Hello Kitty was the main export of South China during the third and fourth centuries CE. Limited edition models were created to trade to Northern Chinese millet farmers so they could hang special posters and such up in their yurts. This was wildly successful and eventually the Southern Chinese craftsmen were able to found the modern nation of Tibet. In later years Hell o' Kitty became a propaganda device utilized by the central intelligence division of the Japanese government, S.A.N.R.I.O. (Sacled Ancestol Nihonjin Rove Itarian Octopus) made entirely out of pureed cat corpses and Play-Doh. This is the most common use of Hello Kitty today.
Since Hello Kitty first appeared, she has been used in numerous propaganda campaigns of the Japanese government.
Background: In 1939 a man in the crowded Ginza district of Tokyo was openly admonished by a woman in a loud voice that the man "raped her brutishly", when she had in actuality desired to be raped more gently, and wanted more dramatic buildup before he began. Not surprisingly, the man committed suicide out of shame two days later, prompting the Japanese government to implement Hello Kitty for the first time. Hello Kitty, with her lack of mouth, demonstrated in a series of posters and women's magazine advertisements the virtue of "bitches shutting the fuck up". She thinks all of u are SEXY!!! ☺
Attempt: Ease the hunger pangs of a starving wartime Japanese population
Background: During WWII the mouthless aspect of Hello Kitty was emphasized once again, this time to represent the empirical Japanese ideal of not eating food, and rather putting money toward the production of a gigantic robot to be piloted by a pre-pubescent boy to annihilate the Allies.
Result: Failure. People were still hungry. The finished product of the giant robot didn't look cool enough and thus was scrapped.
Attempt: Make women temporarily uninterested in sex with men
Background: In the American Occupation era, Japan was visited by throngs of horny white men who wanted nothing more than a little sushi action. In order to preserve Japanese Purity, the Hello Kitty Vibrator was developed by the Japanese government in hopes of satiating the carnal desires of their women.
Result: Failure. Most Japanese women opted for doubling their pleasure by using the Hello Kitty Vibrator anally while getting banged the baby-makin' way by MacArthur and friends.
Background: In the Bubble Era of the 1980's, a Japanese man invented bukkake, which soon became rampant across the nation. Soon even top government officials were not able to obtain a bukkake virgin for a wife, and thus Hello Kitty was deployed once again. This time heavy propaganda campaigns were carried out by putting up testosterone-crushing Hello Kitty posters in public men's bathrooms, and offering snappily adorable Hello Kitty goods complimentary at horse racing tracks, and other bastions of male leisure.
Result: Success? Androgyny UP! But birthrate DOWN!
Attempt: Get mad money to fund capture of U.S. military bases (theory)
Background: In the present day, Hello Kitty products are a worldwide hit and their
pure and undeniable cuteness alone is enough to brainwash the Japanese and Americans and push absolutely inane products featuring her
likeness. Proceeds are believed to be going towards the creation of a series of gigantic bio-mechanical robots, each holding the souls of past Japanese emperors to take over the world. Soon American base are helpless like baby.
The Impact of Hello Kitty on Chinese Cultural Tradition, Xu Quan Long, 1996
Fun Cat Make Money. History of Glorious Cultural Cat Hello Kitty, Xiao Yan (Emperor Wu of Liang), 474CE
Billions and Billions of Plush Toys-- Trying to monopolise the toy world, Carl Sagan, 1990
History of the Warfare between Science and Hello Kitty and how the Kitty is winning, E. B. White, 1942
The Wrath of Hello Kitty, Masters & Johnson, 1969
I Have No Mouth & I Must Be Cute -- A Full Autobiography of my Fuhrer, Hello Kitty, 1989
Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Dominato Hellokittica, Sir Isaac Newton, 1677
The Complete Idiot's Guide to -- HELLO KITTY -- A Guide To Summoning The Purest Since Cthulhu , John Steinbeck, 1946
Hello Kitty for Dummies -- Ada Miasa
Why you are extremely fucked up.(Oh yeah, cause you like Hello Kitty). -- Ima F. Fuckup, 1802