From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“"Are you serious? Ha! And I thought my job was easy before...”
“ Come on, its so obvious. Hemo even sounds like homo. Its obviously a ploy for gay rights. Well, they're not gettin' em, hehehe"”
Hemophilia is a disease primarily found in the Russian and British Royal Families. It hass currently been diagnosed to 1,123,581,321 people in the last hundred years. It affects the blood and through it the brain and muscles. The disease is mostly isolated in Siberia and the off-coast island of Madagascar. Several years ago a cure was found by Dr. Mick Daire. In recent years, the cure was found to have a late blooming side-effect.
This disease can be easily detected by several methods. First, cut off the patients arm, if they do not stop bleeding profusely, they have hemophilia. If they convulse and die, you probably cut too deep and should contact your lawyers. Other symptoms may include death on heavy contact with walls, severe bleeding, bruising at light touches, or being a Ginger. Other less well known symptoms include dementia and insanity. Many times, though hemophilia is not caught in time to prevent death. Aversion to sunlight is also normal as it can cause the victim to burn into ashes, as well as reveal their horribly dry skin. The cases of ginger hemophilia are defined by the victims intense addictions and lack of brain function. Since the disease affect the ability of the blood to clot, so they never stop bleeding, that means that hemos never get scabs, which should be a normal part of life thus further instilling a sense of separation.
Needless to say, since they can't risk skinned knees, most of them never learne to ride a bike, so they can't enter the tour d' france, win, which somehow cures their uncurable disease like Lance Armstrong. Many, many times have people said that they don't believe that hemophilia is a real disease. Many claim that,
- "It's just a buncha queers trying to make up an e'cuse for being gay.(In a girly voice) Ooh, i'm a hemo so i have to be homo, 'cause i can't fuck a girl, 'cause her kids'll have hemophilia, and i don't want to do that to her(end girly voice). Screw that, real men wouldn't care."
As stated by a resident of Texas. Other are also of the opinion that hemophilia is simply an excuse for gays to be gay. Another well known symptom of hemophilia is excessive use of wikipedia, as a result of their extreme isolation from the outside world.
I LOVE TO FUCK A WHITE WOMAN
edit Ginger Hemophilia
While many people contest the idea that gingers in the family can bring out hemophilia, PLEASE understand that gingers can bring out some of the worst genetic disease in families, like: nymphomania, dementia, retardation, and bitchiness. When hemophilia is present in a ginger...sometime euthanasia is the better option. Ginger hemophilia is simply the worst grade of hemophilia anyone can be subject to. Every aspect of hemophilia is brought out to the maximum extent that it can in a victim. Skin can become dry and easily susceptible to rash. Blood clotting is simply nonexistant and blood transfusion won't help either. Emotional control is almost zero, suicide is quite high in this grade, as well as the amount of bitching done.
Twenty-seven percent of the ginger hemophiliacs born are aborted in the mothers womb, because another seventeen die just from the birthing itself. Out of the fifty-six that survive birth, only seven percent make it to adulthood. The other forty-nine usually succumb to their lack of judgement and intensively addictive and reckless personalities. Ten percent usually die from their exagerrated defects of hemophilia, due to some retarded action. Another ten percent die from suicide, and the remaining twenty-nine percent die as a result of their intense addictions. Of the seven percent that usually reach adulthood none ever reach age thirty. There has been only one case where a ginger has been a hemophiliac, retarded, a nymphomaniac, a lesbian, a bitch, a drugee, and an emo. The subject has requested privacyand has been admitted several times to a secret facility used for hemophilia research.
edit Famous Cases
Several cases of hemophilia are quite well known in the world. Two were the above mentioned royal families of Britain and Russia. There are many other cases of hemophilia, but no one really gives damn about them. Unless your famous no one cres, and when you have to be so protected, its hard to become famous. In all seriousness, what do royals do beside sit around, with their most dangerous task being that of the pointy crown poking them or something.
edit Queen Victoria
Both royal families inherited the hemophilia from their skanky grandmother Queen Victoria of England. She married her cousin Al and had nine kids. Al was from southern england. Al died before she did, and for the rest of her life, she would only wear black. She is said to have reigned England during its golden period. After her husbands death she shut herself off from everyone in the world except her children and a scottish man named John Brown. Wonder what they did when the kids wern't around, you know what I mean. Anyway, Vicky passed the disease to two of her daughters, Alice and Beatrice.
During Alice's akward teen years, she changed her name to Alexandra, converted to Catholic Orthodox and married a Russian Prince. Alice had another daughter named(continuing the streak of British creativity) Alice, who also carried the disease. Some of the other British children also carried the hemophilia gene in them, so the original British family still had some hemophiliacs in it by 1906. However, they don't have a problem with this disease anymore. All the members of the family that were suspected of having hemophilia "disappeared" around 1910. However, Madagascar noted an increase in ugly tea sellers who spoke with accents that made their speech unintelligible. In 1911 however an event called Οι άνθρωποι πιστεύουν or in english, "The Great Limey Purge".
Coincedentally, whereas the royal family's last name used to be Hanover, in 1910 it became Windsor. Yeah, that's right, the British Royal Family's last name is Windsor, you got a problem with it, go gulp down a bottle of vodka and beat your wife about it, you lazy irish bastard. In a 2007 february interview, Queen Elizabeth II stated,
- "The name change in 1910 had nothing whatsoever to do with the hemophilia incident."
To which the reporter replied,
- "I asked if the name change had anything to do with Hanover being a German name and Britain fighting the Germans in 1910. What hemophilia incident?"
To which the Queen replied,
- " Shit."
The spokesperson for the British Family, Daniel Radcliffe, denied the inceident in its entirety, say that it sounded as if some 14 year old made it up.
edit The RomanovsMany of the children of Queen Victoria ended up marrying into other royal families and spread the disease to the Russians (unofficial reason for Russia joining Germany in World War Two)through Victoria's grandaughter, Alice, now Alendra's marriage to Nicholas II of Russia who was her second cousin. Since Alexandra was a carrier, it was little surprise but much sorrow when her only son, the heir to the Russian monarchy, was born a hemophiliac. And not just a hemophiliac, but a ginger hemophiliac. And again displaying British ingenuity, Alexandra named her youngest and only son Alexei. It is now widely known that the Royal Romanov Princes of Russia were "horny lil' devils" as stated by Professor Dumble-Dork.
Thus leading to an epidemic of hemophilia i all of Russia. Eventually, a wise man named Vladimir Lenin finally stood up against the tyranny and began the Russian Revolution. He made a series of speecehes collectively titled "No Hemo", eventually swaying the majority of the Russian population to his side. First the source of the problem, the Romanov Royal family, was executed in a brothel (according to their wishes) and all russians infected were sent off to die in siberia. This, however led to the rise of communism in Eastern Europe. Many of the siberian hemophiliac outcast however banded together and killed most of the native inhabitants of the most "inhabitable areas", trying to live the rest of the lives happily and away from any objects that could kill them, i.e. anything hard or sharp. This led to a rise in mud-based architecture and utensils.
Since the discovery of hemophilia in 1828 only one cure has ever been put. It might have been two if Einstien hadn't given up halfway so that he could go work on the atom bomb. Anyway the cure was patented by a Dr. Mick Daire, who was later murdered by skinheads for his trying to present to the cures for syphilis, HIV, prejudice and racism all at once. None of the cures' research or clues as to what the cures could have been exist to this day. Dr. Mick Daire presented a Secret Formula to the scientific community in 1979. He called it Mick's StaightMaker. Under every test the subject lost all traces of hemophilia. Daire made millions. Hemophiliacs everywhere rejoiced and began taking the medicine. This also meant that hemos could start having sex with women again since they could no longer padss it on anymore.
- "It truly is a beautiful scene whenever a hemo learns he can live a normal life with the woman he loves"-Rick Flair
In 1998, however it was found that the miracle medicine had a late blooming side-effect. It caused severe brain hemorrhaging. Some of the hemos banded together and filed a lawsuit against Daire, taking every penny he had. Most however kept taking the medicine, dismissing the side-effect as depressing. Since StraightMaker, no other cure has ever been put forward, especially due to the spread of distrust in hemos of non-hemos, some even going so far as to claim that the side=effect intentional. THese claims were ignored because no one cared enough to pay much attention. While during the late ninties and early 2000s hemophilia had abated somewhat in the public eye, there has been a recent rise in attention the the plight of the victims of the horrible and usually fatal disease. In march of 2003, 30,000 hemos (roughly half the U.S. hemo population) petitioned President Bush to invest money into research for a possible cure that didn't lead to agonizing death in some other way. Bush vetoed the potential bill, saying,
- "You know that it was just some gimmick to raise support for gay rights, and you know i'm not going with that, yessiree, hehehe.
So the bill wasn't passed and the hemos went to the complaint line for the Bush Administration but found out that the line was too long. They were sent back home with the promise that they would be called when the line was under 600 complaints. No oppurtunity has yet come and 25,732 of the petitioners are already dead. As one of the hemos said, "there was no way that line is ever gonna get under 600 complaints, even after he's not president any more."