Hello there! I'm a kite, and I will ruin your day!
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Boy oh boy, do I like flying in the air! Boy oh boy I do! It's such a nice day outside! Why not take a little time off of work for a relaxing drive to the park with your little toddler? It's only a 30 minute drive! Oh what fun we will have!
Don't forget to pack some things before you go!
There's a few things you'll probably need before you head on out to the park. Don't worry! It will only take a few minutes to gather what you need! Then it will be high time for fun in the sky! Don't forget to bring the following items:
- Me! The kite!
- Juice! And lots of it! Your little one's growing fast, just bring gallons of the stuff!
- Buzz Lightyear and Woody action figures!
- My best friend, the fishing pole!
- My best friend's best friend, the tackle box!
- A first aid kit! Why? Oh no matter, it's just important to be safe. If you don't want it, that's okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Lastly, don't forget to bring a SMILE! This is your time off! Your family time! Enjoy the blissful fun of the outdoors!
Now you're ready for some fun!
First, we drive to the park!
Drive! Drive! Drive! Are we having fun yet? No? Just you wait until we get to the park! Uh-oh! Looks like we hit some traffic! Some silly man crashed his car on the freeway because he was looking at another car accident down on main street! Isn't life just backwards like that? Oh well, chin up friend! Let's put this in perspective: You have that MammaMia CD that you've listened to a thousand times before, you know, the one you just LOVE that you listen to all the time with your wife because you insist? Well, guess what? Now you can use that CD to help pacify your toddler, who I have to say is getting increasingly anxious.
Hopefully we can get through this traffic soon, or else you'll have to bribe the little one with some McDonalds to keep him happy! That wouldn't be good at all, would it?
What's that you say? Ooops! Did I say that out loud? And now he's crying and begging for McDonalds? Whoops! I'm sorry about that! I'm just a humble kite! I don't always know what's coming out of my mouth! I just try to be happy all the time! Happy happy happy! After all, it's the journey that's important, not the destination!
Okay...Now we just need to wait to get there...
Just a little bit.
A little bit longer...
Okay! We're here!
Aren't you glad we're going to the park? This is going to be a whole lot of fun, isn't it?
Now, it's time to take your screaming toddler out of the car seat! I bet you just can't wait to fly me, can you? Okay, let's go find a nice open spot where there's some wind!
Boy! It sure is warm out here!
Did you bring your toddler's juice? What's that? You left it in the car? Well, you better go get it, your little one's starting to look hot and cranky. Also, don't forget to grab Buzz and Woody! If you had to go back to your car a third time, well, that would be just evil of me.
Okay! we have our refreshments and we have a nice, clear, open spot to fly. It's time to take me out of the packaging! Any chance you brought some scissors? I know that wasn't on my list, but I am just a kite, you know. I didn't know it would be this difficult to open my packaging! Perhaps you aren't trying hard enough?
Here! Try that sharp rock over there! Who knew it'd be so hard to open a little plastic?
--45 MINUTES ELAPSE--
Hurray! I'm free
From that wretched prison...I knew I could count on you! Now the REAL fun begins!
It's a good thing there was that guy there to help you out! He brought scissors. He sure was prepared! Imagine all the things that you could learn from a guy like that!
Hey, where's junior?
Oh gee! It looks like you were so busy trying to open my packaging that your little one has wandered off somewhere all on his own. What a pity! Well, now's not the time to panic, I'll help you find him!
Golly jollies! Don't you just love this sun?
Hey there he is! He's up on that tree branch over there! Oh look! He's pretending to be a spaceman! How sweet! Looks like he's just about to jump...
Oh. Oh good. You caught him just in the nick of time. I'm really happy for you. No, I am SUPER GLAD that you caught him. I wouldn't want anything else to happen. Why would I? I'm just a kite. A happy-go-lucky, always smiling, never angry, never sad kite. Good for you that you caught him. It would have been TERRIBLE if you didn't.
So, do you want to fly me or what?
Yes? I thought you'd say that. Okay, just unwind my little string here...a little more, a little more. Hey, don't forget to have your wee one fly me! That's the best part! No, just take Buzz away for a minute, he won't mind. He's starting to cry? Well, he won't when he gets to hold me! Hand me over to him! Do it! Just do it!
What's that you say? He doesn't want to? Let me ask you something here. Who is the parent and who is THE FUCKING CHILD HERE? MY FUCKING GOD!
I'm sorry for that little outburst. Oh look, junior is crying. I know the reason for that. You didn't give me to him. I mean, I know you're mad about me cursing and everything, but I mean c'mon man! Your kid can play with those stupid toys any day, any time of the week! I'm a
fucking freaking kite for crying out loud! It's for his own good to play with me!
Hey, don't go home! Don't go! You don't need to go! Okay, you win. Your kid doesn't have to play with me if he doesn't want to, agreed? Okay.
But YOU still want to play with me, right?
Well, all you have to do is unravel me, tug on my string a little, and wait for some wind.
Well, well well...
Whadya know? No wind? Isn't that funny? Wind is such a fickle thing. One moment, it's here, and the next, it's gone. Then again, it's been hot most of today. Maybe you should have had better judgment in your choice of kite-flying days? Maybe you should have realized there was no wind before this?
Don't you think that would have been a good idea?
That's okay though! We can fix this!
You did bring your electric hand fan, right? Hey, don't second-guess me man, of course it was on my list! How else would you expect to fly me?
Okay, so here's what you do: Go back through the trees, through the traffic, back to a store like Walmart, where you will purchase an electric hand-held fan. Also, get more juice and some diapers because you're out and your toddler pooped himself. After that, drive back through traffic, back to this very spot, and THEN we can fly.
Why would you do all this? Because you've already made up your mind that you are going to fly me, that's why. You won't leave until you've had a good day, and until you do, I will just stay here, mocking you. Well, cowboy? You going to try to rebel, or are you going to go to the store like a good little boy?
--AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER--
Welcome back, bitch!
Ha! I can't believe you actually followed all of my instructions, down to a T! You really are a bitch, aren't you? Alright then, since you have an extension cord going from your car to this tiny electric fan, and since you are so desperate to do at least a little kite flying, I'll humor you. But first-Isn't that your little one climbing that jagged fence over there?
Just kidding! HAHAHA!
Oh man, are you gullible! Okay, okay bitch. Just unravel my string already.
Uh-oh! Looks like you pulled a charlie brown! How are you ever going to get me out of this tree? Man, you just can't do anything right, can you? Not that it matters, because there's a storm coming. Looks like all you can do is just take me down, put me away for the rainy day, and pray for the chance that you'll actually be able to fly me another day!
Hey Wait, Where are You Going?
Hey? Don't leave me up here? Please? Hey man, I didn't mean all that stuff, and I really DID care about your toddler almost getting hurt! Don't LEAVE ME HERE! I'M SCARED OF THE STORMS! NOOOOOOOOO!