Hell
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“I went in and they asked me if I had any reservations. I said "Yes, with the decor, the service and probably the food as well. But I still want to dine here!"”
~ Leonidas of the Spartans on Hell
Hell is a holiday resort in the core of the Earth. Famed for its brilliant food, large share of the package holiday market, and its rivers of magma, it is the choice of retirement location for over 6.9X10^10 heretics dead people retirees, as well as a temporary location for nearly 5000.
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Diversification
In the 1990s, Hell's fortunes declined as competitors copied its concepts and holidaymakers demanded more sophisticated offerings. Satan hired a famous PR firm to help restore public opinion, but the effort was largely unsuccessful. Satan then pulled Walt Disney away from his poolside cabana and comissioned him to completely redesign Hell.
Disney aimed to change Hell "from a holiday village resort to a services company". Hell took over a chain of French gyms, launched bar/restaurant complexes, opened Club Hell in Las Vegas and Montreal and commenced a budget resort concept aimed at young adults, Extreme Hell with its first resort in Los Angeles. Thirteen additional budget resorts were planned for the new century.
Relaunch
The change in strategy was not successful and Hell fell deeply into loss in the the late nineties. In 2000 a new CEO, George Bush, was appointed. A new strategy was announced, returning to a focus on the traditional values that had made Hell so popular in the first place. Club Hell was closed in Las Vegas; though it would be reopened in 2000. Satan announced widespread layoffs and cancelled all corporate expense accounts. From 2001 on, the resort company worked to rebrand itself as upscale and family-oriented. Hell returned to profit in 2005.
In 2006 and 2007, Hell and its partners dedicated a total of $530 million to renovate and revamp the group’s portfolio of offerings. Fiscal year 2006 saw Hell close several sub-levels with the savings reinvested in newer, more promising ventures. The strategy has already paid off for Hell and in 2007 three new "themed" levels of Hell were opened.
In 2008 Hell launched a new advertising campaign “Go To Hell.” More than 25 million euros were invested to roll out this new creative concept in 24 countries worldwide. Marketing experts herald this as the most innovative advertising campaign ever devised.
Expansion
In 2001, Satan decided that to reach the full market potential Hell would have to expand. Several more Extreme Hell resorts were opened in London, Seattle and New Jersey as well as two new Club Hells in New York and Mexico City. Satan has promised that by the end of 2012 there will be a Hell of some form in every continent. With this aggressive new strategy Hell's stock market value has risen exponentially making many catholic priests very, very rich.
The target clientele has also evolved. Originally attracting mainly singles and young couples, Hell has become primarily a destination for families. Long gone are the days when Hell was exclusively for the wealthy and powerful. These days it's almost impossible to walk through Hell without tripping over children or being accosted by lonely soccer moms. Several critics have expressed a longing for the "glory days" when Hell was a place to smoke cigars and drink fine scotch (activities that were banned in 2003 in an effort to make Hell more "family friendly") and predict that unless action is taken, Hell will collapse into itself when the "family values" trend ends.
Geography
Here are the various districts contained in Hell.
- Limbo, by the beautiful river Acheron, easy to lose track of time here, notorious for its insect problems.
- Sin City, the capital of hell, notable individuals are Satan, Santa Claus, Hitler, and AC/DC's Brian Young, though nobody quite has figured out how he got there.
- Lust, the red light district. Enough said.
- Glutton, restaurant capital of the region, many places to eat, but famed for its terrible stormy weather.
- Avarice, a particularly rich district, good public transport on bags of money eternally pushed by residents.
- Wrath, a dangerous place, constant violence, although good entertainment to be had betting on fighters.
- Styx, large marsh containing endangered species such as Medusa and harpies.
- Heretic Sports Complex, containing the worlds only boiling blood swimming pool, with burning sand beach, see famous serial killers such as Harold Shipman, Jack the Ripper, and Jigsaw. Be careful not to get lost in the seemingly endless forest for emo kids. And for the health conscious an inescapable treadmill in a gym filled with perverts.
- Fraudland, a world renowned zoo. Watch seducers being whipped to walk! See the Flatterers being buried in excrement! See magicians perform the 'head twisting' trick! Wow, and your experience would not be complete without the corrupt politicians lake of hot tar!
- Lake Cocytus, a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round.
Administrative problems
“Leave people to it and they will create their own little hell”
~ Eric the Demonologist on Hell
Hell has a few administrative problems...
- Those pushing the bags of money in Avarice must read Health & Safety guidelines every day.
- Each evening, all inhabitants must fill out forms to review their
tortureleisure. - Everything in hell is constantly internally auditted.
- The internet booking system is a load of shite.
- You still can't get through to BT.
- Women end up in charge sadomaschoism dominating the men.
Issues you may encounter in hell as a...
American: Everyone constantly thinks you are an idiot. Every other week your gay Americans are forced to live in Harlem and your straight Americans are forced to live in San Fransisco, the other weeks you are all living in Europe where there is NO ICE IN YOUR DRINKS!!!
You finally understand...
Barack Obama can't walk on water.
Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the shitty flavor sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut! General lack of large meaty animals. Women are in abundance.
Austrian: Jörg Haider is prime minister. The only beveridge is Austrian white wine.
Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.
Canadian: America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American. Hell administration doesn't have Canada in their list, so you have to be listed as American, and your Hell ID says that you are an American.
French Canadian: Nothing is printed in your language, Frenchie.
Chinese: Everything asks you if you are Japanese.
Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.
Cuban: Fidel Castro is immortal and you can't take a raft across the ocean of hot lava for asylum.
Dominican: People think you are Puerto Rican.
Dutch: Beer is nowhere to be found. Drugs, cigarettes, coffee shops, coffee, smart shops, smart coffee shops, cats, glade brand aerosol air fresheners, cough syrup, prostitutes, severe head injuries, and hairs from Dick Cheney's anus are strictly forbidden under penalty of catapult. Thus, the GDP of Amsterdam's beloved red light district is reduced by 1,000,000,000,000,000%. Windmills fall into disrepair. Spoiled European, North American, and Asian teenagers resort to finding themselves by cutting open their own chest cavities with a rusty chainsaw.
English: You are forced to repeatedly write out your life story... using American spelling. You may only drink tea with lemon. You Live under a condominium of French & Pakistani rule. Welcome to Angleterristan!
Finnish: Everybody mistakes you for a Swede. All Americans believe Finland is a former Soviet republic. Your mother's pimp is from Somalia.
French: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity. Every second day your face is painted and you lose the ability to speak.
German: Everything around you will make comments about World War II and you will be force fed American coffee.
Greek: Everyone thinks you are Turkish. Everyone asks you about Plato, Alexander the Great, Aristotle, Pythagoras, etc.
Icelandic: You are forced to watch "Lazytown" for eternity.
Irish: the only thing you can say to everyone is "Top of the morning to you!" in a bad Irish accent and you will be forced to sit outside the pub, looking in at the crowd.
Indian:You will have to submit to every whim of the Britishers,eat their salt(and spit),and talk about only violence,mentioning Mahatma Gandhi in every sentence.
Israeli: Everyone you meet is Palestinian. The hummus is all imported from the US but the beer is still Israeli. TALIBAN!!! Bibi is gay.
Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald's. The padrone says you have to kill your son.
Japanese: You walk into a store to find out that all of the manga has been replaced with D.C and Marvel Comics and the anime has been switched with Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and SpongeBob.
Jewish: The only thing on TV is Mel Gibson's "The Passion". You will be constantly approached by the most beautiful models, but they will all leave after your mother disapproves of them.
Klansmen: No white people, no Christians and everyone is gay. The price of white cloth is sky rocketing. Intelligence is much in demand. Your cousin Laura Lee is not here.
Mexican: All the cool jobs like gardener, fast-food employee, and the like no longer exist. You must work at a professional job and do loads of satisfactory work. Oh, the horror!
Mormon: Everyone isn't dressed up to sell those books of Mormon, also lots of coffee drinking, women not wearing dresses that end below the knee and children swearing like young male sailors running about.
Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish. People start to question whether a religion of one billion people which controls dozens of countries and much of the world's oil supply could really be oppressed that much by infidels.
Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking. You are a Swede.
Pakistani: You will either be sent back to Pakistan (peace be upon you) or to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for no reason.
Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli and there will be no rocks or cameras should you try to fight them.
Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.
Portuguese: People constantly think you're Spanish.
Romanian: What? This is heaven for them. Unless you're a Gypsy.
Russian: Look out through the window!
Scottish: The dress code is tartan, you are made to end every sentence with "och", "ach" or "aye." Edinburgh people are forced to live with Glaswegians, and vice versa.
South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.
South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.
Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, 10 commandments violate you!
Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country run their own country and your government.
Sweden: Everyone thinks you're blonde and like to eat meatballs and lutefisk. Somebody stole your walking helmet.
Turkish: Everyone you meet will be Kurdish or Greek.
Vatican: You are repeatedly artificially inseminated, only for the fetus to be aborted.
Vietnamese: According to the Vietnamese, there's no such thing as hell. It's a temporary place to come, sit and go: kinda like a nail salon or wherever you find Vietnamese all over the place.
Welsh: The Welsh language is not printed on roadsigns, and members of the BNP come and beat you every time you use it. Everybody makes constent comments about how terrible Welsh weather is. There are no sheep in Hell.
Yugoslavian (Serbian): No room for the Serbian people, all those Croatians, Slovenians, Bosnian Muslims, Macedonians, Kosovars, Montenegrins and Vojvodinan Hungarians have theirs.
Zimbabwean: (Normal People), already being in hell, they can only go to heaven. (Robert Mugabe): All farms are returned to people who can farm them, a British person walks alive through Harare, and the Zimbabwe Dollar becomes worth something.
Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor's waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized. Your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and Hillary Clinton has a 98% presidential approval rating as after successfully eliminating the national debt.
Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories. Cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed. All Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools. You actually control 80% of both houses of Congress but still can't get the votes to override Jeb Bush's veto
Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked "No Redeeming Value" AND you are unable to edit them! You can write your own articles, but there is a mandatory minimum of ten references in MLA format.
Notable Individuals residing in Hell
- A random American.
- George W. Bush.
- Satan.
- Charles Darwin.
- Marine from Doom.
- Your Mom.
- Your Dad.
- Danny Dickhead.
- Andy Dick.
- Nero.
- Elmo.
- Richard Nixon.
- John F. Kennedy.
- John F. Kennedy Jr.
- Princess Diana.
- Saddam Hussein.
- Barbra Streisand.
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| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
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