancient city on the banks of the River Wye. Known nationally as the home of cider, and of reigning European football champions, Hereford United, Hereford is renowned for its splendid architecture. The spacious and elegant estates of Newton Farm and Putson have been compared favourably with Vienna and Prague, whilst the ancient thoroughfare of Widemarsh Street is known as the Champs Elysée of England.

Newton farm

Newton Farm

England’s leading public school, Wyebridge Sports College is located in the city's exclusive South Wye district. The almost as prestigious Aylestone sits regally atop its hill overlooking the cities elegant North Tupsley area. Many of Britain’s finest minds have been educated here, and some of them have even gone on to work in McDonalds or Tesco.

Visitors will be particularly impressed by the prevailing aroma of the chicken sh*t that is transported through the middle of the city in the annual parade that precludes its final destination which is to be generously spread on surrounding fields to ward off evil spirits. This ceremony takes place every year during late August/early September and is blessed by all locals who encounter it during this period. It is thought that this ceremony predates the Romans and that folk have been travelling to the metropolis of Hereford to partake of the pungent aroma for centuries as it is good for those afflicted with sinus problems.

Hereford is also the only city in England which is forbidden by royal decree from ever having a bypass, lest travellers should accidentally pass through without experiencing the splendours of the world-renowned Belmont roundabout. This wonder of the modern world was completed in less than 10 years at a cost of only 150 million pounds, in order to bring the splendours of the George at Asda range of designer costumery to the grateful populous. Those venturing south would ultimately become confused as to whether they were heading towards Ross-On-Wye or Abergavenny. Regardless of travelling east or west, north or south, intrepid travellers would face the life-threatening Asda Roundabout, the busiest and most treacherous road junction in the world, responsible for over 100,000 deaths a year. Many of these deaths are caused by the fact that Herefordians are unable to use roundabouts or filter lanes (i.e. A49 North Edgar street and A49 South Ross Road by Asda). If it rains for more than 1/2 and hour the area around the roundabout is positively Venician. At this time road users should only attempt to navigate this part of the A49 in a land rover fitted with a intake snorkel and high level exhaust.

A recent poll was conducted whereby Herefordshire residents were asked if the Polish immigrants were a problem. 23% of residents said "Yes, it is a serious problem" 7% declined to comment and 70% said "To nie jest powazna kwestia przytcalym"

Herefordshire Council have also introduced brand new signposts for welcoming people to Herefordshire.

  • Hereford's new signpost reads: "Welcome to Herefordski. Twinned with Poland"
  • Ross-on-Wye's new signpost reads: "Welcome to Ross-on-Wye. Twinned with Iraq"
  • Ledbury's new signpost reads: "Welcome to Ledbury. Twinned with Fat Barry's Drug Emporium"
  • Leominster's new signpost reads: "Piss Off"

The new signs have proved a huge success with tourism in Leominster at an all time low - the bypass there offering potential visitors the chance to escape.

Tourism and Culture

Hereford Cathedral is home to the Chained Library, the world’s largest collection of bondage books along with the s**tty state comprehensive, Hereford Cathedral School. It also houses the Mappa Mundi, a plan showing the first proposed route of the Rotherwas relief road. The people of Hereford are renowned for their wit, wisdom and cultural tastes. On any Saturday night at 0100, the elegant ladies of the city are to be seen adorned in their traditional costume of micro skirt and dried vomit, dancing their elegant way across the inner ring road in beautifully choreographed staggering.

The Left Bank is a reasonably-priced eating establishment, where a plate of tapas and a glass of chardonnay can be obtained for under 50 pounds. Real foodies, however, prefer the intimate atmosphere and fine dining available at The Kerry Inn. The world famous breaded chicken emporium conveniently located next to the A&E department narrowly beat the world famous pizza emporium beside Currys to a fifth Michelin star. This was awarded for the loving care and attention that the spotty teenage staff lavish upon their finger licking creations. The nose and body of the delightful range of vintage beverages available is delightful and the hospitality is truly 'erefudian.

Hereford also now has first legal strip club, open to all one night a week (Thursdays apparently, as the ladies have to do the night shift in Morrisons every other night). Conveniently located near the main city cop shop and the (former) Christian faith centre (soon to be the city's second Wetherspoons) it is the perfect location for that corporate event when entertaining to impress out of town businessmen. The bra and g-string performance is reserved only for the private sessions with some main stage performances resembling a catwalk routine for '1978 M&S cotton underwear for the mature larger lady collection' (and featuring the same models). The maypole feature in the centre adds a more traditional rustic and tasteful feel to the venue than shiny chrome poles more commonly found in these establishments. It is rumoured that Peter Stringfellow may be about to launch a multi-million guineas (local farming currency) hostile takeover attempt for the venue such is its success.

So, after a long day, sampling the delights that this famous market town has to offer, why not round the evening off by taking a trip to the exquisitely designed cinema? Situated close to one of the towns more popular (and loud) watering holes, you can watch any recently released film from 2002 (subject to council permission), and choose from any of the high tech screens (oops, screen) to watch said moving picture. The seats here date back to the early 13th century and offer exquisit comfort and legroom to those under 4 foot tall. The surprising added bonus of this experience, is to be able to hear the uplifting beats of the music from the club next door, just as the film reaches its climax. An experience not to be missed.

Lovejoys, or Marilyn's, or Eros, or Time, or Dusk is one of the city's most frequented nightclubs. You can enter a weekly competition to select a new name for the club to be used the following week to confuse local residents. This week, the club is called Barry. The minimum age for entry appears to be fifteen, based on recent research. This research also concluded that the music selected for a Saturday night suited this age group perfectly. "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex was recently voted the club's most requested song.

Another nightspot frequented by the proud denizens of Hereford is the fantastically decorated club known as Manhattan's/Liberty's. On a normal Friday night, it is not unusual by 9 o'clock to find the local alternative crew marching their way up from the Barrels in droves, 'twatted' on Butty Bach and Weston's Vintage, and proceeding to 'blag' their way past the bouncers to overpriced shots of Apple Sourz and pints of Carling. The music of this fine establishment usually changes little over periods of several years, with downstairs currently playing such chart-toppers as Disturbed and Slayer, ensuing in many a badly tattooed girl (and occasional boy) to tear peoples faces to shreds with their hair by swinging it in circles. The males tend to get drunk and vomit, occasionally stretching themselves by playing 'air guitar'. Libertys, upstairs appears to play just one song on repeat, and so forth attracts the middle-aged population looking to forget the fact they live and work in a town that smells of cattle crap. The night usually ends with a girl outside who cries and can barely stand due to the severe stress of a night out. Several police vans wait for a fight to break out, which rarely occurs but gives the young, fit and overworked West Mercia Police Force something to do at night. The club has seen some top DJs in the past 5 years, and after replacing the wooden benches with couches, may even attract top acts such as local heroes Greenday and U.S. tour veterans Red Hot Billie Pipers within its high-class interior.

For an alternative cultural experience the delights of the ultra-cosmopolitan Courtyard Theatre [1] are not to be missed. The glass edifice can be found next to the A49 car park and its many windows provide excellent weekend grenade throwing practice for all the local SAS wanabees when not boarded up. The theatre provides reasonable parking for up to twenty customers attending its wide range of thought-provoking productions brought direct from the West End, e.g. Dick Wittington (a local icon from the nearby village of Sollers Hope) and Puss in Boots. Be warned that failure to position your car exactly within the white lines will attract a fine of £80. The money collected from this will be put towards a good cause - the purchase of a second walkman speaker for the 'cinema' to bring the full stereo cinema experience to the residents of Hereford and eliminate the need for subtitles on the silent movies currently screened.

The local council takes the stewardship of Hereford's history and the future of the area very seriously. The recently discovered four thousand year old Rotherwas Ribbon [2] will be preserved under a road to the city's industrial hub [www.southwye.org.uk/news_article.php?news_id=38] for future generations to rediscover. It was felt that city's delicate infrastructure and economic balance would not cope with the thousands of tourists that would flock to Hereford to view what some have claimed is the most 2nd most significant piece of archaeology in the UK after Stonehenge. Thankfully, the 2 white transits a day that service the industrial hub are not thought to pose any risk to the structure of the ribbon beneath due to their light payload. Concerns have been raised about the risk posed by increased traffic, however the council have stated that this risk is low given their preference that the majority of the Rotherwas industrial estate remains a deserted wasteland. If other methods to successfully deter prospective investors fail, hefty toll charges will be levied on the road to encourage the extra traffic back into the more congested areas of town and away from the site.

Visitors to Hereford should not be concerned that they have crossed the border to another country when entering the city. You are still in Wales, sorry England. If the visitor wants to ask a genuine 'erefudian for directions it is advisable to pick someone over the age of 40. You will however stand a better chance of being understood and finding where you want to go (unless it is the local bookies, pub, dealer, job centre) if you ask one of the younger Polish/Latvian/Portuguese residents.

In the interests of supporting British Agriculture, Hereford will be the first city in the UK to fly in the face of anti-agricultural labour party policy and install dedicated lanes for tractors, Land Rovers (Defenders only) and lorries carrying apples, potatoes and livestock. This will leave the other lane free for the city dwellers to sit in traffic jams and imagine themselves commuting through larger urban conurbations helping to dispell their feelings of inferiority created by a fear of living in the margins of civilisation.

Victoria bridge Hereford

The world famous Victoria bridge to nowhere in Hereford. One of the towns most puzzling tourist attractions and narrowly missed selection for the recently awarded 8th wonder of the world

Visitors should avoid trips to Hereford during the rainy season, especially the area around the swimming pool. Depending on Anglo-Welsh relations at the time, Hereford may be rapidly sunk by a vast tsunami of water released from hills across the border. To confuse the locals and lure the unassuming in a false sense of security the water is usually released 2-3 days after the rain. Warnings can be obtained by ringing a mysterious troll-like creature living under the Old Wye Bridge (Hereford - 272 683), the recorded message is priceless!). If he is gargling at the time, flee for your life to higher ground. Apparently he performs a mouthwash rinse with a flaggon of local perry from the nearby Saracens Head between 21.00 and 21.30 before retiring for the evening, which might result in a false alarm. Many younger residents have been caught out by this. A fleet of novas, micras and fiestas, looking like they just ram-raided the local Halfords whilst covered in pritt-stick, can often be seen racing at high speed for the safety of high ground above the city around this time. Upon reaching the high ground, acts to ensure the survival of the species are performed, often followed by a relaxing smoke and a can or ten of local scrumpy while the perceived threat of flooding passes.

History

Putson

Putson seen from the city

After a long and proud history of independence, the county of Herefordshire was occupied by forces from Worcestershire in 1974. During the occupation, Herefordians were forbidden to use their native tongue, known as ‘Erefudian, and instead had to adopt the sub-Birmingham nasally drone of the occupying forces. Brave Herefordians repeatedly committed acts of resistance such as erecting signs for Herefordshire along the ancient boundaries, only to have them torn down by the enemy. They also bravely continued to consume vast quantities of local cider to show their defiance. Many were publicly executed by the Worcester government, and an unfortunate few were subjected to the cruel and inhumane torture of being taken to the Gay Meadow in Shrewsbury and forced to watch the local version of aerial ping-pong which took place there on Saturdays.

Hereford regained it’s independence in 1998, although all the jobs and government money went to Worcester, not that Herefordians are bitter about this, no siree.

Politics

Hereford is ruled by the Monster Raving Looney Party, whose leader, the mysterious Parkabull, lives in a north London squat with a number of rock stars. Although he is never seen in the city, Parkabull issues daily edicts on all issues from religion to season ticket sales. These are delivered through his personal website. The democratic process in the city consists of citizens rising to his bait until they go quietly mad.

The Edgar Street Grid scheme is a splendid project to re-develop the northern part of the city whilst simultaneously transferring large amounts of public and taxpayers cash into the pockets of mysterious private ‘investors’. It will certainly be a tremendous surprise if it later transpires that any corruption took place.

The proposed development of 'Holmerville' satellite town development north of the Roman Road will rejuvenate a pleasant greenfield site outside the city boundary. Its proximity to many lethal road junctions and remoteness from any social infrastructure and employment opportunities make the choice of site second to none. In a county experiencing net exodus of anyone under the age of 50 to find rewarding employment, more executive homes is just what is needed. It will be truly amazing if someone eventually cops on that attraction of big-business (other than more flipping retail chains) to Hereford might just be needed to avoid the area becoming the retirement and unemployment capital of the West Midlands.

Herefordian politics will be centre stage in the next parliament with the county set to return the first member of the Platforma Obywatelska (polish centre right) to the UK parliament. The new MP is expected to support the tories on matters of proposed new legislation: e.g.'abolishment of the hunting ban', 'outlawing membership of the labour party', 'extradition of selected members of the labour party to Iraq'. In return the tories will support the polish private members bill for the establishment of the 'Independant Republiski of 'ereforski' on the grounds that the local vote was historically useless to them anyway (as it was wasted on the lib dems) and the majority of the english populous has no idea where the hell hereford is anyway (thank God).

The creation of the Independent state will be welcomed by the native populous due to the creation of a Fair Trade scheme for local farmers and the imposition of export tariffs on the much sought after agricultural-ish products leaving the county (e.g. Tyrells Crisps, Westons, Bulmers, Stongbow, Cirrus, Sun Valley chicken, S&A strawberries to name but a few!). The tariffs will fund a top rate civic system of health and crime prevention. Income tax will be reduced to 10% and capital gains, VAT, stamp duty and council tax abolished.

To reduce 'drug miles' all the local drug addicts will be relocated to Worcester also slashing benefit, health and policing costs. Immigration to the county will be controlled by an Aussie style points system with minimum score of 1,000 required for entry. Relocation from a London, Brummie, Mancunian or Scouse post codes (or residence there within the last 10 years) will increase the points requirement to 1,000,000. Business relocating to hereford will attract the required 1,000 points for each of up to 5 directors (depending on size). The new state flag will more than likely contain a bull or an apple - maybe a bull eating an apple flanked by a couple of blond, slim, fit, leggie, 6ft polish maidens carrying baskets of strawberries.

Air Quality

Hereford is unique among UK cities to experience environmental aromatherapy. The aroma choice tends to vary upon the prevailing winds. The most common westerly winds will provide the typical herefordian with an aroma of tandoori chicken from the local poultry factory known as Scum Valley. Scum Valley is owned by Bill 'bell-end' Gates and attracts a plethora of nationalities - Polish - to come and work for them. This is because the good citizens of Hereford are too busy picking their nose, scratching their ass and wondering what worthless delight the local Council will bethrow upon them next.

A brisk cold northeasterly wind sees the pungent......sorry, wonderful aroma of squashed rancid apples across the city. This is particularly pleasant to all the sophisticated gentlemen who enjoy the odd tipple of the local ale - Strongbow (known locally as 'Gnats Piss'). These men can be found in the local nightclub, Barry, dribbling at the mouth and mumbling incoherantly at the microskirted girls.

Wednesday is a particularly enjoyable day in Hereford. Known as "Cattle Crap" day, this is strangely similar to saturday nights in Barry except the local cattle enjoy a crap in their pens rather than piss in doorways. The cattle market involves lots of people with funny hats and large green shoes shouting "oooh arrrrrrr" at passers by. The sheep and cows can also often be heard attempting to shout "oooh arrrrrr" from the back of their stretch Limo's but have not yet mastered the highly awkward 'Erefudian' accent.

Upon arrival at the plush market, the animals are taken into a fashion show and paraded around a Crapwalk conducted by a ring master shouting abuse in a language known only to the green shoe people with silly hats. The animals are then encouraged to take a dump in the crapwalk and the sweet aroma is pumped out to circumnavigate the whole city to the delight of locals. The aroma has also been endorsed by top doctors as a cure for Herpes. Unfortunately other STD's are not cured by the aroma and their incidence is rife among the city's population of slappers.

Sport

Hereford is home to reigning European Champions Hereford United, who play at the 60,000 seater San Cowshedio stadium. Premier League champions for the last 3 years, United and their manager, Graham Turnip, are currently the subject of criticism from some supporters for their revolutionary plan to field only 7 players in games next season. Turnip has recently lashed out at these supporters, and it is widely anticipated that Ronaldinho will be unveiled as the club’s newest signing very shortly. Said Turnip, “Ronaldinho will bring the playing staff to 8, thus undermining the boo boys completely”.

David Beckham, who owns a villa in Bullinghope, has been constantly linked with a move to the Bulls, and Beckhams wife, Victoria, was recently seen shopping for jewellery in the cities’ upscale boutique, Primark. However, it is thought the Bulls would have trouble matching his current salary of 3 squillion pounds a year without a massive increase in sponsorship from local websites, which has been ruled out by Mr. Turnip. In a shock recent development however, the Bulls News website has offered 8 million pounds to fund Mr. Beckham's tracksuits, and a deal may now be on the cards. In the past, Hereford United have been sponsored by chicken and turkey behemoth Sun Valley [3], although there are rumours that the 2010-2011 season will be sponsored by local firm Telekomunikacja Polska.

Herefordshire is also known for its famous darts player Terry 'The Bull' Jenkins. He throws arrows at a board whilst fat drunks and cheap slags with spare tyre waists watch and pour cheap lager down their throats. Andy Round, who owns a shop near The Starting Gate, was once on Bullseye, and so completes Hereford's lavish darts heritage.

It has just been announced that Hereford will get a rugby pitch for the first time in its history to celebrate England somehow making it to the world cup final thanks to the ability of one man to kick the ball in the right direction. Sensibly situated in the Hampton Dene area it is sure to be flooded for most of the rugby season, and even the cricket season if Summer 07 was anything to go by. Shame no herefordians are likely to play as the closest to sport most of the populus gets is the big (12 inch) screen in The Monument.

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