Hell

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One of the many sights you see when you go to Hell.

“I went in and they asked me if I had any reservations. I said "Yes, with the decor, the service and probably the food as well. But I still want to dine here!"”

~ Leonidas of the Spartans on Hell

“It's a nice place to visit, but living there could be hell.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hell

Hell is a holiday resort in the core of the Earth. Famed for its brilliant food, large share of the package holiday market, and its rivers of magma, it is the choice of retirement location for over 6.9X10^10 heretics dead people retirees, as well as a temporary location for nearly 5000.

Diversification

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hell.

In the 1990s, Hell's fortunes declined as competitors copied its concepts and holidaymakers demanded more sophisticated offerings. Satan hired a famous PR firm to help restore public opinion, but the effort was largely unsuccessful. Satan then pulled Walt Disney away from his poolside cabana and comissioned him to completely redesign Hell.

Disney aimed to change Hell "from a holiday village resort to a services company". Hell took over a chain of French gyms, launched bar/restaurant complexes, opened Club Hell in Las Vegas and Montreal and commenced a budget resort concept aimed at young adults, Extreme Hell with its first resort in Los Angeles. Thirteen additional budget resorts were planned for the new century.

Relaunch

The change in strategy was not successful and Hell fell deeply into loss in the the late nineties. In 2000 a new CEO, George Bush, was appointed. A new strategy was announced, returning to a focus on the traditional values that had made Hell so popular in the first place. Club Hell was closed in Las Vegas; though it would be reopened in 2000. Satan announced widespread layoffs and cancelled all corporate expense accounts. From 2001 on, the resort company worked to rebrand itself as upscale and family-oriented. Hell returned to profit in 2005.

In 2006 and 2007, Hell and its partners dedicated a total of $530 million to renovate and revamp the group’s portfolio of offerings. Fiscal year 2006 saw Hell close several sub-levels with the savings reinvested in newer, more promising ventures. The strategy has already paid off for Hell and in 2007 three new "themed" levels of Hell were opened.

In 2008 Hell launched a new advertising campaign “Go To Hell.” More than 25 million euros were invested to roll out this new creative concept in 24 countries worldwide. Marketing experts herald this as the most innovative advertising campaign ever devised.

Expansion

Did you know...

that in addition to the existing nine levels of hell, a new tenth level is currently under construction in Hell in preparation for when Fred Phelps arrives there?

In 2001, Satan decided that to reach the full market potential Hell would have to expand. Several more Extreme Hell resorts were opened in London, Seattle and New Jersey as well as two new Club Hells in New York and Mexico City. Satan has promised that by the end of 2012 there will be a Hell of some form in every continent. With this aggressive new strategy Hell's stock market value has risen exponentially making many catholic priests very, very rich.

The target clientele has also evolved. Originally attracting mainly singles and young couples, Hell has become primarily a destination for families. Long gone are the days when Hell was exclusively for the wealthy and powerful. These days it's almost impossible to walk through Hell without tripping over children or being accosted by lonely soccer moms. Several critics have expressed a longing for the "glory days" when Hell was a place to smoke cigars and drink fine scotch (activities that were banned in 2003 in an effort to make Hell more "family friendly") and predict that unless action is taken, Hell will collapse into itself when the "family values" trend ends.

Geography

Here are the various districts contained in Hell.

The beautiful riverside of Acheron

• Limbo (skittles river in heaven), by the beautiful river Acheron, easy to lose track of time here, notorious for its insect problems.
• Sin City (virtue's acropolis in heaven), the capital of hell, notable individuals are Satan, Santa Claus, Hitler, and AC/DC's Brian Young, though nobody quite has figured out how he got there.
• Lust Lane (chastity canyon in heaven), the red light district. Enough said. (well perhaps it is one of the best places here in the very least, as you can have eternal sex with he/she you think is the grossest being in the universe.)
• Gluttony Grove (temperance tower in heaven), restaurant capital of the region, many places to eat, but famed for its terrible stormy weather, and its corpulent population bestowed with bodies over 230 pounds heavy.
• Avarice Avenue (charity canyon in heaven), a particularly rich district, good public transport on massive bags of money eternally pushed by residents.
• Wrath Wellspring (peace plains in heaven), a dangerous place, constant violence, although good entertainment to be had betting on fighters.
• Sloth Stateside (diligence dale in heaven), an empty room where all you can do is look at its, well, emptiness, just like as you have been lazy in your lifetime on earth.
• Pride Park (humility harbor in heaven), it's a lovely park with flowers blooming to their best, but when you look closer, you see that everyone relives their most humiliating experiences over and over. Oh, and everyone is naked here.
• Envy's Esquinita (kindness kame in heaven)- it's the smallest street in Hell (hence the name), and famous for its claustrophobic citizens who are, well, jealous of everyone else because they all have something they don't which is, obviously, personal space.
• Styx (garden of eden in heaven), large marsh containing endangered species such as Medusa and harpies.
• Heretic Sports Complex (olympus coliseum in heaven), containing the worlds only boiling blood swimming pool, with burning sand beach, see famous serial killers such as Harold Shipman, Jack the Ripper, and Jigsaw. Be careful not to get lost in the seemingly endless forest for emo kids. And for the health conscious an inescapable treadmill in a gym filled with perverts.
• Fraudland (wonderland in heaven), a world renowned zoo. Watch seducers being whipped to walk! See the Flatterers being buried in excrement! See magicians perform the 'head twisting' trick! Wow, and your experience would not be complete without the corrupt politicians lake of hot tar!
• Lake Cocytus (seemingly opposed to a similarly named place)- really. It is only one place in both heaven and hell. It is a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round. It is also a mysterious portal between heaven and hell, so that heaven's citizens can check out hell at least- also to make the citizens in hell suffer as they realize that they will never be with the person, as all people in heaven are gorgeous despite the fact that majority of them looked repulsive back in the days. The annual heaven v.s. hell hockey and ice skating games are also held here.

Administrative problems

“Leave people to it and they will create their own little hell”

~ Eric the Demonologist on Hell

Hell has a few administrative problems...

• Those pushing the bags of money in Avarice must read Health & Safety guidelines every day.
• Each evening, all inhabitants must fill out forms to review their torture leisure.
• Everything in hell is constantly internally auditted.
• The internet booking system is a load of shite.
• You still can't get through to BT.
• Women end up in charge sadomaschoism dominating the men.

Issues you may encounter in hell as a...

Aspie: Everyone will think you are rainman and speak to you in a slow patronising monotone. Everybody donates half their savings to autism speaks, and small specific interests about useless information are banned.

American: Everyone constantly thinks you are an idiot. Every other week your gay Americans are forced to live in Harlem and your straight Americans are forced to live in San Fransisco, the other weeks you are all living in Europe where there is NO ICE IN YOUR DRINKS!!! You are also forced to eat British food (Ech!). You must also watch snakes on a plane over and over and over. There are also no forks, spoons, or knives in Hell, so you are forced to eat with chopsticks.

You finally understand...

Black American: Kanye West is now your spokesman, and you are snatched from your home, put onto a tiny ship with thousands of other people, (many of them dead) it smells really bad, you are fed shitty foods, and you end up in a terrible place where you are forced to work for mean people 24/7, and you constantly get whipped/hurt/raped really badly. Barack Obama gets overthrown by the KKK and is lynched.

Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the shitty flavour sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut! General lack of large meaty animals. Women are in abundance.

Austrian: Adolf Hitler is Chancellor. The only beverage is Austrian white wine.

Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.

Brazilian: Everyone thinks you are a wild, tropical animal.

British: Irish terrorists set off bombs in dustbins all the time, you are forced to repeatedly write out your life story... using American spelling. Bitter is banned, only lager is allowed to be sold in bars and pubs. Everyone makes comments about how terrible the British weather is. Roadsigns are in neither English nor Welsh but are written in Arabic and Hindi. The dress code is tartan, you are made to end every sentence with "och", "ach" or "aye."

Bulgarian: Everyone thinks you are Soviets.

Canadian: America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American. Hell administration doesn't have Canada in their list, so you have to be listed as American, and your Hell ID says that you are an American. French Canadian: Nothing is printed in your language, Frenchie.

Chinese: Everything asks you if you are Japanese. The world undergoes a global rice famine.

Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.

Cuban: Fidel Castro is immortal and you can't take a raft across the ocean of hot lava for asylum.

Danish: Americans think you're edible. Or they want to see you in a folk costume.

Dominican: People think you are Puerto Rican.

Dutch: Beer is nowhere to be found. Drugs, cigarettes, coffee shops, coffee, smart shops, smart coffee shops, cats, glade brand aerosol air fresheners, cough syrup, prostitutes, severe head injuries, and hairs from Dick Cheney's anus are strictly forbidden under penalty of catapult. Thus, the GDP of Amsterdam's beloved red light district is reduced by 1,000,000,000,000,000%. Windmills fall into disrepair. Spoiled European, North American, and Asian teenagers resort to finding themselves by cutting open their own chest cavities with a rusty chainsaw.

Finnish: Everybody mistakes you for a Swede. All Americans believe Finland is a former Soviet republic. Your mother's pimp is from Somalia.

French: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity. Every second day your face is painted and you lose the ability to speak.

German: Everyone around you will make comments about World War II and you will be force fed American coffee.

Greek: Everyone thinks you are Turkish. Everyone asks you about Plato, Alexander the Great, Aristotle, Pythagoras, etc.

Icelandic: You are forced to watch "Lazytown" for eternity.

Irish: The only thing you can say to everyone is "Top of the morning to you!" in a bad Irish accent and you will be forced to sit outside the pub, looking in at the crowd and to top it all, the British rule the whole of Ireland again.

Indian:You will have to submit to every whim of the British,eat their salt(and spit),and talk about only violence,mentioning Mahatma Gandhi in every sentence.

Israeli: The hummus is all imported from the US but the beer is still Israeli. AIPAC occasionally questions your actions. While there is a bus available to leave, it is always Saturday and the Orthodox are in charge of transportation.

Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald's. The padrone says you have to kill your son. Venice completely sinks into the ocean of lava.

Japanese: You walk into a store to find out that all of the manga has been replaced with D.C and Marvel Comics and the anime has been switched with Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and SpongeBob. Toyota, Honda, and Mutsubishi go out of business.

Jewish: Bagels are only available with butter, the only thing on TV is Mel Gibson's "The Passion" and you will be constantly approached by the most beautiful models, only to watch them all leave after your mother disapproves of them.

Klansmen: No white people, no Christians and everyone is gay, black, and Jewish. The price of white cloth is sky rocketing. Intelligence is much in demand. Your cousin Laura Lee is not here.

Luxembourgan: Everyone thinks you are short. (the real average height of a Luxembourgan male is 5 foot 9 just for your information)

Mexican: H1N1 is renamed "Mexican Flu" by the World Health Organization. The United States finally builds a wall, and Catholics become an oppressed minority.

Mormon: Everyone isn't dressed up to sell those books of Mormon, also lots of coffee drinking, women not wearing dresses that end below the knee and children swearing like young male sailors running about.

Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish. All of the world's oil disappears from the Middle East and reappears in America, Britain, and Italy. People start to question whether a religion of over a billion people can really be the victim of that much oppression.

North Korean (Normal people): Like Zimbabweans, they already live in Hell and can only go to heaven. (Kim-il Sung): Your country is successfully invaded by America. It becomes an American colony, your government is replaced by Capitalism and Democracy, and you are publicly humiliated by the American army in front of all your people, showing them you are not an omnipotent god after all.

Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking. You are a Swede.

Pakistani: You will either be sent back to Pakistan (peace be upon you) or to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for no reason.

Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli and there will be no rocks or cameras should you try to fight them.

Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.

Portuguese: People constantly think you're Spanish.

Romanian: What? This is heaven for them. Unless you're a Gypsy.

Russian: You must watch as your country is conquered. By France.

San Marinonese: Hell is like heaven to them. They think you have a castle.

Saudi Arabian (Men): You strap a bomb to your chest and blow yourself up, only to find that you don't get virgins for your sacrifice; only grapes (Women): Already in Hell; they get a one-way ticket to heaven.

Serbian: No room for the Serbian people, all those Croatians, Slovenians, Bosnian Muslims, Macedonians, Kosovars, Montenegrins and Vojvodinan Hungarians have taken up all the room for people from the former Yugoslavia, Serbs get a one-way ticket to heaven.

South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.

South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.

Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, Capitalism runs YOU!

Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country run their own country and your government.

Sweden: Everyone thinks you're blonde and like to eat meatballs and lutefisk. Somebody stole your walking helmet.

Swiss: You are constantly harassed by American comparing you to swiss cheese. Switzerland enters a war, loses miserably, and Geneva is destroyed in the process.

Turkish: Everyone you meet will be Kurdish or Greek.

Vatican: You are repeatedly artificially inseminated, only for the fetus to be aborted.

Vietnamese: Your country is still a colony of France and America repeatedly invades Vietnam to help the French suppress the communist uprisings. They always win.

Zimbabwean: (Normal People), Like North Koreans, they are already in hell, so they can only go to heaven. (Robert Mugabe): All farms are returned to people who can farm them, a British person walks alive through Harare, and the Zimbabwe Dollar becomes worth something.

Metal head: The only music available is pop and rap. You are forced to listen to the repitition forever.

Gangstas: The only music available is metal, no drugs are available, fire-arms don't exist, and everyone around you is racist.

Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor's waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized, your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and after two terms of record approval ratings Barack Obama hands over the reins of power to President Al Franken. People will also start asking you to clearly define the word, "socialism." Personal ownership of guns is also completely relinquished.

Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories, cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed, all Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools and while you actually control 80% of both houses of Congress all your legislation and Supreme Court nominations fail. After Barack Obama gives up and returns to his native Kenya, President Joe Biden decides to give daily press conferences himself without relying on a teleprompter.

Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked "No Redeeming Value" AND you are unable to edit them! You can write your own articles, but there is a mandatory minimum of ten references in MLA format.

See also

• Heaven

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